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Andy Samberg’s 2015 mockumentary, 7 Days in Hell, was all about tennis and ridiculous wigs; his latest sports-doc send-up, Tour de Pharmacy (movie, Saturday, July 8, HBO), is all about cycling and ridiculous wigs—at least he’s consistent. Set in 1982, “a dark and fictitious time in cycling history,” Tour de Pharmacy chronicles a doping scandal within a Tour de France-ish cycling competition, getting weird with a game array of guest stars: Orlando Bloom, Freddie Highmore, Jeff Goldblum, Danny Glover, Julia Ormond, Dolph Lundgren, James Marsden, Kevin Bacon, Will Forte, Maya Rudolph, Mike Tyson, J.J. Abrams and, of course, Lance Armstrong. Not all of it works, but there’s so much that it hardly matters.

National Geographic already covered this three years ago with its The ’90s: The Last Great Decade miniseries, but leave it to a failing Fake News outlet to rip it off: The Nineties (series debut, Sunday, July 9, CNN) is an eight-part series about the glory years of flannel, Clintons and Zima (at least two have staged a viable comeback), with the first two hours focused not on politics, racial unrest or tech advances, but … television? Great, let’s rehash Friends, Frasier and The Sopranos (which premiered in 1999, so it barely counts) from the decade when I began writing about the tube for an indifferent audience—and nothing’s changed in the age of Peak TV. Yeah, I made this about me—deal with it!

Adult Swim continues to answer the nagging question “Where’s Season 3 of Rick and Morty?!” with, “Dunno, but here’s another shitty new cartoon.” The setup for Apollo Gauntlet (series debut, Sunday, July 9, Adult Swim) sounds promising: When Earth cop Paul Cassidy is transported to a “futuristic medieval” (?) world by the diabolical-if-misleadingly-named Dr. Benign, he decides to dole out local justice his way with the help of a magical suit and a pair of talking gauntlets. Unfortunately, Apollo Gauntlet is just another badly drawn stoner ’toon that’s not even up to the standard of its ironic low-bar inspiration, He-Man—and it’s certainly no Axe Cop, the gold standard of animated lawmen.

After the sad, quiet failure of Still Star-Crossed, no network is going to be dumb enough to launch another new Shakespearean dramedy, right? Ha! Modernized period piece Will (series debut, Monday, July 10, TNT) juices the legend of a young William Shakespeare as he arrives in the “punk-rock theatre scene of 16th century London.” Gahhh. TNT is having a decent summer with rough-and-tumble dramas Animal Kingdom and Claws; the foptastic Will feels off-brand, to say the least (which no one does here, like, ever). Sure, it’s filmed gorgeously, but lead Laurie Davidson appears to have answered a casting call that read “a younger Bradley Cooper, minus personality, charm and beard potential.”

Staging your sexy millennial drama at a magazine—you know, those glossy-paper dinosaurs found in dentist’s offices and Jiffy Lube waiting rooms—in 2017 makes about as much sense as publishing an actual magazine in 2017. The Bold Type (series debut, Tuesday, July 11, Freeform) is wishful thinking on the part of Hearst Magazines boss Joanna Coles, who’s listed as an executive producer on this inconsequential perfume insert of a show. Standard-issue Freeform models Jane, Kat and Sutton are making their way in the glam world of Scarlet magazine, exploring the young-adult Big Four of “sexuality, identity, love and fashion.” Fashion? There’ll never be a series about an alternative paper.

In Salvation (series debut Wednesday, July 12, CBS), MIT student Liam (Charlie Rowe) discovers that an asteroid is six months away from colliding with Earth, so he teams up with this TV season’s cliché of choice, a tech billionaire (Santiago Cabrera), plus the U.S. government, to save the planet! But after a lead-in hour of Big Brother, who’s feeling charitable about humanity? Anyway: The guv’ment has its own shadow contingency plan, and who can blame them when Liam does shit like hiring an improbably gorgeous young sci-fi writer (Jacqueline Byers) as a theorist while ignoring the lessons of Armageddon, Deep Impact and Night of the Comet? At least Neil deGrasse Tyson—as himself!—is here to help.

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After a fall-winter-spring blur of Too Many Shows, you’re thinking to yourself, “Summer is finally here—I can take a break from TV. Praise the Lord!”

Sorry. Your god has abandoned you: Here are 32 new and returning series you’re going to have to watch this summer, because peak TV knows no season.

In the unexpected return of Flaked (Season 2 premiere; Friday, June 2; Netflix), Chip (Will Arnett) heads back to Venice to rehab his ruined Local Hero status, if not his booze problem. Matters are even more dire for the gang on Fear the Walking Dead (Season 3 premiere; Sunday, June 4; AMC), as vigilante Build the Zombie Wall border patrollers won’t allow them to cross back over from Mexico. It could be worse; they could be struggling comedians in 1970s Hollywood—which is the setting for I’m Dying Up Here (series debut; Sunday, June 4; Showtime).

Tim Heidecker re-ups for more ultra-violent spy action in Decker: Unclassified (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, June 4; Adult Swim), while Aussie comic Jim Jefferies takes another stab at ’Merican TV with late-night talker The Jim Jefferies Show (series debut; Tuesday, June 6; Comedy Central). Latina heroine (?) Teresa (Alice Braga) continues her quest to rule the drug trade in Queen of the South (Season 2 premiere; Thursday, June 8; USA), and the ladies of Litchfield are still doing time in Orange Is the New Black (Season 5 premiere; Friday, June 9; Netflix), hackers be damned.

The ragtag crew of ridiculously good-looking intergalactic criminals remain lost in space in Dark Matter (Season 3 premiere; Friday, June 9; Syfy), and TV’s coolest demon hunter is back and gunning for souls in Wynonna Earp (Season 2 premiere; Friday, June 9; Syfy). Meanwhile, the end is near for the Clone Club in the final run of Orphan Black (Season 5 premiere; Saturday, June 10, BBC America), and even nearer for frenemies Billie and Gene in the two-weekend burn-off of Idiotsitter (Season 2 premiere; Saturday, June 10; Comedy Central).

An all-star cast chews scenery and buffs cuticles in new Florida nail-salon dramedy Claws (series debut; Sunday, June 11; TNT), and primetime goes grindhouse with Blood Drive (series debut; Wednesday, June 14, Syfy), about a cross-country death race where the cars run on—what else?—blood. The Mist (series debut; Thursday, June 22; Spike) rolls out more subtle Stephen King-y scares, and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling finally get their ’80s-spandexed due in the Alison Brie-led docu-comedy GLOW (series debut; Friday, June 23; Netflix).

Fiddy Cent’s nightclubs ’n’ drugs drama Power (Season 4 premiere; Sunday, June 25; Starz) finds kingpin Ghost (Omari Hardwick) caught in the middle of a, yep, power struggle, while Jesse, Tulip and Cassidy finally hit the road looking for God in Preacher (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, June 25; AMC). Liza (Sutton Foster) deals with the fallout of her bestie Kelsey (Hilary Duff) learning her dark, old secret in Younger (Season 4 premiere; Wednesday, June 28; TV Land), and everybody’s favorite ragtag trio of ridiculously good-looking interplanetary bounty hunters gear up to fight the good-ish fight in Killjoys (Season 3 premiere; Friday, June 30; Syfy).

John Singleton’s Snowfall (series debut; Wednesday, July 5; FX) dramatizes the crack-cocaine epidemic of ’80s Los Angeles, while modernized period piece Will (series debut; Monday, July 10; TNT) juices the legend of a young William Shakespeare as he arrives in the, wait for it, “punk-rock theatre scene of 16th century London.” Back in the present, a pair of college eggheads break it to the White House that an asteroid is six months away from mercifully colliding with Earth in Salvation (series debut; Wednesday, July 12; CBS).

Game of Thrones … yeah, nothing more needs to be said here (Season 7 premiere; Sunday, July 16; HBO). In the final stretch of The Strain (Season 4 premiere; Sunday, July 16; FX), nuclear winter is in full effect; the Strigoi vampires have seized the planet; and our heroes are down for the count—but are they, really? Meanwhile, Ballers (Season 3 premiere; Sunday, July 23; HBO) and Insecure (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, July 23; HBO) are paired up for the most incongruent HBO hour ever, while Midnight, Texas (series debut; Monday, July 24; NBC) takes Charlaine Harris’ supernatural novels for a TV spin.

Would you believe … Sharknado 5 (movie premiere; Sunday, Aug. 6; Syfy)? Marvel’s The Defenders (series debut; Friday, Aug. 18; Netflix) finally brings together Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage and Iron Fist for a dysfunctional superhero team-up, while the 21st go-round of South Park (season 21 premiere; Wednesday, Aug. 23; Comedy Central) attempts to find the funny in Trump’s America—if he’s still in office at that point. Fortunately, Abbi and Ilana drop the long-long-long-awaited comeback of Broad City (Season 4 premiere; Wednesday, Aug. 23; Comedy Central), and the new take on The Tick (series debut; Friday, Aug. 25; Amazon Prime) may reunify the country, after all. Spoon!

Published in TV