I’m a cis woman in her 30s who lives on the East Coast. I’ve been in an LTR with the same cis man for 12 years. No issues there at all! But we are considering opening up our relationship, and I have a question about my sexuality.

Basically, I’m attracted to people with penises. PIV is the only sex that really arouses me—the only kind of sex I like to have or fantasize about—although I do enjoy everything that leads up to it. I’m that rare woman who comes easily during PIV and honestly prefer it over all things. So, although I am attracted to people regardless of what they look like, if I were to hook up with someone who didn’t have a penis, I would be disappointed.

I hooked up with two women during group sex, and I liked their breasts and kissing them, but I quickly realized I do not find vaginas sexy at all.

So … what am I, since not all people with penises are men? I ask, because I don’t want to use a label on hook-up apps that’s transphobic in any way. I’m mostly attracted to people with penises, but I want non-binary people with dicks to slide into my DMs, too. So, I am attracted to all men and non-binary people with penises (no matter how they present themselves). Is this messed up? I don’t know. I have searched for a term that describes this fixation on specific genitalia, but I have yet to find any. So, am I just straight? It seems some people think attraction and sexuality are separate from genitalia, and anything else is transphobic, but for me, it’s the opposite. Dick or bust.

I’ve also never been on a dating app, so I am not sure if classifying myself as straight would still leave me visible to non-binary folx looking for women. Maybe that’s true, and finding a nuanced label doesn’t really matter.

Limits About Bodies Expressed Lovingly and Sensitively

You could make this complicated. You could describe yourself as an AFAB (assigned female at birth), cis-gender (not trans), femme-presenting (just what it sounds like) allosexual (opposite of asexual) phallophile (dick lover) in an ENM (ethically non-monogamous) LTR (long-term relationship) seeking masc-presenting and/or non-binary allosexual AMAB (assigned male at birth) phallus-havers-and-wanna-users for PIV. (And by the way, “phallophile” was the term you were searching for.)

Or you could keep it simple, LABELS, and just say you’re straight. Which is what you are. You’re a heterosexual woman—you’re a cis woman who’s attracted to members of the opposite sex—and while you require dick and dicking, you’re open to sex partners who don’t identify as men so long as they 1. have dicks and 2. want to use them. And who knows? In addition to getting dicked down by cis men and non-binary AMAB peeps, you might enjoy getting pegged down by cis women or AFAB non-binary peeps who 1. have a strap-on, 2. know how to use it, and 3. won’t ask you eat or touch their vaginas/front holes. All of the above could be included in your bio on whatever hook-up app you’re using.

Oh, gee. Look at that. The less-complicated option took longer to explain than the more complicated option. What a world.

Anyway, LABELS, there’s nothing transphobic or gynophobic about clearly and respectfully stating who and what you’re looking for. Use a positive framing (what you want), not a negative one (what you don’t). Indeed, letting people who don’t have penises know not to waste their time on you—cis women, non-binary AFAB peeps, trans men who didn’t opt for bottom surgery, trans women who did—is a courtesy, not an insult. You might hear from some people who aren’t what you’re looking for, LABELS, but you aren’t obligated to respond.

The full version of Savage Love is now exclusively available on Dan’s website, Savage.Love! To continue reading this week’s column, go to savage.love/savagelove!

Dan Savage

Dan Savage is an author, sex-advice columnist, podcaster, pundit and public speaker. “Savage Love,” Dan’s sex-advice column, first appeared in the The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in...

One reply on “Savage Love: What Should I Call My Specific Type of Sexuality?”

  1. I like when he speaks. But….He is no expert on anything. Can’t you find some other starchy filler to replace this column? It does nothing but degrade this publication. It isn’t even entertaining. Nor is it professional advice on any level. Tawdry. Boring and insipid come to mind. You can do better.

Comments are closed.