Dear Mexican: Why is it so easy to escape from Mexican prisons, and why is it always accomplished the day before execution? And why haven’t the proper authorities figured it out yet? See Madero, Pancho Villa, Luis Terrazas Jr., etc.
Dear Jailbreak Fred: Don’t forget El Chapo!
The answer is obvious: Mexican law enforcement and government officials are more easily bought than a piratería copy of Star Wars: The Force Awakens at your local Mexican supermarket parking lot. As for Chapo’s already legendary escape, all I can add is that I still can’t decide whether Dig Dug or Super Mario Bros. is the more hilarious meme for the situation.
Oh, and fuck Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, that pinche prieto cagaleche.
Dear Mexican: I’m Mexican. I don’t mind when my friends ask me questions about Mexicans. But my Jew-wop friend asked me a question about Mexicans that I don’t understand, and to which I have no answer: “Why do some Mexican chicks look Asian?” Having grown up in SanTana, I immediately thought of the cholas and every Payasa, Tweetie and Shorty I knew, and their amazing skills with liquid eyeliner. Several Google searches did not yield any good results. So neither of us got the much-needed visual to help us communicate.
So, the original question: Why do some Mexican chicks look Asian? Is it the makeup, his Jew-wop ignorance, or something I am clearly missing?
La Sad Girl
Dear Pocha: What you’re missing is that a chingo of chinitos are Mexicans.
Asians have been coming to Mexico since the 1500s, when Filipinos worked the Manila galleons that would unload in Acapulco; they then intermixed with the population in Guerrero, Oaxaca and beyond.
Give or take a Chinese pogrom or a chino, chino, japonés schoolyard chant, the Asian presence in Mexico has never ended. In recent years, Korean migrants have made Mexico City home, and there’s the continued takeover of Ensenada by Chinese nationals. Their presence in Mexicali dates back nearly a century. Not only that, but don’t forget that our indigenous side came from Asia thousands of years ago—so don’t be surprised when your cousin grows up to look like a radiant Burmese tribeswoman from a Cold War-era National Geographic spread instead of however the hell a “normal” Mexican is supposed to aparecer.
I’m a residential real estate guy, and this question came up in my group recently: Why is it that when Mexicans buy a house, one of the first things they do is put up heavy shades, or even blankets, on all of the windows? Why don’t they let the sun shine in?
Dear Wab: Three possibilities. The most obvious is that Mexicans like their privacy. If we want the world to see us, we have no problem being outside—that’s why we have parties on the front lawn, and couches on the porch, and why we create gazebos and benches for the outside. But once we’re inside, we don’t want metiches nosing around.
That leads to the second posibilidad: The house might be occupied by multiple families, who do not want the outside world to know that what’s supposed to be a bedroom is actually occupied by a family of five.
The least likely answer is also one that all gabachos immediately assume—that it’s a drop house for drugs. The only way to know if that last thing is true: If it’s the one house on the block that gabachos come in and out of. You know what to do …
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!