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Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

On this week's fun, festive and frank weekly Independent comics page: Apoca Clips examines Li'l Trumpy's Fourth of July speech; Red Meat gets creative; (Th)ink celebrates the U.S. Women's World Cup win; This Modern World looks at what pundits are saying about our country's border concentration camps; and Jen Sorensen scratches her head over Mississippi's new imitation-meat-labeling law.

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Dear Mexican: I’m not a huge soccer fan, but I always get excited about the World Cup. In preparation for the event next year, I wanted your opinion on the team my wife and I should root for if the U.S. were to play Mexico.

I’m a fourth-generation Mexican American. Spanish was never spoken at home, but thanks to our amazing public school system, I rarely need a translator when I speak to Spanish-speaking parents. (I’m an administrator at an amazing public school.) My wife grew up speaking Spanish and was raised in a home that was culturally Mexican. We both feel comfortable participating in events that are very Mexican, and events that are very American. Last night, I asked my wife who she should root for if the U.S. played Mexico. She wasn’t sure. I told her I wasn’t sure, either, and that we should ask for your advice.

What do you think? Who should we root for? Who would you root for? Who do you think your grandkids will root for?

Sueño Humido del Hombre Hispánico-Americano

Dear Wet Dream of the Pocho Man: I always root for the United States when it plays in Mexico, and Mexico when it faces off against the U.S. in el Norte, but only because I want to see the home fans in agony, because I’m a cabrón like that.

You can root for either side, though, because they’re both going to flame out in the quarterfinals of el Mundial next year, anyway. About the only thing fans can look forward to on either side is seeing which player has enough huevos to kick Putin where Trump’s lips left a giant chupón.

Dear Mexican: I’m not searching for relationship advice, Mexican; I’m just wondering why there is no love between Honduras and Mexico.

La Gordita

Dear Chubby Catracha: Mexicans might despise Salvadorans and have no use for Guatemalans, but Hondurans? We play “Sopa de Caracol” at all our parties, don’t we?

Dear Mexican: My understanding, lo these many years, is that Mexicans cannot give up their Mexican citizenship. I understand that under Mexican law, a natural-born Mexican is never legally allowed to claim exclusive citizenship elsewhere, and that Mexico will not recognize U.S. embassy legal processes in Mexico on behalf of a Mexican naturalized as a U.S. citizen who is present in Mexico. Is that correct?

August in Austin

Dear Gabacho: You’re listening to too much Alex Jones. The Mexican Constitution says native-born Mexicans can never lose their nationality, which is just a fancy way for Mexico to claim more people subject to its authority—an important point we’ll use before the New World Order tribunal in a couple of years to re-establish Aztlán.

Dear Mexican: In 1990, some of my Mexican friends told me it cost $500 to come from Mexico with a coyote. Recently, a friend from Tamazunchale told me it now costs $2,500. How much of this money, paid to the coyotes, goes to Border Patrol employees?

El Pollo Loco

Dear Gabacho: It costs $2,500? Try $5,000 to start, all thanks to Trump’s immigration policies. And Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly had the gall to take credit for the jacked-up prices. That’s like a big-game hunter saying that the antelope over his fireplace worked extra-hard to get there.

SPECIAL THANKS TO

Maricela and Daniel, two helpful Mexicans at Holy Sepulcher Cemetery in Orange who helped this Mexican find another Mexican’s grave. May the Santo Niño de Atocha bless ustedes for your good work, and may you bury this Mexican with a bottle of mezcal when it’s time for me to go to the great DESMADRE in the sky …

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

On this week's forward-thinking Independent comics page: Jen Sorenson examines labor at Krap-Mart; The K Chronicles looks at Germany's World Cup win; and Red Meat goes into the future with Genetically Modified Soy Beverage Distribution Man Dan.

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On this week's global Independent comics page: The K Chronicles wonders where everyone went; Jen Sorenson ponders spikes to discourage the homeless; and Red Meet greets some visitors.

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Dear Mexican: I’m a half-mexicana, half-gabacha working as an appointment-scheduler in a medical office. I’m one of a handful of schedulers there who speak Spanish. I’ve noticed that about seven to eight times out of 10, when a Spanish-speaking patient calls and gets one of the schedulers who doesn’t speak español, and waits for myself or someone else to call them back, the patient actually speaks English well. Since mi mamá mexicana always told me to never assume someone can’t speak English, I call back speaking in English, and they respond in English.

I don’t mind speaking Spanish with any of my patients—in fact, I’m happy I can be of service—but it makes me wonder why would anyone would want to wait and waste precious time to get their health situated by not speaking English (given they have the capability). Some of my patients really need the help, and I am ready para hablar, but others patients have better English skills than several of the gabachas I know.

Appointment Desk, This Is Chiquita Curiosa. How Can I Help You?

Dear Pocha: Sometimes, Mexicans who can speak English pretend not to so they can gain an advantage over their gabacho adverseries—the classic “No espeak English” ruse when trying to get out of a situation or trying to make the gabachos think they’re a stupid Mexican. Other times, the English-knowing Mexican will still prefer Spanish, because they can be more exact. That seems to be the case here, given you’re a medical professional, and some Mexican health practices just don’t translate well into the King’s English—how do you tell your doctor, for instance, that your mom’s remedy for a broken clavicle is Vicks and 7-Up?

For those of us living in California, the FIFA World Cup is a big deal. Since we have such a huge Mexican population that has been here a while, is it a safe bet that they root for the U.S. team and the one from Mexico? I know that I tend to place my hopes on Mexico once the Americans get the boot in the first round.

Couldn’t we get a little more love going for our SoCal community by making our support in the World Cup more international?

Soccer Gabacho

Dear Gabacho: Historically, no Mexican in the U.S. would ever root for los Estados Unidos—not so much because it was considered traitorous, but mostly because the team was middling at best, and uber-gabacho. That has changed in the past generation, as the U.S. has not only become a mid-level power that consistently whips Mexico’s ass on the pitch, but also because the squad is now diverse.

At the same time, El Tri has underachieved behind the fresa foot of Javier “Chicharito” Hernández (“Little Pea,” so nicknamed for the size of his huevos), the most overrated Mexican since Maná. Most Mexican Americans will still root for Mexico over the U.S., but there’s at least a grudging respect for the norteamericano side—and at least brown members of Uncle Sam’s Army don’t get pelted with urine bags anymore … much.

Nevertheless, I don’t see a fruitful Mundial for either team, so Mexicans will probably do what they did during the last Cup: suddenly discover their Spanish roots, and go for the goal-getting gachupines.

¡ASK A MEXICAN! VIDEOS ARE BACK!

Gentle cabrones: After a years-long hiatus, I’ve relaunched the video version of this columna. Follow my weekly rants on Twitter by clicking the hashtag #askamexican, and ask away. Enjoy!

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican