CVIndependent

Fri10182019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I found your column after a Google search. I saw your e-mail address at the bottom and was hoping for some insight.

My issue is this: Two years into our 23-year marriage, my wife declared that she didn’t want to kiss me or perform oral on me. Several years ago, she had an affair and confessed that she not only kissed this other person but performed oral on them as well.

Why them and not me? Should I just go find someone willing to do what I want? I have a high sex drive, but I find that I don’t want to sleep with my wife anymore, because there is never any foreplay, and a few minutes into it, she’s telling me to hurry up. I don’t feel wanted, and honestly, I no longer desire her. What do you make of this?

Hurting Unwanted Husband

Before telling you what I make of your e-mail, HUH, I want to tell you what I wish I could make out of your e-mail: a time machine. If I could turn all those pixels and code and whatever else into a working time machine, I’d drag your ass back to 1996 (and try to talk you out of marrying your wife) or 1998 (and try to talk you into leaving her after two years of marriage). But since time machines aren’t a thing—at least not yet—we’ll have to talk about the here and now.

Your wife isn’t attracted to you, and never was, or hasn’t been for a long, long time. And now the feeling is mutual—you aren’t attracted to her anymore, either. And if you’re seriously wondering why she kissed and blew that other person—the person with whom she had an affair—when she hasn’t wanted to kiss or blow you for 20-plus years (“Why them and not me?”), HUH, the answer is as painful as it is obvious: Your wife was attracted to her affair partner (that’s why them) and she’s not attracted to you (that’s why not you).

Now, it’s possible your wife was attracted to you a long time ago; I assume she was kissing and blowing you while you were dating and during the couple dozen months of marriage. (She wouldn’t have to announce she was going to stop doing those things if she’d never started.) But at some point relatively early in your marriage, HUH, your wife’s desire to swallow your spit and inhale your dick evaporated. It’s possible her desire to swallow/inhale the spit/dick of her affair partner would have evaporated in roughly the same amount of time, and she would have lost interest in him and his dick and his spit as well. Some people have a hard time sustaining desire over time—and contrary to popular belief, women have a harder time sustaining desire in committed, romantic relationships than men do. (Wednesday Martin wrote an entire New York Times best-selling book about it, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.)

Of course, it’s possible your wife isn’t the problem. You may have said or done something that extinguished your wife’s desire for you. Or, hey, maybe your personal hygiene leaves everything to be desired. (I’ve received countless letters over the years from women whose husbands refuse to brush their teeth and/or can’t wipe their asses properly.) Or maybe you’re emotionally distant or cold or contemptuous or incredibly shitty in bed. Or maybe you’re not the problem! I don’t know you, HUH, and other than the very few details you included your very brief letter, I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage.

But I do know this: If you can leave, HUH, you most likely should. But if you decide to stay because you want to stay, or because leaving is unthinkable for cultural or religious or financial reasons … well, since your wife hasn’t wanted to fuck you for decades, and since you no longer want to fuck your wife, you should release each other from the monogamous commitment you made more than two decades ago. If you can adjust your expectations—if you can both agree to define your marriage as companionate, i.e., you’re friends and life partners, not romantic or sexual partners—you may be able to appreciate your marriage for what it is. But to do that, you’ll have to let go of the anger and disappointment you feel over what it’s not.

And to be clear: If your marriage is companionate, you should both be free to seek sex with outside partners.


Simple question, probably not a simple answer: How do you keep things exciting once the shiny, new phase of a relationship is over? Is it normal to reach a stage where you know someone so well that they’ve become boring? Isn’t that just the fucking worst?

Same Old, Same Old

Recognizing that some people actually enjoy boring—I have it on good authority that some people can get a thrill knitting sweaters and sitting still—there is something the rest of us can do to keep things exciting once the shiny, new phase of a relationship is over: Go on strange and exciting new adventures together. Early on in the relationship, SOSO, your new partner was your exciting new adventure, and you were theirs. But now instead of being the exciting new adventure, you have to figure out what exciting new adventures you’d like to go on together—and then get out there, and go on them.


I’m a young, nonbinary ethical slut, and I have a question about a kink that one of my partners is discovering. We are very close, although we are not sexually active with each other at this point. (We are currently long-distance.) She has another partner with whom she is currently exploring “little” play. I feel personally uncomfortable with age-regression play, but I obviously want to be supportive and understanding. We have fairly good communication, and I am able to tell her when I feel uncomfortable and that I still love and support her, but I just can’t talk about “little” play at the time. I would love to be able to talk about it with her and be supportive, and at the very least make sure I don’t say anything ignorant or hurtful to her.

My question is this: How can I stretch my zone of comfort and learn about this kink in a healthy and educated way?

A Little Uncomfortable

If you want to get more comfortable discussing “little” play, i.e., adults pretending to be small children with other consenting adults, the Dream a Little podcast is a good place to start. It’s hosted by Lo, an AB/DL (adult baby/diaper lover) who has been a guest on my own podcast and who recently made an appearance in the column offering advice to a sad and lonely AB/DL.

That said, ALU, you aren’t obligated to listen to your partner talk about this kink if the topic makes you uncomfortable—or just bores you senseless. Tell her that you support her and you know it’s exciting to explore a new kink, and while she doesn’t have to hide this from you, it’s not something you’re comfortable—at least for now—discussing at length.

On the Lovecast, Stéphane Deschênes on living the nudist life: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’ve been married to my husband for two years. Five months into our relationship (before we got married), he confessed that he was an adult baby. I was so grossed out; I was literally ill. (Why would this great guy want to be like this?) I told him he would have to choose: diapers or me. He chose me. I believed him and married him.

Shortly before the birth of our child, I found out that he’d been looking at diaper porn online. I lost it. He apologized and said he’d never look at diaper porn again. Once I was free to have sex again after the birth, it was like he wasn’t into it. When I asked what the deal was, he told me he wasn’t into sex because diapers weren’t involved. I broke down, and he agreed to talk to a counselor. But on the day we were supposed to go, he was mad about every little thing I did and then said he wasn’t going! I went crazy and called his mom and told her everything, and she said she found a diaper under his bed when he was 7!

After this crisis, he agreed to work things out, but then I found adult-size diapers in the house—and not for the first time! I took a picture and sent it to him, and he told me that he was tired of me controlling him, and he is going to do this when he wants. He also said he was mad at me for telling his mom. I told him no, absolutely not; he cannot do this. Then I found adult-size diapers in the house again this morning and freaked out. He says he never wants to discuss diapers with me again, and I’m afraid he might choose them over me!

Please give me advice on how to make him understand that this is not him! This is who he chooses to be! And he doesn’t have to be this way!

Married A Disgusting Diaper Lover

First, MADDL, let’s calmly discuss this with a shrink.

“There’s a fair bit of controversy over whether people can suppress fetishistic desires like this—and whether it’s healthy to ask them to do so,” said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “Personally, I believe in some cases, depending on the support of their environment and personal relationships, it is possible, but only when these desires are relatively mild in intensity.”

Your husband’s interest in diapers—which would seem to go all the way back to at least age 7—can’t be described as mild.

“Given the apparent strength and persistence of her husband’s interest, I think it unlikely that suppression could ever be successful,” said Dr. Ley. “In this case, I think MADDL’s desire for her husband to have sexual desires she agrees with in order for her to be married to him is a form of sexual extortion, i.e., ‘If you love me and want to be with me, you’ll give up this sexual interest that I find disgusting.’ Without empathy; mutual respect; communication; unconditional love; and a willingness to negotiate and accommodate compromises and win-win solutions, this couple is doomed, regardless of diapers under the bed.”

Now let’s bring in a voice you rarely hear when diaper fetishists are being discussed: an actual diaper fetishist.

“The common misconception with ABDL (adult baby diaper lovers) is that they are into inappropriate things—like having an interest in children—and this couldn’t be more wrong,” said Pup Jackson, a 20-something diaper lover and kink educator. “AB is not always sexual. Sometimes it’s a way for a person to disconnect from their adult life and become someone else. With DLs, they aren’t necessarily into age play—they enjoy diapers and the way they feel, much like people enjoy rubber, Lycra or other materials. To understand her husband, MADDL needs to ask questions about why her husband enjoys diapers and figure out how to deal with it—because a lot of people want/need these kinds of outlets in their life.”

OK, MADDL, now it’s time for me to share my thoughts with you, but—Christ almighty—I hardly know where to begin.

“Great guys” can be into diapers; this is not who your husband “chooses to be,” since people don’t choose their kinks any more than they choose their sexual orientation; outing your husband to his mother was unforgivable and could ultimately prove to be a fatal-to-your-marriage violation of trust; a counselor isn’t going to be able to reach into your husband’s head and yank out his kink. (“I absolutely hate that therapists are seen as sexual enforcers who are supposed to carve away any undesirable sexual interests and make people ‘normal,’” said Dr. Ley.)

You’re clearly not interested in understanding your husband’s kink, per Pup Jackson’s advice, nor are you open to working out an accommodation that allows your husband to explore his kink on his own, per Dr. Ley’s advice. Instead, you’ve convinced yourself that if you pitch a big enough fit, your husband will choose a spouse who makes him feel terrible about himself over a kink that gives him pleasure. And that’s not how this is going to play out.

Your husband told you he was into diapers before he married you—he laid his kink cards on the table at five months, long before you scrambled your DNA together—and he backed down when you freaked out. He may have thought he could choose you over his kink, MADDL, but now he knows what Dr. Ley could’ve told you two before the wedding: Suppressing a kink just isn’t possible. So if you can’t live with the diaper-lover you married—if you can’t accept his kink, allow him to indulge it on his own, and refrain from blowing up when you stumble onto any evidence—do that diaper-loving husband of yours a favor, and divorce him.

Follow Dr. David Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey and Pup Jackson on Twitter @pupjacksonbitez.


I’m a 33-year-old man, and for years, I’ve practiced edging. Recently, I’ve experimented with long-term edges, where I’ll withhold coming for days or weeks while still maintaining a daily masturbation practice. I love living on that horny edge, and I’ve even learned to love the ache in my balls. But is this safe? Am I setting myself up for prostate/testicular trouble down the road?

Priapus Precipice

A study conducted by researchers from Boston University School of Public Health and Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health found that men who masturbated at least 21 times per month—masturbated and ejaculated—were at a lower risk of developing prostate cancer than men who ejaculated less than 21 times per month (“Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer,” European Urology). Read the study, PP; weigh the slightly increased risks against the immediate (and horny) rewards; and make an informed (and horny) choice.


HEY, EVERYBODY: We’ve got rainbow ITMFA T-shirts and tank tops in time for Pride, and you can order them at ImpeachTheMotherFuckerAlready.com! ITMFA T-shirts and tanks—and buttons and hats and lapel pins—are a great conversation starter. Wear one to a party or bar or parade, and people will ask you what ITMFA stands for—and then you get to tell them: Impeach the motherfucker already! (If they laugh, take them home! If they frown, tell them off!) All proceeds from the sale of ITMFA merch goes to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project. We’ve already donated more than $200K to those three great orgs and another $15K to hurricane-relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Go to ITMFA.org to get your ITMFA tees and tanks in time for Pride!

On the Lovecast, Slate’s Evan Urquhart on dating a trans guy: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love