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Last updateFri, 16 Sep 2016 12pm

Ask a Mexican

09 Jan 2013
Dear Mexican: What is it about Mexicans and collecting old cars? I have three Mexican neighbors with middle-class incomes, but in each case, when the old car or truck wouldn't run anymore, they would buy a nearly new replacement—and then let the old clunker sit in the driveway up close to the house or garage ... for MONTHS! Hood up, radiator out on the ground, flat tires ... etc. Flying With My Ford Dear Gabacho: When my brother became of age, I lectured him on the facts of life. No, not sex, as that's for him to discover with cousins his age watching Tube8 on a laptop (as opposed to my generation of cousins, who'd watch pornos on scratchy VHS tapes while all of our parents were gossiping during carne asada Sunday), but on what would make him a man: when he could afford a classic car. Just like our…
02 Jan 2013
Dear Readers: My muchos apologies for this Best Of edition—I’m still at the rancho getting faded on the Herradura and stuffed with tamales, pozole, birria and empanadas. But this is an oldie-but-goodie even Art Laboe would appreciate: a 2007 piece ripping apart former CNN personality Lou Dobbs, who I hear does magic shows at Tea Party events now to pay the bills. What’s amazing about this is that Know Nothings still cite the discredited stats mentioned here as proof of Reconquista. Need proof, pendejos? Just look at the sales figures of salsa! Enjoy! Dear Mexican: Is Lou Dobbs right when he says that close to 80 hospitals in California have been closed because of the illegals, or is he lying? Cabrónes No Necesitamos Dear CNN: Dobbs is right to a certain point, and only in spite of his idiocy. The father of two half-wabs spouted off his closed-hospitals claim at…
26 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Longtime reader, first-time writer. I need some advice. My wife (who’s a half-Mexican Los Angeles native, just so you don’t think we’re a couple of white hipster dickheads) and myself (who’s white, but an immigrant, so I hope that lowers my dickhead factor a little) have had it up to our orejas with our Hispanic neighbor’s music. He plays it so loud that being in our living room is like being in a bass bin filled with tubas. I have asked him directly (at 11 p.m. on a Sunday) to turn it down, which he did, but now every time he sees us come home, he either starts it up, or cranks it up if it’s already playing. The thing is, he’s not having a fiesta. Ever. He’s a sad little man sitting all alone in his garage, getting drunk and scrolling through his iTunes. I don’t want…
21 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Many of my friends think I'm loco for playing with my dad the way I do. See, mi padre is now retired and living in Mexico, and is very worried that I am now 30 and not married yet, so he wants me to go back to where he lives to try and take an india from there back here to los EEUU, if only to at least look after me. I retaliate by kindly "reminding" him as much as possible that we are leprecanos (yes, I read your previous articles), to which he gets very angry. Everyone says that he's going to beat me up one day, but it never happens. Last year, I gave him for Navidad a bowler hat, an Irish soccer shirt and matching knee high socks. Let me tell you, he was so red for a second I thought he was going to…
13 Dec 2012
Dear Readers: Behold your favorite Mexican's annual Christmas gift guide, where I give shout-outs to some of my favorite books that deserve your money this holiday season! And for once, I won't recommend my books—¡Ask a Mexican!, Orange County: A Personal History, and Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America—as gifts ... oh wait, I just did! In all honesty, while I always appreciate ustedes buying my libros and handing them out as regalos, the following items are just as chingones, if not more so. Juan in a Hundred: The Representation of Latinos on Network News: This book won't be published until early January, but preorder this masterful analysis of the paucity of Mexis on la tele, and the laughable representations that do make it through. Author Otto Santa Ana is a UCLA profe who boils down reams of data into a clear, well-written analysis that will have you rooting…
07 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Why is it that many Mexican women hate on me for having an Asian (Korean, to be exact) novia? I notice this in a lot of places. We go to the store, and I get looks. We go to the movies, and people look or say things like, "Mira la chinita." I get looks from Asian people as well, but many Mexican women look at me with the evil eye. When I asked my co-worker who is Latina, she basically said it makes her and other Latinas feel unwanted. I really do not see color lines. What does it matter? I don't judge others, so why do they judge me? My novia is a good person, and we are doing great. Her family and my family have accepted us with open arms—but, sometimes, we have to avoid certain places. The funny thing is she speaks Spanish fluently, and…
29 Nov 2012
(Editor's Note: This week, we welcome Gustavo Arellano's Ask a Mexican to the Independent. If you want a primer on the column, find a citizen-encyclopedia-writeup here.) Dear Mexican: In President Bush's State of the Union address, he reiterated a need for a guest-worker program. What is your opinion of such a program? The program seems like mierda that screws people over in the long run to me, but what do I know? Una Guerita Por Un Mundo Sin Muros :-) Dear Gabachita for a World Without Border Walls: Sorry I'm answering your question—what, five years later? ¿Siete? The sad part about my laziness is that the question remains relevant, and what Republicans once dismissed as Aztlanista claptrap from the mouth of Dubya (who will remain the best GOP friend to Mexis we'll ever have—mark my palabras) is now the gospel they're preaching after the disaster that was their outreach efforts…

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