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Fri11152019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

Dear Mexican: I find Mexican women to be very prejudiced. Is it their lack of education, or the fact that they don’t assimilate well? Is anyone schooling them on appropriate behavior, and are they being told that racial prejudice has reached a point where it’s barely tolerated in the U.S.A?

I’m offended by their racist stares—I call them “racist stares,” because it reminds me of the 1950s, when the white folks were doing it. Also, how many people live in one house, with a multitude of trucks, leaving all the trash out from the businesses they run out of their houses? Do we pay for this in our monthly utility bills, because the trash-debris fee is higher than the water fee?

I now live across from such a female who gives out racist stares every chance she gets. She looks like a giant Godzilla—a shemale, with her tiny husband she probably picked up at the border and beats to keep him in line. (No joke: It looks that way.) And she has 10 kids—five by the one who left her, and five by her border husband. When she is “dressed” up in her jeans and body shirt, she looks like a fat sausage.

I called another a racist because her kids were in the backyard calling out the “n” word—and no, they weren’t talking to each other. Guess what she did: She invited over the one black person she has ever had over to her house to show she is not a racist. Typical.

I’m just curious, because you go in the Mexican stores, and everything is in Spanish, yet American stores label everything in dual languages. Americans have been most accommodating to all immigrants—not just Mexicans. You can’t go anywhere outside of the U.S.A and live unless you are able to support yourself and not take jobs from the native population.

Toby Keith Is Mine

Dear Gabacha: There is not one thing you mentioned that makes me think your Mexican female neighbor is racist. You, on the other hand … from the “giant Godzilla” to the “border husband” to describing her as a “fat sausage” and speculating about her kids, you sound like a bitter gabacha whose man left her for a Mexican woman long ago.

Get over it, honey. Besides, Mexican women are only racist to Mexican women—you can look it up!

Dear Mexican: What’s the deal with hanging 15 feet of toilet paper in “el baño” to cover the gaps in the stall walls?

I only see this coming from Mexican men, because I only frequent men’s restrooms, and only in the restrooms predominantly frequented by my Mexican co-workers. But frankly, what kind of man—other than the occasional Idaho Republican—wants to peek through the gap or catch a fleeting glimpse of another man taking a dump? Is this kind of male-on-male bathroom voyeurism a problem in Mexico, or are Mexican men simply more self-conscious than gabachos?

Degenerate John

Dear Gabacho: Assimilation at work. In Mexico, we freely shit out in the barn—the better to mix with other manure. In the U.S., we become as prudish as Jeff Sessions.

Then again, staring through gaps is a habit for Mexican men—how else do you think we’re able to get over walls and fences so easily?

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: What do you think of affirmative action in the education system? I know the politicians and educators deny this, but we all know it’s happening: All the yellow and white kids have to work their asses off to gain admittance to a competitive school like UCLA or UC Berkeley, yet with Mexicans, all you’ve got to do is beat or match the average whitey or chino, and you’re there!

School officials argue this is to help the minorities reach the top. Well, hello, you wabs are hardly minorities in the U.S. According to recent forecasts, you guys will BE the majority in a couple of years! And considering the rate at which you guys have sex without birth control, we could be looking at next year!

La China de Garbage Grove

Dear Chinita: The Mexican has always opposed race-based affirmative action, because studies have long shown gabachas benefit from such programs the most—not racial and ethnic minorities. I favor a class-conscious approach: The son of a third-generation Kentucky coal miner deserves financial aid and opportunities more than some fresa whose family owns agave fields in Los Altos de Jalisco, you know?

That said, your complaint is just as racist as you say affirmative action is. It’s based on a false premise that Mexicans who benefit from affirmative action somehow don’t work as hard as Asian Americans who aren’t eligible. And you know this how? You don’t. The straw man used by affirmative action opponents—that stupid Mexican and black students are taking college slots away from deserving Asian Americans—is Trumpism at its finest: Take a “model” minority, and use them to bash others.

I don’t run a university, but my understanding of why administrators want diversity is that they want coeds to learn alongside a representation of all of America, not just elites and eggheads. So let the undocumented Chicano who went to a shitty public school—and has two parents with grade-school educations in Mexico who work three jobs to barely make rent in a one-bedroom they share with two other families—teach your overachieving ass a bit about life; you might be surprised what you learn, if your arrogance allows it.

By the way, it’s nice of you to assimilate so much into America that you’re using the same Yellow Peril bullshit rhetoric gabachos used against the Chinese back in the day—progress!

Dear Mexican: I’m a gabacho who, by virtue of my Mexican stepfather, has a Mexican last name. Ironically enough, while my fellow gabachos never bother me about this, I get grief from Mexicans all the time. It usually happens in service situations where I’m paying with a credit card that reveals my family name. In these cases, Mexican waiters and cashiers will frequently subject me to such indignities as having me produce multiple forms of ID, interrogating me as to my genealogy, or glaring cruelly at my blond-haired, blue-eyed daughter and pointing out the obvious: “She doesn’t look like a Mexican!”

The way I see it, I’m a perfect example of 21st-century ethnic diversity, but the Mexicans treat me and my beautiful familia like turds floating in their gene pool. ¿Por que? In college, my left-leaning professors had us all convinced that only gabachos were capable of racism and prejudice. I’m starting to think they might have been wrong.

Burrito With Imitation Bean Filling

Dear Gabacho: Of course Mexicans can be racist—look how we treat Guatemalans—so why are you surprised? Because a leftist professor told you otherwise? Leftist professors also write eloquently and incisively, but you sure didn’t pick up on THAT …

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: ¿Por que no hay un pinche líder entre nosotros o de nosotros los mexicanos? Para que tuviera los tanates bien puestos y hablara frente al congreso y les dijera sus verdades a los hipócritas políticos. ¿Será que “nuestros lideres” son unos miedosos o vendidos? No hay uno solo (solo el Chapulín Colorado) que nos defienda, tanta humillación que han tenido los negros, siempre de sirvientes o mozos, pandilleros y drogadictos (en Hollywood) y nadie protesta y salen con que Memín Penguin es ofensivo, otra de esas y nos subimos el cierre, ¿eh? En serio, “Ask a Mexican,” ¿Como  podría yo hablar delante del congreso, local, estatal o federal? ¿Sería mucho pedir?

Pónganse las Pilas, Putos

Dear Readers: For those of you who still don’t habla—and if you don’t habla, ¿que chingado estas esperando?—the writer asked: Where’s the Mexican leader who’ll take us into the Promised Land of American acceptance. Then the writer couldn’t help but attack blacks while he had my attention. Ya cállate con los “pinche negros,” pendejo.

The Mexicans did have a messiah who saved us all—his name was Juan Gabriel, and he recently died.

Dear Mexican Are there any states in which Mexicans are not yet a majority?

Gabacho Really Wants to Know

Dear Gabacho: Bruh, the Reconquista ain’t that advanced—yet. New Mexico has the highest percentage of Latinos at 47 percent of its total population, but most of them don’t even consider themselves Mexican.

The next-highest states are California and Texas, with 38.2 percent of their respective populations Latino per the U.S. Census, although Texas has the higher percentage of Mexicans in that group because of all the South Americans and Central Americans in California. The state with the lowest Latino percentage of its people? West Virginia, at 1.3 percent.

Raza: Don’t be scared; move to the Mountain State. Don’t forget that hillbillies are just brothers from a different madre.

Dear Mexican: Forgive me for not using neat-sounding Spanish words in this email; my Spanish is rusty, and it’s late. While I plan to learn it again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Reading through the archives of your column, it seems that you have forgotten, or chosen to ignore, those gabachos who actually do not hate the Mexicans. Take me, for example. While this email is relatively devoid of Spanish phrases, I love the Spanish language. I studied it in high school and wholly intend to learn it again, probably next semester. I love Mexican food, and I mean the real stuff (although I do enjoy Taco Bell as well). My high school was relatively small, and we had a lady come in to tutor the few of us who cared to learn Spanish. While she had lived here for quite a while, she had not assimilated into America. She cooked for us one day, and that started my love for authentic Mexican food. She also instilled in me a fascination for Mexican culture. I even would go so far as to say that I would support an amnesty program: Mexicans will always be here, so why not make them legal? If they’re not gonna do it the legal way, then we might as well throw in the towel.

I wrote all this to simply remind you that not all Americans hate Mexicans: quite the contrary. Some of us love them!

Too Tired to Think Up an Interesting Pen Name, or Any Interesting Questions

Dear Gabachos: While I appreciate you and other gabachos who stand by Mexicans, be careful with your words: Trump just might deport you to if he wins. Oh, and #fucktrump.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: So how long can you keep up this racist shtick in an area where Latinos are the majority? You’re clever enough to use irony as a device to blunt your own just-kidding racism, but most of the Mexicans and pochos I know don’t care enough to bother with such clever tricks.

I’ve lived in L.A. most of the last 30 years, and I’ve worked and lived with many Mexicans and Mexican Americans here. I even married a couple of them. I’m raising a half-Mexican child right now. What I’ve noticed is that Mexican hate for gabachos is surpassed only by their hate for, roughly in order: blacks, non-Mexican Latinos (mostly those from Central American countries closest to Mexico) and Asians. Europeans, with the possible exclusion of the French, are held in relatively high regard—meaning you might not get spit in your burrito if they understand that your whiteness doesn’t preclude your shared status as enmigrantes. I’ve heard about how “inteligente” Hitler was from Mexicans far more than I ever heard it working with the white sons and daughters of slave states. And the Germans I’ve worked for over there were much kinder to their own Turkish and Italian laborers than I’ve seen Mexicans be to salvadoreños, guatemaltecos or—God forbid—blacks in the workplace.

Why this victim/oppressor ambiguity? Is it a mirror of the legacy of La Conquista? The Stockholm syndrome of your non-consensual Aztec hottie (great-times-15) grannies for your bearded Euro forefathers? Once you get your standard canned-insult response out of the way, please enlighten us all on this point.

El Humano

Dear Human Gabacho: Mexicans hate no more than gabachos—no, seriously, look it up. And we worship whiteness no more than gabachos—no, seriously, look it up. Hate blacks? Y’all beat us by a bunch. Asians? The same. Gays? We might hate Central Americans un chingo, but it doesn’t compare to the gabacho treatment of Mexicans.

Really, the only difference between Mexicans and gabachos is that when we scarf down a bunch of hamburgers or bed a gabacha, we don’t appoint ourselves experts on the Mexican condition, unlike ustedes pendejos after a michelada and a morenita.

Dear Mexican: I occasionally stumble upon news articles about your compadres sneaking in hundreds of pounds of illicit bologna and cheese from Mexico. The thought of eating bologna that’s been sitting in a hot car for a couple of hours is enough to make me gag.

So what’s the deal? What is it, exactly? How good can this stuff taste that it’s got to be smuggled in like kilos of weed? Surely there’s got to be a more legitimate source for it in Southern California, no?

Cheese It

Dear Gabacho: I would’ve answered this question, but I have to pay for my wheels of illegal queso de pata from Zacatecas. So I threw the pregunta to Javier Cabral, West Coast correspondent for Munchies and a fellow zacatecano.

“It’s a little-known fact that most of the cheeses that you find at supermarkets in the US are pasteurized, rubbery garbage,” Cabral told the Mexican. “This stands in stark opposition to the world of full-bodied, complex cheeses made from raw milk that most Mexis grew up eating before tunneling over to the U.S. I’m talking about sharp parmigiano reggiano-like quesos añejos and briney, mozzarella-like Oaxacan quesillo fit to be on the pizza scene of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. In some Mexican families, if your Mexican relatives show up without a neatly-wrapped ball of cheese, they might as well be excommunicated. Sadly, the stringent laws against raw milk in the American dairy industry do not allow for the production or sales of any true Mexican cheeses. Until that day comes, you best bet that the underground Mexican cheese trade will be as rampant as the Mexican poppy trade.”

As for Mexican bologna? Cabral and the Mexican have never heard of such thing. “However,” Cabral adds, “come back if you want to talk illegally imported carne seca from Sinaloa.”

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: My beloved niece married a boy of Mexican extraction. I am very fond of him, but he and his family kind of hold us all at arm’s length. It’s very difficult to get close. My niece has told me that his mother “doesn’t like white people.” Wouldn’t it be better to get to know me before deciding you don’t like me? Isn’t her attitude racist?

I’ll never forget walking into their wedding with big smiles, because my niece was getting married, and she is a major sweetheart. We were greeted with stony faces and no responses to our greetings; I felt like a character from West Side Story. Looking back, maybe I should have clicked my fingers and sang “When You’re a Jet.”

Is there something I can do, or should I just continue to be courteous when we meet, and try to find something to talk to them about? It is hell to hold a conversation with his family, and they always make me feel like I’m in the way. (Actually, his father is nice, and he makes great burritos.)

Wondering Whitey

Dear Gabacha: Stop being so gabacha. Believe it or not, not all Mexicans like white people. Your nephew-in-law obviously does, and it seems his papi goes gaga for the gaba as well. But your niece’s suegra? Not so much.

I can offer advice—take the woman out to a spa day, treat her to a nice lunch, smuggle over the last of her sisters from Puebla—but the sad reality is that Mexican moms keep pointless vendettas FOR LIFE. Whatever! You’re upset about one pendeja making family reunions uncomfortable; I should detail which of my cousins don’t talk to the other cousin over something said by uncles 45 years ago … but I still need to show my face at family quinceañeras, you know? Man, are our family funerals fun!

Can you enlighten me regarding something I am curious about regarding tortillas: Why are flour tortillas available in 6-, 8-, 10- and 12-inch sizes, but corn tortillas are available in only 6-inch sizes?

Worth the Girth

Dear Gabacho: Easy—flour tortillas can get bigger due to their gluten; corn tortillas have next to no gluten. Because of that, corn tortillas have a maximum size before disintegrating like the U.S. border.

The largest corn tortillas I’ve ever seen weren’t bigger than 8 inches, but as I told the Charleston City Paper last year, tortilla sizes are like penis sizes: It’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the masa that matters. Or to paraphrase another penis aphorism: Once you go maize, you’ll always sing its praise. Or better yet: Once you learn to like corn, it’ll always be your porn. No?

While conversing with Mexican-American ’manitas, I came to a halt when trying to conjugate the verb pistear or pistiar. From whence does this term originate?

Slushed Out Sista

Dear Negrita: This is a great way to show the world anew the baroque, vulgar wonders of Mexican Spanish. The Real Academia Española (RAE), the official guardian of Spanish in the world, doesn’t acknowledge the Mexican Spanish definition for pistear—“to get smashed with pals”—but what do they know? The paisa slang ultimately derives from pisto, which is both an adjective (drunk) and noun (the drink that got the pisto person pedo). And pisto comes from the Latin pistus—“smashed.” Now it makes sense why Mexicans use pisto as a synonym for being borracho, ¿qué no?

Meanwhile, all the RAE can offer as a definition for pistear is some Central American mamadas about making money … pinche mamones. The RAE sure as hell doesn’t offer the Mexican Spanish definition of what a mamón is, either.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: Recently, I visited a viejecita in an assisted-living home. As I’m getting on in years myself, I wondered how I would fare in such a place. Fortunately, I do like to eat cottage cheese, but I would like some salsa with it, or better yet, an occasional jalapeño en escabeche.

Are there places for those of us who like spicy Mexican food? Perhaps you have answered this question already in Taco USA, but I have been so busy lately that I have not yet cracked the cover of my copy.

Sabor Para Mi

Dear Flavor for Me: Time was, the Mexican could boast that we raza would never join cruel gabachos in exiling our aging parents to senior homes—instead, we let them live by themselves because mami y papi were tough enough, or at the most, we house them in their golden años in the casas of our youngest sibling, because that’s what mija was born to do. But Mexicans tend to embrace the gabacho proclivity to abandon the familia the longer they’re in the U.S.

“Growth of Racial and Ethnic Minorities in US Nursing Homes Driven by Demographics and Possible Disparities in Options,” published in the July 2011 issue of Health Affairs, showed that the number of Latinos in nursing homes grew by 54.9 percent between 1999 and 2008, while the number of gabachos decreased by 10.2 percent. While the researchers blamed poverty and a lack of access to better medical options for the increased rates, maybe all those old gringos are moving out because they don’t want to spend their last days living with Mexicans?

Anyhoo, the way those nursing-home rates are going, Sabor Para Mi, I don’t think you have to worry about the lack of Mexican food at your retirement home, but rather cottage cheese—what Mexican likes that cochinada?

Why is it that when black families are shown in commercials on TV, they are usually—scratch that—always portrayed living in nice neighborhoods, living in nice houses, and even though they’re just chilling at home, they’re dressed to the nines? Not to mention the youngest member of the family usually talks like he just graduated from Harvard! Meanwhile, when a Mexican family is portrayed on television, the only thing that’s missing is cockroaches crawling down the kitchen walls in the background. Why and where is the so-called Mexican American Defense League or some other kind of worthless raza arguing this point? Are they afraid their corporate media masters might call them out as INTOLERANT or HATERS or any other tag that might threaten their important JALES and big, fat City Hall paychecks?

Growing up in Los Angeles, I was always taught that the raza was brave and strong when it came time to get down. But unfortunately, that seems to be nothing but a fairy tale, because for the most part, I’ve seen a bunch of meek, subservient pushovers. We seem to be more preoccupied these days about how “Black Lives Matter” than our own social political situation.

Shame on Us

Dear Wab: It’s one thing to be rightfully concerned about the horrible representation of Mexicans on television (a good antidote—the wonderful Cristela on ABC), but it’s another to whine that blacks are getting too much positive love, after more than a century of being depicted as toms, coons, mulattoes, mammies and bucks.

The Republican Party called—they want their token racist Mexican back. OBLIGE THEM …

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I see lots of Mexican Americans struggling in grade school and high school. Many Mexican-American activists claim it’s because the students don’t speak English at home, or the schools don’t teach them well. But I see lots of Asian Americans in the same schools who do really well. Many of them also don’t speak English at home. The last time I went to a hospital, it seemed like Asians were 30 percent of the doctors. I didn’t see a single Latino one.

Why is it that one group consistently does better than the other? I don’t understand.

Clueless

Dear Gabacho: Because Mexican students are stupid, while Asian students are geniuses—that’s what you and your ilk want to hear, right?

This pregunta always busts me up, because no matter how many studies activists can offer examining the myths of model minorities and Mexican apathy toward academics—variables, educational background of parents, socioeconomic conditions of neighborhoods, the quality of schools, blah blah blah—Know Nothings dismiss the facts. That’s not what they want to hear, and they don’t even care about solutions to the education gap. So I’ll just say it again to please ustedes: Mexican students are stupid; Asian students are geniuses. Happy? Of course you are! However, just because you wish something to be verdad doesn’t make it so—and if you don’t believe me, go see what happened to Mitt Romney’s dream of Mexicans self-deporting.

Far too many Mexicans REFUSE to go through the trouble of learning English. They often speak Spanish annoyingly loud in public. Sometimes, the KIDS speak better English than their PARENTS! If they don’t understand you, they just smile and say, “No, si, no.” What is that crap, anyway?! How about learning enough of our language to say, “I’m as proudly Mexican as you are American. Screw you, muchacho!” While this would be totally obnoxious, at least it’d be more HONEST than “No, si, no.”

Willy the White Writer

Dear Gabacho: Of course the kids speak better English than their parents—the kids are Americans, while the parents are Mexicans. And those Mexicans are muy honest with you—or do you not hear them mutter “chinga tu madre, pinche gabacho feo apestoso” under their breath?

My boyfriend is Mexican, and I am a gabacha. Whenever my boyfriend sees a Mexican girl with someone of a different race, he gets disgusted and mad (especially when he sees them with black guys). I’ve pointed out to him that he seems a bit hypocritical, since he’s with a white girl—but he says that he makes an exception for me.

Do all Mexicans feel this way, or is my boyfriend pinche loco?

Lover of Verga

Dear Cock-Loving Gabacha: Of course your guy is pinche loco—but so are all men of color. Hombres complaining that their raza’s women are dickmatized by gabachos while boasting about nailing gabachas is a trope as old as gabachos fearful that oversexed bucks and banditos were taking too many of their women.

That said, I’m not going to dismiss the anti-negrito sentiment that still dominates the Mexican mind, especially when said negrito is dating a mexicana. Raza: We gotta drop anti-black thoughts from our community the same way we ditched Carlos Mencia.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican