Stick a fork in this TV season—it’s time to look ahead to the next one. Here’s some of what the networks have green-lighted for the 2014-2015 season:
Agent Carter (ABC): Or, more likely, Marvel’s Agent Carter, as it’s a spin-off of Captain America: The First Avenger. In the 1946-set drama, Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) takes on secret spy missions for Stark Industries, because she’s a skilled, capable woman (yay) … and she needs something to distract her from pining over Cap (boo).
American Crime (ABC): And the dullest show-title award goes to American Crime, which follows the personal toll taken on those affected by a racially motivated crime and trial. If TV audiences are clamoring for anything, it’s to be lectured on race and class politics every week, right?
Forever (ABC): The Fantastic Four’s Ioan Gruffudd stars as a New York City medical examiner who also happens to be immortal and uses his extended life experience to solve crimes with the help of a plucky female detective. Not so much a boring show name as overly optimistic.
The Whispers (ABC): A sci-fi epic about an alien invasion targeting Earth’s children, because Steven Spielberg apparently forgot that he also produces Falling Skies.
Selfie (ABC): After inadvertently becoming a social-media sensation because of a humiliating Internet video, Eliza Dooley (Doctor Who’s Karen Gillan) hires a marketing expert (John Cho, Star Trek) to help her rehab her image. Didya catch the My Fair Lady reference? No? Probably for the best.
Manhattan Love Story (ABC): Gawd, these show names.
Galavant (ABC): A “musical fairytale comedy” (!) about a brave knight (Rogue’s Joshua Sasse) and his quest to rescue his true love (Mallory Jansen) from the clutches of an evil king (Timothy Omundson, Psych). Upside: It’s produced by The Neighbors’ Dan Fogelman, which reduces the Suck Potential somewhat.
NCIS: New Orleans (CBS): It’s NCIS, in New Orleans. Ask your parents.
Backstrom (Fox): A self-destructive-but-brilliant Portland detective (Rainn Wilson, The Office) is given one last chance to get his shit together by leading a special crimes unit. Hey, at least it’s not called Special Crimes Unit.
Gotham (Fox): The origin story of Batman’s Commissioner Gordon (as a young detective, played by Southland’s Ben McKenzie), before Gotham City became a super-crime hub. His most daunting obstacle: co-star Jada Pinkett Smith, aka The Show Killer.
Hieroglyph (Fox): An action-adventure drama set in ancient Egypt that was probably pitched on a dare, like last year’s Dads.
Last Man on Earth (Fox): Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is, literally, the last man on Earth. OK, maybe this was the dare.
Mulaney (Fox): Speaking of SNL, ex-writer John Mulaney plays himself as an aspiring comic coming up in New York City. Says here, “multi-camera,” which means “laugh track,” which means “The Only TV Column That Matters™ ain’t watching a canned-laughs comedy in 2014.”
Mission Control (NBC): It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s David Hornsby writes/produces an “Anchorman-in-space” comedy starring Krysten Ritter (Don’t Trust the B). This almost makes up for the loss of Community. Almost.
State of Affairs (NBC): Katherine Heigl’s … triumphant? … return to television as a CIA attaché who balances advising the president with her own turbulent personal life. No, the president isn’t a hunky single dad just waiting for the right hot mess to settle down with—it’s Alfre Woodard!
Constantine (NBC): From DC Comics, a supernatural monster-of-the-week drama that will make you forget that 2005 Keanu Reeves flick. Not that you already haven’t.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (NBC): My favorite premise/star of them all: Ellie Kemper (The Office) stars as a woman starting her life over after … escaping a doomsday cult! Even better, it’s produced by Tina Fey and was originally titled Tooken. Can’t wait to watch all three airings of this.
DVD ROUNDUP FOR MAY 20!
3 Days to Kill
A spy (Kevin Costner) sets out on One Last Mission, but gets stuck with his teen daughter and, almost as bad, brain cancer. Can he take down the terrorist and bring his family back together? Hell, if Liam Neeson can do it, why not? (20th Century Fox)
Fugitive at 17
When a teenage computer hacker (Marie Avgeropoulos) is framed for her best friend’s fatal O.D. at a rave, she goes on the lam and uses her cyber-skills to find The Real Killer. Despite all evidence, not a movie from 1996. (MTI)
The Monuments Men
A group of art curators and historians (including George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bill Murray and John Goodman) are recruited by the Army to retrieve masterpieces from the Nazis during World War II. All together now: It’s Ocean’s 1943! (Sony)
A hunky gladiator (Kit Harington) fights to save his true love (Emily Browning), who’s been betrothed to a corrupt Roman senator against her will. Oh, and there’s a volcano called Mount Vesuvius about to flood Pompeii with molten lava. Priorities. (Sony)
So you expect me to believe that, not only is there a movie actually titled Vampire Academy, but there is also a series of books? I’m supposed to accept that the Young Adult audience will just buy any crap? Good day. I said good day, sir! (AnchorBay)
More New DVD Releases (May 20)
Call the Midwife: Season 3, Grand Piano, House of Dust, In Secret, Like Someone In Love, Mischief Night, The Moneychangers, Nikita: Season 4, Pleased to Meet Me, Raze, The Right Kind of Wrong, Warehouse 13: The Complete Series, Way of the Wicked.