CVIndependent

Tue08112020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

I’m a gay guy who’s involved with a guy I met a few months before COVID-19 took off. He’s a great guy—smart, funny, hot, healthy and easy to be around. It started as a hookup, but we have chemistry on several levels, and without either of us having to say it, we started seeing each other regularly. We both live alone and decided to be exclusive due to the pandemic. I honestly don’t know what we’re doing here. It’s some combination of friends, fuck buddies and married couple all at the same time.

I wanted to just keep a good thing going, but he just threw me a curveball that I need help figuring out how to handle. Out of the blue, he told me he’d held back telling me about his foot fetish. He says he’s had very bad experiences with guys who weren’t into it. He’s been keeping it to himself and looking at stuff online. I’m pretty vanilla and not into it, but I know kinks are a thing for a lot of guys, and I’m willing to help out a good guy. I’m a longtime reader of yours, Dan, and being GGG is important to me. So I asked him to tell me what that means and what he wants to do. He wants to massage, wash and kiss my feet and suck my toes. OK, that’s not hot to me, but it’s probably doable once in a while. He thankfully doesn’t need me to do anything with his feet.

But there was more. I can’t believe I’m writing this: He asked if I would let him paint my toenails sometimes! WTF? He could barely say it and looked kind of sick after he did. We’re both conventional cis men. Neither of us are into fem stuff. He claimed it’s not about making me femme. He says it’s just a hot thing for him.

I know there’s no explanation for why people have kinks, but do you have any ideas what this is about? I didn’t respond at all, and we haven’t talked about it since. I’m not proud of that. I’m freaked out by this and not sure what to make of it. I don’t want to ask him directly if this is the price of admission, because that seems too big of a price to pay, and I really don’t want it to be his price.

Freaked Out Over Terrific Person’s Erotic Revelation Vibe

From your panicked response, FOOTPERV, you’d think this poor guy wanted to cut your toes off and masturbate while you bled out.

Dude. He just wants to paint your toenails—and as prices go, that’s a very small price to pay for smart, funny and hot.

Yeah, yeah: You’re both conventionally cis and presumably conventionally masculine. Since we’ll never know what caused him to have this particular kink—kinks really are mysteries—let’s just run with that: He thinks this is hot—or his dick thinks this is hot—because guys like you aren’t supposed to have painted toenails, and guys like him aren’t supposed to paint toenails, FOOTPERV, and this small transgression against gender norms makes his dick hard, because it does. While it’s not always the case with all kinks, in this instance, the most obvious explanation is the likeliest explanation. Moving on …

You say he’s a great guy; you say you enjoy being with him; and you say you’re a longtime reader. So you had to know that I was gonna say this: Buy some fucking nail polish already, and leave it on the nightstand where he can see it, and let him paint your fucking toenails.

And if you really hate it, FOOTPERV—if it freaks you out to have polished toenails—or if your masculinity is really so fragile that it shatters under the weight of toenail polish, then you don’t have to do it again. But I also gotta say … as off-the-wall sexual requests go, this is a small ask. If you were claustrophobic and your boyfriend wanted to mummify you, FOOTPERV, or if he wanted to use you as a urinal and you weren’t into piss, I would totally give you a pass. Some sexual requests are big asks, and the third “G” in GGG (“good, giving and game”) has always been qualified: “game for anything—within reason.” Some sexual requests are huge asks; some prices of admission are too steep; and some desires can only be accommodated by people who share them. But this request—what your COVID-19 spouse wants to do to you—is a small ask and a small price, FOOTPERV, in no way comparable to being turned into a mummy or used as a urinal.

If I sound a little impatient, FOOTPERV, I apologize. We live in a deeply sex- and kink-negative culture, and our first reaction when a partner discloses a kink is often a knee-jerk negative reaction to the idea of kinks at all. In the moment, we can fail to distinguish between the big ask/steep price and the small ask/small price. And I hope you can see the compliment this great, smart, funny, hot guy was paying you when he asked. He felt safe enough to share something with you that other guys have judged and shamed him for. Take the compliment; buy the nail polish; pay the price.


I am a 37-year-old female who, almost three years ago, got out of a six-year toxic, violent relationship with a man I believe I loved. After I left him for good, my life started to improve in so many ways. However, it seems that my once very healthy sexual desires have died. Ever since we broke up, I haven’t felt any sexual needs or attraction toward anybody. I honestly think there’s something wrong with me. I can’t even picture myself having intimacy again.

A year ago, I went out on a couple of dates with a man younger than me. He was cute and very interested in me, but I just didn’t feel the connection. I really don’t know what to make of this situation. Any advice is profoundly appreciated.

Just Another Gal

Could it be a coincidence? Besides ridding yourself of a toxic and abusive ex—and that’s harder than people who haven’t been in an abusive relationship often realize, and I’m so glad you got away from him—did something else happen three years ago that could’ve tanked your libido, JAG? Did you go on meds at the time for depression or anxiety? Could an undiagnosed medical condition that came on at roughly the same time create a libido-tanking hormonal imbalance? Did you go on a new form of birth control in anticipation of the sex you’d soon be having with other, better, nicer, hotter, kinder men?

If nothing else is going on—if you aren’t on meds for depression or anxiety; if you’ve had your hormone levels checked and they’re normal; if a new form of birth control isn’t cratering your libido—then the most obvious and likeliest answer is probably the correct one: Three years after getting out of an abusive relationship, JAG, you’re still reeling from the trauma. And the best advice is also the obvious advice: Find a sex-positive therapist or counselor who can help you work through your trauma, and reclaim your sexuality. Even if you were to get your hormone levels checked, adjust your psych meds or switch to a new birth-control method, I would still recommend seeing a counselor or therapist.

And even if the thought of being intimate with others causes you stress and makes you anxious, JAG, you can still explore solo sex. You don’t have to wait for the right hot young man to come along in order to reconnect with your sexuality. You can read or write some erotica; you can splurge on an expensive sex toy (have you seen the new clit-sucking vibrators?); you can watch or create porn. Really enjoying yourself may be the first step toward enjoying others again.

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I’m a 20-something more-or-less lesbian in an East Coast city. I’m primarily into women, and I’m only interested in relationships with women, but I’m sometimes attracted to men and have enjoyed sex with men in the past. For various reasons, I decided a few years ago not to pursue physical stuff with men anymore, and I publicly identify as a lesbian. This worked great pre-pandemic, but now, with a tiny social bubble and no dating prospects, I find myself feeling very attracted to a male friend/co-worker. He’s 30-something, single, straight, and we’ve hung out a few times since COVID (only outside, and while socially distanced). As far as work goes, neither of us has a management role; we’re in different departments; and we rarely interact professionally. So, hypothetically, the co-worker part wouldn’t be an ethical issue if we were to get involved.

I have a feeling he’d be down for a casual pandemic thing … although it’s possible I could be projecting. But I have no idea how to broach this subject. He’s a respectful person, and we work for a very progressive organization, so he’s not going to flirt with me since I identify as gay. I don’t know how to bring up in casual conversation that I sometimes like sleeping with men, Dan, and my usual approach to flirting involves a lot of casual physical contact, which obviously isn’t possible right now.

What should I do? Should I just let this go? Even though we don’t work closely together, there’s obviously the potential for professional issues if feelings got hurt, and celibacy is obviously a responsible option during this pandemic. But COVID-19 lockdowns and restrictions are going to continue, and he and I seem well-enough suited to keep each other company. I was single and celibate for a while before the pandemic and am feeling desperate to touch another human being.

If it’s not a terrible idea, how do I flirt with him without endangering public health, messing up our friendship, or making our work situation incredibly awkward in the event that he’s not into me?

Craving Organic Viable Earthly Touching

There’s no way to ensure that a sexual and/or romantic relationship with a co-worker (or anyone else) won’t end badly—and a little awkwardness would be the least of your worries if this proposed arrangement ended badly. But if your relationships and breakups are generally drama-free, COVET, and if you’ve been friends with this guy long enough to know that his relationships and breakups have been mostly drama-free, I think you should tell him how you’ve been feeling. Ask him if he’s interested in finding a COVID-19 sex buddy, as the Dutch call them, and if he is, tell him you would like to apply for the position.

While most couples meet online these days, COVET, roughly 10 percent of opposite-sex couples—which is what you two would be—still meet through work. And while you’re not interested in anything romantic or long-term, couples that meet through work remain the most likely to marry. Which means work relationships don’t always end in tears and/or pink slips and/or lawsuits. (Although they do sometimes end in divorce.) People who find themselves attracted to co-workers need to be thoughtful about power dynamics, of course, and cognizant of company policies where workplace romance is concerned. It sounds like you are being thoughtful, and it doesn’t sound like either of you have power over each other and are unlikely to ever be in positions of power over each other.

Also: Life is short, and this pandemic is going to be long.

So the next time you get together for some socially distanced socializing, COVER, open your mouth, and tell this guy what you’ve been thinking. If he’s as liberal and progressive as you make him out to be, he’s no doubt aware that human sexuality is complicated, and that while many of us can find a perfect fit among the most commonly understood set of labels, many of us pick a label that doesn’t fit perfectly, but use it because it comes closest to capturing some combo of our sexual and/or romantic interest and desires. Don’t think of this ask—don’t think of this disclosure—as walking anything back, COVET, but of expanding and complicating what he already knows about you. You remain homoromantic—you’re only interested in other women romantically—but you are sexually attracted to both men and women. In other words, COVET, your heart is lesbian, but your pussy is bi.

If he’s up for being your COVID-19 sex buddy, swear to each other that you’ll handle the inevitable end with grace and compassion. While awkwardness can’t be avoided, COVET, stupid and unnecessary drama certainly can. And it’s been my experience that promising in advance to act like grown-ups increases the chances of everyone acting like grown-ups. Similarly, simply saying, “Well, this might get awkward,” in advance of awkwardness, or, “This is awkward,” if things should get awkward, reduces the strength and duration of awkwardness by at least half.

Finally, a note to all the guys out there who think COVET’s question gives them license to hit on women who identify as lesbians: No, it doesn’t. Don’t do that. If there’s a lesbian-identified-but-not-averse-to-all-dick dyke in your life … if you work or school with a homoromantic-but-bisexual woman who identifies as a lesbian … and if that woman is even remotely interested in fucking you, she will let you know. And even if your hunch is correct—even if your dickful thinking is spot-on, and that one lesbian you know does wanna fuck you—being disrespectful enough to make the first move instantly disqualifies both you and your dick.


This is a letter from a gay guy. If one of my regular kinky playmate friends were to gag and hood me and then fuck me while wearing a condom, would that reasonably be expected to prevent COVID-19 transmission?

Hoping Or Otherwise Determined

You’re less likely to contract COVID-19 if you’re hooded and gagged, and it’ll be even safer if your kinky playmate wears a mask, too. But you should be hooded and gagged before your kinky playmate arrives, HOOD, because if he gets close enough to hood and gag you himself, he’ll be exhaling all over you and inhaling whatever you’re exhaling. And that—inhaling what other people are exhaling—is the risk we all need to avoid right now.

While COVID-19 has been found in semen, the jury is still out on whether semen presents a significant risk of infection. (Unless a dude shoots so hard his semen is aerosolized, and his sex partners are in danger of inhaling his spunk into their lungs.) That said, COVID-19 isn’t the only thing we need to worry about, HOOD, so he should wear a condom to protect you from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. The biggest risk, according to health departments from sea (NYC Health) to shining sea (British Columbia Centre for Disease Control), is kissing—we’re being urged to forgo “kissing and saliva exchange” with randos for the moment—so kinky fuckers who get off on wearing masks, gags and hoods have a built-in, hard-wired advantage. But no kissing before the hood goes on.


Please settle a debate with my “friend.” I’m correct in that your staff comes up with the clever names of those who submit letters to your Savage Love column, right? My “friend” holds the delusional belief that the clever names are created by the letter-writers themselves. Please settle this with a confirmation that I am correct.

Friendship Risked In Entirely Needless Dispute

A million or so years ago, I began shortening sign-offs created by the letter writers—I began making acronyms out of them—to cut my word count and save space. Readers noticed what I was doing and began creating sign-offs that, when acronymized, became words that playfully referenced their questions. It quickly became something “Savage Love” readers looked forward to—something they looked forward to as much or more than my dick jokes—and it wasn’t long before readers were letting me know they were disappointed when sign-offs didn’t result in clever acronyms. So nowadays, when readers don’t go to the trouble of creating clever sign-offs for themselves, I do it for them. I would say I come up with roughly half the sign-offs that appear in the column, FRIEND, which means you and your friend are both right.

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Is it terrible to believe you can still have a truly monogamous and loving relationship with one partner after 20 years? Or can we walk into a relationship knowing that within those decades of being together that situations like infidelity or being attracted to another is completely unavoidable? And if we acknowledge that in some cases it’s truly unavoidable, should we mentally prepare ourselves for this possibility during our “monogamous” stage—early on in dating?

Hopelessly Optimistic Person Enquires

Be prepared.

Knowing what we do about infidelity and how common it is over the course of long-term relationships, HOPE, it’s a good idea to have a conversation early in a relationship about what you will do if and/or when one and/or the other and/or both of you should cheat years or decades later. It’s best for this convo to happen at the tail end of the infatuation stage, but before you’ve made any sort of formal commitment—you know, after you’ve had your first fight but you’re still at that stage when the thought of ever wanting to fuck someone else seems ridiculous. Committing at that point to at least trying to work through an infidelity doesn’t guarantee the relationship will survive, and it doesn’t obligate you to remain in the relationship. But it ups the chances the relationship will survive an infidelity that it could and perhaps should survive.

Because, remember … when it comes to cheating … some types are worse than others. There are differences in degree. If you found out your husband fucked your sister on your wedding night, well, that’s probably not something you’ll be able to forgive. But an instantly regretted one-off on a business trip (remember those?) or prolonged affair after 20 years and two kids and both partners long ago started taking their sexual connection for granted, and both allowed it to wither? That’s something you can work past and are likelier to work past if you agreed to at least try to work past it before the kids and the taking-for-granted and the business trips.

Zooming out for a moment … the culture encourages us to see cheating as a relationship-extinction-level event—an unforgivable betrayal, something no relationship can survive, which seems nuts when you pause to consider just how common cheating is. Defining cheating as always unforgivable sets up for failure otherwise good and loving relationships that might be able to survive an infidelity.

If instead of telling us that no relationship could ever survive an infidelity, the culture told us that cheating in monogamous or non-monogamous is serious betrayal—it’s not at all trivial—but it’s something a relationship can survive, HOPE, then more relationships that should survive infidelities would … I hope you’re sitting down … actually wind up surviving infidelities. The truth is, many relationships don’t just survive infidelities, but actually wind up thriving in the wake of the disclosure or exposure of an affair, because the healing process brings the couple closer together. (This is not a good reason to have an affair, of course, nor is it the reason why anyone has ever had an affair.) Reinforcing the idea that affairs always destroy relationships: Couples who remain together after an affair usually don’t talk openly about the cheating, while couples who separate or divorce after an affair can hardly bring themselves to talk about anything else.

Now to quickly answer your first questions …

Yes, it is possible for two people to remain monogamous for 20 years. It can be done—of course it can—but there are lots of people out there who think they’ve done it but are mistaken. Some people think they’ve been in successfully monogamous relationships for 20 years have been cheated on—or they themselves have done something their partners might regard as cheating—and the one-off infidelity or the ongoing affair or the happy endings were never exposed or disclosed.

Also, your partner is going to find other people attractive—and not in 20 years. Today, right now, your partner is going to lay eyes on someone else they find attractive, HOPE, just as you will probably lay eyes—but only eyes—on someone else you find attractive. Making a monogamous commitment doesn’t mean you don’t wanna fuck other people; it means you will refrain from fucking other people. If the lie we’re told about love and attraction were true—if being in love with someone left you incapable of finding someone else attractive—we wouldn’t need to make monogamous commitments. We wouldn’t need to promise to not fuck anyone or extract that promise from someone else if being in love rendered us incapable of even noticing how hot your barista is.


What is the etiquette for breaking up with an escort you’ve been seeing regularly? A little background: I’m married and have been seeing an escort for the past three years about twice a month. The sex is amazing. We’ve developed a friendship and get along very well. The issue is that I’ve gotten emotionally attached. I constantly think of her, and she’s always on my mind. It’s negatively affected my marriage, and I need to break it off. I don’t want to hurt her, as I have genuine affection, but I need to stop seeing her.

Do I send a note with an explanation? Or do I ghost and stop sending her text messages? I’m the one who initiates contact. She never reaches out to me first. Thanks for your advice.

It’s Me Not You

Don’t thank me, IMNY; thank all the nice sex workers and sex-workers’ rights advocates who were kind enough to share their thoughts after I tweeted out your question and asked #SexWorkTwitter to weigh in. The general consensus was for you to send a brief note letting this woman know you won’t be booking her again. A short selection from the responses …

Kalee D. (@GoddessKaleeLA): “I’ve had this happen a few times before, and the couple that wrote me a note with honesty were so deeply appreciated. The others, I always wondered what I did wrong or if they died in some freak accident.”

Maya Midnight (@MsMayaMidnight): “I’d be worried if a longtime regular disappeared during a pandemic! Send a quick text or email saying you’re taking a break, but you’ve enjoyed your time together. No need for more detail about why. A parting gift would be a nice gesture.”

SoftSandalwood (@SoftSandalwood): “Pro Domme here. Definitely let her know what’s going on, so she doesn’t wonder if you’re OK, if she did something wrong, etc. It’s the job of a pro to understand and respect boundaries. Thanks for a thoughtful question.”

Daddy Lance (@LanceNavarro): “Agreed 100 percent. The majority of us are deeply empathetic and prefer closure over mystery.”

A final thought from me: Sex workers value trustworthy regular clients, and FOSTA/SESTA and the coronavirus pandemic have made it incredibly difficult for sex workers to find new regular clients. Sending this woman a generous final tip—perhaps the price of a session, if you can swing it—would soften the blow of losing you as a regular client and would tide her over until she can replace you.


That was great advice you gave to “Virgin” in last week’s column. I was a 39-year-old virgin and started seeing sex workers. I found one who had the kind of qualities mentioned by the sex worker you quoted in your column. She was a kind, caring and compassionate person that I saw regularly for a year. Being with her gave me confidence in my sexual abilities and allowed me to experience physical affection. A little while later, I met my future wife. I was even able to tell her about my experiences with sex workers, and she wasn’t offended and didn’t shame me. She was actually intrigued.

I hope VIRGIN takes your advice. If he finds the right sex worker, like I did, it will change his life.

One Grateful Client

Thanks for sharing, OGC!

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My wife asked me to write to you about our situation. We’ve been married for 15 years. I am 50 years old, and my wife is a decade younger. We are a heterosexual couple with kids. I am a submissive male, and I like to play with my ass using different-sized dildos. I enormously enjoy being penetrated with sex toys.

A few years ago, I introduced the idea of an FLR—female-led relationship—to my wife, and she accepted it. We are a happy couple! My wife is more on the traditional side of sex, and I respect that. We have PIV sex twice a week, and I try to give her pleasure as much as I can. Looks like everything is OK, right? But recently she complained that I have stopped ejaculating when we have sex. And it’s true: When we engage in vaginal penetration, I no longer ejaculate. I like it this way, because I don’t lose my sex drive, and I can continue. But she doesn’t like it. For her, my ejaculate is the “cherry on top” of the sex, and my coming during sex is important for her pleasure and satisfaction. My wife thinks that I stopped ejaculating because I developed the habit of pleasuring myself with dildos and butt plugs in the shower. My wife thinks the toys are distracting me. Do you think it’s true? If that’s the case, what should we do? I love my wife, but I also love my butt plugs and dildos.

Spouse Unpleased By Husband’s Un Blasts

You should come in your wife.

If your wife is in charge—you proposed a “female-led relationship,” and she accepted—then she gets to give the orders, and you’re supposed to do what she says. (Within reason, of course.) So when she says, “Come in me,” you should say, “How high up your vaginal canal would you like me to come?” Even if you weren’t in a female-led relationship, SUBHUB, refusing to come in your wife when you know it is important to her pleasure is a weirdly literal kind of withholding behavior—and considering how GGG your wife has been, SUBHUB, refusing to come in her so you can “continue,” presumably without her, isn’t something a loving submissive would do. It’s something a selfish asshole does.

Your wife doubtless suspects the same thing I do: You aren’t coming in her because you’d rather blow your load in the shower. She sees you when you slip out of bed to go cram sex toys in your ass and blow your load down the drain instead of finishing in her. And if that’s what you’re doing—and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re doing—then you’re treating PIV sex with your wife as foreplay, and the time you spend alone with your ass toys as the main event. If I were your wife, SUBHUB, I would find that annoying, too. And however much you love your plugs and dildos, I would hope you love your wife more. At any rate, you aren’t submissive to your plugs and dildos—you’re submissive to your wife, who isn’t made of silicone and who has needs and feelings that have to be taken into account.

At the very least, SUBHUB, your wife’s pleasure should be your first priority during PIV sex—and it’s not like you can’t combine PIV with a little butt play. You can always shove one of your beloved plugs in your ass before you have PIV sex with the wife. And if you didn’t refrain from ejaculating every single time you had PIV, SUBHUB, if it was something you were allowed to once in a while with your wife’s permission, she might be willing to accommodate your desire every 10th time you have PIV.


I am a 53-year-old guy. Since I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety all my life, I’ve never been in a situation where sex was a possibility. I’m really dying to know what it’s like. I’ve gotten much better over the years, and the women who know me think the world of me. But they aren’t in a position to help me out. Other women seem to want someone much more outgoing and confident than I am or ever will be. Confidence comes from experience, and I don’t have any. My one girlfriend could not hide the fact that my inexperience offended her. Other people on blogs and such have recommended a prostitute. But that’s not really what I’m looking for. It’s about more than sex. I want someone to care for me as I am. Is there hope for me? Or has the world just left me behind?

Very Inexperienced Relationship Guy In Need

I know it’s not what you want to hear, VIRGIN, but I agree with other blogs and such: I think you should find a sex worker. Find a nice, patient woman who does sex work, and be completely upfront about why you’re seeing her: You’re so painfully self-conscious about your sexual inexperience that you find it hard to date. It may take some searching, VIRGIN, but there are sex workers who want to help their clients grow and heal.

“Many people have the stereotypical misconception that all sex workers are disconnected, uncaring and only there for the money,” said Ruby Ryder, a sex worker and sex educator. “While money is indeed a part of it, many of us understand that human beings need touch, connection and acceptance. We provide an opportunity for clients to be vulnerable, whether it’s fulfilling their kinky fantasies or simply having sex.” And while the relationship you have with a sex worker you might see regularly for a year or two is certainly transactional, VIRGIN, it’s still a relationship and about more than sex.

I’m not suggesting you see sex workers exclusively for the rest of your life (even if I’m not not suggesting that either), VIRGIN; I’m only suggesting you see a sex worker to find out what sex is like, gain a little self-confidence, and maybe feel a little more hopeful for your future.

Ruby Ryder is on Twitter @Ruby_Ryder and online at www.peggingparadise.com.


I’m a longtime reader who’s never had a question that your archives couldn’t answer. But there is something I wanted to share with you and your readers! My wife and I have incorporated virtual reality (VR) goggles into our sex life with great success, Dan, and they could be the answer to a range of questions that you get at the column. They’re so useful, in fact, that your failure to mention them is starting to look like a glaring omission!

Let’s say someone writes in who wants to open their relationship or explore a cuckold fantasy (like one of last week’s letter-writers!), but they’re worried about the emotions involved, potential STIs or COVID-19. VR goggles! While the offerings for female POV VR porn is pretty paltry, I’ve never seen my wife come harder than she did with me inside her and a pair of goggles on her face giving her the perspective of a man getting fucked by a beautiful trans woman. I love the idea that this turns her on, and I actually think she looks hot with goggles on! Besides the cost of a subscription to a VR porn site, the financial barrier is really pretty low—most people can use their smartphone and a $20 headset to get started, which is much cheaper than seeing a sex worker and much less time-consuming than engineering a consenting affair. And there’s no risk of STIs or COVID-19!

Just wanted you to consider VR as a possibly overlooked tool for your otherwise always-outstanding advice in the future!

Very Recent Purchase Optimizes Reality Nicely

Thank you for writing in, VRPORN, and you’re right: VR porn sounds like a great way for an adventurous monogamous couple to have a little virtual variety—whether that couple is monogamous by choice or monogamous for the duration of this stupid pandemic. In addition to the technology, of course, you’ll need a partner who not only knows you fantasize about other people (like they do, like everybody does), but who’s also excited about helping you explore those fantasies. Thanks again for sharing, VRPORN!

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I’m a lesbian in a long-term relationship. After much conversation with my partner, we’ve decided to explore cuckolding role play together. I’m not comfortable bringing another person into the relationship—especially right now—but I am willing to explore this as a fantasy. The thing is, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do it. There’s not a lot of info out there on how to engage in cuck role play, especially between two women.

Could you point me in the right direction here so we can have some fun while remaining monogamous?

Couldn’t Undergo Cuckolding Kink’s Glories In Real Life

“You can definitely introduce cuckolding themes and even a cuck identity into your relationship while remaining monogamous,” said Thomas, a married gay man and former cuck blogger whose husband has cucked him many times IRL. “In fact, many cuckold relationships are monogamous, and cucking remains in the fantasy realm.”

Thomas even sees his relationship as monogamous—at least on his side. “The definition of monogamy varies greatly for each couple,” said Thomas, “and I do consider myself monogamous, because I’m the cuck, and so I don’t technically have sex with other guys. My husband does. I just get to watch sometimes.”

Let me quickly define terms for readers who somehow missed the 300 other columns I’ve written about cuckolding over the years: A cuckold relationship is a one-sided open relationship where one partner is free to have sex with other people, while the other partner remains faithful. What distinguishes a cuckold relationship from your standard open relationship in which one person doesn’t care to sleep around is the element of humiliation. In most cuckold relationships, GUCKGIRL, the cuck—the person who remains faithful—enjoys being teased or mocked by their “unfaithful” partner; sometimes the “unfaithful” partner’s lover or lovers, usually referred to as “bulls,” participate(s) in the erotic humiliation of the cuck partner.

Thomas created a popular Tumblr blog about gay male cuckold relationships back when there was very little information about gay cuckolds online, CUCKGIRL—much less gay cuckold porn or other resources. In fact, there was once such little info online or anywhere else about gay cuckolds that many people—myself included—weren’t convinced that gay cuckolding was actually a thing.

Cuckolding wasn’t a thing in Thomas’ marriage at the start. “Total monogamy had always been the plan,” said Thomas. “But I got interested after seeing some straight cuckold porn. I immediately identified with the cuck, but I was too embarrassed to bring it up with my husband, because it went against our vision of our marriage, but also because I only ever saw cuckolding represented in straight porn.” Raising awareness of gay cuckolds—and representing gay cuckold relationships—motivated Thomas to start his blog. So if you’re not finding anything out there about lesbian cuckolding, CUCKGIRL, perhaps you could borrow a page from Thomas’ playbook—and create the content and resources you would like to see.

Sadly, Thomas’ gay cuckolding blog is no more. His was just one of the many sex blogs—deeply personal passion projects, one and all—that were lost forever after the geniuses who ran Tumblr decided to purge adult content from their platform. In a matter of days, Tumblr saw its traffic fall by one-third—and its value crater. Yahoo paid $1.1 billion to acquire Tumblr back 2013, but six years and one porn purge later, the site sold for just $20 million—less than 2 percent of what Tumblr was worth when it still hosted Thomas’ gay cuckolding blog. (The moral of this story: Don’t fuck with gay cuckolds.)

Thomas thinks it’s entirely possible for you and your partner to enjoy lesbian cuckolding fantasies while keeping your relationship monogamous on both sides. Indeed, that’s what Thomas and his husband did for many years.

“My husband and I started playing around with cuckold fantasies several years into our marriage, and it remained a hot role-play fantasy for a long time,” said Thomas. “It was fun; it was sexy; and it improved our ability to communicate with each other about sex in general.”

They kept their fantasy play simple at first—for example, his husband would talk about a guy he found hot while Thomas blew him, or Thomas would tease his husband about a sexy new co-worker of his that he knew his husband had a crush on. They would use insertion toys and pretend they were other guys’ dicks; only gradually did they introduce some humiliating dirty talk into their cuckold role play, as Thomas’ husband become more comfortable with the idea of humiliating him. “Making use of cam sites is also a great way to explore if you’re comfortable with that level of monogamish,” said Thomas. “If you’re a cuck like me, watching your partner perform for someone else is incredibly erotic.”

A more-monogamous way to explore cuckolding without opening the relationship—not even a crack—is simply to ask your partner to tell you about her past sexual encounters. Listening to your partner talk about hot experiences she had with other women while you masturbate or while you two fuck is a great way to explore cuckolding without actually opening up your relationship. You’ll be bringing people up, CUCKGIRL, not bringing them in.

“But just as a gay cuckold couple’s fantasies aren’t identical to a straight couple’s cuckold fantasies, a lesbian couple’s fantasies aren’t going to be the same, either,” said Thomas. “CUCKGIRL and her partner just have to find their own way. But the most important thing is to keep communicating. Always communicate! If a particular form of role play isn’t working, tell your partner. And give each other veto powers, and go easy on yourself. Cuckolding is a fantasy that plays with your fears around monogamy and infidelity—it can be very hot, but it can be scary too. So take it slow.”

Like a lot of sex bloggers who were kicked off Tumblr, Thomas migrated over to Twitter, where he currently has more than 13,000 followers @gaycuckoldhubby.


I’m a straight lady in my mid-30s, and I just found out my husband of six years and partner for 10 has been cheating on me for the last five years. As far as I knew, we had a perfect marriage—probably the best relationship, sexual or otherwise, I’d ever been in. If this was a one-off affair, I think I could work past this—counseling, open marriage, some sort of solution. But the fact that he’s lied to me for the five years and that the sex was unsafe (I saw video) disturbs me.

My heart doesn’t want this to end—he’s been my best friend, lover and support system for 10 years—but my brain is telling me that even if we renegotiated the terms of our marriage, he’d deceive me again.

I’m working with a therapist, but what’s your take? Once a cheater, always a cheater? I don’t expect an all-knowing answer. But a little perspective would be helpful.

Duped Wife

For most of your marriage—for most of a marriage you describe as perfect—your husband was cheating on you. My perspective/two cents: Instead of regarding everything that worked about your marriage as a lie, instead of seeing every loving moment as just some part of your husband’s long and very selfish con, you might want to see what was good about your marriage, and what was bad about your husband, as two things that existed side-by-side. So instead of telling yourself, “This was a lousy marriage; it was all a lie; I just didn’t know it,” tell yourself, “It was a good marriage despite his cheating; it wasn’t all a lie; but it was a lot less perfect that I thought.” That’s where you’ll need to get if you want to stay in this marriage—and that may be the biggest “if” you’ll ever confront in your life.

While there are no studies that prove the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater,” studies have shown that someone who has cheated is more likely to cheat again. Not certain to cheat again, but more likely to cheat than someone who’s never cheated.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, particularly now.


I often masturbate thinking about the straight boy who wakes up in female underwear, tied up, gagged and pegged by a female. Is there a name for this fantasy?

Good And Simple Pervert

I can’t give you a name—a name for this sequence of events and mélange of kinks—but I know plenty of professional female dominants who would be happy to give you an estimate.

Do not miss the Planned Parenthood show—www.savagelovecast.com!

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I have a question. I’m a gay man in a relationship, and we’re both really happy since we met a year ago. We’re “open” in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens, and in turn, he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t done anything yet out of fear. I’m not afraid of my kinks; I’m worried that if I ask to go do something kinky, it will ruin our relationship.

I don’t think he was bluffing when he said it was OK for me to explore my kinks with other guys, but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality, and I’m worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause issues. My boyfriend and I are so balanced, but in the kink aspects of my life, I’m a submissive and need to engage in power exchange with someone. I miss being able to express these things, and it feels like there’s a void in my life. That might sound silly, but it’s true. I think repressing them is actually taking a toll on my mental health. Any advice?

Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond

If your boyfriend is bluffing, GAYSUB, you wanna know that sooner rather than later.

Your still-relatively new-ish boyfriend gave you permission to act on your kinks at the same time he asked your permission to fuck someone else. You gave him your OK, and I assume you meant it, GAYSUB; you meant it when you told him he could, if and when “a connection happens,” go ahead and fuck the dude. Seeing as he took your “yes” for an answer where his “connections” are concerned, GAYSUB, I think you should take his “yes” for an answer where your kinks are concerned. So go find some hot Dom you wanna submit to, and let your boyfriend know you’re gonna get your kink on. If it turns out your boyfriend was lying to you—if he’s one of those people who wants to be free to play with others (which is why he got your OK) but doesn’t want his partner playing with others (and the OK he gave you was insincere)—it’s better to find that out 12 short months into this relationship than to find it out 10 years, a mortgage, one kid and two dogs into this relationship.

And what you describe about the void you feel is understandable to anyone with kinks, GAYSUB, and even vanilla people can understand if they think about it for even a moment. (That vanilla stuff you enjoy, vanilla people? Imagine never being able to any of it. See?) Your kinks are an intrinsic aspect of your sexuality, and repressing them—not having any way to explore or express them—does take an emotional toll. It can also breed resentment if your partner is the reason you can’t explore or express them. Which means if your boyfriend wants you to be happy and wants you to be a good boyfriend to him, then you need to have the freedom to be who you are. For some kinky people, porn is enough of an outlet, GAYSUB, but most kinky people want actual experiences.

A vanilla partner is often willing and able to meet a kinky partner’s needs, and that’s great. But sometimes a vanilla partner can’t do it or is incapable of faking it or does it poorly on purpose so they won’t be asked to do it again. And for some kinksters, the awareness you’re being indulged makes it impossible to get into the right subby headspace. If either is the case, you’ll have to outsource these desires to fill that void.

If your boyfriend gives you the OK and has a little breakdown after you get home—if it dredges up some unexpected feelings (and you should expect that it will dredge up some unexpected feelings, so expect those unexpected feelings)—and needs some reassurance, that’s fine. Answer any questions he has, and let him know you’re not going anywhere; indeed, the fact that you don’t have to choose between him and your kinks makes you far less likely to end this relationship. (Sometimes people who weren’t even in the dungeon during the scene need a little aftercare, too.) But if you're careful not to neglect your boyfriend sexually or emotionally, and your kinky dates are just an occasional thing, and your boyfriend keeps having great, big, dramatic meltdowns, GAYSUB, then that’s a bad sign. If he punishes you with drama every time he gives you his OK to play with someone else, then he’s hoping you’ll decide to stop seeking these experiences out, because the emotional price is too great. You won’t be able to remain in this relationship if that’s what winds up happening, GAYSUB, so you’re going to wanna act on your kinks at least a half-dozen times before you get a dog or a mortgage.


My new boyfriend just opened up to me about his kinks. Nothing crazy; just bondage and humiliation. While he usually meets and dates guys off kinky dating sites, we met “the old fashioned way” a few months before COVID-19 slammed us here in Chicago—at a potluck dinner party thrown by a mutual straight lady friend. Your name came up during the conversation about his interests; he told me he was taking your advice and “laying his kink cards on the table” before I had made too much of an emotional commitment.

What’s interesting to me, Dan, is how often this happens. My boyfriend is easily the fourth guy I’ve dated in the last few years who laid down the exact same kink cards: wants to be tied up, wants to be called names, wants to be hurt. I’m learning to tie knots and getting better at calling him names when we have sex, and I actually really enjoying spanking him. But I was talking with a friend—our straight lady mutual (with the boyfriend’s OK!)—and she told me she’s never had a straight guy open up to her about wanting to be tied up and abused. Are gay guys just kinkier?

Talking Over Perversions

I have a theory …

When we’re boys … before we’re ready to come out … we’re suddenly attracted to other boys. And that’s something we usually feel pretty panicked about. It would be nice if that first same-sex crush was something a boy could experience without feelings of dread or terror, TOP, but that’s not how it works for most of us. We’re keenly aware that should the object of our desire realize our desire—if the boy we’re attracted to realizes what we’re feeling—the odds of that boy reacting badly or even violently are high. Even if you think the boy might not react violently, even if you suspect the boy you’re crushing on might be gay himself, the stakes are too high to risk making any sort of move. So we stew with feelings of lust and fear.

Sexual desire can make anyone feel fearful and powerless—we’re literally powerless to control these feelings (while we can and must control how we act on these feelings)—but desire and fear are stirred together for us gay boys to much a greater degree than they are for straight boys. We fear being found out; we fear being called names; we fear being outed; we fear being physically hurt. And the person we fear most is the person on which we have a crush. A significant number of gay guys wind up imprinting on that heady and very confusing mix of desire and fear. The erotic imaginations of guys like your boyfriend seize on those fears and eroticize them. And then, in adulthood, your boyfriend wants to re-experience those feelings—that heady mix of desire and fear—with a loving partner he trusts. The gay boy who feared being hurt by the person he was attracted to becomes the gay man who wants to be hurt—in a limited, controlled, consensual and safe way—by the man he’s with.

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I’m committed to my male partner, and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together; we have a dog; and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months.

Here’s the issue: He met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred, and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night; she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I’m still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now, and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist, and I’m on meds, but the meds have made me gain about 50 pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression.

I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now, I’m not confident enough to be OK with him being sexual with another person, even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me, yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking: WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

You say it doesn’t bother you—it doesn’t totally bother you—that this woman texts your partner day and night, DPRESSD, which strikes me as odd. Because that shit would drive me up the wall. Blowing up someone’s phone at all hours of the day and night screams, “I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING CONSIDERATE! I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL!” Even if you were in a place where you felt better about your partner getting some attention elsewhere, the shit this woman is pulling would still be annoying, unsettling and totally bothersome.

And this shit should be disqualifying—meaning, your partner should’ve shut this woman down already. He should’ve told this woman to knock it off, and if she didn’t knock it off, he should’ve told her to fuck the fuck off and blocked her number. If he tried to shut her down and she kept texting him, DPRESSD, then I have to wonder why he hasn’t blocked her number already. Assuming he’s telling you the truth about not being attracted to her—and it sounds like he is—he may have allowed this to go on, because he enjoys feeling desirable, and/or he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. If it’s the former, make it clear to your partner that you wouldn’t have a problem with him finding someone else to swap flirty sext messages with, so long as it’s someone who can sext in moderation and at appropriate times. If it’s the latter, DPRESSD, make it clear to your partner that this shit is hurting your feelings, and as his partner, you expect him to prioritize your feelings over his former co-worker’s feelings.

All that said, DPRESSD, even if the thought of your partner going off to play with another woman didn’t make you feel insecure, you wouldn’t want your partner getting blown by this particular woman. Even if your partner has never said, “Don’t text me at all hours of the day and night,” that’s no excuse. No one wants their phone or their partner’s phone blowing up at 3 a.m.; that’s not a boundary anyone should have to articulate to set, and articulated or not, no one with any common sense would do that. (And, holy crap, if this is how this woman behaves in pursuit of your partner’s big cock, how is she gonna behave after she gets a taste?)

As for the house issue, DPRESSD, press your partner to clarify his sudden hesitancy. It may have nothing to do with your relationship; it’s entirely possible that he’s freaked out by the state of the world—because, my God, who isn’t?—and he’s having second thoughts about sinking his savings into a house. Depression often puts the worst possible spin on things; it can lead us to reject a calming truth someone is telling us in favor of an alarming lie we’re telling ourselves. Don’t fall into that trap.

And finally, DPRESSD, please talk to your doctor about switching out your meds. If weight gain is a side effect of the ones you’re on now, and weight gain is making you more depressed, then it doesn’t make sense to keep treating your depression with the meds you’re on now. A different med might give you the same benefits without this particular side effect.


I met someone I connected with during quarantine. We’ve all but committed to screwing our brains out after we’re given the all-clear. But she recently suffered a devastating loss. We will meet, on her terms, most likely very soon. I know I should follow her lead, but should I avoid sex even if she wants to have sex? I don’t know if sex will help or hurt. Is being chaste and supportive the right move? Can sex help in a time of loss? I just don’t want to be the asshole someone winds up writing to you for advice about.

Looking Over Sexual Timing

Follow her lead—that’s a good impulse—and if she wants to have sex after you’ve met in person and after you’ve made it clear to her that there’s no rush, LOST, and if you want to have sex after you’ve met her in person, go ahead and have sex. Some people find sex after a devastating loss to be healing and affirming, and the last thing that person needs is for someone else to decide they shouldn’t be having sex or even wanting to have sex.

As for the all-clear you’re waiting for, well, that could be a long time off, seeing as COVID-19 rates are spiking all over the country. If you decide you can’t wait for the all-clear, please consult the New York Health Department’s safer-sex/harm-reduction recommendations for people who want to have sex during this pandemic. (Google “New York Health,” “coronavirus,” and “sex.”) To quickly summarize: You can minimize your risk of contracting or transmitting COVID-19 by wearing a mask, not eating ass, using condoms, and using a glory hole.


I’m a woman who has been dating someone long-distance for seven months. I’ve been transparent about my need for an open relationship. Recently, this gentleman asked me to tell him if I slept with someone else. I agreed, because I’m not sleeping with anyone at the moment due to COVID-19. But since March, I’ve been having phone sex with a long-term booty call who lives across the country. Neither knows about the other, and neither one knows I’m bisexual. No big deal, right? I’m a first responder in a male-dominated field, and I put up with enough bullshit without the men in my life knowing I eat pussy. How much of an asshole am I for not disclosing what I don’t need to?

Not Banging (Other) Dudes

You’re being an asshole—to yourself. Hiding your bisexuality from the men you’re dating increases your odds of winding up in a relationship with someone who judges, shames or hates you for being bisexual, NBOD, and why on earth would you want to do that to yourself? Disclosing your bisexuality ups your odds of attracting a guy who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but it’s easier to weed those guys out early than it is to leave (or divorce) some guy who reveals himself to be biphobic after you’ve made a huge emotional investment in him.

As for the phone sex … you should disclose that, too. If Mr. Seven Months can’t handle you having phone sex, NBOD, he certainly won’t be able to handle you sleeping with someone else. And if he can’t handle that, he’s not the right guy for a woman who wants/needs/requires an open relationship.

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Hey, everybody! We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night, and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state.

I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time, so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go …

Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?

I’ve heard people describe relationships that were three months old as “LTRs.” Assuming you’re not one of those people—assuming you’ve been with this guy for more than a year—and you’ve already said “I love you” to him, and he hasn’t said it back, well, that’s a bad sign. But I wouldn’t describe it as a red flag. Early warning signs for physical or emotional abuse are red flags; not hearing “I love you” from someone you’d like to hear that from does suck, I know (because I’ve been there)—but it’s not a sign that you’re in danger, girl. It’s also not proof your partner has attachment or commitment issues; he just might not be interested in attaching or committing to you. But whatever the case might be, if you’re unhappy being with someone who can’t bring himself to say “I love you,” then you shouldn’t be with that person.

Is there a safe way to date/be slutty now? Will there ever be again? I’m poly but live alone, so I haven’t had sex in 12 weeks. HELP!

While health officials in most places are urging all to only have sex with people we live with—mom and dad excepted—over in the Netherlands, health officials are advising single and horny Dutch people to find “sex buddies.” One sex buddy per person, and ideally someone who isn’t interacting with too many other people. If you can find someone you trust—and if you are someone who can be trusted—you could go Dutch.

My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend who just can’t let it go. He’s blocked her on social media, but his mother still follows his ex and is friends with her, and they interact at least monthly—likes, comments, etc. Can I address the issue with his mom, or is that just somewhere you don’t go?

Why are you monitoring your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend’s social media? I mean, if you weren’t lurking on her Instagram, you wouldn’t know your future MIL is liking and commenting on her photos. Your fiancé’s mom is an adult, and she can follow anyone she likes on Instagram. And if you don’t want her to think you’re the toxic one, you won’t address this with her. Be the change you wanna see in your fiancé’s ex: Let it go.

I’ve always wanted to know more about your history with circumcision.

My history with circumcision isn’t that interesting: I was present at one circumcision (my own); I’ve never performed a circumcision (that I recall); and I’ve encountered both circumcised and uncircumcised dicks in the wild (and enjoyed them all).

My wife and I are lesbians who just found out we’re having a baby boy! We’re super excited but had some penis questions. My wife wants to circumcise our son, because she says that if he’s uncircumcised, he’ll get made fun of in the locker room. Does this happen? How often do boys look at each other’s dicks growing up?

The circumcision rate among newborn boys has been falling for decades, and now only a little more than half of boys are circumcised at birth. So even if boys were comparing their dicks in locker rooms—and they’re not—your son won’t be alone. For the record: the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend the procedure, and the supposed health benefits—a lower risk for urinary-tract infections and a lower risk for some sexually transmitted infections—aren’t a convincing argument in favor of the routine circumcision of male infants. While the complication rate is low (1.5 percent), those complications can range from easily treatable infections to “amputation of the glans,” “necrosis of the penis” and “death.” Risking your son’s life and most important limb to spare him a moment’s awkwardness in a locker room seems unreasonable to me—particularly since your son can’t consent.

My partner wants me (F) to peg him! Hooray! Any advice? He is very hot! Thanks! You rock!

He should douche! Plenty of lube! Take it slow! Film it for HUMP!

I’m a bisexual male in California. When is the right time to tell someone I just started dating that I’m bisexual? And how?

Mention your bisexuality on dating apps—which is where most couples meet these days—and you won’t have to tell someone you’re bisexual after you’ve started dating them. If you meet someone the old-fashioned way (school, work, through friends), tell ’em right away. It’s nothing you should be ashamed of or have to roll out carefully. And being with someone who can’t embrace and celebrate your sexuality is bad for your mental health; the more out you are about being bi, the lower your odds of winding up with someone who has a problem with it. It ups your odds of winding up with someone who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but if you had to choose between a partner who disapproves (and polices) and a partner who drools (and wants to watch), you’re gonna way better off with the droolers.

Cis poly woman here. My quarantine sexpod contains me and my two male partners. We’ll call them A and B. My partner B has another female partner that we’ll call C. Since we’re already "connected" anyway, would it change anything for me to have a threesome with B and C?

If B is fucking C and then coming home and fucking you and then you’re running down the hall to A, then C is essentially already in your sexpod. The bigger your sexpod, the more people you’re in contact with, the greater your risk of contracting and/or spreading COVID-19. Ideally, C would move in with you and A and B if you’re all going to be fucking each other. But not having a threesome with B and C while B is out there fucking C won’t protect you and A from whatever B might bring home from C.

Gay black male from New York City here. Two months ago, I lost my partner of 17 years to COVID-19. I have a pretty strong support system, but it’s really hitting me really hard right now, because my partner was very politically active and supportive of the struggles of black and brown people. I’ve been in therapy, but do you have any suggestions or resources for how to deal with such a loss in the midst of all this chaos?

I’m so sorry for your loss—and I apologize for not spotting your question during the show. I’m glad you have a strong support system and that you’re working with a therapist. If you need more support, your therapist should be able to refer you to an online grief support group. And I’ll just add: Grief isn’t something we “deal with,” and then we’re done. It’s something we carry with us. And in my experience, time doesn’t lighten the load. Still, the longer we walk with it, the stronger we get, and the lighter it feels. My heart goes out to you.

Longtime listener and magnum subscriber! We will keep this short: We are in a happy monogamish marriage and have heard one is not supposed to share toys under any circumstances. What are your thoughts on this?

One shouldn’t share a toy one hasn’t cleaned—and one should make sure one’s toys aren’t made of porous materials that are hard or impossible to clean. But if one has, say, a silicone toy that can be run through a dishwasher, well, one can share that toy. A fluid-bonded couple can safely share toys during sex, of course, so long as toys aren’t going from assholes to vaginas between cleanings. You also shouldn’t put a dildo in your spouse and then stick it in your very special guest star. But if you obey those simple rules—clean toys, no ass-to-vag, no used toys in thirds or toys used by thirds in primaries—it’s safe to share your toys.

I’m a 25-year-old lesbian trans woman in Chicago. I had a long video chat two weeks ago with a woman I met at the Chicago Age Players Convention—think International Mr. Leather but for adult babies/diaper lovers—and we really hit it off. It felt like we were about to pull a U-Haul despite being in quarantine. We even discussed a visit. But since then, I haven’t heard from her. I’ve tried texting and calling. My question is: What should I do? How can we reconnect?

You can’t reconnect if she isn’t interested in reconnecting. I know that sucks, but you’ve already done everything you can—you texted, you called. She knows you’re still interested, and you have to accept that you’ll hear only if she wants to reconnect. Hopefully nothing’s wrong, and she’s safe. I don’t think ghosting is ever nice, but a lot of people are struggling right now, and some people who wouldn’t normally ghost are ghosting. If she offers you an apology when she reaches out to you again—if she reaches out to you again—don’t hold the ghosting against her. If you never hear from her again, well, then she wasn’t who you hoped she was.

Thank you again to everyone who bought a ticket to the Savage Love Livestream! All proceeds—every single cent raised—went to Northwest Harvest. If anyone reading this is in a donating mood right now, you can donate to Northwest Harvest directly at northwestharvest.org/donate.

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Here goes: I’m a 32-year-old gay male, and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When I’m single or “available,” I am OK. Let’s be honest: I’m a slut, and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone—when I’m trying to have an actual relationship—the sex suffers. With a partner I care about, I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. I’ve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking … are you really enough?

I’m currently in an open relationship with a guy I’ve known for a decade. He’s amazing. Often, I’m hard AF just sitting there relaxing with him. But the closer we get to actually having sex, the more nervous I become. I even stop breathing consistently. It’s almost like I feel ashamed to want someone so much … or something. It’s frustrating, because I would love nothing more than to fuck like rabbits until we were both exhausted. I love him, and I want to be able to please him sexually! Our intimacy, our conversation, our connection—everything else is so strong. But I feel like my problem will kill any future I might have with him.

He hasn’t really expressed a concern, but I worry. I have considered the idea of therapy, but the idea of talking to some stranger about my sex life face to face is just daunting. So what do I do? My other thought is to just blindfold him and say “bottoms up.”

Dazed In Love

So you don’t wanna talk with a therapist about your issues—which touch on more than just sex—but you’re willing to talk to me and all of my readers about them. I realize it’s a little different, DIL, as you don’t have to look me in the eye while we discuss your dick. But there are therapists who specialize in helping people work through their issues around sex, and they’re usually pretty good at setting nervous new clients at ease. They have to be. So I would encourage you to have a few sessions with a sex-positive queer shrink. Talking about your dick with a stranger will be awkward at first, of course, but just like eating ass, DIL, the more you do it, the less awkward it gets—and after a few sessions, your therapist won’t be a stranger anymore. (To find a sex-positive/poly-positive sex therapist, head over to the website of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists: aasect.org.)

In the meantime, DIL, go ahead and blindfold your boyfriend—if he’s game, of course, and I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be. You seem to have an irrational fear of being seen. If your boyfriend were to get a good look at you naked, DIL, especially if he got a good look at your dick, you’re convinced he would suddenly conclude—even though he’s known you for a decade and is obviously into you—that you’re not “enough” for him. So don’t let him get a good look. Blindfold that boy.

Don’t lie to him about why you want to blindfold him—tell him you feel a little insecure—but bringing in a blindfold makes working through your insecurities into a sexy game. Being able to have sex with the boyfriend without having to worry about him sizing up your cock will free you to enjoy sex—and who knows? After a few hot sex sessions with your sensory-deprived boyfriend (or a few dozen hot sessions), your confidence may get the boost it needs, and you won’t feel so insecure about your cock or anything else.

And even if your dick was small—which it isn’t, DIL, because you’ve got the measurements and photos to prove it—you could still have great sex with your boyfriend. Guys with dicks of all sizes, even guys without dicks, can have great sex. And if you’re still nervous after blindfolding the boyfriend and worried you’ll go soft, DIL, you can take the pressure off by enjoying sex acts and play that don’t require you to be hard. You can bottom for him; you can blow him; you can use toys on his ass; you can sit on his face while he jacks off, etc. There’s a lot you can do without your dick.

Zooming out, DIL, intimacy and hot sex are often negatively correlated—meaning the more intimate a relationship becomes, the less hot the sex gets. Anyone who’s watched more than one American sitcom has heard a million jokes about this sad fact. People in sexually exclusive relationships who still want hot sex to be a part of their lives have to work at solving this problem with their partners. But if you’re in an open relationship and can get sex elsewhere, well, then you can have love and intimacy and pretty good sex with your partner, and adventures and novelty and crazy hot sex with other people.

Ideally, of course, a person in an open relationship wants—and it is possible for a person in an open relationship to have—hot sex with their committed partner as well as their other partners. But some people can’t make it work, DIL. However hard they try, some people can’t have uninhibited or unselfconscious sex with a long-term partner. The more invested they are in someone, the higher the stakes are, the longer they’re together, etc., the less arousing sex is for them. Most of the people with this problem—people who aren’t capable of having great sex with a long-long-long-term partner—are in monogamous relationships, and judging from the jokes on sitcoms, they’re utterly (but hilariously) miserable. You’re not in a monogamous relationship, DIL, so if it turns out you’re incapable of having great sex with a committed partner—if you can’t manage to integrate those things—you don’t have to go without great sex. You can have intimacy at home, and great sex elsewhere.

But it’s a double-edged sword, DIL, because if you can get hot sex elsewhere, you may not be motivated to do the work required—to talk to that shrink, to get that blindfold, to work through those issues—that would make it possible for you to have great sex with your partner and others.


I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. I’m a 27-year-old woman, and this was my first “real” relationship. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have considered myself a steady dick-jumper. I went flitting from guy to guy.

On paper, our relationship seemed great. He tries to make sure I have what I need, whether it’s a meal, a TV show, or a record to play. He is stable and affectionate; most of all, he wanted to be with me. But he’s boring. When I talk to him, I want to be somewhere, anywhere else. The more I tried to engage with him, the more obvious our lack of any deep connection seemed. He is stoic and un-emotional, whereas I cry during car commercials. I’m desperately seeking an emotional equal. Every day, I go back and forth between loving where we are and wanting to run the fuck away. I have a tendency to do the latter—with guys, friends, jobs—so I don’t know what I REALLY want. But I feel so incredibly unfulfilled. We have a lackluster sex life, and I feel more like his roommate the past year than his girlfriend. I want to be inspired by my partner.

My question is … actually, I’m not really sure I have a question.

First Relationship Fizzle

Since you didn’t ask a question, FRF, I guess you don’t require an answer. So I’ll make an observation instead: You repeatedly refer to this relationship in the past tense (“this was my first ‘real’ relationship,” “our relationship seemed great,” “the more I tried.”). So you obviously know what you need to do.

Your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend sounds like a good guy, FRF, and you don’t want to hurt him, which makes dumping him harder. But if he’s not the right guy for you, FRF, you’re not the right woman for him. Go back to flitting—and who knows? Maybe one day you’ll jump on a dick that’s attached to a guy you who inspires you. Or maybe you don’t want one guy—forever or for long. Some people are happier flitting than settling.

Join me for my first-ever Savage Lovecast Livestream! Thursday, June 4, at 7 p.m. Pacific. I’ll answer as many of your questions as I can, all from the comfort of your computer. Tickets are at savagelovecast.com/events.

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Published in Savage Love

I don’t want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with 10 years ago, and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend—and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he’d be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down, and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19.

So I haven’t seen him since the last weekend in February, and I’ve been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it’s been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups, and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better, and I don’t know what to do when I finally have to see him again. I’m not breaking up with him because he’s a bad person, and I don’t want to hurt him, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

I feel guilty because I’m choosing my happiness over his. I know I shouldn’t, Dan, but I do.

Feeling Resentful About Uncoupling Dilemma

Pandemic or no pandemic, FRAUD, you can’t stay with someone forever—you can’t be miserable for the rest of your life—to spare that person the routine and surmountable pain of getting dumped. Not breaking up with your boyfriend while he was fighting COVID-19 was the right thing to do, of course, and I don’t for a minute question the sincerity of your concern for him. (You want to see the relationship end, FRAUD, not him.) But don’t wait until you see him again to break up with him. It’ll suck for him, of course, but the world is full of people who got dumped and got over it. And the sooner he gets over you, the sooner he’ll meet someone else.

For all you know, he’s been chatting over his backyard fence—at a safe distance—with a neighbor he would be interested in dating if he were single.


For the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been in quarantined together. Except time we’ve spent working, we’re constantly in each other’s company and doing things together. It’s been great so far. It’s good to know that we won’t get tired of each other or feel smothered. The main problem is finding something to watch or something to do. Any suggestions?

Quarantined Until

I’ve been reading The Mirror and the Light, the final installment of Hilary Mantel’s epic account of the inner life of Thomas Cromwell, Henry VIII’s most powerful minister—the guy who arranged for the beheading of Anne Boleyn—while listening to whatever classical music my husband puts on. But just so you don’t think it’s all award-winning fiction and high art where we’re quarantining, we’ve also been watching 90 Day Fiancé, which is a complete (and completely engrossing) shit show, and The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, which I missed when it first ran. So obviously I would suggest fiction, music and crap television—and anal, of course.


My problem is that I am seriously worried about missing out on life. I’m a man. I find men attractive, but I have no idea how to get to know one. For the first time last summer, I met someone, and we were sexual with each other. He was a hockey player. But he is gone now. And when I try to be friendly with other men, I get called out for flirting. I am gay and don’t know how much hurt I can take.

Making All These Connections Hard

More than 80 percent of gay relationships got their start online before the pandemic began, MATCH, and that number is surely higher now. So if you got on gay dating/hookup apps instead of flirting with random men, you would be talking to a self-selected group of men who are inviting other men to flirt with them. You’ll still face rejection, of course, and you’ll still get hurt. To live is to suffer, as some philosopher or other once said, but the suffering is easier to bear if you’re getting your dick sucked once in a while.


I’m 34, non-binary, but presenting female. Due to a series of personal tragedies (death, deportation, illness—it was not a Top 10 year), I’m sheltering with my parents. Long story short: I’m 100 percent financially dependent on my parents right now. The upside is, I’ve had a lot of time to become comfortable with the fact that I really, really want to mess around with cross-dressing. I would love to get a binder and a masc getup and haircut and just see how that feels. My parents will want to know “what this means,” and they won’t take, “Fuck if I know?” for an answer.

It will be a long time (maybe years) before I’m either eligible for disability or ready to work again, and I just can’t wait that long. So much of my life has already passed me by, and I’m tired of waiting for a “right time.” But binders and clothes and haircuts cost money. Keeping masc stuff around the house means people will eventually see it. Again, they’d probably be supportive, but I just want to keep this private. Is there a way to do it?

Hoping For A Third Option

Other than winning the lottery and moving out on your own tomorrow, HFATO, there’s no third option here. You’re going to have to pick your poison: risk having an awkward conversation with parents who are likely to be supportive, or continue to wait—possibly for years—before you start exploring your gender presentation. The choice seems obvious to me.


I got in an argument recently about pegging and its original definition: “a women fucking a man in the ass with strap-on dildo.” I feel it’s moved beyond that and now means anyone wearing a strap-on fucking anyone else in the ass. My friends insisted that only a man can be pegged, and only by a woman. As the originator of the term, Dan, we turn to you: Can a woman peg another woman?

A New Ass Licker

I will allow it.


Are some people just bad at sex? My partner has been overwhelmed with work, and our sex life suffered a major decline. He’s working with a psychotherapist who told him some people are just not good at sex and that he should just accept that he’s one of those people. It broke my heart to know someone said that to my partner.

Am I overreacting? Is there some way to take this as anything but wrong? Or is this therapist a clown?

Completely Undermining Negative Therapy

There are people out there who are “bad at sex” by objective measures. There must be. But “good sex” is so subjective that I’m not convinced objective measures really matter. For example, I got a letter yesterday from someone complaining their partner is “bad at sex” because they just lie there, silent and inert, while the letter writer “does all the work.” But if the person who just lies there was partnered with a necrophiliac, well, that “silent and inert” stuff would make them great at sex, not bad at sex, at least by a necrophiliac’s standards.

As for your boyfriend, CUNT, you’re in a better position to judge whether he’s good at sex—by your subjective standards—than his shrink. Presumably. And if you enjoyed the sex you were having before your partner was overwhelmed with work, then he’s good at sex—he’s good sex by your standards—and here’s hoping you get back to having lots of good sex together soon.

Join us for the Savage Lovecast Livestream! June 4, 7 p.m. Pacific. Send your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., and I might answer yours on the show. Tickets are at savagelovecast.com/events.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.">This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.savagelovecast.com.

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