The Internet meme of 2013 is now a Christmas movie.

An En Vogue Christmas (Lifetime; Saturday, Nov. 22): The singers of En Vogue (as played by the current legally recognized singers of En Vogue) reunite for a holiday benefit concert to save the nightclub that gave them their start and to forgive the sleazy manager (David Alan Grier) who “broke them up.” Nothing says Christmas like revisionist history! (See the trailer below.)

A Royal Christmas (Hallmark; Saturday, Nov. 22): When a working-class girl (Lacy Chabert) learns that her new fiancé is actually the prince of a European country, they jet off for the holidays to meet the queen mum (Jane Seymour), who has her own scheme to get her son and his duchess ex-girlfriend back together. Screenplay based on a series of spam e-mails.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered for Christmas (Hallmark Movies and Mysteries; Sunday, Nov. 23): Did you know that the writer of Touched By an Angel had a Christian-y TV series about four postal workers who make it their mission to deliver dead letters (aka undeliverable mail)? Now there’s a Christmas-movie offshoot of the series! “It was grandma’s dying wish that Timmy get this Circuit City gift card! Let’s roll!”

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (Lifetime; Saturday, Nov. 29): Sigh. It’s 2013 all over again when preteen Chyrstal (?) becomes trapped in the mall on Christmas Eve and forms a fast friendship with sarcastic Internet meme of yesteryear Grumpy Cat (voiced by Aubrey Plaza). Find out if Grumpy learns the true meaning of Christmas and/or Chyrstal has her meds adjusted for talking to a cat.

Christmas Under Wraps (Hallmark; Saturday, Nov. 29): A big-city doctor lady (Full House’s Candace Cameron Bure) moves to small-town Garland (ha!), Alaska, and falls for a local yokel—but there’s a life-changing Big Christmas Secret waiting for her in a local warehouse. If this were a horror movie, it would be the zombie Olsen Twins. Or big-brother Kirk Cameron.

Christmas at Cartwright’s (Hallmark; Sunday, Dec. 7): With the help of an angel, broke single mom Nikki (Alicia Witt) lands a job playing a department store Santa, as well as a new romance. Apparently, angels now fulfill the same purpose as Craigslist.

Merry Ex-Mas (Ion; Sunday, Dec. 7): When a security guard (Dean Cain) is caught in some misleading photos with a rock-star client (Jodi Lynn O’Keefe), his wife (Kristy Swanson) kicks him out and divorces him. A year later, the exes become trapped over Christmas in a snowbound cabin. Will he win his ex-wife back? Can Christmas be saved? Most importantly, what’s Ion?

The Santa Con (Lifetime; Saturday, Dec. 13): Recently-paroled small-time criminal Nick (Barry Watson), forced to take a job as a mall Santa (sensing a pattern?), inadvertently promises a young boy that he’ll get the kid’s estranged parents back together for Christmas. With prodding from his sister (Melissa Joan Hart) and a pastor (Wendy! Williams!), Nick decides to somehow make good on the promise—until he meets the hot mom (Melissa Sagemiller). So many “Yule log” jokes …

The Christmas Parade (Hallmark; Sunday, Dec. 14): After being humiliated on-air, a big-city TV-news personality (AnnaLynne McCord) retreats to a small town, gets in trouble with the law, is sentenced to community service, and then falls for an artist while helping kids build a float for the local Christmas parade, which could save their community center. Sheesh. What is this, The Wire?

Back to Christmas (Ion; Saturday, Dec. 20): A lonely woman (Kelly Overton) in a diner on Christmas Eve laments about how she split with her fiancé last Christmas and wishes she could go back and fix it. No sooner than you can say “1.21 gigawatts,” she’s transported back in time and given the chance to change history. Choose wisely: Love … or assassinating Grumpy Cat!


Drunk History: Seasons 1 and 2

This contains all 18 episodes thus far of American history as retold by FUBAR comedians and actors; so educational, it should be required viewing in all schools. Give it to your kids: They’ll be smarter about historical events and scared to death of booze. (Paramount)

The Expendables 3

Sylvester Stallone and Team Geezer are back in action, along with some pre-AARP recruits to take down an ex-Expendable (Mel Gibson) who’s become a villainous arms dealer, if not a racist nutjob. This has to be the last one … right? (Lionsgate)

A Merry Friggin’ Christmas

Boyd (Joel McHale) and his wife (Lauren Graham) spend Christmas with Boyd’s drunk-asshole dad (Robin Williams), and yet it still never becomes the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation/Bad Santa mashup everybody really wants it to be. (eOne)

Not Safe for Work

A killer is in the office, and only desk-drone Tom (Max Minghella) can protect the other employees and expose the company’s nefarious dealings. From the brains behind The Purge, Paranormal Activity and … Captain America: The First Avenger? (Universal)


Aptly named limo driver Stretch (Patrick Wilson), desperate for a big payday for the usual gambling debts, takes a job transporting a billionaire (Ray Liotta) who leads him into a night of sex, drugs, danger and, worst of all, Jessica Alba. (Universal)

More New DVD/VOD Releases (Nov. 25)

The Giver, Kill Kapone, A Life In Dirty Movies, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Turkey Day Collection, The November Man, Phobia, Rhymes For Young Ghouls, Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas, War Story, What If.

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Bill Frost has been a journalist and TV reviewer since the 4:3-aspect-ratio ’90s. His pulse-pounding prose has been featured in The Salt Lake Tribune, Inlander, Las Vegas Weekly, SLUG Magazine, and many...