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Fri12062019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

Hi, Dan: I am a homosexual young adult seeking advice about kitten play. I find it very intriguing, and I’m wondering where to start. It’s a turn-on when someone calls me kitten, but I’m not sure how to express my kink or desire for kink play to the person or persons I am into. Any advice would be appreciated.

Constructive Advice Thoughtfully Sought

Hi, CATS: I am a homosexual not-so-young adult without much advice to offer where kitten play is concerned. I’ve encountered plenty of gay puppies in the wild—at various leather/fetish events—but I’ve seen only one fetish kitty in my lifetime, and she was a queen. (A female cat is called a queen; a male cat is called a tom; and a group of cats is called a glare. #TheMoreYouKnow!)

But Amp Somers, who hosts the kink-friendly sex-ed show Watts the Safeword, assures me that gay kitties are definitely a thing.

“Kitten play is a subcategory of the ‘animal role-play’ or ‘pet play’ kink,” said Somers. “It is a form of domination and submission in which someone gets into the head space of an animal they are role-playing and takes on its characteristics—be it with gear (masks, tails, collars) or by acting out the mannerisms of their animal. Most importantly, and this goes for all proper pet players, there are no actual animals involved in this play.”

Puppy play is the most common form of pet play—by far—and it’s very popular among younger gay kinksters. (Please don’t confuse gay pups or kitties with gay bears or otters. The former is about role-play and fetish; the latter is about body type, affirmation and community.) But what accounts for the popularity of pet play among younger kinksters?

“This sort of play allows someone to get into kink easily with or without a partner, and in a playful manner,” said Somers. “Pet play allows players to get their feet wet in the BDSM world without having to visit a dark dungeon, get tied up or engage in anything a newer kinkster might find intimidating. It’s a great entry-level kink.”

As for expressing your kink, CATS, that’s something you’re going to have to work out on your own.

“I imagine CATS already has an image of what kitten play looks like to them, and I bet it differs from what I might imagine my own pet play would look like or even from what readers imagine a kitten player to look like,” said Somers. “Is CATS a domesticated lazy kitten who lies in the sun? A curious, well-trained, docile cat responsive to cuddles and treats? Or are they a rambunctious, bratty, independent stray?”

To find your way into the kink scene, Somers recommends getting online.

“That’s how I first found pet play,” he said. “Sites like kitten-play.com offer in-depth written pieces by players, links to resources, and forums where people like CATS can educate themselves. Other sites like FetLife or Facebook provide more private groups to ‘meet’ others, ask more in depth questions, find local get-togethers, and make friends to socialize with. Or if they prefer video content, YouTube has a number of creators (like ‘Scream Kiwi’) who talk about their kinks in a fun, educational and personal way. And once CATS feels comfortable in their own identity and has defined what they want out of this play, they will be able to really communicate to their partner(s) what they’re into and what they want out of kitten play.”

Check out Amp Somers’ show—Watts the Safeword—at youtube.com/WattsTheSafeword, and follow him on Twitter @Pup_Amp.


I’m a gay male, and one of my good friends has put me in a strange position. The friend has been married to his husband for 15 years, and they are allowed to “play.” I have no desire to be in an open relationship, and I don’t think my boyfriend does, either.

I occasionally go over to this friend’s house right after work to buy weed, and he’s always alone when I come by. He joked about answering the door naked and then did it. (He told me he was going to, but I honestly didn’t think he would do it.) I was extremely uncomfortable, and he knew it. The last time I went over, he was naked again—and this time, he jerked off to completion in front of me. He asked me to join in, and I told him I couldn’t, because I hadn’t discussed anything like this with my boyfriend.

I’m supposed to go over again tomorrow, and he asked me to come by early, because his husband would be getting home from work early that day. This leads me to believe that the husband would not be OK with this. I haven’t said anything to his husband or my boyfriend, because I don’t want this to become a huge mess, and I hoped my palpable discomfort would put an end to it.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this nicely to make it stop without hurting his feelings?

Undressed Naked Friend Really Is Engineering Needless Drama

Your “good friend” is an asshole, UNFRIEND. He’s violating a whole bunch of social norms—chiefly the don’t-jerk-off-to-completion-in-front-of-other-people-without-their-enthusiastic-consent norm (aka the Louis C.K. Career in Comedy Memorial Norm)—and relying on your adherence to other social norms (avoid being rude; defuse don’t confront; spare others’ feelings) to get away with violating you as well. This asshole is sexually harassing you, and you haven’t told him to stop in unambiguous language.

The only reason you’ve given him for not whipping it out yourself is that you haven’t “discussed anything like this with (your) boyfriend.” He has self-servingly interpreted your reason for not joining in like this: “He wants to, and maybe he will after he has a ‘discussion’ with his boyfriend.” I’m sorry, UNFRIEND, but you’re going to have to be blunt: “You have to knock this shit off. It’s disrespectful; it’s nonconsensual; and it’s pissing me off.” Don’t worry about hurting his feelings—he obviously doesn’t care about your feelings—and find a new weed dealer.


I have a follow-up question on your advice for JACKS, the gay manager who ran into an employee at a JO party. Alison “Ask a Manager” Green told him he couldn’t go to these parties anymore. A distinction was made between sexual-situation encounters between bosses and those they manage in “private clubs” (the JO club) or at “public events” (Folsom Street Fair). My question is about Grindr/Scruff/Growlr/etc. Are these more like “private clubs” or “public events”?

In part, my question stems from being a professor and having seen students and colleagues on these apps. I feel like I should not be reading the profiles of students in my department (who are mostly graduate students). I am also troubled by my colleagues appearing on these apps—from the perspective that this seems to be a sexually oriented space, and there is the power differential between faculty and students.

Basics Of Sexual Spaces

Dating apps are the new gay bars—more than 75 percent of same-sex couples met online—so telling gay bosses or college profs they can’t go on dating apps because their gay male students or underlings might be on them means condemning gay bosses and profs to celibacy. Bosses and profs shouldn’t flirt with their students and underlings, of course, and it might be a good idea to block ’em when you spot ’em—so you won’t be tempted by their profiles/torsos, and they won’t be tempted by yours—but gay bosses and profs are free to look for dick on dating apps.

On the Lovecast, where do kinks come from? Dr. Justin Lehmiller on the science of desire: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Don’t care to watch millionaire meatbags throw a Stewie-shaped sportball around between 500 pricey commercials during many over-analyzed hours on end this weekend? Or is that just The Only TV Column That Matters™?

If you’re looking for an alternative to Super Bowl 48 (it’s the 21st century—ditch the damned Roman numerals already), options are limited. Even HBO blinked, opting to pull the premium shows you pay extra to see instead of going up against America’s Favorite Timesuck, on Sunday, Feb. 2.

While you’re waiting for the much-hyped post-game new episodes of New Girl (with Prince!) and Brooklyn Nine-Nine (with Fred Armisen … really?) on Fox, here are 16 other TV choices for Super Bowl Sunday:

Shameless, House of Lies, Episodes (Showtime): Unlike HBO, Showtime isn’t afraid of The Bowl—fresh episodes (and Episodes) all around!

Downton Abbey, Sherlock (PBS): The Brits don’t care about what ’Mericans refer to as “football,” as PBS is steadfastly presenting a new episode of Downton Abbey, and the Season 3 finale of Sherlock. Or maybe they just assume that you downloaded them months ago.

Puppy Bowl X (Animal Planet): Since the Lingerie Bowl is dead (or has gone legit—same diff), the Puppy Bowl is TV’s most-infamous counter-programming to the Super Bowl. It’s still just a pile of mutts playing in a toy stadium for hours, which has spawned knockoffs like …

The Kitten Bowl (Hallmark): Obviously. What the hell took so long? If you weren’t so preoccupied with wasting airtime on Bigfoots and tree houses, Animal Planet, you wouldn’t have gotten pwned by, of all channels, Hallmark.

The Fish Bowl (Nat Geo Wild): Literally, four hours of a fish bowl. This is the kind of programming that layoff-ridden daily newspapers actually pay to send reporters to cover at the Television Critics Association’s bi-annual press tour. Just sayin’.

The Walking Dead Marathon (AMC): It’s not so much a straight-up marathon as a “Zombie Bowl” (hey, that’s what AMC is calling it) featuring cherry-picked episodes from Seasons 1 and 2 that specifically include “every Humans vs. Walkers moment.” That sounds like the same way I fast-forward through the dull parts of entire TWD seasons.

Crazy Hearts: Nashville Marathon (A&E): Eight hours of A&E’s unofficial answer to “Think we can’t come up with an even more idiotic, contrived ‘reality’ show than Duck Dynasty? With worse music? Game on!”

Top of the Lake Marathon (Sundance): In this acclaimed seven-part mystery miniseries from 2013, Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men) plays a troubled detective investigating the disappearance of a pregnant 12-year-old girl. Yes, another feel-good romp from the Sundance Channel!

Swamp People Marathon (History): In a word, swamptastic.

Wives With Knives Marathon (ID): In a word, stabtastic.

Snapped Marathon (Oxygen): Wait for it … snaptastic!

Twilight Marathon (FX): Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse—back-to-back-to-back! After six hours, you’ll have to answer honestly: Is it football you hate … or just yourself?

The Tudors Marathon (BBC America): The sweeping, sexy series tells the tale of King Henry VIII (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and the many, many, many women who try to come between him and his reign. And his pantaloons. Minus most of the original Showtime nudity, but still historical-ish.

Cops Marathon (Spike): Don’t most episodes of Cops feature a Super Bowl Sunday domestic violence call? Sooo meta.

Smart Guy Marathon (MTV2): Smart Guy was a 1997-1999 WB network sitcom about a kid (Tahj Mowry) who skipped from fourth grade to 10th grade. Related, MTV2 used to be an edgy, music-centric channel that’s managed to become even more embarrassing than MTV.

Sex Sent Me to the ER Marathon (TLC): Broken boners, two-hour orgasms, headboard traumas, tree-related incidents and more true stories re-en(over)acted. Genius. If this could somehow be combined with the Kitten Bowl, the NFL would be out of business.


DVD ROUNDUP FOR FEB. 4

About Time

After a father (Bill Nighy) informs his son (Domhnall Gleeson) that he can time travel, the son, of course, uses the power to trick a woman (Rachel McAdams) into falling in love with him. And, yeah, enslave the planet, because why not? (Universal)

Android Cop

A future cop (Michael Jai White) and his android partner attempt to stop a mysterious disease from spreading in The Zone, a rundown city that’s nothing like the rundown cities in Robocop, Judge Dredd, Robocop 2, Robocop 3, etc. (Asylum)

Escape Plan

An engineer (Sylvester Stallone) and a con (Arnold Schwarzenegger) must escape a secret, high-tech prison called “The Tomb” in time for Stallone to box Robert De Niro in Grudge Match, and for both of them to hobble through Expendables 3. (Summit/Lionsgate)

The Wedding Pact

BFFs Mitch (Chris Soldevilla) and Elizabeth (Haylie Duff) promise to marry each other if they’re both single 10 years after college. A decade later, he tracks her down and disappointedly learns that she is, in fact, not Hilary Duff. (Phase 4)

The White Queen

The BBC/Starz series that proved women lust for power as much as men; Belgium passes for England; and you can’t rip-off Game of Thrones or The Tudors without a budget. One historical accuracy: The Queen is very white. (AnchorBay)

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 4)

Baggage Claim, Banshee Chapter, A Case of You, Dallas Buyers Club, Dark Tourist, The Divorce, Family Matters: Season 4, Finding Normal, Free Birds, From Above, House of Versace, The Lady Vanishes, Nuit #1, Patterns of Attraction, Romeo and Juliet, Waterwalk, Wings.

Published in TV