CVIndependent

Sun08092020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

Savage Love

27 May 2020
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I don’t want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with 10 years ago, and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend—and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he’d be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down, and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19. So I haven’t seen him since the last weekend in February, and I’ve been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it’s been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups, and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better, and I don’t know what to…
20 May 2020
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Here’s a non-COVID question for you: I’m a queer white female in a monogamish marriage. I vote left; I abhor hatred and oppression; and I engage in activism when I can. I’m also turned on by power differentials: authority figures, uniforms, hot guys doing each other. Much to my horror, this thing for power differentials, plus too many World War II movies as a kid, has always meant that for my brain (or for my pussy), Nazis are hot. Fuck me, right? Other maybe relevant bits of info: I’m not interested in roleplaying with actual partners; I’m fairly sure this proclivity is not reflective of any deeper issues; and I’m both sexually and emotionally fairly well-sorted—not perfect, but in fine working order and all that. And I get it: People like what they like; don’t judge yourself for your fetishes; just get off without being an asshole to anyone. The…
13 May 2020
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It’s taken a lot to do this, but here goes: I am a 38-year-old gay male. I have been dating this guy for one year and 10 months. It’s been a lot of work. He’s cheated on me numerous times. He lives with me and doesn’t work, and I’ve been taking care of him for seven months now. He always accuses me of cheating or finds something to blame me for. What I am angry about now is how for the past four months, he has been accusing me of playing games by conspiring with people to make him hear voices. If I look up at the ceiling or look around, he says I am communicating with “them.” I keep telling him I do not hear or see anything, but he insists that I am lying. He also says I put a curse on him. One day, I got up;…
06 May 2020
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I’ve been with the same amazing man for a dozen years. We’ve had our ups and our downs, same as any other couple, but these days, life is better than it ever has been for us. Except in the bedroom. A few years ago, he started having fantasies about sucking dick. Specifically, he wanted to suck a small one, because his is very big, and he wanted to “service” a guy who’s less hung than he is. This is fine except, it’s now the only thing that gets him off. We seldom have sex since now, because his obsession with sucking off a guy with a small dick makes me feel unattractive—and to be honest, I don’t share the fantasy. I even let him suck a dude off in front of me once, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. He tells me he still finds me attractive, but when…
29 Apr 2020
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I’m a 31-year-old female. Last week, I suddenly started to experience an overwhelming, compulsive and near-constant state of physical arousal. I’ve masturbated so much looking for relief that my entire lower region is super sore and swollen—and still, it is like my whole body is pulsating with this electric arousal telling me to ignore the pain and do it again. I have no idea if it’s normal to suddenly have suck a spike in libido, and I know a lot of people will say they wish they had this problem, but it is interfering with my daily activities, because I can’t focus on anything else. My college classes are suffering because of it. I’ve even had to remove my clitoral hood piercing, which I’ve had that for over 10 years! I feel like I have all of the reasons—high anxiety related to the pandemic, being stuck with an alcoholic boyfriend…
22 Apr 2020
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I was raised in a religious home and didn’t lose my virginity until the embarrassing age of 26. I was told by the church to save it for marriage, and I was a virgin until I met the woman who would become my wife at a party. I said to hell with it; we had a one-night stand; and we’ve been together now for eight years. I’m tall and slim, and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot, I believed it’s what’s on the inside that matters. My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, I’ve all but stopped initiating sex, and on the rare occasion when we do make love, I make her come twice while I’m struggling just to get off. I know it’s shallow,…
15 Apr 2020
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I am a super-queer-presenting female who recently accepted that I have desires for men. My partner of two years is bisexual and understands the desires, but has personally dealt with those desires via masturbation—while my desires include acting. Her perspective is that the grass is greener where you water it, and that my desire to act is immature and selfish, and has an unrealistic end game. What gives when you don’t feel fulfilled sexually in a monogamous relationship? Open Or Over? Something definitely gives when a person doesn’t feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes it’s an ultimatum that’s given; sometimes it’s a one-time-only hall pass that’s given; sometimes it’s an agreement to open the relationship that’s given. But the relationship sometimes gives, e.g., the relationship collapses under the weight of competing and mutually exclusive needs and desires. If you want to open things up (if allowed), and she wants…
08 Apr 2020
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Your last two columns and your last two podcasts were all about the pandemic. Everything everywhere is all about the pandemic right now. Can you give it a rest? For maybe a week? Could you answer some questions that aren’t about pandemic? Any fun kink questions come in this week? I could all use a break from the pandemic, Dan, and I’m not alone. Columnist’s Oeuvre Vividly Instills Dread Some kink questions did come in this week, COVID, and I’m happy to answer them. But the pandemic does come up in the second one, which you should feel free to skip. I have a kink/fetish that’s been giving me a lot of anxiety over the last few years. I inadvertently discovered that I’m turned on by big bellies, weight gain and stuffing. It’s actually been there since I was a little kid, though I didn’t understand it until now. If…
01 Apr 2020
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My husband and I got married in August 2019, and we were together for more than five years before getting married. I’m very happy and love him with all my heart. I want to have his kids and support his entrepreneurial efforts as he supports mine. We don’t fight; we just have some tiffs here and there. The kicker is that I have a tough time feeling him during sex, and he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to. We’re adventurous enough to try different things, i.e. toys and different positions, but I find myself sexually unfulfilled. He also isn’t very willing/interested in going down on me; in fact, he has not once gone down on me. I’m also finding myself attracted to and fantasizing about other men. In addition to being honest with my husband, I don’t know what the solution is. I’m not opposed opening…
25 Mar 2020
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My question is on managing “gray area” intimacies during the pandemic. I have a lover/friend I’ve been hanging out with—fucking, drinking tea, going on hikes, eating ice cream, watching movies and other activities—for about nine months. He’s 36 and was married for 10 years, and due to that experience, he’s been a bit emotionally “boundaried,” but he’s still really sweet and a good communicator. I’m in grad school doing a double masters, so the small amount of time we’ve been spending together has worked well for me. Here’s the issue: he’s also an ER doctor. Do I keep seeing him during this pandemic? I just moved to the city where we both live for my grad program, and he’s my main source for connection, comfort and support here. Every time I see him, we both feel tremendously less stressed, and our connection feels emotionally healthy. I just know he is…