Election Night 2016 (Tuesday, Nov. 8, ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, PBS): You could trust the Lamestream Media to give you accurate, unbiased coverage of voting results across the country, just like you could trust a urine-scented man in a ratty clown costume to baby-sit your kids in a windowless van under the overpass while you attend your political party’s “Victory!” bash at the local bar. Just sayin.’ ABC’s Your Voice Your Vote, CBS’ Campaign 2016, Fox’s You Decide 2016, NBC’s 2016 Election Night and PBS’ Newshour Election Night can’t even come up with decent titles, much less disclosure that their Liberal Media reporters and analysts are all Team Hillary. Except for that dreamy Shepard Smith, anchor of Fox’s recycled broadcast from Fox News …
Election Night 2016 (Tuesday, Nov. 8, Fox News): The Make America Great Again™ crowd will be glued to Fox News tonight, grabbing for any crumbs of positive Donald Trump poll showings, which Shep and conservative lust/loathe object Megyn Kelly may not be able to deliver. Which is why Fox News will probably throw on such true believers as human potato Karl Rove and inhuman hairball Ann Coulter to keep your grandfather from completely losing his shit and retreating to the bunker. With any luck, they’ll also give some screen time to Fox News wildcards like Greg Gutfeld and Kat Timpf to inject some (intentional) comedy into what could be a bleak night.
Election Night 2016 (Tuesday, Nov. 8, CNN): If the Centrist News Network were smart, they’d bring in Samantha Bee from Time Warner cable cousin TBS’ Full Frontal as a guest commentator. They’re not, so they won’t. Instead, it’ll be hours of Wolf Blitzer’s beardy blathering, broken up with the occasional pithy point from Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper and maybe a woman, if they can find one anywhere in the newsroom. But hey, 3D Minority Report graphics!
Election Night 2016 (Tuesday, Nov. 8, MSNBC): The Left Wing’s direct feed will be unapologetically, giddily pronouncing a Hillary Clinton landslide, and Hardball’s Chris Matthews will likely be even more intoxicated than usual … allegedly. MSNBC is as liberal as David Cross in Barbra Streisand drag snorting Ecstasy at Burning Man, but it’s still a credible news outlet that delivers in the clutch—maybe because they rest all weekend while airing 600 reruns of Locked Up Abroad, but who knows? Few newscasters piss off Redneck ‘Merica like Rachel Maddow, which is why she’s a national treasure who’ll become even more invaluable should this “rigged” election go the way of the Manchurian Cheeto instead of the presumed Pantsuit Assassin. Who better to be the voice of the underground resistance in the post-apocalyptic Mad Max hellscape of TrumpVana?
The Daily Show With Trevor Noah (Tuesday, Nov. 8, Comedy Central): It’s crunch time. If Trevor Noah and his crew don’t nail this, the most important moment of The Daily Show’s post-Jon Stewart era, Comedy Central might as well give up and just hand weeknights completely over to Chris Hardwick and @Midnight. We’re rooting for you, Trevor. Well, maybe not Larry Wilmore, but the rest of us are …
Stephen Colbert’s Live Election Night Democracy’s Series Finale: Who’s Going to Clean Up This Shit? (Tuesday, Nov. 8, Showtime): “It will be all the political comedy you love from my CBS show, with all the swearing and nudity you love from Showtime,” Late Show host Stephen Colbert has said of his epically-named live special. “Get all the election news without all the ethics and standards of news.” While that last part is essentially the mantra of AM talk radio, Colbert’s unusual live outing on an uncensored premium-cable network (again, why aren’t you doing a similar special with Samantha Bee on your HBO, Time Warner?) should be the go-to election broadcast of the year, even if it is only an hour long.
Good night, and good luck, America.