The Christmas season began in August, and you still probably don’t have a holiday viewing plan—so I’ve put one together for you. (It’s OK that you didn’t get me anything.) Here are 12 Christmas shows on the ho-ho-horizon:
Trolls Holiday (Friday, Nov. 24, NBC): The most adequate kids’ movie of 2016 is now a time-filling Christmas special about the Queen of the Trolls (Anna Kendrick) forcing her holiday traditions upon the Bergens, which sounds suspiciously Christian. Besides, Bergens eat Trolls, don’t they?
A Christmas Story 2 (Friday, Nov. 24, CMT): Sequels are always better than the original, and this follow-up to 1983’s A Christmas Story is no exception: A teenage Ralphie needs a sweet Mercury convertible for Christmas; otherwise, he’ll never get laid. A major award, for sure.
Homicide for the Holidays (Saturday, Nov. 25, Oxygen): Season 2 of the murder-rific Xmas series features true-crime stories ranging from “a botched house fire that led to the uncovering of a triple-homicide to a case that is still classified as the worst family massacre in U.S. history.” Joy!
Angry Angel (Monday, Nov. 27, Freeform): A newly dead angel (Brenda Song) is somehow stuck on Earth—well, New York City—and still hung up on her ex (Ricky Mabe), all of which pisses off her boss up in Heaven (Jason Biggs). Will she ever get off … the terrestrial plane?
A Very Pentatonix Christmas (Monday, Nov. 27, NBC): Vocal group Pentatonix returns for another holiday special, with A-list guests like Jay Leno (!) and a teen ventriloquist (!!). “A cappella” is Italian for “no real musicians will stoop to work with them,” by the way.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Tuesday, Nov. 28, CBS): Not so much a “holiday” special as a primetime half-naked jiggle-fest that makes total sense in the new age of sexual-harassment awareness. Rumored musical guests: Hologram David Bowie and Lemmy dueting on Wham’s “Last Christmas.”
Drunk History Christmas Special (Tuesday, Nov. 28, Comedy Central): Comics re-enact ’Merican holiday events like George Washington crossing the Delaware on Dec. 25, and Teddy Roosevelt banning Christmas trees in the White House. Bill O’Reilly was right—the War on Christmas is centuries old!
Gwen Stefani’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas (Tuesday, Dec. 12, NBC): Everybody’s favorite chipmunk-voiced ska survivor hosts her very own songs-and-sketches holiday special, with guests Chelsea Handler, Ken Jeong, Seth MacFarlane, Ne-Yo and, duh, Blake Shelton. It’s gonna be B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
A Christmas Story Live! (Sunday, Dec. 17, Fox): An even better idea than A Christmas Story 2, A Christmas Story Live! puts the played-to-death holiday classic on the Broadway stage, with Matthew Broderick, Maya Rudolph and Chris Diamantopoulos. It’s live; an eye could get shot out.
Doctor Who: Twice Upon a Time (Monday, Dec. 25, BBC America): It’s the end of the road for 12th Doctor Peter Capaldi and series writer/producer Steven Moffat, but also the debut of the first-ever female Doc, Jodie Whittaker. Plus, in a timey-wimey twist … the First Doctor! Breathe, nerds.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (all of December, Freeform): The greatest work of the late Chevy Chase (wait, he’s not dead?) is the pinnacle of holiday movies (sorry, Bad Santa). And, if ever there were a phrase to sum up the country in the dying days of 2017, it’s: “Shitter’s full!”
Moral Orel, “The Best Christmas Ever” (streaming, Hulu): God-fearing Orel believes his baby brother Shapey to be the second coming of Jesus—but he’s also a complete asshole. Meanwhile, his parents are divorcing, and Dad’s at the bar (“Forghetty’s Pub”) getting loaded on Christmas. Ever hopeful, Orel looks to the heavens for divine intervention. Nothing happens. Fade to black. Merry Christmas!