NCIS: LA fans have nothing to worry about: It has been renewed.

The Only TV Column That Matters™ knows the fate of your beloved network series—or knows enough to make a wild guess as to whether or not they’ll return next season, at least.

Could an NBC exec wake up tomorrow and say, “Cancel Parenthood—we’re going with Hollywood Cornhole on Thursdays”? Sure. Is it possible that Fox and America finally realize the comedy genius of Surviving Jack before it’s too late? Remotely. Could CBS decide that one NCIS is enough for the nation’s shut-ins? Yeah, right. Will The CW’s show-cloning machine run out of unicorns-and-glitter fuel? Not likely. Might ABC embrace the concept of hate-watching weapons-grade crap and squeeze out another 13 episodes of Black Box? I almost hope so.

These be the stats as I know them right now:

Not Going Anywhere: Already Renewed, or Thisclose

ABC: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Castle, Dancing With the Stars, The Goldbergs, Grey’s Anatomy, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Middle, Mistresses (summer), Modern Family, Motive, Nashville, Once Upon a Time, Resurrection, Revenge, Rookie Blue (summer), Scandal and Shark Tank.

CBS: 2 Broke Girls, The Amazing Race, The Big Bang Theory, Big Brother, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, CSI, Elementary, The Good Wife, Hawaii Five-0, Mike and Molly, The Millers, Mom, NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, Person of Interest, Survivor, Two and a Half Men, Under the Dome (summer), Undercover Boss and Unforgettable.

Fox: American Idol, Bob’s Burgers, Bones, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Family Guy, The Following, Glee, Hell’s Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, MasterChef Junior, The Mindy Project, New Girl, The Simpsons, Sleepy Hollow and So You Think You Can Dance.

NBC: About a Boy, The Biggest Loser, The Blacklist, Celebrity Apprentice, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Grimm, Growing Up Fisher, Hollywood Game Night, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Parenthood, Parks and Recreation and The Voice.

The CW: America’s Next Top Model, Arrow, The Originals, Reign, Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries.

Up In the Air: Could Go Either Way—So Start That Save Our Show Campaign

ABC: Black Box (premiered last week), Last Man Standing, Mixology, Suburgatory and Trophy Wife.

CBS: Bad Teacher (premiered last week), The Crazy Ones, Friends With Better Lives, Hostages, Intelligence and The Mentalist.

Fox: 24 (Season 9 premieres May 5), Almost Human, Cosmos, Dads, Enlisted, Gang Related (debuts May 22) and Surviving Jack.

NBC: Community, Hannibal, The Night Shift (debuts May 27) and Undateable (May 29).

The CW: The 100.

Dead or Circling the Drain: Some Are Already Canceled; Others Will Be by the Time You Finish This Sentence

ABC: The Assets, Back In the Game, Betrayal, Killer Women, Lucky 7, Mind Games, The Neighbors, Once Upon a Time In Wonderland and Super Fun Night.

CBS: How I Met Your Mother and We Are Men.

Fox: The Cleveland Show, Raising Hope, Rake, Us and Them (never aired) and The X Factor.

NBC: Believe, Crisis, Dracula, Ironside, The Michael J. Fox Show, Revolution, Sean Saves the World and Welcome to the Family.

The CW: Beauty and the Beast, The Carrie Diaries, Hart of Dixie, Nikita, Star-Crossed and The Tomorrow People.


666: Devilish Charm

“From the director of The Sisterhood, Witches of the Caribbean and Puppetmaster 3”? No way! When a cursed charm bracelet mysteriously appears at a sorority house, sexy/Satan-y antics ensue. Sorry, it only looks like a porno flick. (Rapid Heart)

The Art of the Steal

Kurt Russell stars as Crunch Calhoun (!), a motorcycle daredevil and retired art thief (!!) teaming up with his brother (Matt Dillon!!!) for One Last Job. Does the plan go awry? Are loyalties tested? Have you never seen one of these? (Anchor Bay)

Awful Nice

Two estranged brothers (James Pumphrey and Alex Rennie) inherit their late father’s Branson vacation home, only to be confronted with Russian mobsters and Christopher Meloni in a bad wig. Need I even mention … Yakov Smirnoff? (Screen Media)

Rookie Blue: Season 4

Much like you shouldn’t be able to name a show Finding Bigfoot if you never actually find a damned Bigfoot, you shouldn’t be allowed to call a cop drama Rookie Blue after four seasons. Wait … it’s Canadian. Move along, nothing to see here. (eOne)

Veronica Mars

Based on a true story from a canceled UPN TV show: Detective-turned-lawyer Veronica (Kristen Bell) returns to Neptune after nine years to help clear ex Logan (Jason Dohring) of murder and make good on a Kickstarter deal. (Warner Bros.)

More New DVD Releases (May 6)

Axeman, Between Sisters, Brightest Star, Call Me Crazy, China Beach: Season 3, Preppers: Season 3, Generation War, Mr. Jones, Poe: Project of Evil, Still Mine, Survival Code.

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Bill Frost

Bill Frost has been a journalist and TV reviewer since the 4:3-aspect-ratio ’90s. His pulse-pounding prose has been featured in The Salt Lake Tribune, Inlander, Las Vegas Weekly, Salt Lake City Weekly...