CVIndependent

Tue11122019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

When I started dating my husband, he told me he had a low libido. I said I could deal with that. We waited several months before having sex, and then after we started, it was infrequent and impersonal. There was some slow improvement over the three years we dated. Then we got married, and suddenly he had no libido at all. He blamed health problems and assured me he was trying to address them. Despite being diagnosed and successfully treated for multiple physical and mental health issues over time, things only got worse.

After four years of marriage, the relationship has become strictly platonic. I can’t even start a conversation about intimacy without him getting irritated. After we married, he also decided he no longer wanted children, and I eventually convinced myself it was probably for the best, given his health. We built our dream home, adopted a pet and built an outwardly successful life together. I was, if not happy, at least complacent—until I ran into an ex-boyfriend at a party.

We split many years ago on good terms. We ended up talking about how important it is to him to have a biological child—something we talked about a lot when we were dating—and we got physically close, and that got me thinking about how much I missed sex with him. Ever since, I’ve been thinking about him. I think he was hinting that he wants me back, and right now, that sounds like the answer to all my problems. But if not, I don’t want to leave my hubby and lose the decent life we built together. Plus, my leaving would hurt my husband’s feelings, his health and his finances. I also worry that people would blame me, because it will look like I left because things were tough.

Can I follow up and clarify with my ex before I break it off with my husband, or is that too much like cheating? Is it selfish of me to even consider leaving at this point? I’m a 30-year-old woman, so I don’t have a lot of time left to decide about children.

Indecisively Married Dame On Nearing Exit

Here’s something I’ve never seen in my inbox: a letter from someone explaining how sex with their partner was infrequent, impersonal, uninspired, unimaginative, etc. at first but—holy moly—the sex got a fuck of a lot better after the wedding! Now, maybe that happens—maybe that happened for you, dear reader (if so, please write in)—but I can’t imagine it happens often. So, boys and girls and enbies, if the sex isn’t good at or very near the beginning, the passage of time and/or muttering of vows isn’t going to fix it. If sex is important to you—if you wouldn’t be content in a companionate marriage and/or don’t want to wind up in divorce court one day—hold out for someone with whom you click sexually.

OK, IMDONE, either your husband married you under false pretenses—putting out/in just enough to convince you to marry him and only pretending to want kids—or his good-faith efforts to resolve his health issues didn’t help (at least where sex is concerned), and he changed his mind about being a dad (perhaps because he doesn’t feel healthy enough to do the work of parenting). Either way, you’re free to go. Even if the sex was good, and your husband wanted 30 kids, you’d still be free to go.

Whether or not you stay, IMDONE, you should explore your options before making up your mind. So go ahead and call your ex, and ask him if he’d like to get coffee with you—in a public place and shortly before an appointment you can’t cancel. Your ex may have been hinting about wanting to get back together, or he may not want to get back together and was engaged in what he thought was a little harmless/nostalgic flirtation—harmless, because he knows you’re married and presumably unavailable. There’s only one way to find out what your ex wants or doesn’t want, and that’s by asking your ex. So ask.

While that convo could be regarded as pre-cheating or cheating-prep or even cheating-adjacent, it isn’t cheating. You married someone who unilaterally changed the terms and conditions of your marriage—no sex, no kids—and you have an absolute right to think through your options. And a husband who won’t even discuss intimacy with you can’t ask you to refrain from contemplating or even discussing intimacy with one of those options.

Whether you have that convo with your ex or not, IMDONE, you need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this marriage. You’re only 30, and you wanted and still want kids. Ex-boyfriend or no ex-boyfriend, you can leave your husband—and you can leave him without abandoning him. You can still be there for him emotionally; you can offer what help you can financially; and you can help him secure health insurance.

Finally, IMDONE, you frame your choice as the husband or the ex—one or the other—but there is another option. It’s the longest of long shots, I realize, but I’m going to toss it out there anyway: one or the other or both. Your husband would have to agree to an open relationship, and your ex-boyfriend––if, again, he’s interested at all—would have to agree to it, too.

Good luck.


You ran a letter about a gay man (“Sam”) who has been sucking off his straight friend. Sam said he’s never done this before and isn’t turned on by the idea of “servicing straight guys.” I am a gay man who enjoys sucking off straight guys, and I wanted to share my perspective.

I’m not trying to “convert” them. I simply find that straight guys have less emotional baggage than most gay guys. A guy’s dick is his proudest possession. They like to have them admired, especially the straight guys who don’t often get much feedback about their dicks from women. I’m very skilled, so it’s a thrill for me to give a guy a lot of pleasure. I like doing things that make other folks happy, and sucking dick is something that’s appreciated.

I’ve known one guy for about 20 years, and after many years apart, he is wanting to see me again. I don’t want a relationship; I don’t want to have to think about two people and have to adjust my plans. It’s hard enough to plan for just me. I prefer the friendship and the occasional dick-sucking. They can always trust me to be straightforward with them. I will never take advantage of them, even when they get drunk. I like pleasing them and having their trust. And for the big question everybody asks: “Do you get lonely?” No, I don’t. I have all kinds of friends and lots of interests and hobbies. And from time to time, I get to suck a guy’s dick.

Whatever Acronym Works

Like most gay guys, WAW, you’ve got some baggage there of your own. You don’t want a relationship—and, hey, that’s fine! Not everyone wants to pair or triple or quad off, and not everyone has to want that. But you’re seeking out straight guys not because they have less baggage on average than gay guys (they don’t), but because straight guys won’t be interested in you romantically, and consequently won’t demand a commitment from you or ask you to prioritize their needs and feelings the way a boyfriend would. So it’s not that you and all the straight guys you’re sucking off are baggage-free, WAW; it’s that your baggage fits so neatly inside theirs that you can momentarily forget you’ve got any at all.

On the Lovecast, is porn getting more and more violent?: savagelovecast.com.

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Without snooping, I came across texts between my wife, “Mary,” and a guy, “Jeremy,” of a very sexual nature. While I would be OK if she were doing this and I knew about it, this has been going on since before we met. (We’ve been together 10 years.) She says she has never met him in person (despite communicating with him for more than a decade!), and this was the only thing she was doing that she thought would have been out of bounds. Again, if I had known, it would have been fine. I’m not OK with her being with other guys, but I know harmless flirting can be a release. Still, I have issues with anxiety and depression, and this is definitely triggering me.

I do not want to snoop, and I want to trust her, but I am having a hard time with both. Prior to this, it never occurred to me that Mary would do anything that had a whiff of dishonesty about it. But her having kept this from me for as long as I have known her has made me question that. I don’t want to keep bringing this up to her, but I am struggling with it. What do you think I should do?

Upset In The Midwest

I think you should get over it, UITM.

Easier said than done, I realize, particularly with the twin burdens of anxiety and depression. But if you would have been fine with this had you known—if there was no reason for Mary to hide this LTR-of-sorts from you—the best way to prove that to her is by giving it your retroactive blessing.

You’re right, UITM: Mary shouldn’t have hidden this from you. But she assumed—incorrectly, as it turned out—you would have a problem with those texts. It was a reasonable assumption on her part, since swapping flirty texts with a stranger is regarded as “out of bounds” by most. While this makes Mary’s failure to disclose look a little worse, we live in a culture that defines absolutely everything as cheating—don’t get me started on the idiocy that is “micro-infidelities” and the idiots pushing that toxic concept—and as a consequence, people not only lack perspective (oh, to live in a world where everyone regarded harmless flirtation as no big deal!) but also the language to honestly discuss our need for a little harmless erotic affirmation from someone who isn’t obligated to find us attractive, i.e., not a spouse or partner.

Put yourself in Mary’s shoes for a moment. When should she have told you about Jeremy? What would you have done if, on the third or fourth date, she looked up from her menu and said, “I’ve been swapping flirty texts with this guy for, oh, the last several years. I have no interest in him in real life; we’ve actually never even met in person, but I enjoy his texts and would like to keep swapping texts with him. I hope that’s not a problem.” You would have dumped her on the spot, right? She didn’t want to stop; she didn’t know how to talk about it; she hesitated; and … a decade went by.

If there’s nothing else—if no other shoes drop—give this your retroactive blessing.


I have an unusual situation. I met a girl I am crazy about. She didn’t really have any interest in me except for the occasional drink; she just wanted to be friends. A few months later, I saw her at a bar. We drank a bit more than we could handle and slept together, and I thought we would start dating. A few weeks went by, and she always had an excuse as to why we couldn’t hang out. Then one night, she texted to say she wanted to see me, but I could tell she was tipsy. We went out for a few more drinks and then slept together again. A week later, the same thing happened.

When I contact her during the day, she never seems interested. But I run over like a starved dog when she calls at night. (Sadly, due to stress and overwork, I usually can’t get hard when I go over. That’s become a big issue.) She’s very attractive, and I’m surprised she has any interest in me at all, but it’s only when she’s drunk. Besides her looks, I’m attracted by her personality and intelligence. I don’t know what attracts her to me except maybe I’m her booty call, but recently, I have been terrible at it. The last time we hooked up, she told me she’s quitting drinking. Maybe she won’t contact me anymore.

My question: Is it worth pursuing this if I get my ED situation fixed? Or should I just move on, and if she does contact me one night, I just say, “Sorry, not interested”? It’s obvious she’s using me. But we actually have good conversations despite us both being drunk, and it kinda seems like a date of some sort. What do you think?

Summoned With A Text

She’s interested in you for only one thing (sex) and at only one time (when she’s drunk, horny and out of other options) … and she can summon you with a single drunken late-night text. It’s actually not an unusual situation, SWAT—millions of people have received similar summonses. So long as the summoned person doesn’t want anything more than sex from the person issuing the summons, Yahtzee: Everybody gets laid; nobody gets hurt. But if the person being summoned wants more—if the summonee has unrequited feelings for the summoner—the summoned person is going to get hurt. Because what the summoner is essentially saying is this: “I want sex; I don’t want you.” Even if the sex is good, the rejection that comes bundled in that summons stings, and the hurt grows over time.

So, yeah, stop answering that drunk girl’s summonses. Let her know you want more than sex, and if she’s not interested in something more, you’re not interested in her. As for those erectile issues, SWAT: Try having sex sober, earlier in the evening, and with someone who doesn’t regard your dick as a consolation prize. I bet they clear right up.


I am a transgender man, and my girlfriend is a transgender woman, and we have hit a plateau. Intimate time is rare; communication is minimal; and although I care for her deeply, I do not like her as a person and no longer want to get married. I have considered asking if we could open up the relationship, but I doubt that is the solution.

How does one end a long-term relationship?

Help Relationship Transition

Whatever you do, HRT, please—please—don’t ask to open up your relationship when what you really want is out. A lot of people who want out do this, and it’s why so many people believe all requests to open a relationship are a sign the relationship is doomed. People who want out but ask for open inevitably get out in the end. People who want open and ask for open and get it tend to stay. But since most couples in open relationships aren’t public about it (most are more comfortable being perceived as monogamous), people hear about the insincere requests that preceded a breakup and conclude all requests are insincere.

Anyway, HRT, how does one end a long-term relationship? One uses one’s words. If “I love you” are the three magic words, then “I’m leaving you” are the three tragic words. Seeing as intimacy is rare and communication is minimal, it shouldn’t come as a shock to your soon-to-be-ex fiancée.

On the Lovecast, come hang out with the lesbians of the Lez Hang Out podcast: savagelovecast.com.

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I am a 38-year-old gay man with a serious problem: My boyfriend of five years has developed a strange fascination. We’ve always watched porn together, but now he has been looking at straight porn and even lesbian porn (!!!) more and more often. More than once, he has expressed an interest in having a MMF threesome—and he’s a self-proclaimed gold-star gay! This week, I discovered he had hidden a Fleshlight from me. I could tell he had used it.

What is going on with him? On the other hand, we still have sex pretty frequently. He really gets off when I call his ass a “pussy,” which I’ll do to turn him on, but I find it pretty weird. He also tells me he gets off on the thought of the two of us fucking a woman together. This really seems bizarre!

Could my beautiful bottom boy be turning bi? If he is, I don’t know how we can handle it.

Guy Alarmed, Yeah, By Younger Boyfriend’s Interest

Turning bi? Unlikely.

Always was bi and only just realized it? Likelier.

Always was bi but identified as gay because (1) he prefers men as romantic partners, and (2) the biphobia he encountered in gay male spaces/bedrooms/buttholes convinced him to stay closeted, but he doesn’t want to live a lie anymore, and he’s done hiding from the man he loves, but instead of using his words and coming out to you like a grown-up, GAYBYBI, your boyfriend is letting you know he’s bi with his porn choices and a big push to make a MMF threesome sound like a sexy adventure you would both enjoy? Likeliest.

As for how to handle it, GAYBYBI, you’ll have to use your words: Ask your boyfriend if he’s bi. (Spoiler: He’s bi, bicurious, or so homoflexible he could tour with Cirque du Soleil.) If you’re not interested in having sex with women, tell him so. If being with you means he can never have sex with a woman, tell him so. And if you would never knowingly date a bi guy, tell him he deserves better.


A relationship question that doesn’t involve sex: Occasionally when two people live together, they bump into each other, or one may get in the way of the other. Is it reasonable to be put off if rather than simply hearing, “Excuse me,” when you are inadvertently in someone’s way, the person trying to gain access says, “Do you have to stand there?”

Just Seems Rude

People who are courteous to strangers (“Excuse me, can I squeeze past you?”) and contemptuous with intimate partners (“Do you have to stand there, you fucking dumbass?”) don’t value their partners and don’t deserve intimacy. People who are assholes to everyone don’t deserve intimacy either, of course, but they get points for being consistent.


I recently posted an online ad for a jack-off buddy. I got a response from a man who turned out to be a gorgeous, young Sri Lankan dude with a huge, beautiful uncut cock. Anyway, I was really looking forward to him jacking me off and vice versa. But when I arrived, he said he was only interested in me giving him a massage and then a handjob. Apparently, he’s a straight guy who wanted to experiment with men in a very limited way. Like I said, SUPER HOT, so I happily obliged. But after he came, I was really aching for release myself. But as I stated earlier, he made it clear he did not want to reciprocate.

After we were finished, he indicated that he might hit me up again. Do you think I should continue with the massage and “happy ending” in the hopes that he will someday feel comfortable enough to reciprocate? Or should I just go ahead and find myself another jack-off buddy?

Craving Uncut Masculine Sri Lankan

Another jack-off buddy? No, no. You mean an additional jack-off buddy.


I recently spent a wonderful weekend with a young woman from out of town who identifies as queer and poly. Being the curious guy I am, I had her explain what these things meant to her. She went on to say that she is considering changing from poly to nonmonogamous. I find this confusing. I’m certainly nonmonogamous, but I’ve never thought of myself as poly. What is the difference?

Confused Over Lines Inside Names

I would describe the difference as googleable, COLIN. But since you asked: A nonmonogamous person has sex with their partner and others; a poly person has or is open to having committed and concurrent romantic relationships. For one example: An ethically nonmonogamous woman fucks the boyfriend/husband she loves and other guys she doesn’t; a poly woman has two (or more) guys she both loves and fucks.


I have two complaints: one with the world, and one with you. My problem with the world is that it seems to think it is possible to embrace the rights of sex workers and still stigmatize the men who employ them. I am in a happy monogamish marriage, and I enjoy a very good, vanilla-but-bordering-on-tantric sex life with my wife. Early on, when we discussed how open our marriage should be, we decided it would be all right for me to see escorts several times a year. This gives me some sexual variety and keeps her from feeling threatened by my becoming emotionally involved with a third party. She is very mono and has no interest in going outside of the marriage for sex.

My quarrel with you has to do with your oft-repeated advice that people should break things off with partners who don’t perform oral sex. My wife doesn’t like to give head—and I really don’t like getting it from her, since she doesn’t like doing it. It is, however, one of the things on my list for my quarterly pro session. So I go down on her; she doesn’t go down on me, and I see escorts who do. And …

It Works For Us

In regards to your first complaint, IWFU, there are sex workers out there fighting for their rights and fighting the stigma against sex work—along with fighting prohibition, the Nordic Model, and SESTA (google it)—but you don’t see the men who employ them stepping up and joining the fight.

“(It’s time for) all of you clients out there (to) get off your duffs and fight,” as sex worker and sex-worker-rights advocate Maggie McNeill wrote on her blog. “Regular clients outnumber full-time whores by at least 60 to 1. Gentlemen, I suggest you rethink your current silence, unless you want to be the next one with your name and picture splashed across newspapers, TV screens, and websites.”

In regards to your second complaint, IWFU, it is true that I’ve said—on one or two occasions—that oral comes standard, and any model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot. I’ve also said that you can’t be in an LTR without paying the price of admission, and I’ve said that a lot more often. If not getting oral at home is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with your wife, and if allowing you to get oral elsewhere is the price of admission she’s willing to pay to be with you, then Godspeed, IWFU, and tip the sex workers you patronize—and speak up to fight the stigma against doing sex work and hiring sex workers.

On the Lovecast, “Ask a Fuck-Up!”: savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love Live at Denver’s Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd; singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs; comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it; and Tye—a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience—joined us onstage and gave some pretty great sex advice!

We couldn’t get to all the audience questions during the show, so I’m going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column …

You’ve famously said, “Oral comes standard.” How long before anal comes standard?

How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?


I enjoyed a great sex life with many kinky adventures until my husband died suddenly two years ago. I have insurance money and a house to sell and a dream of using the proceeds to become a sex-positive therapist. Crazy idea? Or something the world needs more of?

Judging by how many people tell me they’re having a hard time finding sex-positive, kink-positive, open-positive and poly-positive therapists, I would definitely file “sex-positive therapist” under “world needs more of.” Chase that dream!


How do you introduce your inexperienced-but-willing-to-try partner to BDSM?

By starting a two-person book club. Order Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities by Lee Harington and Mollena Williams; The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge edited by Tristan Taormino; and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. Read and discuss, and discuss some more—and when you’re ready to start playing, take it slow!


What resources are available—which do you recommend—to share with my male partner so he can improve (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)

Two more book recommendations: The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure by Violet Blue; and She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.


My boyfriend told me that women orgasm only 60 percent of the time compared to men. I said I want orgasm equity. How do I navigate his pansy-assed male ego to find a solution?

The orgasm gap—91 percent of men reported climaxing in their last opposite-sex sexual encounter, compared to 64 percent of women (so says the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior)—doesn’t exist for lesbians and bi women in same-sex relationships. So the problem isn’t women and their elusive orgasms; it’s men and their lazy-ass bullshit. A contributing factor is that women often have a hard time advocating for their own pleasure, because they’ve been socialized to defer to men. There’s evidence of that in your question: You want to navigate this problem—the problem being a selfish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to prioritize your pleasure, who has taken cover behind the orgasm gap—but you want to spare his ego in the process. Well, fuck his precious ego. Tell him what you want, and show him what it takes to get you off. If he refuses to do his part to close the orgasm gap in your apartment, show him the door.


How do you prioritize sex with your partner when life gets so busy, and masturbation is so much easier? My fiancé is down for quickies sometimes but not always.

Forgive my tautology, but you prioritize sex by prioritizing sex. Scheduled sex can be awesome sex—and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can always masturbate together.


How do I come out to my family as a stripper? I’ve been dancing for more than two years and don’t plan to stop. Some of my family members are biased against sex workers, but I’m tired of keeping up the façade. (I told them I’m a bartender.)

It’s a catch-22: People are afraid to come out to their closed-minded families as queer or poly or sex workers or atheists, but closed-minded families typically don’t open their minds until after their queer or poly or sex working or nonbelieving kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blowing their minds first. Tell them your truth, and stand your ground.


I keep having sex dreams about Kanye West. What does that mean?

You’re Mike Pence.


Am I doing society a disservice by dating an international drug dealer?

A sexually frustrated international drug dealer is arguably more dangerous than a sexually satisfied international drug dealer—so you may be doing society a service.


Can I want to be monogamous without any reasoning? My boyfriend would prefer to be in an open relationship, but I’m not interested for no reason in particular.

Speaking with a low-information voter is frustrating, because they can’t tell you why they voted for someone; speaking with a low-information fucker—someone who can’t tell you why they’re doing/screwing what they’re doing/screwing—is just as frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when the low-information/low-self-awareness fucker happens to be the person you’re fucking. It’s fine to want what you want—because of course it is—but you need to be able to share your reasons.


I dated a guy who said he was in an open relationship. We started working together on a podcast. I got irritated because after two months, he never did any preliminary research. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now he’s asking for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back?

Yep. As tempting as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the situation escalating. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag; set it on your porch or leave it with a neutral third party; and tell him when he can swing by and get it.


How clean should a bottom be? A little bit of shit is kinda expected, isn’t it? I mean, you are fucking an ass, right?

My expectations for sterling silver, crystal stemware and fuckable ass are the same: I want it sparkling.

Zooming out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food—it’s going to make a mess. Making sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that difficult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fiber-rich diet empties and cleans out the ass naturally. Yes, you are fucking an ass, and shit sometimes happens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bottom when it does happen, and the bottom doesn’t need to have a meltdown. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual activity—after a quick cleanup restores the sparkle.

On the Lovecast: A study of asphyxiation. Spoiler: Don’t do it. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a straight male in my 30s. I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. I have had several affairs—not one-night-stand scenarios, but longer-term connections. I didn’t pursue any of these relationships. Instead, women who knew I was in an “exclusive” relationship approached me. These have included what turned into a one-year affair with a single woman, a three-year affair with a close friend of my wife, a seven-month affair with a married co-worker, and now a fairly serious four-months-and-counting relationship with a woman who approached me on Instagram.

On the one hand, I do not regret my time with any of these women. On the other hand, I have been deceitful and manipulative for almost my entire adult life. I am a terrible husband in this respect. Also, I’m going to get busted eventually, right? Finding out about this would crush my wife. I love her; we get along great; and the sex is good—if I wasn’t such a lying piece of shit, you could even say we make a pretty good team. We are also very socially and financially entangled. I don’t want to leave, but I suspect I should. And if so, I need help considering an exit strategy.

Part of my motivation for writing is that I am particularly attached to the woman I’m having an affair with now, and both of us fantasize about being together openly. I’m a liar, a cheat, a user and a manipulator—and it just keeps happening.

By the way, I’m expecting you to rip me to shreds.

A Seriously Shitty Husband On Losing Everything

It doesn’t “just keep happening,” ASSHOLE; you keep doing it. And these women didn’t “turn into” one-year, three-year, seven-month, and four-months-and-counting affairs on their own. You turned them into affairs by continuing to show up. And while you claim that each of these women pursued you despite knowing you were in an exclusive relationship, it doesn’t sound like you ran from any of them. At best, you broke into (or slowed to) a trot, which allowed each one of these lady predators to overtake you.

The first step toward holding yourself accountable for your appalling actions—A close friend of your wife? Really?—is doing away with the passive voice. Don’t ask yourself, “How’d that happen?!?” as if the universe were conspiring against you somehow. You weren’t hit by a pussy meteor every time you left the house. You did these things. You had these affairs. You.

Zooming out: If all it takes for some rando to get her hands on your otherwise committed cock is to DM you on Instagram, you have no business making monogamous commitments. If you’d sought out a partner who wanted an open relationship—a wide-open one—you could have had concurrent, committed, nonexclusive relationships and avoided being “a liar, a cheat, a user,” etc.

Seeing as you’re a reader, ASSHOLE, I suspect you knew an honest open relationship was an option—that ethical nonmonogamy was an option—but you didn’t pursue that. And why not? Maybe because you don’t want to be with a woman who is free to sit on other dicks. Or maybe the wrongness and the self-loathing—the whole bad-boy-on-the-rack routine—turn you on. Or maybe you’re the wrong kind of sadist: the un-self-aware emotional sadist. You say you love your wife, but you also say she’d be crushed—destroyed—if she discovered what you’ve been doing.

Be honest, ASSHOLE, just this once: Is the destruction of your wife a bug, or is it a feature? I suspect the latter, because cheating on this scale isn’t about succumbing to temptation or reacting to neglect. It’s about the annihilation of your partner—a (hopefully) subconscious desire to punish and destroy someone, anyone, fool enough to love you.

The tragedy is how unnecessary your choices have been. There are women out there who aren’t interested in monogamy; there are female cuckolds out there (cuckqueans) who want cheating husbands; and there are masochistic women (and men) out there who get off on the thought of being with a person who would like to crush them. So long as those desires are consciously eroticized, fully compartmentalized and safely expressed, you could have done everything you wanted, ASSHOLE, without harming anyone.

So what do you do now?

It seems like you want out, and your wife definitely deserves better, so cop to one affair, since copping to all of them would crush her—or so you think. People are often way more resilient than we give them credit for, and convincing ourselves that our partners can’t handle the truth is often a convenient justification for lying to them. But on the off chance it would crush your wife to be told everything, just tell her about Ms. Instagram. That should be enough.

P.S. Get your ass into therapy, ASSHOLE.


I’m a 42-year-old gay man. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years. We met in college, and except for a six-month break, we’ve been together ever since. I made an open relationship a requirement at the start. While my husband had jealousy and trust issues, he hooked up with others regularly. After a few tense years, we started couples’ therapy. During therapy, my husband revealed that he was never in favor of the openness. After trying some new arrangements—only together, only at sex parties, DADT—he realized he wasn’t comfortable with any situation. He told our therapist that every time I hooked up with someone, he was retraumatized because it reminded him of the time I broke up with him for six months 20 years ago.

I agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I’ve gone a year without hooking up with anyone else. He seemed genuinely relieved and said he felt more secure. But almost immediately, he began talking about how he wanted to hook up with others.

I’m at a loss. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking about splitting up, so I keep hoping we’ll stumble on the thing that will work for us. I don’t know what to say when he says I should be monogamous to him while he gets to hook up with others. He says this would be best, since my hooking up triggers him. We are at an impasse. It sucks that we could break up over this.

Gay Marriage Having Crisis

I’ve written about a few gay couples—and a few straight ones—where one half gets to hook up with others while the other half doesn’t. But they were cuckold couples, GMHC, and the half who didn’t “get to” hook up with others didn’t want to hook up with others. The cuck half of a cuckold couple gets off on their partner “cheating” on them. While people outside the relationship might perceive that as unfair—one gets to cheat; the other doesn’t—what’s more ideal than both halves of a couple getting just what they want?

But if an eroticized power imbalance—an honestly erotized one—doesn’t turn you on, the creepily manipulative arrangement your husband is proposing certainly isn’t going to work.

Which means it’s both ultimatum and bluff-calling time. So long as your husband thinks he can dictate terms by pointing to his triggers and his trauma, GMHC, he has every incentive to continue being triggered and traumatized. So with your couples’ therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed. You’re not interested in being his cuckold, and he can’t point to his trauma to force you into that role. You’re a handsome couple—thanks for enclosing the lovely picture (sometimes it’s nice to see the face of the person I’m responding to!)—with a long history together, and here’s hoping things work out. But if they don’t, GMHC, neither of you is going to have a problem finding a new partner. He can get himself a guy who likes being dictated to, if that’s really what he wants. And you can find a guy who wants an open and egalitarian relationship, which is what you deserve.

P.S. If your therapist is taking your husband’s side in this, GMHC, get a new therapist.

On the Lovecast, piss play! With the hosts of American Sex Podcast: savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

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