Dear Mexican: The other day, my Italian boyfriend and I were sitting in a cafe in Santa Monica. He asked me an interesting question: “If you had the choice to be any nationality in the world, which one would you choose?” Being the proud Latina I am, I said, “Mexican.” Then he said, “Why? What have Mexicans done that is so great?” The only comeback I could think of was Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera. Please help me come up with more reasons why I should be proud to be a Mexican.
Smitten With Salami
Dear Wabette: Since it’s the holidays, and the Mexican is in a giving spirit gracias to all the tamales de rajas con queso in his panza and the bacanora in his bloodstream, I will be kind contigo.
While you say you’re proud of being Latina, you also say you have little clue why you should feel this way, so it’s obvious you’re a pocha (an assimilated Mexican, for those of ustedes who aren’t regular readers—man, am I a charitable chingón this season!). Look at my column from last week to catch up on books that’ll make you proud of being a mexicana, then go hang out with undocumented students, whose courage and drive will shut up that Italian pendejo forever.
Finally, salami folds easily under pressure, while chorizo stays firm in a torta or a taco—just sayin’.
What is the deal with the old guy in the bumblebee suit? They make fun of him on The Simpsons, and I laugh, but I do not know why. Some version of Bumblebee Guy, usually some old fella cracking jokes, is always buzzing into a show. Please enlighten.
Muchacho Blanco Estúpido
Dear Stupid Gabacho Boy: The name of the character was El Chapulín Colorado—The Red Grasshopper. He was played by Roberto Gómez Bolaños, the legendary Mexican comic who went by the nickname Chespirito (“Little Shakespeare”) and died last month. Don’t you already have my book, where I explain all this? Oh, wait: Christmas charity. … If you can prove to me you sent me this question (which no doubt has lingered in the ¡Ask a Mexican! stacks all these years), I’ll send you an autographed copy of my book.
This is why you should read my columna every week, gentle readers—you never know when I might be borracho enough to start giving out stuff … like a sneak preview of FOX’s new animated show, Bordertown! Details to come …
So ends another year of this pinche columna, and I want to thank ustedes for another year of questions, rants, love and hate. Your humble Mexican is going to man the rancho by himself the rest of the year so all of his newspaper compadres y comadres can spend the holidays on vacation, so ustedes will read a Best Of edition next week, with a new level of DESMADRE for the first week of the año Nuevo. Gracias, don’t drink and drive.
All the Mexican wants for Christmas from ustedes is for you to follow all of my social media accounts below. Oh, and read my column both online and in the print edition of whatever newspaper is near your casa—don’t let alt-media go the way of Cuauhtémoc, cabrones.
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!