CVIndependent

Wed08122020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

Savage Love

18 Mar 2020
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DEAR READERS: I live in Seattle, the first U.S. epicenter of the novel coronavirus epidemic, with my family. A lot of my readers wrote this week to wish us well. We are fine—scared, but fine—washing our hands compulsively and staying close to home. I’m going to keep churning out the column and recording my podcast, while being careful to maintain a safe social distance from the tech-savvy, at-risk youth. I’m hoping the column and podcast are welcome distractions. Please take care of yourselves; take care of the people around you; and wash your damn hands. I’m wondering if you know of a word that describes the fetish of getting off from talking dirty. I’ve searched a lot, and I can’t find a label for this kink or fetish. While googling around, I did learn some new terms, like “katoptronophilia” (being aroused by having sex in front of mirrors) and “pubephilia”…
11 Mar 2020
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I’m a cis bi woman, and I mainly have sex with people with penises. I have a really gross problem—sorry. It’s been an issue for as long as I’ve been sexually active—but in the past few years, it seems to have gotten worse. If I am being penetrated vaginally, especially if it’s vigorous (which I prefer), and I orgasm, sometimes I poop accidentally. If I try to clench up to keep this from happening, it doesn’t work, and I can’t orgasm. This used to happen once in a blue moon, only with particularly intense orgasms, but now it happens more frequently. One person I’ve been seeing really likes anal, and that makes the problem even worse. To be clear: I have no desire for poop in my sex life. It’s gross; it’s embarrassing; and my partners do not enjoy it. Nor do I. I’ve tried going to the bathroom before…
04 Mar 2020
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I’m a middle-aged gay man, and I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This is a disorder caused by the soft tissue in the throat collapsing during sleep. On top of making me feeling tired and awful all the time, sleep apnea is associated with a long list of health complications. I’m writing you because I’m into very rough oral. I like it when a guy treats my throat like a Fleshlight. Gagging and retching turn me on. Since I don’t want to risk making my condition worse, I stopped giving blowjobs after my diagnosis. But will giving blowjobs the way I like to give them actually make things worse? The internet was not helpful, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking the sleep specialist. Really Excited To Choke Harmlessly “The vast majority of people with sleep apnea have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), which is what I assume this individual has,”…
26 Feb 2020
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I’m a 31-year-old cis bisexual woman. I’m hetero-romantic and in a monogamish relationship with a man. We play with other people together. I’ve never liked giving blowjobs, because I was taught that girls who give blowjobs are “sluts.” Phrases that are meant to be insulting, like, “You suck,” “Suck it,” “Go suck a dick,” etc. created a strong association in my mind between blowjobs and men degrading women. (Men take what they want, and women get used and called sluts.) As such, I never sucked much dick—and if I did, it was only briefly and never to completion. I also find spit and come kind of gross. Even when I get really wet during sex, it’s a bit of a turnoff, and I hate that it makes me feel gross, and I wish I could change my thinking around it. Early in our relationship, my husband noticed the lack of…
19 Feb 2020
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I’m 20, straight, male, fit and active. I masturbated prone—flat on my stomach—for years. I’ve now changed to a more-traditional position (on my back or sitting upright), and I’m using my hand rather than grinding against a mattress. I can easily orgasm when I masturbate. I’ve had sex four times in my life, and I’m worried because I wasn’t able to orgasm by someone else’s hand, through oral, or during penetration. I felt more sensation with oral or by hand than I did during intercourse, but I wasn’t able to get off. This is extremely worrying, and I am increasingly depressed. Am I broken? Is my sex life ruined? Boy Reeling Over Kaput Equipment You’re not broken, BROKE, and your partnered sex life, which has barely begun, isn’t ruined. Even if you’re never able to come by someone else’s hand, mouth, twat or ass—and that’s the worst-case scenario here—you can…
12 Feb 2020
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My boyfriend and I were having relationship issues until we tried something new: pegging. He wanted to try it, but he was afraid and sometimes said the idea disgusted him. Then we tried it … and it was better than normal vanilla or even kinky bondage sex. It was the most emotionally connected sex we’ve ever had. I actually pegged him three times in 24 hours. He says now he wants to be “the girl” in our relationship. He doesn’t want to transition to become a girl, but to be more “the girl” sexually and emotionally. I see this as sexy and loving. I’ve always taken care of him in a nurturing way, but this adds so much more. I feel bad about sending this long story just to ask a simple question, but … how do I be more “the guy” for my boyfriend who wants to be more…
05 Feb 2020
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I started reading your column when I was a 20-year-old kid. Now I’m an old married lady with 20 years of (more or less) blissful married monogamy behind me. My oldest daughter, who is 23, just came out to me as a sex worker. She’s been making a slim living as a cam girl. She recently graduated with a marketable degree, but she hasn’t been searching for a job in her field, because, as she puts it, “It’s hard to want to apply for a minimum-wage job when I make the same working from home.” I’m finding this very hard to process on a number of levels. First—and I hope you will believe most importantly—it’s very hard for me to see her giving up what used to be her dreams. But that’s not the part I think you can help me with. I used to be a sex worker. For…
29 Jan 2020
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I’m a 33-year-old woman in a relationship with a 43-year-old man. My boyfriend’s fantasy is to have a threesome with another man. He enjoys watching me have sex with other men and then intermittently fucking me—but he mostly likes to watch me get fucked. For a long time, my boyfriend would send nudes or videos of him fucking me to men we met on dating apps. We would talk dirty about it during sex. Recently, we met up with a man for the first time. I don’t think it went well. My boyfriend and I have had conversations about my fear of contracting an STI. So before the threesome started, I explained to my boyfriend and the other guy that condoms were required. They both agreed. This guy was really nervous, and when he put a condom on, he went flaccid. He would try to fuck me with his flaccid,…
22 Jan 2020
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I’m a 30-year-old bi male. I’ve been with my wife for five years, and we’ve been married nine months. A month into our relationship, I let her know that watching partners with other men has always been something I wanted, and that sharing this had caused all my previous relationships to collapse. Her reaction was the opposite of what I was used to: She said she respected my kink, and we both agreed we wanted to solidify our relationship before venturing down the cuckold road. Fast-forward a couple of years, and we are in a healthy relationship, living together, regularly visiting sex clubs (though playing only with each other), and beginning to add some cuckold dirty talk to our sex play. Then after I proposed, we got busy … with wedding plans. Sex and experimentation were set aside. Once we got married, we started … looking for a house. Sex…
15 Jan 2020
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I’m a 26-year-old bisexual woman with a history of self-harm. It hasn’t been much of an issue for the last few years, but my sex life has improved a lot in that time. I realized that I am quite submissive and masochistic, and I have found a wonderful Dominant partner who I’ve gotten to explore that kink with in a positive and healthy way. Last night, I watched the movie Secretary, and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character is someone who self-harms, but stops when she begins a Dom/sub relationship with her boss. Obviously this film is flawed and not exactly a great guideline for healthy BDSM relationships. (The power dynamic! The lack of consent! That weird come scene!) However, I did find myself relating to her character and am now questioning my motives for pursuing this kind of sexual relationship. I worry that I may be unintentionally using the pain that I…