CVIndependent

Mon05272019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I married my high-school sweetheart at 17; we had a baby and were together a few years; mental illness and subsequent infidelity led to things ending. My ex-husband remarried, divorced again, and is now in another LTR. I’m in an LTR for a decade with my current partner (CP); we have a few kids, and I’m so in love with him that it terrifies me.

My ex frequently makes sexual remarks to me—low-key flirts. I feel an animal attraction in the moment. Whatever. I don’t want to be with him; my relationship with CP is solid AF, and I get amazing fucking at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex-husband’s remarks and one actual physical advance. CP has offered to talk to my ex. I told him nah, I’ll deal with it and make it stop. I talked to my ex-husband today, and he said: “I’m sorry; it’s just teasing, I won’t make an actual move ever again, but you’re the only woman I ever just look at and get immediately hard for, and it’s only a few more years before our kid is fully grown and we don’t see each other anymore. So humor me, because you know we both enjoy it.” And it’s true that I do enjoy it. But how harmful is it to engage in flirty banter without any touching, nudity or worse?

I hate having secrets, as I feel they are barriers to intimacy, but I’m a 30-something mom and it is so fucking unbearably sexy to be made to feel so desirable even after all that shit between us, and it’ll never, ever happen because hell no am I sleeping with my ex-hubby, but knowing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can’t help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I’ve never fucking felt before—but even so, I don’t want to be a terrible person for hiding this from my CP, because I don’t like having secrets from him, but this is just one that turns me on to no end, but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yesterday because it’s wrong, right?

Secret Longings Utterly Titillating

I love a good run-on sentence—grammar fetishists are going to get off on diagramming that doozy you closed with—so I’m going to give it a shot, too: I don’t see the harm in enjoying your ex-husband’s flirtations so long as you’re certain you’ll never, ever take him up on his standing offer, but you are playing with fire here, SLUT, so pull on a pair of asbestos panties when you know you’ll be seeing your ex-hubby, and I don’t think you should feel bad about this secret, because while honesty is great generally, and while the keeping of secrets is frowned upon by advice professionals reflexively, SLUT, a little mystery, a little distance, a little erotic autonomy keeps our sex lives with long-term partners hot—even monogamous relationships—so instead of seeing this secret as a barrier to intimacy, SLUT, remind yourself that the erotic charge you get from your ex-hubby—the way he makes you feel desirable—benefits your CP, because he’s the one who will be getting a big, fat whiff of your pussy when you get home, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?


I’ve been with my girlfriend “J” for two years. Her best friend “M” is a gay man she’s known since high school. M and I have hung out many times. He seems cool, but lately, I’ve been wondering if he and J are fucking behind my back. For starters, J and I rarely have sex anymore. Even a kiss on the cheek happens less than once a week. Meanwhile, J’s Facebook feed has pictures of M grabbing her tits outside of a gay club in front of her sister. She told me he’s spent the night in her room, even though he lives only a few miles away. I’ve also recently found out that although M has a strong preference for men, he considers himself bisexual.

I understand that everyone loves tits, even if they’re not turned on by them, and gay men can sleep with a girl and actually just … sleep. I also know that her antidepressants can kill sex drive. All three things at once feel like more than just coincidence, though. At the very least, the PDAs seem disrespectful. At worst, I’m a blind fool who’s been replaced. Am I insecure, or is there something to these worries?

You Pick The Acronym I Gotta Get To Work

Your girlfriend’s best friend isn’t gay, YPTAIGGTW; he’s bisexual—so, yeah, it’s entirely possible M is fucking your girlfriend, since fucking girls is something bisexual guys do, and, according to one study, they’re better at it. (Australian women who had been with both bi and straight guys ranked their bi male partners as more attentive lovers, more emotionally available, and better dads, according to the results of a study published in 2016.)

While we can’t know for sure whether M is fucking J, YPTAIGGTW, we do know who she isn’t fucking: you. If the sex is rare, and a kiss—on the cheek—is a once-a-week occurrence, it’s time to pull the plug. Yes, antidepressants can be a libido-killer. They can also be a dodge. If your girlfriend doesn’t regard the lack of sex as a problem and isn’t working on a fix—if she’s prioritizing partying with her bisexual bestie over talking to her doc and adjusting her meds, if she hasn’t offered you some sort of accommodation/outlet/work-around for the lack of sex—trust your gut, and get out.


I’m a recently divorced woman with a high libido. Now that I’m single, I’ve come out as a kinkster. I quickly met someone who swept me off my feet—smart, funny, sexy, proudly pervy and experienced in the BDSM scene—and soon, he declared himself as my Dom, and I assumed the sub role. This was hot as hell at first. I loved taking his orders, knowing how much my subservience pleased him, and surprising myself with just how much pain and humiliation I could take.

However, his fantasies quickly took a darker turn. When I say I’m uncomfortable with the extremely transgressive territory he wants to explore, he says, “I’m your master, and you take my orders.” I think this is shitty form—the bottom should always set the limits. When we’re in play, he says that I chose him as my top precisely because I wanted to see how far I could go, and that it’s his job to push me out of my comfort zone. I think he’s twisting my words. Arguing over limits mid-scene makes us both frustrated and angry. I’m not in any physical danger, but his requests (if carried out) could ruin some of my existing relationships.

Did I blow it by not giving him a list of my hard limits in advance of becoming his sub? Or is he just a shitty, inconsiderate top trying to take advantage of a novice? After play, he checks in to see if I’m OK, which on the surface looks like great form—aftercare and all—but this also feels manipulative.

How can I pull things back to where I’m comfortable? Do I run from the scene—or just this guy?

Tired Of Overreaching From A Shitty Top

A top who reopens negotiations about limits and what’s on the BDSM menu during a scene—a time when the sub will feel tremendous pressure to, well, submit—is not a top you can trust. The same goes for a top who makes demands that, if obeyed, could ruin their sub’s relationships with family, friends, other partners, etc.

Run from this guy, TOOFAST, but not from the scene. There are better tops out there. Go find one.

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I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world!

I’m a woman who’s very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: I’ve had threesomes and foursomes, and have tried every toy on the market; I’ve done anal sex, BDSM and many other things.

He is sexually experienced, but he’s not open-minded. One thing he won’t do is kiss me after I’ve swallowed his load. We’ve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that he’ll come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?

Can’t Unicorn Man Up?

If that’s the only thing he won’t do—if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc.—then he’s pretty adventurous. But if kissing after you’ve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing you’ve attempted with him, and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense …

Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay—I’ve gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them—and they’re obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives?

Blame what’s known as the “refractory period,” CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft, and he loses all interest in sex—hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because he’s having his period—his refractory period.


I’ve been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves—he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, he’s suddenly not into it. He says it’s “disturbing” that I like what he’s been doing.

Two questions: (1) Smacking my butt is OK so long as I don’t want it? (2) Enjoying what he’s doing makes me a freak?

Joking About Consensual Kinks

Two options: (1) He goes in for domineering head games and “playful” violence because he’s abusive and controlling. (2) He’s got kinks, but he hasn’t managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner—and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but you’re healthier about them than he is), he’s projecting his self-loathing onto you.

Either way, JACK, you’re going to need to DTMFA.


You recently said it’s OK to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people we’re fantasizing about more often than not.

Facebook stalking for spank-bank purposes is fine—we all do it—but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like it’s at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of people’s photos. But as long as you’re the only one using your phone, what’s the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?

Screenshot Porn As New Kontent

Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself, and your phone is password-protected.


I am a 29-year-old straight woman on the West Coast in a new relationship. My boyfriend and I have just begun exploring anal sex. Question: HOW DO I AVOID POOP LEAKAGE?!? The first time we had anal sex, my boyfriend came in my ass and then pulled out. Then we decided to go for a run. (We didn’t think it through, CLEARLY.) A few minutes in, I was leaking all over my pants. In short, GROSS.

Obviously it wasn’t a good idea to go for a run afterward (NOTED!), but what can I do in the future immediately after anal to avoid poopy come from leaking out of my butt?

Anal Newbie Avoiding Leakage

Yeah, don’t go for a run immediately after anal. Spend a few minutes on the toilet instead—bring your phone; post something to Instagram; let gravity do its thing.

And that wasn’t poop leaking out of you on that run, ANAL; it was santorum—“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”


No one aroused by BDSM could ever truly love someone, could they?

Violence Isn’t Love, Eh?

Of course not, VILE. Only the Duggar girls and Princess Diana’s boys are capable of truly loving someone. The rest of us are just playing.


My boyfriend complains that our sex life is too vanilla. I want him to be satisfied, but he won’t tell me what else he wants to do.

Recently, he suggested an open relationship. I don’t want to be in an open relationship, and I told him as much. But I’m fully open to being more kinky or whatever else he needs. I’ve tried mixing it up, but he just looks at me strangely and asks me to stop whatever I’m doing.

Can I do anything to fix this? Any insight would be appreciated.

I’m Not Good At Acronyms

He knows what he wants, and he can’t or won’t tell you. Either he can’t because he’s so sexually repressed that he’s incapable of pushing the words out of his mouth, or he won’t because his non-vanilla desires are so extreme as to be deal-breaker-level repulsive to anyone who doesn’t share them. But complaining about your sex life without elaborating or giving you any constructive feedback at all is disqualifying assholery, INGAA. You’ll also have to DTMFA.


I just read your reply to a woman who wrote to you regarding her partner’s lack of libido. Although I found the article somewhat interesting, I would have preferred that a woman who was an actual lesbian was rendering advice to other lesbians. As a man, you are not qualified to deal out sex advice to women—especially to lesbians.

Stating This Obvious Point

Take it away, Free Dictionary: “ad•vice: opinion about what could or should be done about a situation or problem.” The only qualification you need to give someone your opinion? Someone asked you for it. Full stop, STOP. So I’m going to continue giving advice to straight people despite not being straight, to lesbians despite not being a lesbian, to bisexuals despite not being bi, to trans people despite not being trans, and to monogamous people despite not being monogamous. Hell, I sometimes give advice to Republicans despite not being a heartless idiot.

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On this week's provocative Independent comics page: The K Chronicles gets some TV time; Jen Sorenson analyzes conservative complaints about Obamacare; Red Meat takes care of a cat; and The City looks at what men and women think before and after sex.

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