Vine Social: Tricks and Tips for Getting the Best—or Least-Bad—Wine on Your Next Airplane Flight

Ah, the dog days of summer, with the sweltering heat, the bored-out-of-their-minds children, the heat, the sunburns and … oh, did I mention the scorching heat? This is the time of year when even the locals who can appreciate a “dry heat” need to get the hell outta here.

We’re pretty lucky here in the desert, geographically speaking, because a two-hour drive, or less, will get you to the mountains, the beach, or a lake—where it’s 30 degrees cooler.

Instead of taking a nice two-hour drive, this summer, my family headed north to Canada to visit my father. Now, if I’d had my druthers, we would’ve driven; I would rather spend three days in a car than three hours in an airplane. Unfortunately, that stupid thing called “work” really gets in the way of a good time, and I don’t have the luxury of taking a month off to tootle around North America in a car.

So, an airplane it is.

Because time is precious, I like my vacation to start as soon as I leave the house. This means that I will be having an adult beverage at the airport, on the airplane, and immediately when I arrive at my destination. The problem is, I don’t care for cocktails, and I don’t really like beer. I drink wine. And I don’t want to drink crappy wine.

Airports and airlines aren’t exactly known for offering a wide array of scintillating choices for the wine lover—but I’ve discovered how to select the least-bad wine available.

I want to make it clear that I have no problem with cheap wine. Cheap wine isn’t always crappy wine. On the contrary, there are a lot of inexpensive wines that I quite enjoy. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a believer in the philosophy that a high price tag translates to quality. Actually, I’ve found that there are affordable “everyday” wines that are much more enjoyable than some of the beastly, high-octane, cult-status wines that command huge scores and even higher prices.

The tricky part of navigating limited options when you’re in Wine Dead Zone (aka hurtling through space in a cylindrical tube) is that you’ll rarely be given any more information than the name of the grape on the label. This is not the time to be overly inquisitive and start asking for the winery’s names, the alcohol content of the wines offered, or anything else that would require the flight attendant to become your personal sommelier for the flight. This will also help you avoid angering the other people hurtling through space seated behind you who just want their damned Jack and Coke.

Because I taste thousands, yes thousands, of wines a year, I’ve discovered that a lot of cheap wine on the market today likes to pretend to be expensive. This means instead of just being simple, unoaked, bright and quaffable, some wines will mask their cheapness by adding in things like sugar to increase the body and weight; a thing called mega-purple, which is basically grape juice concentrate, which will make the wine darker in color and thicker; or oak chips to give that vanilla, oaky flavor without the cost of actual oak barrels. I assure you these wines are a headache or hangover waiting to happen.

So, what’s a little ol’ wine drinker to do?

This is when I’m a firm believer in the acronym ABC—anything but chardonnay/cabernet. These two grapes will be the biggest victims of the aforementioned manipulation. And when all you have to go on is the name of the grape, these two should become persona non grata.

On a plane, I usually avoid red wines like the plague—not exclusively because I’m clumsy or seated next to my children, who will undoubtedly smack me, bump me or climb over me to go to the bathroom for the 12th time. No, I avoid reds because there’s really no way to know if the wine is going to be delightfully unoaked and fruity, or one of those pseudo-fancy reds. My go-to is always a white, and I find that no matter where I am, there is a light and fresh pinot grigio on the menu—perfectly simple, unoaked and dry pinot grigio. Bingo.

Remember that your flight attendant is not a wine specialist. They are there to help you down the slide, put your oxygen mask on, and make sure your tray table is in its upright position. When it comes to wine speak, if they tell you there is a “peanut gregorio” available, just nod and go with it. Who knows what you’ll get—but vacations are all about adventure, right? Right.