Bonnie and Clyde: two nights, three networks!

The Sound of Music Live! (Thursday, Dec. 5, NBC), special: So what if Parks and Recreation, Parenthood, The Michael J. Fox Show and the rest of Must-Flee Thursday are doomed to cancellation? NBC has the ratings answer: a three-hour (!) musical stage reproduction of a 1,000-year-old book/play/movie starring an American Idol (Carrie Underwood) and a True Blood vampire (Stephen Moyer)! Since The Sound of Music Live! will be performed live (though there is no theater audience, and the music is karaoke-tracked, adding to the weirdness), much can go terribly wrong … oh, now I get it.

Bonnie and Clyde (Sunday, Dec. 8, A&E, History, Lifetime), miniseries: The story of beloved 1930s American outlaws Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow has been dramatized before, but never this lavishly and long: Bonnie and Clyde is a glossy production spanning two nights and, for no logical reason, three sister cable networks. The four-hour miniseries is lighter than the famously violent and groundbreaking 1967 Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway Bonnie and Clyde, and it helps that stars Emile Hirsch and Holliday Grainger are relative unknowns. (Fortunately, Grainger replaced original “Bonnie” Miley Cyrus—yes, really.) Bonnie and Clyde’s Great Depression is sexier and less think-y than that in Boardwalk Empire, and you already know how it ends. Bonus: You can imagine Miley trying to act, smoke, wear a hat and shoot simultaneously. (Concludes Monday, Dec. 9.)

Holidaze (Sunday, Dec. 8, ABC Family), movie: Think you’ve seen every possible variation on the Workaholic City Girl Learns the True Meaning of Love, Christmas and Wearing a Simple, Off-the-Rack Sweater holiday movie? You have, and here’s another: Corporate business lady Melody (Jennie Garth) would rather spend Christmas jet-setting and cocktailing, but instead is sent back to her quaint hometown to sell the quaint townsfolk on a new big-box store, much to the disapproval of her quaint, estranged family, and quaint, hunky ex-boyfriend (Cameron Mathison). No sooner than you can say “Merry Christmas, movie house!” Melody hits her head and finds herself in an alternate reality where she stayed in her quaint hometown/tax bracket and married Mr. Hunky! Will she awaken from her gender-repressed nightmare coma, build that MegaMart and return to her swinging-single lifestyle? Maybe in the sequel, Holidaze 2: Escape From Quaintsville.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Tuesday, Dec. 10, CBS), special: Like you, The Only TV Column That Matters™ watches the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show strictly for the top-notch musical guests; this year’s are Fall Out Boy, A Great Big World, Neon Jungle and mysterious recluse Taylor Swift. CBS can try and cheapen this celebration of timeless music (have you heard Neon Jungle’s “Trouble”? It’s like Icona Pop without the overwrought intellectualism—refreshing) with bouncing breasts, pouty lips and underwear designed for women who only exist in porn and comic books, but it’s really about the music. Recognize.

Sons of Anarchy (Tuesday, Dec. 10, FX), season finale: Twelve super-sized episodes and one inexplicable Thanksgiving-week break later (WTF, FX?), the finale of the most turbulent Sons of Anarchy season yet is upon us—but what’s left to happen? Must be time for True TV’s ever-futile SOA predictions: At least one more SAMCRO member is going to die; Jax’s master plan will be fall apart; Gemma’s going to lose another man (so long, Jimmy Smits); Charming is going to lose another D.A. (adios, CCH Pounder); and more musical montages are a-comin.’



Two Australian BFFs (Naomi Watts and Robin Wright) begin having sex with each other’s hot young sons—yet none of them end up on the Aussie version of Maury, thus negating any sense of realism. Music by Pink Freud. (Paramount)

Fast and Furious 6

The boys are back-er than ever—and working with Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) to bring down an international cabal of mercenary drivers! Don’t overthink it, and keep your oh-so-clever and tasteless Paul Walker (R.I.P.) jokes to yourself. (Universal)

Screwed: The Movie

Not to be confused with the way-better 2000 comedy Screwed, or Screwed: The Broadway Musical: When a loser finds a magical VHS tape in a porn shop, he becomes a skilled lover. In Screwed 2, he might even get a partner. (Screen Media)

Some Girl(s)

Before he finally gets married, a writer (Adam Brody) travels across the country to make amends with the previous five girlfriends he mistreated. Written by Neil LaBute, so you know the women will come out looking just fine. (Phase 4)

Touchy Feely

A successful massage therapist (Rosemarie DeWitt) develops a strange aversion to touch, while her failing dentist brother (Josh Pais) suddenly becomes a miraculous healer. Meanwhile, Ellen Page skulks around doing her usual indie-flick thing. (Magnolia)

More New DVD Releases (Dec. 10)

7E, Angels Sing, The Angels’ Share, Battle of the Year, Berberian Sound Studio, Despicable Me 2, Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor, Futurama: The Complete Series, The Hunt, Jayne Mansfield’s Car, Sightseers, The Ultimate Life, Zombie Night.

Bill Frost has been a journalist and TV reviewer since the 4:3-aspect-ratio ’90s. His pulse-pounding prose has been featured in The Salt Lake Tribune, Inlander, Las Vegas Weekly, SLUG Magazine, and many...