CVIndependent

Tue09172019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

My roommate is a gay man who is into getting fisted. A lot.

We were FWBs until he moved into my place, at which point we agreed it would be better for us to not have sex anymore. It’s worked out fine, and he’s been here for a year. Here’s the problem: About two years ago, he got into fisting, and he has someone over every night to fist him. As soon as he comes home from work, he spends a good hour in the bathroom cleaning out, and then some guy comes over to fist him. Every single day.

My roommate is a very attractive guy who doesn’t think he’s attractive at all. I’ve talked to him a few times about whether he’s being sexually compulsive, but he just laughs and says, “Well, you suck a lot of dick.” (I have a healthy but moderate sex life.) I am concerned that all of this ass play is not healthy. As a friend, I want him to seek help for his sexual compulsion, his low self-esteem and his social isolation. As a roommate, I am tired of all these strange men coming into my home and the high water bill.

Frequent Insertions Sincerely Trouble Someone

“Fisting is a healthy and safe sexual activity so long as the participants are sober,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician and author who works with many gay men. “There is a misconception that fisting damages the anal sphincter, loosens it, and causes a loss of bowel control over time. This is absolutely false.”

Devin Franco, a gay porn star who’s been getting fisted on a weekly basis for many years, backs up Dr. Shalit. “People who are only used to vanilla intercourse are sometimes shocked,” said Franco. “People will leave comments on my videos asking if I was in pain, even though I’m clearly always enjoying it. Fisting is actually the most pleasurable sexual act I’ve ever experienced—and seven years in, (there have been) no negative health consequences, and everything down there works just fine, thanks.”

But exactly how does that work? How does someone like Franco get a fist and/or a ridiculously large sex toy in his butt?

“A skilled fisting bottom can voluntarily relax the anal sphincter in order to accommodate a hand up to the wrist or further,” explained Dr. Shalit. “A skilled fisting top knows how to insert their hand—it’s actually fingertips first, not a clenched fist—and how to do it gently, taking their time, and using lots of lube. And, again, after the session is over, the sphincter returns to its normal state.”

Which is not to say that people haven’t injured themselves or others engaging in anal play with large sex toys, fists or even perfectly average cocks—people most certainly have. That’s why it’s crucial to take things slow, use lots of lube, and go at it sober.

“Fisting isn’t for everyone,” said Dr. Shalit. “In fact, most people are unable to relax their sphincter in this fashion.”

But to figure out whether fisting is for you—to determine whether you’re one of those people who can relax their sphincter—first you gotta wanna, and then you gotta try.

“It actually took about two years for me,” said Franco. “That’s from the first time I did anal play, thinking, ‘Maybe I can get his whole fist in there,’ to the first time I actually got a fist in my ass. Two years.”

And while fisting isn’t for everyone, FISTS, like Dr. Shalit said, it’s very clearly for your roommate. But enjoying the hell out of a particular sexual activity—even one that seems extreme to those who don’t enjoy it—isn’t by itself evidence of low self-esteem or sexual compulsion.

“If FISTS thinks his roommate has low self-esteem,” said Dr. Shalit, “he’s done the right thing by telling him he should seek help. But that’s the end of his responsibility. Whether or not his roommate seeks help is up to his roommate. And it’s hard for me to agree that his roommate is being sexually compulsive based on what’s in the letter. Many men have sex every day, and the roommate’s sex life doesn’t seem to have any negative consequences, except that FISTS doesn’t like it.”

While Franco also doesn’t think getting fisted daily is proof that your roommate is out of control, fisting isn’t something he does every day. “Doing it daily sounds exhausting,” he said. “The act requires a lot of physical exertion. I personally need a little recovery time between sessions. But I do know guys who do it every day—maybe not a fist every day, but they play with large toys every day. But I couldn’t, and I don’t.”

All that said, FISTS, two of your cited reasons for not liking what your roommate is up to—strange men in and out of your apartment (and your roommate), and all that douching driving up your water bill—are legitimate complaints that you shouldn’t be shy about addressing.

“To not have a lot of strangers in and out of the apartment is a reasonable ask of a roommate,” said Dr. Shalit. “But if the roommate sees a steady stream of FISTS’ hookups coming over, it could seem like a double standard. And I suppose he could ask for extra help with the water bill, but I’m skeptical that ‘cleaning out’ for fisting would actually cause a significant increase in the bill.”

Dr. Shalit recommends Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin to anyone who wants to learn more about anal intercourse, fisting and other forms of anal play. “It’s the bible of anal sexuality,” said Dr. Shalit.

Follow Devin Franco on Twitter @devinfrancoxxx, and check out his work at justfor.fans/devinfrancoxxx.


My husband of nearly 20 years came out to me as bisexual about two months ago. He assured me he has no intention of looking outside our marriage for other sex partners.

We’ve always had a kind of barrier sexually, and it seemed to fall away after he came out. We’ve since done all manner of things, including my using a dildo on him. (Thanks for all the tips over the years about anal!) It has been a fun and empowering experience overall.

There is one thing I am having trouble with. He mentioned that he’d like me to peg him using a strap-on. I mean, of course he would, right? He’d like to actually feel my body against his. That would doubtless make the whole experience better for him. But I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Does this require me, even if temporarily, to change my body? I’m feeling really vulnerable and insecure about it, like it means there’s something wrong with my body. I get panicky just thinking about it. (My husband has not done or said anything to make me feel bad about my body.)

Using the dildo is no big thing, and I don’t understand why this feels so different and difficult.

Pegging Feels Different

You don’t have to do anything about this right now, PFD. Your husband only came out to you as bisexual two months ago! Your husband’s honesty pulled down that barrier you’d always sensed but could never name, and that’s wonderful and exciting. And you’re already exploring anal penetration with him on the receiving end, which is something many straight men also enjoy. If covering your genitals temporarily with a strap-on makes you feel awkward or unwanted, you don’t have to do it—not now, not ever. But I can’t imagine you think there’s something wrong with the bodies of lesbians who use strap-ons with their female partners, just as you don’t seem to think holding a dildo means there’s something wrong with (or inadequate about) your hands.

If covering your vulva with a strap-on makes you feel negated or undesirable, there are dildo harnesses that strap on to your thigh, not your crotch, and could provide your husband with body-to-body closeness during penetration while still leaving your vulva and clit accessible for digital stimulation.

On the Lovecast, are people actually using dental dams? (Spoiler: No.): savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I don’t listen to your podcast religiously, but as soon as I told my best friend this story, she said, “That’s a question for Dan Savage!”

Backstory: I have a monogamous partner I live with. It’s a heterosexual relationship, but we are both bisexual. That little inkling of homosexuality really drew me to him when we first met. He also told me early on about his previous girlfriend, who looked like a “suicide girl” (tattoos, short skirts, dyed black hair, heavy eye makeup) but had serious issues. (They had sex only 10 times in three years.)

I’m by no means a suicide girl. I’m pretty average-looking with natural hair and no tattoos. I don’t wear makeup, and I have an affinity for baggy T-shirts and jeans. I love having sex, but rarely do I present myself as “sexy.”

Recently, I learned that my boyfriend follows hundreds of women on Instagram, and 95 percent of them look absolutely nothing like me. (Remember the hot suicide-girl girlfriend? They mostly look like her.) It made me really upset. I felt insecure about myself. I felt distrustful of his positive comments about how I look, like he doesn’t actually think I’m sexy. It certainly doesn’t help that I want to have sex way more often than he does. He’s always “tired.” I was angry at him and instantly craving to go back to a sexual relationship with past partners who thought I were the bee’s knees. He has no idea why I would be upset. He says he feels like he’s supporting these women and that they feel “empowered” by all the men leaving comments like, “Show me your boobs,” and, “I wanna shove my cock in you.” He says he deleted his Instagram just to make me happy, but I still feel shitty about the whole thing.

Am I being oversensitive? Is he being insensitive? Could we be sexually incompatible? At this point, I’m ready to look outside of our relationship for sexual interactions.

Your Very Ordinary Instagram Girl

I don’t listen to your podcast, either, YVOIG, so that makes us even. (I assume you have a podcast. Everyone does these days.)

Zooming out: If we’re going to tell people they shouldn’t be so shallow as to date only their “ideal” physical types, and we’re going to tell people they can learn to find a broader array of people attractive, and we’re going to tell people they can find a person’s insides so attractive that they warm to their outside—and it’s mostly men people we tell these things, as women people seem less hung up on/entitled to their physical ideals—then we also need to tell people not to freak the fuck out when they stumble over evidence that they aren’t their partner’s ideal physical type. Additionally, we need to tell people that just because their partner has a particular type, that doesn’t mean their partner isn’t also attracted to him/her if he/she isn’t that particular type.

Zooming in: You don’t have a great sex life with your boyfriend, YVOIG, as you seem to have mismatched libidos—and one partner “always” being tired isn’t a problem that gets better over time. These are both signs that you probably need to end this relationship. (Already looking outside your monogamous relationship for sexual interactions? Another sign.) But you can end things without having a meltdown about the fact that your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend was also or usually or, hell, even exclusively with one notable exception (YOU!) attracted to “suicide girl” types. Instead of telling yourself that every compliment your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend ever gave you was a lie, you could tell yourself that while your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend definitely has a type, he also found you attractive. Because you are attractive. You’re so attractive that you caught his eye despite not being his usual type.

In other words, YVOIG, you don’t have to feed your self-esteem into a shredder as you end this relationship.

By the way: Your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend may have deleted his old Instagram account, but I promise you he quickly created another one. And here’s hoping your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend only directs “empowering” comments like, “I wanna shove my cock in you,” at the kind of people on Instagram who regard those types of comments as “supportive.” They’re out there—men and women—but there are fewer of them out there than too many men, gay and straight, seem to believe there are.


I’m a 28-year-old straight guy with one kink: I want to be collared and on a leash. That’s it. In private. Basically, I just want to curl up at my girlfriend’s feet with the leash in her hand. Just me on the floor next to the couch while she watches television, or me on the floor next to the bed while she reads.

I’ve had three serious girlfriends, and all three laughed in my face when I told them about this. I’m dating a girl now that I like a lot, and she actually asked me if I had any kinks, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I’m worried about her laughing in my face, too.

Laughter Erases All Sexual Hopes

People often have knee-jerk, sex-negative reactions to kinky requests—not because they necessarily think peeing on someone or leashing someone is hopelessly perverted or disqualifying, LEASH, but because they’ve never imagined themselves peeing on someone or keeping a boyfriend on a leash. The request conjures up a mental image that conflicts with a person’s self-conception—they never thought of themselves as the peeing-on-other-people or keeping-the-boyfriend-on-a-leash type—and nervous laughter is a common response to that particular brand of cognitive dissonance. It would be better if people didn’t have this reaction, of course, but you should brace yourself for it, laugh/shrug it off, and then proceed to explain why this is such a turn-on for you and what’s in it for her. (It sounds like a pretty easy way for her to crank you up when she’s feeling horny.)

If the reactions of the last three girlfriends left you scared and scarred, LEASH, tell your current girlfriend via text. (“Hey, remember when you asked if I had a kink? I do: being on a leash.”) Then, if her first reaction is to laugh, you won’t be there to hear it. You might get a “LOL, what?” in response, but don’t let it shut you down. Keep texting; keep it light and playful; show her that you have a sense of humor about it … and you could finally end up on that leash.


I’m a 43-year-old woman who has been enjoying the company of a much-younger man. (He’s 24.) His energy, enthusiasm and straight-up bravery in the face of the current horrors of the world are giving me a renewed sense of purpose. Plus, the sex is phenomenal.

What’s giving me pause is that my generally sex-positive friends are deeply creeped out by this relationship due to our age difference. He lives on his own; he has a degree and a career; and he supports himself—so this isn’t a “sugar mama” situation. I have no authority over him in any capacity. I also have no delusions of this lasting forever.

Am I really so wrong for enjoying this while I can? My friend circle includes all manner of kinky and queer folks, so their reaction is really throwing me for a loop.

This Older Woman Needs Youth

My hunch is that your sex-positive friends have made two assumptions. First, they’ve assumed you have more power in this relationship, because you’re older (as if youth and maleness don’t confer their own powers!). And, second, they seem to have assumed you have to be abusing your power somehow. It’s a legitimate concern—power is so often abused, and we should all be thoughtful about it. But “often abused” does not equal “always abused,” TOWNY, and in no way are you abusing this grown-ass 24-year-old man. If your sex-positive friends give you any more grief about the age difference, give them grief about their ageism and misogyny.

On the Lovecast, we take on money AND vaginas: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I took Molly with my best bud. We wound up cuddling and telling each other everything. We didn’t mess around—we’re both straight guys—but one of the things I told him is that I would much rather eat pussy than fuck, and one of the things he told me is that he’s not at all into eating pussy and pretty much only likes to fuck. I think we’d make a great team: We’re both good-looking, athletic dudes, and we should find a woman who loves to have her pussy eaten and loves to get fucked. I would go down on her and get her going (and coming), then he steps in and dicks her down (and gets her off one last time). What say you?

Ultimate Package Deal

I would say, “FUCK YES!” if I were a woman, UPD, which I’m not. And while I can’t promise you every woman will have the same reaction I did, some women most definitely will.


I’m a male in my late 50s. I went to a urologist for my erection problem, which was helped with ED medication. But orgasms are very hard to achieve, and the ED medication does not seem to make orgasms any easier to have. My girlfriend appreciates the erections, but I would also like to climax. This is very frustrating. Any advice?

Pills Inhibiting Lusty Loads

Tits and dicks both sag with age, which is why push-up bras and push-up pills were invented. And while ED meds do make it easier for a guy to get an erection, they can also make it more difficult for a guy to climax. Upside: You last longer. Downside: You may sometimes have sex without climaxing. Or you can shift your perspective and try to see this downside as a secret upside: Sometimes you get to enjoy sex without climaxing—and next time, when you do climax, you’ll blow a bigger load.


I am a bisexual man who’s active in the sex-positive community, and I love playing with couples. I was updating my Feeld profile to reflect this desire, but I realized there’s no consistent term for a male unicorn. So I listed “Male/Stag/Stallion/Minotaur/Pegasus,” various terms I’ve seen people use. WTF, it shouldn’t require a whole line in my profile to run through all the terms! As the person who famously crowdsourced “pegging,” I was hoping you could work your magic and get everyone to agree on a nonbinary term that works for all sexual identities.

Having One Reliable Name

What’s wrong with “unicorn”? Unicorns—the mythical beasts—can be female, male, or, I suppose, genderless or genderfluid. They can be anything we want them to be, HORN, since we made them up. And while the term first came into use to describe bi women who weren’t just open to having sex with an established, opposite-sex couple, but open to committing to a couple and forming a poly triad, there’s no reason men and/or nonbinary folks who are interested in the same—hooking up with and forming relationships with established couples—couldn’t identify as unicorns, too. But are you a unicorn? People began to call those bi women “unicorns” because they were hard to find, and everyone, it seemed, was looking for one. People interested in simply playing with couples aren’t anywhere near as hard to find.


I’ve recently begun to experiment with a few kinky friends. One of them is a voyeur who is super into bukkake. I’d be open to a group bukkake scene, but how do I avoid contracting an STI?

Anonymous Assistant

“On me, not in me” was a safe-sex message crafted in the earliest, darkest, most-terrifying days of the AIDS crisis—and a bukkake scene, which involves multiple men ejaculating on one person, is all about “on me,” which makes it relatively safe. So long as you’re careful not to get anyone’s come in your eyes (ocular gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia are all things) or on your hole(s), you won’t have anything to worry about.


Is there a regional difference between people who use the word “come” versus people who use “jizz”? I personally only use the word “come” and rarely hear anyone use “jizz.” Do people not use “jizz,” or do they just not use it where I live?

Seeking Pretty Unnecessary Niche Knowledge

I’ve seen maps that track regionalisms like “soda” versus “pop,” SPUNK, but I’ve never seen one tracking “come” versus “jizz.” Seems like something a sex-positive linguist might want to jump on.


I’m a 46-year-old man, and I recently met a 31-year-old woman. We have not had PIV sex yet, but we have enjoyed several nights of cuddling, spooning, etc. as the relationship progresses. She has made it very clear she wants our first time to be a fairy-tale evening, so we have yet to take things past mild foreplay. Plot twist: After two nights of us sleeping together, I realized she’s a sexsomniac. She had no idea until I told her, and she barely believes me. But if I put my arm around her to cuddle when she’s asleep, she immediately sexually responds to the skin-to-skin contact. On two occasions, she’s performed oral on me. I’m not complaining, as this is quite possibly every guy’s dream. My question is around consent when dealing with situations like this.

She’s My Dream Girl

Unless your new girlfriend gave you permission to initiate skin-to-skin contact in the middle of the night—unless she not only didn’t have a problem with the first blowjob you accidentally triggered but explicitly gave you the go-ahead to trigger more—you have already and repeatedly violated her consent. If she doesn’t want to do more than cuddle or spoon when she’s awake, you shouldn’t be manipulating her into blowing you when she’s asleep. Most people who are partnered with sexsomniacs prefer not to have sex with their partners when they’re unconscious, but some do—with their sexsomniac partner’s prior consent. It’s a gray area, because an unconscious person can’t offer meaningful, enthusiastic, ongoing consent. But unless there are details you’ve omitted—details like your partner saying, “I blew you in my sleep? Really! Neat! I’m happy to keep doing that!”—stop initiating skin-to-skin contact when she’s asleep, or stop pretending you care about consent. (You should care about consent, and you should stop.)


I’ve been seeing a guy. We’re not really “boyfriend and girlfriend,” and we’re not exclusive. Last night, him and my best friend and I were all hanging out in his bedroom. After a while, I went to sleep on the couch in the living room and left them in the bedroom. When I woke up, they were having sex. I had told them both it was OK for them to have sex with each other, but I didn’t expect them to do it when I was just in the other room.

Unwelcome Personal Surprise Enraging Totally

You’re not exclusive, UPSET, and you gave this guy and your best friend permission to fuck, and … they fucked. But you got something out of it, too: You learned an important lesson. Namely, no one can read your mind. If you give someone permission to do something with someone else sometime, and both those someones are sitting on a bed, you need to bring up any and all additional conditions before falling asleep on the couch in the next room.

On the Lovecast, when your twin brother is a white supremacist: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m an otherwise healthy male of 54. When I was a teen, my cock measured about 6 1/2 inches—not small, not huge, pretty average. I never kept track of the situation down south, but suddenly, I find my junk reports in just more than 4 inches. WTF?

Is this normal? Do men lose size/girth as they age? I’m only 54! How much more do I have to lose before 60? And beyond? I’m single now, and suddenly I’m afraid to be intimate with women I formerly would have embraced without a second thought, out of embarrassment. My confidence is at an all-time low. I’m actually afraid to ask anyone out for fear of “exposing” the evidence. I assume there are no pills for this, but please tell me there are options.

Shrinking in Seattle

“We have to make a distinction between observed penile length and actual penile length,” said Dr. Ashley Winter, a board-certified urologist in Portland, Ore. “Penis length changes in real time based on a number of factors—factors that include level of arousal, stress and ambient temperature. For this reason, researchers like to limit variability by measuring the ‘stretched flaccid length’ in a warm room.”

Needless to say, most men aren’t observing—much less measuring—their dicks when they’re soft.

“We know that almost ZERO home dick measurements are done in the flaccid state,” said Dr. Winter. “But unless SIS jotted down the room temp or precise level of arousal when he measured his teenage penis, it’s unlikely he’s comparing apples to apples.

“Another issue—and a far less appreciated one—is that the penis is anchored to the undersurface of your pelvic bones, so nearly one-half of the average penis length is ‘hidden’ along the undersurface of the pelvis.”

There’s a very special tendon—the suspensory ligament—that runs from the base of your penis to your pelvis. In addition to providing you with some degree of control when you’re erect, SIS, the suspensory ligament also holds some of your dick up and inside the body. Men who want their cocks to look larger when they’re soft and who don’t mind if their hard cocks are harder to control or flop around during intercourse will sometimes have this suspensory ligament cut, which causes the penis to “drop.” Their cocks aren’t as useful for sex, it’s true, but there’s more “observable” cock for other men to admire in locker rooms and at urinals.

“The most dramatic cause of lost ‘observed’ penile length with aging is weight gain,” said Dr. Winter. “As the average guy gains weight, more of his fixed penile length gets hidden, as the crucial sit-bone-to-skin distance gets longer.”

So your dick may not be any smaller than it was in your teens, SIS; it’s just that more of it may be hidden inside your now-middle-aged body thanks to weight gain and that damn ligament.

But, hey, let’s say you’re no thicker today than you were in your teens, and that your arousal levels are constant, and that you’ve kept your apartment at a constant temperature over the decades. Could something be causing your cock to actually shrink?

“The main causes of actual penis shrinkage are having your prostate removed, Peyronie’s disease (plaque development that narrows or bends the penis), or the scarring of erectile tissue, something called corporal fibrosis. SIS would know if he’d had prostate surgery, and he would have a noticeable ‘lump’ or change in erection shape if he had Peyronie’s. So the main concern here is corporal fibrosis. It can be insidious and is usually associated with conditions that make blood vessels unhealthy—like high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. SIS says he’s healthy, but the penis is often the first body part to manifest signs of the above conditions, because it is so dynamic. Which means the penis, wonderfully and tragically, is often the ‘canary in the coal mine’ for cardiovascular health.”

Let’s say your canary is shrinking, SIS. What can you do about it?

“First and foremost, he should realize that far less women would care about his penis length than he does,” said Dr. Winter. “Studies including 52,000 individuals showed that 85 percent of women were satisfied with their partners’ penile length, while only 55 percent of men were satisfied with their own length.”

And unlike you, SIS, the women you sleep with today aren’t going to be comparing the dick you’ve got now with the dick you had (or thought you had) then.

“But if SIS wants to maximize his ‘observed’ penile length, he should shed extra weight—if he’s overweight—and should also check in with his doc for a test of his cholesterol and blood pressure, and a diabetes screen,” said Dr. Winter. “Regular erections do help keep the penis healthy, so if he has some ED, a Viagra (or similar med) can preserve length.”


I am 66 years old and a gay man. After a very promiscuous youth, I have settled down a lot as far as sex and mostly just masturbate, with a trip to the baths every few months.

I have a question about orgasms. I have noted, since I’ve gotten older, that my orgasm from masturbation is very intense and seems to last about five minutes after I ejaculate, during which I feel orgasmic feelings in my penis, legs, and sometimes my whole body. I’ve never had this before. Is this normal?

Mr. Sixty Fucking Six

“The question of normalcy in sexual function is hammered into us from the start—but it’s pejorative and irrelevant,” said Dr. Winter. “As a physician, the relevant question here is: ‘Does MSFS find this distressing or harmful?’ It doesn’t sound like five-minute total-body masturbation-induced orgasms are painful for MSFS, nor are they interfering with his day-to-day quality of life. So by definition, they are ‘nothing to worry about.’ Furthermore, they are not the harbinger of any dangerous medical condition. As you like to say, Dan, this is more of a ‘YAHTZEE!’ than a problem.”

Anecdotal evidence—my own, a huge pile of it, gathered over the years—indicates that you’re something of an outlier, MSFS; most of the older men I hear from with questions about their orgasms are concerned about their slow and steady deterioration, MSFS, not their sudden improvement. (Erections are harder to get; their orgasms are less intense; and their jizz is less abundant.)

But even if this isn’t a problem—even if this is a Yahtzee—what might be going on?

“That’s the far more interesting question: Why is this happening?” said Dr. Winter. “I don’t have a lot of quotable studies on that one, but I have a few thoughts. First off, this may have nothing to do with age and everything to do with his position. Contraction of the muscles in the pelvis and thighs (even calves!), and the muscles at the base of the penis (or clitoris) can contribute to strength of erection and intensity of orgasm, and certain positions may allow more effective muscle ‘recruitment.’ So differences in position or stance during partnered versus masturbatory activities may hold clues for MSFS.”

Another possible explanation—and another definite “Yahtzee!”—is that you’re ever so suddenly multi-orgasmic.

“While it is more common for women to be multi-orgasmic, there are men who can do this, too,” said Dr. Winter. “Longer duration of arousal—common with porn watching—and certain medications that prevent prolactin surge in the brain and strong Kegels (those muscles again!) may lead to the ‘condensed multi-orgasm,’ a phenomenon that may fit the description MSFS is providing.”

But finally and again, MSFS, so long as those powerful, long-lasting, all-body orgasms aren’t diminishing your quality of life, they’re nothing to worry about. Enjoy!

Follow Dr. Ashley Winter on Twitter @AshleyGWinter. Dr. Winter co-hosts The Full Release (thefullreleasepod.com), a terrific, funny and informative sex-and-relationship advice podcast with comedian Mo Mandel.

On the Lovecast—Get on your knees!: savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I’m a 42-year-old single, straight female who recently started dating a 36-year-old man in a somewhat exclusive, long-distance relationship. We have known each other for a short time, but have clocked hours upon hours on the phone.

I have specifically stated many times I don’t want kids of my own (he does), am extremely safety conscious (only when I see someone’s STI results and know we’re 100 percent monogamous will I go “bareback”), and am against hormonal contraception. Therefore, I’ve insisted on the use of condoms since our very first encounter, which he at first reluctantly agreed to, but has since obliged without incident. He is expressively into me and treats me better than any guy I’ve dated; he cooks for me, gives me massages, buys me gifts, showers me with compliments, listens to me at any hour of the night, and has shown nothing but respect toward me since Day 1.

Until our last sexual encounter. He woke me up in the morning clearly aroused and ready for sexy time. He asked if he could enter me, and after I said yes, I grabbed a condom for him, and he put it on. We were spooning at the time, so he entered me from behind. At one point early in the encounter, I reached back to grab his hand, and all of a sudden, I felt the condom he had been wearing laid out on the bed. Shocked and outraged, I immediately stopped and turned to him, asking, “Why did you take this off?” To which he replied, “Because I wanted to cum faster.” All I could muster back was, “Do you have any idea how bad that is? I can’t even look at you.” I covered my eyes and cried uncontrollably for a few minutes.

After getting dressed, showering and exiting without a word, I started to process the atrocity of his actions. It’s clear that he does not respect me, my body, my health or my reproductive choices, and made his physical pleasure his top priority. He has apologized profusely, has been emotional about his actions, and has definite remorse. After sending him several articles on how it’s criminal (including the one about the German man who got eight months in jail for stealthing), he now seems to grasp the severity.

It’s hard to reconcile his consistent respect for me with a bold and disrespectful act like this. The best case is that he’s a dumbass; the worst is that his respect and care for me is all a façade, and I’ve been a fool. Is there any reason I should consider continuing to see this guy? Is it remotely forgivable?

Stealthed On Suddenly

Nope.

Someone is probably gonna jump into the comments thread to make the obvious (and objectively true) point that anything is forgivable. People have forgiven worse—I mean, there are mothers out there who’ve forgiven the people that murdered their children. But moms who’ve found it within themselves to forgive their children’s murderers … yeah, they don’t have to live with, take meals with or sleep with their children’s murderers. I’m not saying that forgiving the person who murdered your kid is easy (I wouldn’t be able to do it), but most people who’ve “forgiven worse” never have to lay eyes on the person they forgave again.

So while it may be true that people have forgiven worse, SOS, I don’t think you should forgive this. And here’s why: You only just started dating this guy, and all the good qualities you listed—everything that made him seem like a good, decent, lovely and possibly loving guy (the cooking, the massages, the compliments, etc.)—make up the kind of best-foot-forward fronting a person does at the start of a new relationship. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, SOS; you wouldn’t want to date someone who didn’t do that at the start … because the kind of person who doesn’t make the effort to impress early in a relationship is the kind of person who can’t be bothered to make any effort later in the relationship. We all erect those façades, SOS, but some people are slapping those façades on slums you wouldn’t wanna live in, while others are slapping them on what turns out to be pretty decent housing. And if I may continue to torture this metaphor: When the first cracks appear in the façade, which they inevitably do, and you get a peek behind it, you aren’t a fool if it turns out there’s a slum there. You’re only a fool if you move in instead of moving on.

Anyway, SOS, everybody fronts, but eventually those façades fall away, and you get to see people for who and what they really are. And the collapse of your new boyfriend’s façade revealed him to be a selfish and uncaring asshole with no respect for your body or your boundaries. He was on his best behavior until he sensed your guard was down, at which point he violated and sexually assaulted you. Those aren’t flaws you can learn to live with or actions you can excuse. Move on.


I am a 27-year-old man in an open marriage with a wonderful partner. They’re my best friend; I smile whenever they walk into the room; and we have a ton in common. We don’t, however, have that much sex.

I’m currently seeing someone else, and our sex is great. We’ve explored some light BDSM and pegging, and I’m finding myself really enjoying being a sub. I’m kind of terrified that, as a man, I might accidentally violate someone’s boundaries. I’m also autistic, which makes navigating cues from partners rather difficult. Completely submitting to someone else weirdly makes me feel totally safe and free for kind of the first time.

The problem is: My spouse is also pretty subby. When they do try to initiate sex, it’s often so subtle that I totally miss the signals. In the past month, I’ve had sex with my spouse maybe once, compared to four or five times with my other partner.

My question is this: Have you seen examples of people in open marriages who essentially fulfill their sexual needs with secondary partners, while still maintaining a happy companionable partnership with their primary?

Sexually Understanding Butt-Boy

I’ve personally known people in loving, happy, sexless marriages who aren’t leading sexless lives; their marriages are companionate—some can even be described as passionate—but both halves seek sexual fulfillment with secondary, tertiary, quaternary, etc., partners. But companionate open marriages only work when it’s what both partners want … and your partner’s feelings are conspicuously absent from your letter.

How do they feel about being in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage? Your spouse would seem to be interested in having sex with you—they occasionally try to initiate—but perhaps your spouse is just going through the motions, because they think it’s what you want. So … you’re gonna need to have a conversation with your spouse about your sex lives. If you’ve found being told what to do in unsubtle ways by your Dominant second partner to be sexually liberating, SUBB, you could ask your spouse to be a little less subtle when they want initiate—or, better yet, ask them not to be subtle at all. Nowhere is it written that subs like you and your spouse need to be subtle or sly or stand there waiting for others to initiate. “I am feeling horny and I’d really like to have sex tonight” is something submissives can and do say.

Hey, Everybody: The deadline is right around the corner to submit short films—five minutes or less—to HUMP!, my dirty little film festival! Your HUMP! film can be hardcore, softcore, live-action, animated, kinky, vanilla, gay, straight, lesbian, trans, enby: Everyone and everything is welcome in HUMP! And HUMP! films are only screened in theaters—we don’t release anything online—so you can be a porn star in a movie theater for a weekend without having to be a porn star for eternity on the internet! The deadline to submit your film is Sept. 13! Go to humpfilmfest.com to find out more about entering HUMP!

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I’m a woman who married young (21), and I’ve been with my husband for seven years. Within the last year, I’ve realized that my falling libido probably comes from the fact that I am not turned-on by our boring vanilla sex routine. I get so little fulfillment that I’d rather not even do it. I’ve tried talking to him, but he says he prefers sex without foreplay or a lot of “complicated stuff.”

I had some great casual sex before we met, but it turns out I’m into BDSM, which I found out when I recently had a short affair. I’ve kept the secret and guilt to myself, but I have told my husband I’m into BDSM. He wants to make me happy, but I can tell he isn’t turned on doing these things. He denies it, because he’s just happy to have sex at all—but a butt plug and a slap on the ass do not a Dom make. I’ve tried to ask him if we can open up our relationship so that I can live out my fantasies. I would like to go to a BDSM club, and he isn’t interested at all. He was very upset and said he’s afraid of losing me if we go. He also felt like I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him he was allowed to say no, and that I wouldn’t leave if he did.

When I was younger, I thought there was something wrong with me, because everyone else wanted monogamy, but it never seemed important to me. I’m not a jealous person, and I wouldn’t mind if he had sex with other people. In fact, the thought of it turns me on, but he says he isn’t interested.

I know he loves me, and I love him. At this point, my only solution has been to suppress this urge to have BDSM sex, but I don’t know if it is a good long-term solution. What should I do? Keep my fantasies to myself? Have another affair or ask him to have an open relationship again? We have a 3-year-old daughter, so I have to make our relationship work.

Want The Hard Truth

Two quick points before I bring out the big guns: First, marrying young is a bad idea. The younger two people are when they marry, according to a veritable mountain of research, the likelier they are to divorce. It makes intuitive sense: The rational part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—isn’t fully formed until age 25. We shouldn’t be picking out wallpaper in our early 20s, WTHT, much less life partners. And second, basic sexual compatibility (BSC) is crucial to the success of sexually exclusive relationships, and it’s a bad idea to scramble your DNA together with someone else’s before BSC has been established.

And with that out of the way …

“WTHT might be surprised to hear she is just a normal woman being a normal woman,” said Wednesday Martin, New York Times best-selling author, cultural critic and researcher. “Like a normal human woman, she is bored after seven years of monogamous sex that isn’t even her kind of sex.”

You mentioned that you used to feel like there was something wrong with you, WTHT, but just in case you have any lingering “what’s wrong with me!” feelings, you’re gonna want to read Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, Martin’s most recent book.

“We know from recent longitudinal studies from Germany, Finland, the U.S., the United Kingdom and Canada that among women only, relationship duration and living together predict lower desire/boredom,” said Martin. “In fact, the Finnish study found that even when they had more/better orgasms, women in monogamous relationships of several years’ duration reported low desire.” A straight man’s desire for his long-term, live-in female partner also decreases over time, but nowhere near as drastically as a woman’s does. “Contrary to what we’ve been taught, monogamy kills it for women, in the aggregate, more than it does for men,” said Martin.

So that’s what we know now—that’s what the research shows—but very few people in the sex-advice-industrial complex have wrestled with the implications. Most advice professionals, from the lowliest advice columnist to the most exalted daytime TV star, have chosen to ignore the research. They continue to tell unhappily sexless couples that they’re either doing something wrong or that they’re broken. If he would just do his fair share of the housework or if she would just have a glass of wine—or pop a “female Viagra,” if big pharma could come up with one that works, which (spoiler alert) they never will—they’d be fucking like they did the night they met. Not only isn’t this advice helpful; it’s harmful: He does more housework; she drinks more wine; nothing changes; and the couple feels like there’s something wrong with them. In reality, nothing’s wrong. It’s not about a more equitable division of housework (always good!) or drinking more wine (also but not always good!); it’s about the desire for novelty, variety and adventure.

Zooming in for a second: The big issue here is that you got bored. No foreplay? Nothing complicated? Even if you were 100 percent vanilla, that shit would get tedious after a few years. Or minutes. After risking your marriage to treat your boredom (the affair), you asked your husband to shake things up—to fight sexual boredom with you—by incorporating BDSM into your sex life, by going to BDSM clubs, and by at least considering the possibility of opening up your marriage. (Ethically this time.) And while he’s made a small effort where BDSM is concerned (butt plugs, slapping your ass), your husband ruled out BDSM clubs and openness. But since he’s only going through the BDSM motions because he’s just “happy to have sex at all,” what he is doing isn’t working for you. And it’s probably not working for him, either.

At bottom, WTHT, what you’re saying—to me, if not to your husband—is that you’re gonna need to do BDSM with other people if your husband doesn’t get better at it, which is something he might learn to do at the BDSM club he refuses to go to. Which means he has it backwards: He risks losing you if he doesn’t go.

“She once put her marriage at risk to get BDSM,” said Martin. “WTHT’s husband doesn’t need to know about the affair, in my view, and he doesn’t need to become the world’s best Dom. But he owes her acknowledgment that her desires matter. Get to that baseline, and other things tend to fall into place more easily. The discussion about monogamy becomes easier. The discussion about needing to be topped becomes easier. Working out a solution becomes easier.”

I’m not suggesting that an open relationship is the solution for every bored couple, and neither is Martin. There are lots of legitimate reasons why two people might prefer for their relationship to be or remain monogamous. But two people who commit to being sexually exclusive for the rest of their lives and at the same time wanna maintain a satisfying sex life—and, open or closed, couples with satisfying sex lives are likelier to stay together—need to recognize that boredom is their mortal enemy. And while the decision should be mutual, and while “ultimatum” is a scary word, in some instances, bringing in reinforcements isn’t just the best way to fight boredom; it’s the only way to save the relationship.

A couple of weeks back, I told a frustrated husband that his cuckolding kink may have to be put on the back burner while his children are young. The same goes for you, WTHT. But at the very least, your husband has to recognize the validity of your desires and put more effort into pleasing you.

“In straight culture, people tend to define sex as intercourse, because intercourse is what gets men off, and we still privilege male pleasure,” said Martin. “But seen through a lens of parity, what WTHT wants is not ‘foreplay’ or ‘complicated stuff.’ It’s sex, and the sooner her husband lets go of this intercourse = sex fetish of his, and acknowledges that her pleasure matters as much as his does, the sooner he’ll be a real partner to his wife.”

For the record: A relationship doesn’t have to be open to be exciting; BDSM doesn’t have to be crazy complicated to be satisfying; and date night doesn’t have to mean dinner and a movie. Date night can mean a visit to a BDSM club where your husband can learn, through observation alone (at least for now), how to be a better Dom.

You can find Wednesday Martin on Twitter @WednesdayMartin. You can find her books, blog posts, videos, and more at wednesdaymartin.com.

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I am a bi, white, married man—35 years old and living in a big Midwestern city. I’d like to know what’s going on in my psyche—from a sex-research perspective.

I’ve been hung up on cuckold fantasies with my female partner for years now. I’m a creative person, and I’m especially fond of creative fantasizing in bed, and my partner enjoys this as well. But nine times out of 10, I’m spinning a yarn about her fucking other men, whether it’s a threesome, cuckolding with me watching, or her going out on dates and coming home a delicious mess. These fantasies took an unexpected turn when I asked her to share stories about people she fucked in the past. She obliged—and holy shit, was I turned on. The only unfortunate thing is that she did not have many great sexual experiences in the past, so she feels like there is not a lot to share. Anyway, we have an amazing sex life, obviously, and I feel no shame whatsoever about these fantasies or how turned on her memories make us. I’m just curious as to why it turns me on so much. I know others have similar kinks, but it seems so antithetical to the heteronormative expectations of what I should be turned on by.

Any ideas?

Fantasies Reliably Enhance Every Dalliance

“‘Why am I like this?’ questions are always rabbit holes,” said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author and sex researcher. “We create rich, satisfying stories that are really just a form of mental masturbation—no bust on masturbation—when the truth is, at least at this point, we really have no clear idea why people have any of the unique sexual fantasies they do.”

Dr. Ley literally wrote the book on cuckolding: Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.

One popular explanation for why being cuckolded might turn a man on—why knowing his wife or girlfriend had fucked someone else (or was fucking someone else in front of him) might turn a guy on—was the “sperm competition” theory. To quickly summarize: A man who suspects his female partner recently had sex with another male—and whose reptile brain believes the other man’s semen might be “present” inside her—will have a more powerful and voluminous orgasm when he next mates with his female partner in an effort to “flood out” his competitor’s semen. For a time, many sex researchers theorized that male swingers and cuckolds were subconsciously inducing “sperm competition” reactions—i.e., they were in it for the more-powerful orgasms.

“Unfortunately, much of the research into sperm competition is now suspect, due to a failure to replicate many of these findings,” said Dr. Ley. “So to a degree, we’re now saying, ‘You know, it’s complicated. Everyone is different, and there are no simple answers.’”

And now that we’ve said that, FREED, Dr. Ley, who has worked with many cuckold couples, has noticed patterns—and he’s willing to put out some alternative theories of his own.

“Many cuckolds have a desire to engage bisexually with other men, using their wife’s body as a sort of proxy,” said Dr. Ley. “Given that FREED is a bi male in a heterosexual relationship, these cuckold fantasies might be a way for him to express his bisexuality while including his wife. Additionally, vicarious erotic fulfillment is often a central component in many cuckold fantasies. This goes beyond simple voyeurism—and FREED’s comment about his wife’s regret at not having enough sexual experiences to share offers us a clue in this direction. Many cuckolds celebrate their partners being sexually unrestrained. FREED might just be turned on by the idea of his wife cutting loose and sharing that supercharged erotic energy with other partners—past, present and future.”

Finally, FREED, I wanted to add a “ding, ding, ding” to something you mentioned at the end of your letter: The erotic power of doing something that seems antithetical to the heteronormative and/or vanilla-normative expectations heaped on us by culture, religion, family, etc., should never be underestimated. While not everyone is turned on by the thought of transgressing against sexual or social norms, a significant percentage is. So long as our normative-busting transgressive turn-ons can be realized with other consenting adults, we should worry less about the “why” and more about the “when,” “where” and “how.” (Now, in private, and safely!)

Follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.


I’m a 35-year-old married man with two beautiful small children. I knew I was a cuckold before I met my wife. As soon as things got somewhat serious, I made this very clear, as I had learned repeatedly that my desire for a cuckold relationship almost certainly spelled doom. While we were dating, she cuckolded me multiple times and seemed very accepting of the idea. I was in heaven, as I finally felt accepted for me. I remember very clearly on the day of our elopement discussing that this was more than a kink for me—it was central to my sexuality, and I needed her buy-in before committing for life.

We played a time or two after we got married, but my wife’s interest in the lifestyle greatly decreased. After we had children (the first child four years ago), her interest in cuckolding evaporated. It’s entirely gone. I accepted this for some time due to having young children. When I broached the subject recently, she expressed legitimate concerns around STIs, pregnancy and being “found out” by friends/family. But this is something I need, as I made clear before we married. It’s not just a “kink” for me.

I love my wife, and I don’t want to pressure her into having sex with others, but I’m hurt and frustrated. I can’t help but feel like I had a bait-and-switch pulled on me. What do I do? Be thankful for the things I do have? Ask to go to a sex-positive therapist? Ask for a divorce? I’m lost, hurt, confused and angry.

Cuckold Has Understandable Regrets Now

Cuckolding may be something you need, CHURN, but it’s something you’re asking the wife to do. And the doing presents more risks for her—the risks of STIs and pregnancy fall entirely on her, as she pointed out. And if people were to find out (or suspect) she was sleeping around, the “shame” and potential social ostracism would fall entirely on her, too. Even if you were to tell anyone who found out that it was consensual and/or that you were a cuckold, it’s not like she wouldn’t still be shamed or ostracized. Judgmental family and friends would just heap equal portions of shame on you, too.

To your credit, CHURN, you acknowledged the legitimacy of your wife’s concerns. And I’m going to acknowledge the legitimacy of your frustrations: You told her before you eloped that you needed this to be happy, and she didn’t just agree to it; she was (or seemed) enthused about it. I might be inclined to see this as a bait-and-switch myself if you didn’t have children. Even the most adventurous people—sexual or otherwise—tend to become risk-averse when their children are young, and I imagine your wife is currently some combo of highly risk-averse and completely overwhelmed. (Hey, are you doing your fair share of the housework and child care?)

Instead of threatening to divorce her (which would amount to pressuring her), I would encourage you to find a sex-positive counselor who can help you two talk about what your sex life can look like once your children are a little older. If she can express it without being expected to act on it tomorrow, my hunch is your wife can see cuckolding you again once your kids are older. Since finding women who are into this isn’t easy, as you already know, it would be in your own self-interest to take the long view and be patient.

In the meantime, CHURN, content yourself with hot memories of all the times the wife cuckolded you in the past—and hot dirty talk about all the times she’s going cuckold you in the future.

On the Lovecast, summer sex toys with Erika Moen: savagelovecast.com.

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My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 11 years. His best friend is one of his exes, and that has always bothered me. What do I do?

Needing Guidance After Getting Engaged

You could make up your mind to get over it, NGAGE. Or you could threaten to break off the engagement unless your fiancé cuts his best friend out of his life. That would be an asshole move—an emotionally manipulative asshole power move. But, hey, you wouldn’t be the first person to wait for the moment of maximum leverage before telling your partner that, despite what you led them to believe (or allowed them to assume), they are going to have to choose between their best friend(s) and the person they’re about to marry or just married.

Fair warning: If you issue that ultimatum, and your fiancé (or husband) writes in and asks me what to do, I’m going to tell him to leave you.


I’m a 58-year-old happily married gay man, and I have a well-hidden kink that I’ve had since childhood: I get off on destructive, city-smashing giants—think of Godzilla as a muscular man smashing things with his dick. Since this is impossible to realize, I rely on drawings and other images.

After Tumblr removed the adult content, I found my way to newer websites. Some featured manga-style drawings of giant prepubescent boys. I’ve NEVER experienced any attraction to children, but these cartoons are a turn-on. Does lusting after cartoon images of boys make me a pedophile?

Freaky Erotic Art Requires Serious Self-Scrutiny

If you aren’t sexually attracted to children, FEARSSS, you aren’t a pedophile. Pedophilia is not something a non-pedophile drifts into after viewing a little squicky manga. Pedophilia, according to the best and most current research, is a hardwired sexual orientation—one that can never be acted on for moral and ethical reasons.

That said, I would urge you to avoid viewing or downloading this stuff. It’s illegal in the United States (and lots of other places) to possess drawings or computer-generated images of children that depict “a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct,” per federal law. I don’t know whether your local prosecutor would consider viewing drawings of giant prepubescent boys smashing buildings with their dicks as a criminal offense, but I’m sure you don’t want to find out. Avoid those websites.


I understand the pleasure received by the “suckee,” but I need help understanding what benefit or pleasure the “sucker” derives from the exchange. Is it the taste of come?

Confusion Over Cocky Knobblers

We do it for the glory, COCK, and that warm feeling that comes over us when we can look up and say, “Emission accomplished.” (Sorry about that.)


Where can a gal go to find reluctant/nonconsensual porn that isn’t overly rapey? I really love power play (think “naughty secretary gets punished”)—but when I look for reluctant/nonconsensual porn, I often come across male-perspective rape fantasies. I’d love to wank to a video or story about a woman reluctantly enjoying herself while her aggressor fucks her up the ass, but every search is fraught with the perils of finding something truly rapey. And that just makes me feel sad and icky. I’m willing to spend money if I trust the source. I just don’t know where to look! Is the issue with my keywords? Help!

Really Enjoys Specific Pornographic E-Content, Thanks

“This is one of the things people don’t understand about ethical and feminist porn—it’s not just soft lighting and sweet lovemaking,” said Tristan Taormino, the feminist author, sex educator, podcaster and porn director (tristantaormino.com). “Ethical and feminist porn can also have an edge and feature power play, so long as there’s consent. My series ‘Rough Sex,’ which has three volumes, is all about real women’s kink fantasies, and there will be something in there for RESPECT (you can find it on gamelink.com). In addition, I recommend bellesa.co, where she can use the search term ‘rough,’ and xconfessions.com, where she should search for ‘BDSM.’”


I’ve written before to ask if there is a newspaper or online publication that translates Savage Love into Spanish. If there is, I can’t find it. I can hardly believe no one does this. Can you give me a simple answer, please?

Something’s Lost In Translation

Simple answers are my specialty, SLIT. As far as I know, my column isn’t translated into Spanish. But it can be read in Italian in Internazionale (internazionale.it), the weekly Italian newsmagazine. (I have to give a shout-out to Matteo Colombo, who does an amazing job of translating my slang-laden, neologism-packed column into Italian every week! Thanks, Matteo!)


I’m a 57-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. I have some erection problems that are helped by ED meds. The issue is I haven’t told my girlfriend I’m taking them. I take a pill when we are together “just in case,” but this is costly, and the resulting lack of spontaneity makes me anxious. Also, I feel like I’m holding on to this secret.

Please Send Advice

Call your girlfriend. It’s time you had the talk. Give her your reasons. Tell her it’s not her fault—and, really, it’s not her fault or yours. Men don’t take boner pills because they aren’t attracted to (or horny for) their partners, as some fear. The reality is quite the opposite: Horny men take ED meds. She may need to hear it a few times before it sinks in, PSA, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. And, if she enjoys the sex, she should be as grateful for these meds as you are—and she shouldn’t want you to waste them any more than you do.


I’m a bi guy in my late 20s. I date women and occasionally hook up with guys. In between, I have toys. My question has to do with something that happens when I’m using a dildo and stimulating my prostate: During intense stimulation … I pee (I think)? My confusion lies in the fact that what comes out is clear and doesn’t smell like urine. I know there’s a debate about female squirting and whether it’s urine, but I’m still very confused. But is this normal for a man? Should I worry?

Leaking Everywhere And Knowing It’s Not Good

Your dildo isn’t just stimulating your prostate gland, which produces the milky fluid that comes flying out of your cock when you ejaculate, but your Cowper’s glands as well. The Cowper’s glands are located just under your prostate, and they produce a clear fluid, aka “pre-come,” that basically flushes out your urethra during arousal. Urine is acidic, and acids can harm sperm cells. So pre-come neutralizes whatever acids might be lurking in your urethra—basically, pre-come makes sure your urethra is a safe space for your sperm cells. Some men produce very little pre-come; some men produce buckets of it; and some men produce more under particular circumstances. Don’t worry, LEAKING, just enjoy.

On the Lovecast, work questions on the podcast?! Yup. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a man with a very liberal background. Recently, a girl I started dating—a girl from a similar background—mentioned that she has “a thing for black guys.” She also met my childhood best friend, a man of Korean descent, and commented to me that she found him handsome despite not typically being attracted to Asian guys.

The position that I’ve always held is that we’re attracted to individuals, not types, and it’s wrong to have expectations of people based on race—especially when it comes to sexualizing/fetishizing people. I think we should date and have sex with whomever we want and not carry prejudiced expectations into our relationships. I am worried she sees black men as stereotypes of athleticism, confidence and the other complicated constructions we’ve made about the black body, like black men having bigger dicks. I also worry that she might see me as less masculine and less well-endowed because of my race.

I eventually asked her about these issues, and we had a tense conversation. I tried to ask if she had ever checked herself for possible prejudice where her sexual desires are concerned, and she shut the conversation down by accusing me of trying to control her. I reassured her that I wasn’t trying to control her, but it is possible I was projecting the insecurity her comments stirred in me into the conversation. I’m trying to balance two components: my own insecurity and the possibility that she’s holding a legitimately prejudiced opinion that makes me uncomfortable.

Any advice?

Seeking To Interrogate Newish Girlfriend’s Statements

It’s a big leap from, “I have a thing for black guys,” to, “White guys aren’t masculine or well-endowed,” STINGS, and you made that leap on your own. So in addition to confronting your new girlfriend about her attitudes and assumptions … you might want to give some thought to your own?

That said, the things your girlfriend has said about black and Asian men are legit problematic. When someone describes their attraction to a certain group, racial or otherwise, as “a thing,” that usually means they see members of that group as things—and in a society that dehumanizes black people, white people can easily come to see black people as objects.

As for her comment about your Korean friend: Prevailing beauty standards shape our ideas about attractiveness, and those standards are shaped by our rabidly racist culture. A person socialized to only recognize the beauty of men or women of European descent may not even consider—they may not even be able to perceive—the attractiveness of people who aren’t white. And then when someone of a different race does manage to make a blip on their sex radar, it comes as a surprise. But instead of reconsidering their ideas about attractiveness, a dumb fucking white person—even one from a liberal background—is likelier to say something stupid like, “I don’t usually find Asian guys hot, but your Korean friend is attractive,” rather than rethinking their assumptions about their desires. Declaring one Asian guy an exception allows someone like your girlfriend to have her racist cake (“I don’t find Asian guys hot”) and eat it too (“But this Asian guy is hot”).

It’s a shame your girlfriend reacted defensively when you tried to bring all this up, STINGS, but sometimes people react defensively in the moment and then keep thinking about it. My advice: Keep bringing it up—but it would help if you owned your own shit during these conversations (and you have some shit of your own) rather than just self-righteously going after your girlfriend for her shit.

I have to say, though, I disagree with you on one thing: People do have types, and there’s nothing wrong with having types. It’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether our “types” are actually ours and not just assigned to us by conventional standards of beauty (white, slim, young) or a thoughtless/fetishizing reaction to those standards (a desire to transgress with nonwhite, larger or older folks).


I’m a middle-aged African-American man. I’m single. I dress well; I’m fit; I cycle to work; I eat healthy, etc. I live in a basement apartment on a narrow street in a large city. My only window faces the street.

After showering, and pretty much whenever I’m home, I’m naked while walking around my apartment. A young white couple moved in across the street, and they have an unobstructed view into my apartment. At first, I would notice the woman standing at the window looking my way as I toweled off. Then the male as well. And when I masturbate, which I sometimes do after a shower, I noticed them both making several passes by their windows to look. Later, I noticed the male coming out late in the evening when the view into my apartment is at its optimum to watch me masturbate. He seems very interested. The woman will come outside and sit on the steps in the morning and look directly into my apartment at me while drinking her coffee. More than once, she has run her hand up the inside of her thigh as she’s watching. Also I’ve noticed that their shades, which used to be closed most of the time, are always wide open with lights on so I can clearly see them in their apartment.

I’m sure the woman knows that I want her—and the male seems to be exhibiting bi tendencies (something I’m not interested in at all). In your opinion, are these two a voyeur couple or a submissive cuckold couple? How should I approach to seduce? If she’s sitting on her steps, can I go over and say, “Good morning,” to break the ice? The other day, I left just as she was going out, and we walked past each other. I thought about saying something, but I don’t want to appear to be chasing her.

And what’s up with the guy?

Display Attracts Neighbors’ Glazed Looks Everyday

I once dated a guy who was arrested in his own apartment at 10 in the morning for masturbating in front of an open window. Granted, he lived across the street from a school (a university, not a middle school), and that may have had something to do with it. But he was a white guy, DANGLE, and considering all the ways African-American men are targeted by the police, I feel obligated to warn you—well, I feel obligated to warn you about something you already know: Cops are always looking for an excuse to arrest or harass a black man, and your exhibitionism could attract the attentions not just of horny neighbors, but also the authorities.

That said, DANGLE, if everything is as you describe it—if this isn’t a case of dickful thinking on your part—it sounds like this couple is interested. “Interest” is a spectrum, of course, and they could find it interesting to live across the street from a hot, in-shape exhibitionist, and difficult to look away, without actually wanting to be fucked (her) or be cuckolded (him) by you. But if they’re staring into your apartment while you walk around naked and throwing open the curtains so you can stare into theirs, I’d say the ice has already been broken. So say hello the next time you run into them on the street. Keep that first convo light, neighborly and nonsexual, and see where it leads. But if during that first convo, they invite you over for a beer sometime … well, that’s a Yahtzee. But even then, don’t make any assumptions or sudden moves: Use your words; draw them out; make sure everyone is on the same page.

As for the guy: Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he’s a cuck. Maybe he’s the woman’s gay roommate. There’s only one way to find out what’s up with him: Say hello, and get to know them.

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I’m a single gay guy in my late 30s. I’m quite introverted and a bit shy, yet I have a big sexual drive and a rich libido. I’ve always found the gay scene overwhelming, and my several attempts at online dating were not very successful. I feel my quiet ways tend to put people off, and I hardly ever get the chance to show my more playful or crazy sides, as it takes me a bit to feel comfortable to show those. Whenever I was able to, my partners were usually pleasantly surprised, and we could enjoy plenty of fun, but I can count these occasions on the fingers of one hand. I feel most guys just stop at my gentle disposition and assume I must be a bit boring if not a prude altogether.

Turns out I actually have quite a few kinks—bondage being one of them—but so far, I have hardly been able to explore them with a partner. Often those drawn to me haven’t really been of the sexually adventurous kind. By my looks, I don’t really fit into any of the “tribes” that a lot of gay men identify with. Part of me doesn’t care, but at the same time, I find myself on the outside looking in when searching for a nice guy for a date or more.

Would you have any kind of advice to crack this shell of mine open?

Always Looked Over, Never Embraced

The next time you find yourself on the outside looking in, ALONE, take a moment to look around. Because that small scrum of guys who fit neatly into whatever gay tribe happens to be dominating the bar/ pool/whatever—the guys on the inside looking at themselves or looking at their phones or looking at themselves on their phones—are usually surrounded by a much larger group of guys who don’t fit neatly into that particular tribe or any other obvious tribe. And if the guys looking longingly at the easy-and-obvious tribe would look around, they’d see a whole lot of guys like them—guys who might be feeling a little awkward or out of place, guys who are attractive in perhaps less-conventional or immediately apparent ways, guys with hidden depths, etc. In other words, ALONE, guys like you.

And speaking of guys like you, did you know you have a motherfucking superpower that makes you a member of all gay tribes and your own unique tribe?

“Bondage is the great unifier among kinksters,” said Joshua Boyd, a gay bondage “enthusiast,” as they say, in his mid-30s who lives and ties in the Seattle area. “Bondage guys are from all walks of life, and they range from twinks to muscle guys to bears, cubs, jocks and average Joes.”

So just as you’ll find gay guys in every race, ethnic group, economic class, faith community, etc., bondage guys can be found in every gay tribe, and bondage guys make up their own unique tribe.

“ALONE should put any search for a long-term relationship on hold and look for more casual, kinky fun,” said Boyd. “Recon (recon.com) has always been a good place for me to start conversations with fun guys—I even met my husband there. The bottom line is there are others who share his interests, and they are waiting to connect with him.”

But you’re shy! You’re introverted! Connecting is hard! Boyd describes himself the same way—shy, introverted, with difficultly connecting—and not only is he married, ALONE; he doesn’t lack for casual play partners, and he’s got play pics all over the internet to prove it.

Tyger Yoshi also describes himself as shy and introverted—and I recently watched shy, introverted Yoshi do a bondage demo at Trade, a gay leather bar in Denver, where he suspended a guy from the ceiling.

“When I first started exploring my interest in bondage, I was lucky enough to be in a city where opportunities were plentiful, even for a shy, introverted person like me,” said Yoshi, who’s also in his mid-30s. “There were people who wanted to mentor me, but I struggled taking that first step of accepting help.”

The kind of help Yoshi is referring to—the kind of help he eventually accepted—can most easily be found at munches, i.e., casual meet-ups where kinky people, both queer and straight, socialize and connect with other like-minded kinksters. (Munches ≠ play parties.) Spend five seconds on Google, ALONE, and you’ll also find kinky educational organizations that offer classes for people who want to hone their bondage skills while learning about consent, safety and other best practices. And whether you’re a bondage top (you want to tie) or a bondage bottom (you want to be tied) or a switch (tie and be tied), you’ll make friends in bondage classes. And if you wind up clicking with someone, that person isn’t going to assume you’re a prude (they met you at a bondage class), and that person will definitely be sexually adventurous (you met them at a bondage class). And unlike gay bars or clubs, a person’s skills are just as important as their looks at gay bondage parties and events.

“After you start making connections and building your circle, find local fetish/kink events that are happening around you—you may need to reach out to the pansexual community—and see if one of your new friends from the munch or the class or Recon is willing to go with you to check it out,” said Yoshi. “And as you start exploring more of your kink side, consider the possibility of separating kink and sex at first. Let people know that you are interested in bondage but haven’t tried much and you want to practice. Having an exploratory or practice session is much different than having a bondage-sex session, and people may be more willing to facilitate that exploration. And from my experience, if you’re able to get up the courage to go out to a kink play party (with a friend for support), the likelihood of finding someone who’s willing to assist in new or first-time experiences increases.”

So, ALONE, that thing you’ve been holding back until you get to know someone? Your interest in bondage? Lead with that. Get involved in the kink scene; work on your skill set; be friendly and open—be the nice guy—and you’ll meet lots of men you have something in common with. Trust me: Your tribe is out there.

You can follow Joshua Boyd on Twitter @seabndgsadist. You can find Tyger Yoshi on Twitter and Instagram @tygeryoshi.


Is having sex with multiple partners something prevalent in the gay community? If so, why? It seems that having sex is a pretty big deal with gay men. Why?

You Won’t Answer

Gay men are men, YWA, and let’s not kid ourselves: Yes, the average gay guy has more sex partners than the average straight guy. But straight men would do everything gay men do if straight men could, but straight men can’t, because women won’t. It’s not that straight guys are any less interested in sex than gay guys are or that sex is any less of a “big deal” for straight men. And you know what? Women are just as horny and just as interested in sex as men—gay, straight or bi—and that includes sex with multiple partners. But women have to weigh every choice they make and every truth they tell against the very real threat of sexual violence at the hands of straight men and the lesser threat of being slut-shamed by straight men and other women. (Shout-out to the asexual gay, straight and bi men and women out there who aren’t interested in sex with anyone—I don’t mean to erase you, but I’m talking averages here—the centers of various bell curves, not deviations.)

On the Lovecast, this show is soooo gay: savagelovecast.com.

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