The Only TV Column That Matters™ has seen the glory of Syfy’s Sharknado 2: The Second One (premiering Wednesday, July 30) in advance and can definitively report that it’s even more ridiculous than 2013’s surprise … hit? … Sharknado.
This time around, the chompy tsunami hits New York City, and it’s up to Ian Ziering and Tara Reid—as well as Kari Wuhrer, Mark McGrath, Vivica A. Fox and a seemingly endless parade of other guest stars who’ve probably since fired their agents—to shut down the SharkDown. It may be cheesier than an overturned truck of Doritos Loaded in a 7-Eleven parking lot, but Sharknado 2 isn’t entirely predictable—let’s pre-test your pre-knowledge of The Second One:
1. Even though he’s famously battled one before, nobody believes Fin Shepard (Ziering) when he initially warns of a Sharknado hitting NYC because:
A. It sounds like a bad Syfy movie.
B. He thinks the best pizza in Noo Yawk is made by Biz Markie.
C. How can you trust the judgment of someone who’d re-marry Tara Reid?
D. You can’t tell New Yorkers anything.
2. The movie’s catchy, Ramones-y theme song (yes, it has a theme song) features the lyrics:
A. “Stay away from Central Park / You’ll get your ass bit by a freakin’ shark.”
B. “So damn much trouble we’re in / So ironic our hero’s name is Fin.”
C. “Teeth are raining from the sky / ’Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”
D. “Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! / We’re all gonna die in a Sharknado!”
3. At the beginning of Sharknado 2, Tara Reid loses:
A. Her ability to create even the most basic facial expressions.
B. Any trace of acting talent she may have, arguably, once possessed.
C. Half of her screen time (and probably salary) to Kari Wuhrer.
D. Her left hand.
4. Of the movie’s many B-celeb cameos, the least convincing are:
A. Robert Hays (Airplane!) as an airline pilot and Judd Hirsch (Taxi) as a cab driver.
B. Billy Ray Cyrus and “Downtown” Julie Brown as a doctor and nurse.
C. Andy Dick as an NYPD cop and pro wrestler Kurt Angle as an NYFD fire chief.
D. The Today Show’s Matt Lauer and Al Roker as newscasters.
5. Co-star Mark McGrath, who gets an inexplicable amount of screen time, used to sing in the band and host the TV show:
A. Smash Mouth and Entertainment Tonight.
B. The Spin Doctors and Access Hollywood.
C. 98 Degrees and To Catch a Predator.
D. Sugar Ray and Extra.
6. The guy who wrote Sharkado and Sharknado 2 is actually named:
A. Cyclone Jones.
B. Lightning Lebowitz.
C. Avalanche Johansson.
D. Thunder Levin.
7. In addition to Sharknado 2, Syfy will also soon roll out the new monster flick:
A. Meta Shark vs. Twitter Critter.
B. DinoWeasel vs. SharkAardvark.
C. Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.
D. Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda.
8. Beside the whole sharks-sucked-up-into-a tornado thing, the most unbelievable part of The Second One is:
A. Ian Ziering flying through the sky with a chainsaw, hacking up sharks.
B. Tara Reid’s character was scheduled to appear on Live! With Kelly and Michael (who also appear) to promote a book she wrote.
C. Said “book,” titled How to Survive a Sharknado, looks all of 50 pages long.
D. A packed stadium for a Mets game.
Answers: 1: D. 2: D. 3: D. 4: D. 5: D. 6: D. 7: C and D. 8: B, C and D.
DVD ROUNDUP FOR JULY 29!
1 Chance 2 Dance
When a teen girl (Lexi Giovagnoli) is uprooted to a new, East Coast high school in her senior year, she’s torn between two boys and her One Last Shot at becoming a dancer. How many previous shots she’s had at the old age of 17 remains unclear. (Monarch)
Cuban Fury
Speaking of dancing: 20 years after his career as a champion salsa dancer traumatically ended, Bruce (Nick Frost) faces down his demons and gets back on the dance floor to win over a woman (Rashida Jones). See? It’s not over at 17. (eOne)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 XXX
In Vol. 30 (!), Joel, Mike and the ’bots suffer through terrible flicks The Black Scorpion, Outlaw of Gor, The Projected Man and It Lives By Night—episodes that span the Comedy Central and Sci-Fi Channel (not Syfy) years. (Shout! Factory)
Noah
Before a flood overtakes the planet, God tells Noah (Russell Crowe) to build an ark and save the animals because humans suck (as true now as it was then). A poignant family drama based on a true/fake story from an old book/the Bible. (Paramount)
The Other Woman
A wife (Leslie Mann), a mistress (Cameron Diaz) and a younger mistress (Kate Upton) plot revenge against the man (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) who’s been three-timing them all. Also starring Nicki Minaj’s ass, which should get its own movie. (Fox)
More New DVD Releases (July 29)
The Amazing Catfish, Amber Alert: Terror on the Highway, Big Losers, Cold Turkey, The Den, Dragonwolf, Five Dances, The French Minister, Frontline: United States of Secrets, Half of a Yellow Sun, It Felt Like Love, The Protector 2, Secret State, Tennessee Queer.