Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators (Thursday, Sept. 5, Syfy), movie: It’s the last Syfy B-flick of the summer—and this one doesn’t live up to the idiot-genius of Sharknado. As you’ve probably guessed, Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators is about killer swamp-chompers; what you can’t possibly surmise is how they got that way: “Contaminated moonshine dumped in a Louisiana swamp turns the bayou’s gators—and the people who eat them—into deadly mutants.” Yes, alligators are a delicacy in the South—do you think Syfy just makes this stuff up? The “Sy” stands for syience!
Boardwalk Empire (Sunday, Sept. 8, HBO), season premiere: Last year’s psycho villain Gyp Rosetti has been dispatched; one of this season’s potential antagonists is a far-more-subtle kind of weirdo: Agent Warren Knox (Brian Geraghty, The Hurt Locker) isn’t just the newbie fed he appears to be; that’s all I’m sayin.’ Meanwhile, Nucky (Steve Buscemi) cautiously gets back to Atlantic City business; Al Capone (Stephen Graham) expands his biz in Chicago; and Nucky’s now-ex Margaret (Kelly Macdonald) is nowhere to be seen in the season premiere—meaning there may not be a likable character left on Boardwalk Empire. It really is the new Sopranos.
The Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sept. 9, NBC), series debut: NBC has a handful of promising, could-be-hit dramas and comedies coming—so of course they’re kicking off their 2013-2014 season with a game show—a game show hosted by Ryan Seacrest, no less, because the space-time continuum will collapse upon itself if this gelled hobbit is off television for even a moment.
Sons of Anarchy (Tuesday, Sept. 10, FX), season premiere: Apparently, Tara (Maggie Siff) didn’t catch Orange Is the New Black before she was tossed in prison—the terrible haircut is optional. With his old lady in the joint, it’s up to Jax (Charlie Hunnam) to hold his motorcycle club together and take care of his two sons, with the latter mostly falling to the motley It Takes a Village crew of bikers and porn starlettes that makes up SAMCRO Daycare. Clay (Ron Perlman) is also behind bars, but probably not for long, as big bad Lee Toric (Donal Logue at his most menacing) is ready to strike any deal it takes to destroy Jax and the club for their inadvertent role in his sister’s murder. The 90-minute season opener, “Straw,” is so loaded with violence and cable-testing imagery—some inflicted on showrunner Kurt Sutter’s own recurring character, Otto—that it seems like Sutter and FX are practically telling moral watchdog groups to suck it. (The Only TV Column That Matters™ approves this message.)
The Heart, She Holler (Tuesday, Sept. 10, Adult Swim), season premiere: Between Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators and a second season of The Heart, She Holler, it’s an even worse week than usual for hillbillies on the TV lookie-box—or better, depending upon your social status. If only there were a mildly comedic way to tell if you might be a redneck. Anyway: When last we saw inbred man-child heir Hurlan (Patton Oswalt) and his jealous sisters two years ago, all was not well in the hick town; somehow, things have degenerated even further, as Heartshe has now become “the cosmic battleground of mankind’s final war between Pure Evil and Pure Awful!” TLC vs. MTV? I’ve waited so long for this … (single tear).
DVD RELEASE ROUNDUP FOR SEPT. 10!
When the Internet becomes self-aware and turns on mankind (just go with it), it’s up to a hacker-activist named Lucifer (Seth Green) to stop it. No, this isn’t a Robot Chicken sketch from 2007; it’s an actual miniseries that was on actual TV. (Sonar)
Homeland: Season 2
After not blowing up Washington, D.C., last season, semi-terrorist Brody (Damian Lewis) is now a U.S. congressman, and Carrie (Claire Danes) is out of the CIA—but will they be able to stay apart and out of danger? Oh, what do you think? (20th Century Fox)
This shows the murder-trial life of music producer Phil Spector (played by Al Pacino and a dazzling array of wigs) and his defense attorney (Helen Mirren); based on true events but taken to ridiculous, fabricated extremes. Like Spector himself. (HBO)
Reality Terror Night
Five girls spend the night in a “haunted house” shooting a reality show, only to learn that the place really is haunted by a sadistic killer. So it’s like combining Big Brother with Ghost Hunters, then killing everybody? Sold! (Lightyear)
Star Trek Into Darkness
Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) and the Enterprise crew are called back into action to battle a powerful wacko (Benedict Cumberbatch) who is totally not Khan. Nope, he’s not Khan. Don’t even think about him being Kahn. No Khans here. (Paramount)
More New DVD Releases (Sept. 10)
Army Wives: Season 7, The Big Bang Theory: Season 6, Castle: Season 5, Chicago Fire: Season 1, Clunkers, Luther: Season 3, Madonna: MDNA World Tour, Mary and Martha, Parade’s End, Peeples, Slip and Fall, Supernatural: Season 8, Wish You Were Here.