Last updateFri, 03 Apr 2020 5pm

Dear Mexican: What do Mexicans in the United States think of the violent drug-cartel problem in Mexico? Do local Latinos cringe with disgust or fear when they hear another drug-cartel story on the news … or do they feel a sense of disconnect, because they are living in America now, and it’s no longer a concern of theirs? Do local Latinos fear crossing the San Diego/Mexico border? Do they worry about being kidnapped or carjacked on the way to Rosario like Caucasian people do right now?

Yo Gabba Gabacho

Dear Gabacho: Mexicans can be scared of the cartels all they want, but far more frightening to the majority of the population is the Mexican legal system. Police officers in the state of Guerrero are being investigated in the kidnapping of more than 40 student teachers; last year, a judge set free Rafael Caro Quintero, the notorious drug lord implicated in the murder of DEA agent Enrique Camarena. And the less that can be said about President Enrique Peña Nieto, the better … actually let me take that back. PINCHE PENDEJO BABOSO.

By the way, you and your fellow gabachos gotta stop thinking the mundo revolves around you. Unless you’re a meth dealer delinquent on your payments or a drug-war soldier, gabachos in Mexico can walk around with impunity—you’re Quetzalcoatl incarnate. The cartels are not stupid enough to kidnap a random gabacho or kill them—otherwise, Obama would drone the narcos to kingdom come, and the Mexican government would pretend to care about justice. But if you’re one of the many Mexicans in los Estados Unidos kidnapped when traveling in Mexico, or one who has paid ransoms for family members? The American and Mexican governments don’t care—after all, those victims are just Mexicans.

A friend and I ate at Carl’s Jr. An Arizona Republic newspaper was on our table. A young guy brought our food, glanced down at the headline and winced. It read: “‘Chorizo’ new mascot for Cactus League.” We asked him why he’d winced. “Chorizo,” he said with disgust. ”You speak Spanish? It means ‘meat.’ It’s a swear word,” I said, “like cabrón, pinche?” He glared at the paper. “They are so stupid.” So, chorizo = meat = prick, yes?

Su Amor Uni-lingual

Dear My Beloved Monolingual: Let me show you my chorizo, and you can find out!

Why do Mexicans ALWAYS hand-deliver invitations to birthday parties, quinceañeras, baby showers, bridal showers, etc., to street-side mailboxes, rather than sending them through the U.S. mail or delivering them to the door (which is less than 20 feet away from the streetside mail box)? Regardless of the fact that it is a felony to put items into U.S. mailboxes, it seems to be impractical with gasoline at more than $3 a gallon to be hand-delivering invitations.

Mail Male

Dear Gabacho: Heaven forbid Mexicans practice good manners! This is a relic of Old Mexico, where mail was an illusion, and inviting people personally was an opportunity to catch up with the invitee. It’s actually a beautiful thing, much better than getting an eVite or overlooking an invitation on Facebook because it got buried in your feed under the umpteenth Candy Crush Saga update.

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Dear Mexican: I’m a handsome exemplar of the bronce race living in the motherland. I’m dating a beautiful and wonderful gringuita who is soon taking a trip over the border from the U.S. to Mexico for the first time to visit me and my pinche big family. There are a couple of things that worry me, though.

First of all, she seems to have a fairly pessimistic view of Mexico (probably due to anti-Mexican propaganda and inherited biased family ideas). She says that she’s very excited to visit, but I can sense that there’s fear in her. What would you suggest that I do to erase all her wrong gabacho misconceptions of la madre patria?

Secondly, I fear for her health once she gets to eat real Mexican food. What can I do to ameliorate the devastating effects our unique cuisine has on unsuspecting foreigners, and spare her from Moctezuma’s revenge while still allowing her to delight in some great enchiladas or chiles rellenos?

El Guapo de México

Dear Handsome One From Mexico: To ameliorate your beloved’s fears, just give her a nightly dose of your chorizo.

As for Montezuma’s revenge, I cite my answer from my libro, which you should buy a fourth copy of just for the hell of it: “One of the worst cultural insults you can throw at people is to say that their food gives you diarrhea, and that’s why the English language has so many euphemisms for the thing—Gandhi’s revenge, Gyppy tummy, Delhi belly, the Rangoon runs, Tokyo trots. But none has stuck better in the gabacho mind than Montezuma’s revenge, named after the Aztec emperor who lorded over Tenochtitlán when the Spaniards came. Spanish accounts maintain that Ol’ Monty loved to drink his chocolate laced with muchos chiles, and his digestive tract cleared out almost daily. Whether it’s true or not is a matter of historical intrigue, but the stereotype was quickly gobbled up by gabachos eager to fulfill their critique of Mexicans as a dirty, ugly race whose food can cause that disgusting stuff.

“That’s the gabacho way—blame their weak digestive tract on the natives.”

A news story some time ago mentioned that a Centers for Disease Control study shows that 96 percent of all U.S. adults have had sex. However, breaking this down by ethnic group, the same study showed only 88 percent of Mexican-American adults in the U.S. have ever had sex, the least of any ethnic group polled, leaving 12 percent without knowing the pleasures of relaciones sexuales. This appears to buck the stereotype that Mexicans are somehow spicier in matters of the sack than the rest of us, and the uglier stereotype that they breed like rabbits.

I’m curious: Besides the possibility of the effects of growing up with pervasive, strict Catholic guilt, are there cultural, biological or genetic reasons why so many of your fellow mexicanos are not experiencing the joys of gettin’ it on with un amante of choice?

Gabacho Mariposa de Tejas

Dear Gay Gabacho From Texas: Not only that, but another CDC report showed that Latinos were the ethnic group with the lowest rate of people who’d at least had oral sex before losing their virginity—39 percent compared to 56.6 percent of gabachos. Fact is, many Mexicans retain small-town puritanical values, which also explains why so many of our girls get pregnant. I wish there was a joke in all this, but the only chiste here is the lack of sex education in the Mexican community—that, and a Pepito line showing the absurdity of it all, of course.

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Dear Mexican: I am a butt-white Irish guy, stoked to be married to a beautiful Chicana. Her familia is from a gorgeous rancho deep in the corazón of Zacatecas, and I’ve been wanting to experience all of the ranchero lifestyle I keep hearing about from my acquired familia mexicanos (and from those songs at all of the truly awesome parties we attend just about every weekend).

However, our State Department has warned Americans to not travel into Mexico due to the violence by the drug cartels. Tales of decapitated bodies strewn across highways throughout Mexico have aired on just about all of the Spanish-speaking noticias. (I watch so I can practice my español, and drool over the female newscasters—¡que caliente!)

Additionally, I’ve gotten such a mixed response from my compas of Mexican origin that now I’m as confused as my Irish grandpa was during Prohibition! Some of the family and my pocho partners have said that all is great, and to stop being a pinche güero panocha, and just go! However, los otros amigos have told me that I’d be loco to travel into the moreno motherland, because my 6-foot-2, blond, blue-eyed ass would stick out more than a pimple on a prom queen, and I would surely lose my oversized Ted Kennedy-looking head!

Ayuda me—I’m so confused! Do I stay, or do I go?

Scared White Boy (With His Cabeza Intact)

Dear Mick: I recently talked to a pal who just came back from Zacatecas, and you know what he said? He dijo that his hometown is safe now ,“because los del Chapo killed all the Zetas and now rule everything.” OY VEY!

While bigger cities like Tijuana and Mexico City (and even Juarez, to a lesser extent) are generally safe after the narco-violence of the Calderón administration, I’d still stay away from the rural regions of Mexico, which are experiencing full-fledged rebellion between warring cartels, corrupt cops, the Mexican military and autodefensas (local vigilante groups) who are saying a la chingada with everyone, and defending their ranchos on their own terms.

Then again, you’re gabacho, and as I’ve said before, ustedes can walk around Mexico with all the impunity of Winfield Scott, because the cartels know better than to mess with one: They know if they do, the Obama administration will stop its eternal waltz with various cartels and rain down the drone desmadre.

Why is it that Mexicans prefer to party, barbecue, dance and drink in their front yards? On Friday and Saturday nights, their low-riding buddies machine-pistol them without having to slow down the Honda. Tight-assed pink peeps party, too, but in the safety of the backyard.

Cabana Man

Why do Mexicans do everything in the front yard—from cooking on the grill, to celebrating birthday parties with inflatable playgrounds, to hanging their wet clothes over the railings on their front porch? A friend of mine told me the backyard was where Mexicans keep all their chickens, roosters and autos up on blocks, but it isn’t true—at least not here in Texas. Is this just genetic?

Tony Romo Is Lame, but Jerry Jones Is Lamer

Dear Gabachos: The sooner gabachos realize that front yards are just a pathetic remnant of Gilded Age nitwits pretending to live like British lords, and start using yardas like Mexicans, the better off this country will be.

Since houses in Mexico historically had no lawns or ornamental plants (that’s what the fields were for), Mexicans view front yards as virgin land ripe for the taking. We grow fruit trees and sugar cane; we park cars on it. And, : We’ll happily put a Dora the Explorer bounce house in the front. Why? Because the backyard is already too packed with partying Mexicans.

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