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Hi, Dan: I am a homosexual young adult seeking advice about kitten play. I find it very intriguing, and I’m wondering where to start. It’s a turn-on when someone calls me kitten, but I’m not sure how to express my kink or desire for kink play to the person or persons I am into. Any advice would be appreciated.

Constructive Advice Thoughtfully Sought

Hi, CATS: I am a homosexual not-so-young adult without much advice to offer where kitten play is concerned. I’ve encountered plenty of gay puppies in the wild—at various leather/fetish events—but I’ve seen only one fetish kitty in my lifetime, and she was a queen. (A female cat is called a queen; a male cat is called a tom; and a group of cats is called a glare. #TheMoreYouKnow!)

But Amp Somers, who hosts the kink-friendly sex-ed show Watts the Safeword, assures me that gay kitties are definitely a thing.

“Kitten play is a subcategory of the ‘animal role-play’ or ‘pet play’ kink,” said Somers. “It is a form of domination and submission in which someone gets into the head space of an animal they are role-playing and takes on its characteristics—be it with gear (masks, tails, collars) or by acting out the mannerisms of their animal. Most importantly, and this goes for all proper pet players, there are no actual animals involved in this play.”

Puppy play is the most common form of pet play—by far—and it’s very popular among younger gay kinksters. (Please don’t confuse gay pups or kitties with gay bears or otters. The former is about role-play and fetish; the latter is about body type, affirmation and community.) But what accounts for the popularity of pet play among younger kinksters?

“This sort of play allows someone to get into kink easily with or without a partner, and in a playful manner,” said Somers. “Pet play allows players to get their feet wet in the BDSM world without having to visit a dark dungeon, get tied up or engage in anything a newer kinkster might find intimidating. It’s a great entry-level kink.”

As for expressing your kink, CATS, that’s something you’re going to have to work out on your own.

“I imagine CATS already has an image of what kitten play looks like to them, and I bet it differs from what I might imagine my own pet play would look like or even from what readers imagine a kitten player to look like,” said Somers. “Is CATS a domesticated lazy kitten who lies in the sun? A curious, well-trained, docile cat responsive to cuddles and treats? Or are they a rambunctious, bratty, independent stray?”

To find your way into the kink scene, Somers recommends getting online.

“That’s how I first found pet play,” he said. “Sites like kitten-play.com offer in-depth written pieces by players, links to resources, and forums where people like CATS can educate themselves. Other sites like FetLife or Facebook provide more private groups to ‘meet’ others, ask more in depth questions, find local get-togethers, and make friends to socialize with. Or if they prefer video content, YouTube has a number of creators (like ‘Scream Kiwi’) who talk about their kinks in a fun, educational and personal way. And once CATS feels comfortable in their own identity and has defined what they want out of this play, they will be able to really communicate to their partner(s) what they’re into and what they want out of kitten play.”

Check out Amp Somers’ show—Watts the Safeword—at youtube.com/WattsTheSafeword, and follow him on Twitter @Pup_Amp.


I’m a gay male, and one of my good friends has put me in a strange position. The friend has been married to his husband for 15 years, and they are allowed to “play.” I have no desire to be in an open relationship, and I don’t think my boyfriend does, either.

I occasionally go over to this friend’s house right after work to buy weed, and he’s always alone when I come by. He joked about answering the door naked and then did it. (He told me he was going to, but I honestly didn’t think he would do it.) I was extremely uncomfortable, and he knew it. The last time I went over, he was naked again—and this time, he jerked off to completion in front of me. He asked me to join in, and I told him I couldn’t, because I hadn’t discussed anything like this with my boyfriend.

I’m supposed to go over again tomorrow, and he asked me to come by early, because his husband would be getting home from work early that day. This leads me to believe that the husband would not be OK with this. I haven’t said anything to his husband or my boyfriend, because I don’t want this to become a huge mess, and I hoped my palpable discomfort would put an end to it.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this nicely to make it stop without hurting his feelings?

Undressed Naked Friend Really Is Engineering Needless Drama

Your “good friend” is an asshole, UNFRIEND. He’s violating a whole bunch of social norms—chiefly the don’t-jerk-off-to-completion-in-front-of-other-people-without-their-enthusiastic-consent norm (aka the Louis C.K. Career in Comedy Memorial Norm)—and relying on your adherence to other social norms (avoid being rude; defuse don’t confront; spare others’ feelings) to get away with violating you as well. This asshole is sexually harassing you, and you haven’t told him to stop in unambiguous language.

The only reason you’ve given him for not whipping it out yourself is that you haven’t “discussed anything like this with (your) boyfriend.” He has self-servingly interpreted your reason for not joining in like this: “He wants to, and maybe he will after he has a ‘discussion’ with his boyfriend.” I’m sorry, UNFRIEND, but you’re going to have to be blunt: “You have to knock this shit off. It’s disrespectful; it’s nonconsensual; and it’s pissing me off.” Don’t worry about hurting his feelings—he obviously doesn’t care about your feelings—and find a new weed dealer.


I have a follow-up question on your advice for JACKS, the gay manager who ran into an employee at a JO party. Alison “Ask a Manager” Green told him he couldn’t go to these parties anymore. A distinction was made between sexual-situation encounters between bosses and those they manage in “private clubs” (the JO club) or at “public events” (Folsom Street Fair). My question is about Grindr/Scruff/Growlr/etc. Are these more like “private clubs” or “public events”?

In part, my question stems from being a professor and having seen students and colleagues on these apps. I feel like I should not be reading the profiles of students in my department (who are mostly graduate students). I am also troubled by my colleagues appearing on these apps—from the perspective that this seems to be a sexually oriented space, and there is the power differential between faculty and students.

Basics Of Sexual Spaces

Dating apps are the new gay bars—more than 75 percent of same-sex couples met online—so telling gay bosses or college profs they can’t go on dating apps because their gay male students or underlings might be on them means condemning gay bosses and profs to celibacy. Bosses and profs shouldn’t flirt with their students and underlings, of course, and it might be a good idea to block ’em when you spot ’em—so you won’t be tempted by their profiles/torsos, and they won’t be tempted by yours—but gay bosses and profs are free to look for dick on dating apps.

On the Lovecast, where do kinks come from? Dr. Justin Lehmiller on the science of desire: savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

Is it even possible for a couple that stopped having sex to start back up again?

My girlfriend and I (we’re both women) have been together for four years, and we haven’t had sex for two. I thought the sex was good before it stopped, but apparently she was going through the motions. She’s a sex worker, and it took her a while to figure out she was not being present, and she wanted to stop having sex with me until she could figure out how to change that. I get that and respect it. We have an open relationship, so I started having more sex with other people. And while it’s fun, I do find myself wishing I could have sex with someone I actually care about—and I only care about her.

She says she wants to start having sex with me again, but we don’t really know how to do that. Everything is kind of terrifying and awkward. She said it’s hard to go from sex with zero intimacy into sex with the intimacy turned up to 11. We’re very romantic with each other, and there are other forms of physical affection like kisses and snuggling, but no making out or humping. I love her more than I knew I could love a person, and if we never do figure out how to have sex together, I’ll still stay with her. But for two people who are both highly sexual and want to have sex with each other, we sure are perplexed at how to make this work.

Sex Or Romance Dilemma

“Let’s cut to the chase: Yes, it is possible for a couple that has stopped having sex to start having it again,” said Dr. Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist and a sex researcher at the University of British Columbia.

You ended on a note of despair, SORD, but Brotto sees two good reasons for hope: You and your girlfriend are completely open and honest with each other, and you’re committed to staying together whether or not the sex resumes. Your communication skills and that rock-solid commitment—neither of you are going anywhere—are the bedrock on which you can rebuild your sex life.

“There are two aspects of SORD’s question that jump out at me: One, the reference to wanting to be present for sex, and two, the description of the situation as terrifying and awkward,” said Brotto. “SORD’s girlfriend likely perfected the practice of ‘going elsewhere’ during sex while at work, which meant that it became almost automatic for her to do this while having sex in her relationship. This is classic mindlessness, and it is why mindfulness—the state of full awareness to the present moment in a kind and compassionate way—may be a tool for her to consider implementing.”

Mindfulness is the subject of Brotto’s new book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire.

“Mindfulness has a long history in Buddhist meditation, and it allowed monks to sit with their present experience, including pain and suffering, for hours or days—or sometimes weeks and months,” said Dr. Brotto. “In more recent years, mindfulness has been reconceptualized as a tool that anyone can use and benefit from. It doesn’t rely on having a Buddhist orientation or a cave to retreat to.”

So how does this ancient mindfulness stuff work where modern girl-on-girl sex is concerned?

“The practice is simple,” said Brotto. “It involves deliberately paying attention to sensations, sounds and thoughts in the present moment—and noticing when the mind gets pulled elsewhere and then gently but firmly guiding it back. Mindfulness is also about not berating yourself for finding it challenging or judging yourself for the thoughts you have.”

In her practice, Dr. Brotto has seen research subjects successfully use mindfulness to cultivate and/or reignite sexual desire, calm anxiety, and relieve the awkwardness and fear that some people experience with sex.

“Suffice it to say,” she said, “there is an impressive body of research that supports the practice of mindful sex, and people who otherwise may believe that their minds are incapable of staying still can effectively learn to fully engage their attention to sex and the person(s) with whom they are having sex. It doesn’t matter if you are skeptical about whether mindfulness works or not—if you are willing to learn the skills and apply it to sex, you’re likely to benefit.”

If you’re nervous or scared that it won’t work or that you’ll never reconnect sexually with your girlfriend, SORD, Brotto wants you to know that those feelings are perfectly normal.

“The uncertainty surrounding what will happen when they try to reintegrate sex can be terrifying for some couples,” said Brotto. “What if it doesn’t work? What if neither of them has desire? What if the sex is just plain bad? If SORD and her partner are worrying about the anticipated sex, or even catastrophizing over it—a jargony term meaning they imagine it ending in disaster—that can make it damn near impossible to remain in the present. The good news is that mindfulness can help with the tendency to get lost on the thought train.”

So here’s what you’re going to do, SORD: Order a copy of Dr. Brotto’s new book, and read it with your girlfriend. And while you wait for the book to arrive, you’re going to try a mindful touching exercise called “sensate focus.”

“She will invite her girlfriend to touch her from head to toe, minus the genitals, for 15 minutes—without the goal of triggering arousal or desire,” said Brotto. “SORD’s role is to pay attention to the sensations emerging, and curtail any thoughts by redirecting attention to the here and now. And relax. After 15 minutes, they switch roles so SORD becomes the giver, and her girlfriend is the receiver. This is not foreplay. It is not manual sexual stimulation. It is a mindfulness exercise designed to teach a person to remain in the present while receiving sensual touch.”

There are solo mindfulness exercises, SORD, and some good, commercially available apps out there that can walk you through them. But if your goal is reconnecting with your girlfriend, Brotto strongly recommends that you two work on mindfulness together.

“My view is that a couple-based mindfulness exercise like sensate focus will get them to their goal of mind-blowing, mind-knowing sex,” said Brotto.

Follow Dr. Brotto on Twitter @DrLoriBrotto.


CONFIDENTIAL TO AMERICAN CITIZENS EVERYWHERE

Furious about Brett Kavanaugh? Me, too. That’s why I donated to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. Our only hope of protecting a woman’s right to choose, voting rights, LGBTQ rights, the environment and organized labor—our only hope for blocking Trump’s anti-everyone-and-everything agenda—is to take back the U.S. House and Senate this November. If the Democrats control the House come January (which looks likely), they can impeach Kavanaugh; if they control the Senate come January (a longer shot but within reach), they can put Kavanaugh on trial—and that means a full investigation into all the allegations against him, including the numerous ways in which he perjured himself during his confirmation hearings. It would take a two-thirds majority in the Senate to convict and remove Kavanaugh, and Dems likely won’t take that many seats—but if a trial uncovers proof that Kavanaugh committed the crimes he’s been accused of and lied to Congress, perhaps enough Republicans can be shamed into voting to remove him. (Republicans feeling shame? That may be the longest of long shots.) Go to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee website (dscc.org); click “contribute”; and give what you can.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADIAN STUDENTS IN ONTARIO

Thank you for walking out of your classrooms to protest the scrapping of Ontario’s sex-ed curriculum by Doug Ford, your newish (and thuggish) premier. Every student deserves an up-to-date sexual education that covers reproduction, pleasure, consent, tech, sexting, sexual abuse and LGBTQ issues. Watching students stand up against Ford’s reactionary, bigoted, sex-negative assholery has been truly inspiring. Keep it up!

On the Lovecast, are sugar babies sex workers?: savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I married my high-school sweetheart at 17; we had a baby and were together a few years; mental illness and subsequent infidelity led to things ending. My ex-husband remarried, divorced again, and is now in another LTR. I’m in an LTR for a decade with my current partner (CP); we have a few kids, and I’m so in love with him that it terrifies me.

My ex frequently makes sexual remarks to me—low-key flirts. I feel an animal attraction in the moment. Whatever. I don’t want to be with him; my relationship with CP is solid AF, and I get amazing fucking at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex-husband’s remarks and one actual physical advance. CP has offered to talk to my ex. I told him nah, I’ll deal with it and make it stop. I talked to my ex-husband today, and he said: “I’m sorry; it’s just teasing, I won’t make an actual move ever again, but you’re the only woman I ever just look at and get immediately hard for, and it’s only a few more years before our kid is fully grown and we don’t see each other anymore. So humor me, because you know we both enjoy it.” And it’s true that I do enjoy it. But how harmful is it to engage in flirty banter without any touching, nudity or worse?

I hate having secrets, as I feel they are barriers to intimacy, but I’m a 30-something mom and it is so fucking unbearably sexy to be made to feel so desirable even after all that shit between us, and it’ll never, ever happen because hell no am I sleeping with my ex-hubby, but knowing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can’t help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I’ve never fucking felt before—but even so, I don’t want to be a terrible person for hiding this from my CP, because I don’t like having secrets from him, but this is just one that turns me on to no end, but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yesterday because it’s wrong, right?

Secret Longings Utterly Titillating

I love a good run-on sentence—grammar fetishists are going to get off on diagramming that doozy you closed with—so I’m going to give it a shot, too: I don’t see the harm in enjoying your ex-husband’s flirtations so long as you’re certain you’ll never, ever take him up on his standing offer, but you are playing with fire here, SLUT, so pull on a pair of asbestos panties when you know you’ll be seeing your ex-hubby, and I don’t think you should feel bad about this secret, because while honesty is great generally, and while the keeping of secrets is frowned upon by advice professionals reflexively, SLUT, a little mystery, a little distance, a little erotic autonomy keeps our sex lives with long-term partners hot—even monogamous relationships—so instead of seeing this secret as a barrier to intimacy, SLUT, remind yourself that the erotic charge you get from your ex-hubby—the way he makes you feel desirable—benefits your CP, because he’s the one who will be getting a big, fat whiff of your pussy when you get home, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?


I’ve been with my girlfriend “J” for two years. Her best friend “M” is a gay man she’s known since high school. M and I have hung out many times. He seems cool, but lately, I’ve been wondering if he and J are fucking behind my back. For starters, J and I rarely have sex anymore. Even a kiss on the cheek happens less than once a week. Meanwhile, J’s Facebook feed has pictures of M grabbing her tits outside of a gay club in front of her sister. She told me he’s spent the night in her room, even though he lives only a few miles away. I’ve also recently found out that although M has a strong preference for men, he considers himself bisexual.

I understand that everyone loves tits, even if they’re not turned on by them, and gay men can sleep with a girl and actually just … sleep. I also know that her antidepressants can kill sex drive. All three things at once feel like more than just coincidence, though. At the very least, the PDAs seem disrespectful. At worst, I’m a blind fool who’s been replaced. Am I insecure, or is there something to these worries?

You Pick The Acronym I Gotta Get To Work

Your girlfriend’s best friend isn’t gay, YPTAIGGTW; he’s bisexual—so, yeah, it’s entirely possible M is fucking your girlfriend, since fucking girls is something bisexual guys do, and, according to one study, they’re better at it. (Australian women who had been with both bi and straight guys ranked their bi male partners as more attentive lovers, more emotionally available, and better dads, according to the results of a study published in 2016.)

While we can’t know for sure whether M is fucking J, YPTAIGGTW, we do know who she isn’t fucking: you. If the sex is rare, and a kiss—on the cheek—is a once-a-week occurrence, it’s time to pull the plug. Yes, antidepressants can be a libido-killer. They can also be a dodge. If your girlfriend doesn’t regard the lack of sex as a problem and isn’t working on a fix—if she’s prioritizing partying with her bisexual bestie over talking to her doc and adjusting her meds, if she hasn’t offered you some sort of accommodation/outlet/work-around for the lack of sex—trust your gut, and get out.


I’m a recently divorced woman with a high libido. Now that I’m single, I’ve come out as a kinkster. I quickly met someone who swept me off my feet—smart, funny, sexy, proudly pervy and experienced in the BDSM scene—and soon, he declared himself as my Dom, and I assumed the sub role. This was hot as hell at first. I loved taking his orders, knowing how much my subservience pleased him, and surprising myself with just how much pain and humiliation I could take.

However, his fantasies quickly took a darker turn. When I say I’m uncomfortable with the extremely transgressive territory he wants to explore, he says, “I’m your master, and you take my orders.” I think this is shitty form—the bottom should always set the limits. When we’re in play, he says that I chose him as my top precisely because I wanted to see how far I could go, and that it’s his job to push me out of my comfort zone. I think he’s twisting my words. Arguing over limits mid-scene makes us both frustrated and angry. I’m not in any physical danger, but his requests (if carried out) could ruin some of my existing relationships.

Did I blow it by not giving him a list of my hard limits in advance of becoming his sub? Or is he just a shitty, inconsiderate top trying to take advantage of a novice? After play, he checks in to see if I’m OK, which on the surface looks like great form—aftercare and all—but this also feels manipulative.

How can I pull things back to where I’m comfortable? Do I run from the scene—or just this guy?

Tired Of Overreaching From A Shitty Top

A top who reopens negotiations about limits and what’s on the BDSM menu during a scene—a time when the sub will feel tremendous pressure to, well, submit—is not a top you can trust. The same goes for a top who makes demands that, if obeyed, could ruin their sub’s relationships with family, friends, other partners, etc.

Run from this guy, TOOFAST, but not from the scene. There are better tops out there. Go find one.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world!

I’m a woman who’s very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: I’ve had threesomes and foursomes, and have tried every toy on the market; I’ve done anal sex, BDSM and many other things.

He is sexually experienced, but he’s not open-minded. One thing he won’t do is kiss me after I’ve swallowed his load. We’ve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that he’ll come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?

Can’t Unicorn Man Up?

If that’s the only thing he won’t do—if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc.—then he’s pretty adventurous. But if kissing after you’ve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing you’ve attempted with him, and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense …

Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay—I’ve gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them—and they’re obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives?

Blame what’s known as the “refractory period,” CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft, and he loses all interest in sex—hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because he’s having his period—his refractory period.


I’ve been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves—he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, he’s suddenly not into it. He says it’s “disturbing” that I like what he’s been doing.

Two questions: (1) Smacking my butt is OK so long as I don’t want it? (2) Enjoying what he’s doing makes me a freak?

Joking About Consensual Kinks

Two options: (1) He goes in for domineering head games and “playful” violence because he’s abusive and controlling. (2) He’s got kinks, but he hasn’t managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner—and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but you’re healthier about them than he is), he’s projecting his self-loathing onto you.

Either way, JACK, you’re going to need to DTMFA.


You recently said it’s OK to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people we’re fantasizing about more often than not.

Facebook stalking for spank-bank purposes is fine—we all do it—but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like it’s at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of people’s photos. But as long as you’re the only one using your phone, what’s the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?

Screenshot Porn As New Kontent

Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself, and your phone is password-protected.


I am a 29-year-old straight woman on the West Coast in a new relationship. My boyfriend and I have just begun exploring anal sex. Question: HOW DO I AVOID POOP LEAKAGE?!? The first time we had anal sex, my boyfriend came in my ass and then pulled out. Then we decided to go for a run. (We didn’t think it through, CLEARLY.) A few minutes in, I was leaking all over my pants. In short, GROSS.

Obviously it wasn’t a good idea to go for a run afterward (NOTED!), but what can I do in the future immediately after anal to avoid poopy come from leaking out of my butt?

Anal Newbie Avoiding Leakage

Yeah, don’t go for a run immediately after anal. Spend a few minutes on the toilet instead—bring your phone; post something to Instagram; let gravity do its thing.

And that wasn’t poop leaking out of you on that run, ANAL; it was santorum—“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”


No one aroused by BDSM could ever truly love someone, could they?

Violence Isn’t Love, Eh?

Of course not, VILE. Only the Duggar girls and Princess Diana’s boys are capable of truly loving someone. The rest of us are just playing.


My boyfriend complains that our sex life is too vanilla. I want him to be satisfied, but he won’t tell me what else he wants to do.

Recently, he suggested an open relationship. I don’t want to be in an open relationship, and I told him as much. But I’m fully open to being more kinky or whatever else he needs. I’ve tried mixing it up, but he just looks at me strangely and asks me to stop whatever I’m doing.

Can I do anything to fix this? Any insight would be appreciated.

I’m Not Good At Acronyms

He knows what he wants, and he can’t or won’t tell you. Either he can’t because he’s so sexually repressed that he’s incapable of pushing the words out of his mouth, or he won’t because his non-vanilla desires are so extreme as to be deal-breaker-level repulsive to anyone who doesn’t share them. But complaining about your sex life without elaborating or giving you any constructive feedback at all is disqualifying assholery, INGAA. You’ll also have to DTMFA.


I just read your reply to a woman who wrote to you regarding her partner’s lack of libido. Although I found the article somewhat interesting, I would have preferred that a woman who was an actual lesbian was rendering advice to other lesbians. As a man, you are not qualified to deal out sex advice to women—especially to lesbians.

Stating This Obvious Point

Take it away, Free Dictionary: “ad•vice: opinion about what could or should be done about a situation or problem.” The only qualification you need to give someone your opinion? Someone asked you for it. Full stop, STOP. So I’m going to continue giving advice to straight people despite not being straight, to lesbians despite not being a lesbian, to bisexuals despite not being bi, to trans people despite not being trans, and to monogamous people despite not being monogamous. Hell, I sometimes give advice to Republicans despite not being a heartless idiot.

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Published in Savage Love

Editor’s note: Before we get on with the column here, two things:

1. I’d like to welcome Dan Savage and his well-known and much-loved column, Savage Love, to the pages of CVIndependent.com. Welcome, Dan!

2. Readers: For those of you unfamiliar with Savage Love … consider this a warning.

This is a sex- and relationship-advice column. It’s a popular column, one that’s been in papers across the continent for more than 25 years now.

However … this column is not tame. It is NSFW—not safe for work—and, at times, it is rather graphic. So … if you are offended by sexually graphic content, do not read this. Really. Don’t. I’m not kidding. Also, Dan is quite the social liberal, so if you don’t like liberal politics, you may want to read something else instead.

But if you can handle graphic sexual content and liberal politics, then by all means, read on.

The column, and Dan, have done a whole lot of good over the last 2 1/2 decades—first and foremost the It Gets Better Project, something that has unquestionably saved the lives of many bullied, confused and hurting teens.

So … the choice on whether or not to read on is yours—and whether or not you do, I thank you for reading the Coachella Valley Independent. —Jimmy Boegle


I used to be a fan of your column, Dan, but something happened to you. Maybe it’s stress, the current political climate, or some other issue—I don’t know. I used to look forward to your columns because they were fun, smart, and helpful—but I don’t enjoy what I’m seeing now. If something did happen to you, reach out for help. You’re on the verge of losing a loyal reader.

Reader Enquiring About Dan’s Enervating Responses

I’ve been getting letters like yours—What happened to you, Dan? You used to be more fun?—at this time of year, every year, for the last 25 years, READER. Maybe I get moody when the weather gets gloomy, and that spills into my column annually. And perhaps the current political climate—a rather reserved way to describe the destruction of our democracy—is making my seasonal grumping worse. Another possible factor …

I don’t know how long you’ve been reading, READER, but I’ve been writing this column for a long time. And back before the Internet came along and ruined everything for everyone, I used to get a lot of how-to/what’s-that questions about sex acts and sex toys. A column explaining butt plugs to readers who knew nothing about them—and lacked easy access to butt-plug info—was as much fun to read as it was to write. But every sex act and every sex toy has its own Wiki page now, which means I don’t get to write fun columns about butt plugs anymore, READER, and you don’t get to read them. Now the questions all revolve around someone being deeply shitty or someone deluding themselves about how deeply shitty they’re being. Columns filled with questions about and from people behaving badly are never going to be as delightsome as those butt-plug columns of yore.

But thank you for writing in to share your concern, READER, and rest assured that nothing truly terrible has happened to me—besides Trump, of course, but Trump happened to all of us, not just me. Still, I don’t want to lose you as a reader, so I’m going to make an effort to sunny things up a bit over the next few weeks.

OK! Let’s see what else came in the mail today! Hopefully something fun!


My significant other and I rarely have sex. A while ago, I had a sexual encounter with her daughter. We continued to have sexual encounters for some time. Now my significant other and I may be getting married. Her daughter and I broke it off, but it started up again after a week. I am attempting to break things off with my significant other’s daughter again, but I’m having a hard time. Please advise.

Restraining Urges Is Necessary

Ugh. Do you see what I mean, READER? It’s hard to come through with jokes, erudition and uplifting words when you’re responding to questions like this one.

OK, RUIN. Marrying a woman whose adult daughter you can’t keep your dick out of … yeah, that’s a bad idea. (And her daughter is an adult, right?!? You’re not Roy Moore-ing it, are you?) Sooner or later, your significant other is going to discover what’s been going on, and your relationship with both of these women will be destroyed. You’ll be able to move out and move on, RUIN, but your former significant other isn’t going to be so lucky—because while you won’t always be her SO, and hopefully won’t ever be her husband, her daughter is always going to be her child. So while you may get out from this relationship with some light scarring, your ex and her daughter will be left with open, gaping wounds for the rest of their lives.

My advice: Pull up your pants; cancel the wedding; and get as far away from your SO and her daughter as possible.


I’m a middle-aged married dude. The sex life with my wife is good, but I also masturbate because, you know, I’m a person. Sometimes, I masturbate while surfing through pictures on Facebook of attractive women I know. These aren’t stolen nudes off of someone’s phone; they’re public pictures.

I’m progressive when it comes to politics and gender issues. Face-to-face, I’m respectful and would never do anything to make these women—or any other woman—feel uncomfortable. I don’t leer, and I’m not a creeper. I know what I’m doing is pervy, but is it pervy bad? Am I crossing a line?

Peering Is Creepy, Sometimes

This one’s a little better, READER. It’s a little squicky, sure, but it’s not boil-your-eyes-after-reading squicky.

OK, PICS. Masturbating to someone is fine; masturbating at someone is not. (To be clear: Masturbating to thoughts of someone without their knowledge is fine; masturbating at someone who does not wish to be masturbated at is not.) Our erotic imaginations are free to roam—and that includes roaming through Facebook. No one needs our permission to fantasize about us or anything else, and we can’t control when, where and how the pics we share on social media will be enjoyed. Provided you aren’t doing or saying anything to make your Facebook “friends” uncomfortable (no supposedly-friendly-but-transparently-thirsty comments; no tongue-hanging-out emojis), you’re doing something no one wants to think about, PICS, but you’re not crossing a line.


A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were engaging in mutual masturbation when she squirted all over my hand—a large amount—and she was completely mortified. It was the first time it happened for her, and it’s happened several times since. She is upset.

I’ve been with a couple of other women in the past who squirted, and I am absolutely fine with it. I love it, in fact! I did my absolute best to reassure her that I think it’s great and there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but she’s really embarrassed every time. The last time, she was close to tears with fears that she’d urinated.

My question: There’s so much great writing about female ejaculation around, but rather than bombard my GF—who is the most amazing, incredible person—with links to article upon article, how can I help her feel OK about this?

Sincere Questioner Understands It’s Really Terrific

This one’s pretty good, READER. It’s an old-school, pre-internet Savage Love question, sexy and playful—charming, even.

OK, SQUIRT. You can help her feel OK about this by continuing to use your words (“I love this; it’s so hot!”), by sharing those articles with her (she needs to hear from and about other women with her superpower, not just from her boyfriend), and by lapping that shit up. Swallow, SQUIRT.

And so what if it is piss? (And many argue it isn’t.) Piss isn’t sterile, as Mike Pesca took time out of his day to explain to me on the Savage Lovecast back when alleged human being Donald Trump’s alleged pee tape was all over the news. (Goddammit. Our current political climate snuck up on me. Sorry about that, READER.) There are a lot more bacteria and whatever else in saliva, and we dump spit into each other’s mouths like it’s maple fucking syrup. If you guys are swapping other fluids regularly, why not swap a little of this one, too?

And remember: It’s only been two weeks—it may take her some time to learn to love her new superpower. Maybe watch some X-Men movies (it’s a superpower, not a mutation!), and keep being upbeat and positive about the way your girlfriend’s body works. Good luck!

On this week’s Lovecast, comedian extraordinaire Cameron Esposito. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org

Published in Savage Love