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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Sept. 21, 2017!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Sept. 21, 2017!

Thursday, September 21, 2017  |  Staff

On this week's action-packed weekly Independent comics page: The K Chronicles has an issue with the Emmys; This Modern World looks into a parallel Trump universe; Jen Sorenson examines white poverty; Apoca Clips shows Trumpy receiving visits from Harvey, Irma, Maria and others; and Red Meat goes throu...

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Know Your Neighbors: Meet Shirley Spork, a Palm Desert Woman Who Paved the Way for Generations of Female Golfers

Know Your Neighbors: Meet Shirley Spork, a Palm Desert Woman Who Paved the Way for Generations of Female Golfers

Wednesday, September 20, 2017  |  Anita Rufus

The Coachella Valley is a place where retired celebrities, in some ways, are taken for granted. Among us are retired movie and television stars, business tycoons, writers, NASA scientists and sports professionals—including Shirley Spork, one of the 13 original founding members of the Ladies Professi...

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Ask a Mexican: What Can I Do to Help My Adopted Mexican Son Appreciate His Heritage?

Ask a Mexican: What Can I Do to Help My Adopted Mexican Son Appreciate His Heritage?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017  |  Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m an Arizonan of the anti-SB 1070 ilk who has just adopted an Arizonan 5-year old boy who is obviously (visually anyway) of Mexican descent. I want to do right by my son where his heritage is concerned; I have my own ideas about what that means, but I value your opinion.

I’m enrolling...

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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Sept. 14, 2017!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Sept. 14, 2017!

Thursday, September 14, 2017  |  Staff

On this week's Category 5 weekly Independent comics page: Jen Sorenson ponders the immigration fixation; The K Chronicles celebrates yet more of life's little victories; This Modern World puts on MAGA-vision specs; Red Meat calls Milkman Dan to the office; and Apoca Clips eavesdrops on a chat between ...

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Ask a Mexican: Does My Well-Off Chicana Friend Have a Victim Mentality?

Ask a Mexican: Does My Well-Off Chicana Friend Have a Victim Mentality?

Wednesday, September 13, 2017  |  Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I have a Chicana friend who comes from an upper-middle-class family, goes to a prestigious Ph.D. program, and has never had to take out student loans or work a real job—but she is constantly complaining about how “oppressed” she is.

Examples she gives are seemingly trivial things, such ...

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Community Voices: Words Matter When It Comes to Describing Our Warming World

Community Voices: Words Matter When It Comes to Describing Our Warming World

Thursday, September 07, 2017  |  Alex Lee, High Country News

The U.S. Department of Agriculture, which is in charge of the Forest Service as well as several agricultural and food-related research agencies, recently told its staffers to avoid using the term “climate change.” The business-as-usual term “weather extremes” was recommended instead.

While dropping t...

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30 Oct 2012

Annoyed by Telemarketers? Get Even!

Written by 

(Editor's note: This was written by yours truly 14 years ago. [Gack, I feel old now.] We're posting it here, now, because in this age of annoying political phone calls, it still rings true, even if the reference to a CD club is just a touch outdated. Anyhoo, enjoy!)

Zzzzzzzzzz. I am very asleep. It is quite warm in this bed, and I am very, very asleep. I love sleeping in. Aaaahhhhh ...

"RIIIIIING!" says the phone. I jolt awake, and start cussing out the phone and the dweeb on the other end who dares to call me at this sort-of early weekend hour.

"RIIIIIING!" the phone insists. I decide to answer it, because I am awake now. Dammit.

"Hello?" I ask, wishing that visions of sugarplums (or whatever) were still dancing in my head.

"Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club."

"Um ... huh?" is my witty retort.

"Yes, that's right!" says Mort, who is trying really hard to sound enthusiastic, but is not quite pulling it off. "All you have to do is agree to buy three CDs at regular prices over the next year, and we'll send you eight free CDs of your choice NOW! What do you think, Mr. Blegle?"

"Bite me, Mort."

I hang up, and lay back in bed. I am awake now. Dammit, Mort.

I am too awake now to resume my peaceful slumber, and too disgruntled to yet start my day, so I just lay in bed and think of ways to get back at the Morts of the world ... those we call TELEMARKETERS.

I plot; I scheme. Over the next few days, I come up with some ways to get back a little at telemarketers. I thought I would share a few of these ideas; while they may not get rid of telemarketers, at least they'll make your dealings with telemarketers more enjoyable...

1. Come on to the telemarketer. I just think of the fun I could have had messing with Mort's head if I had thought of this earlier...

Me: Hello?

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me (with a low, passionate voice): Ooh, Mort. What are you wearing?

Mort (clearly confused): Yes, that's ri ... WHAT?

Me: (in a low, soft tone): Oh, Mort, your voice is soooo sexy. I feel I should tell you I am not wearing any pants. Hmmmm ...

Mort: GAAACK! Click!

At least, this is how the come-on technique should work. That telemarketing company will probably never call you back again, unless it is run by blatant perverts. But be careful; there's always a chance that Mort, if a blatant pervert, will enjoy your advances. This could be a real problem if he lives locally, because he has your phone number.

This technique may also seem a bit weird and too close to home if, like me the other morning, you really aren't wearing pants.

2. Talk like those teachers in the Peanuts television specials. This technique of annoying telemarketers is sure to confuse the telemarketer, and there is a much smaller chance that it will arouse the telemarketer. That is, unless he or she is a blatantly blatant pervert ...

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Waaa! Waaa waa? Waa wa wa wa waaaaa!:

Mort: Excuse me?

Me: Waaa wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Mort: Mr. Blegle, I am sorry we must have a bad connection. I'll try and call back.

Me: Waaaaa. No pants! Waaaa.

3. Act like you and a close personal friend are ... well, you know. But once again, you must be concerned about the pervert factor....

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Oh GOD! Oh, yes yes yes yes yes YES!

Mort: Gosh, Mr Blegle, that sure is a enthusiastic response!

Me (Gasping for air): Oh, please, yes. Yes! Harder!

Mort: Well, Mr Blegle! I will get your first CD out to you right ... harder?

Me: Oh, BABY! Yes! Harder! Harder!

Mort: WHAT???? Are you OK, Mr. Blegle?

Me: YES!!!!

4. Try and sell the telemarketer something yourself. This is sure to confuse him or her (and it's especially fun if you try to sell something that's actually free).

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Wow! That's spiffy. Mort, can I call you Morty?

Mort: Why ... um, I guess.

Me: Let me tell you, Morty... right now, you can subscribe to the Coachella Valley Independent online for only $18 for three months! Ain't that a deal?

Mort: What? The Cockroach Velveeta who? No... I am trying to sell memberships to the CD club, and --

Me: But, Morty, buddy ... that's a quarter of a year for a mere 18 smackers? Come on, my friend.

Mort: I have to go. I am not wearing any pants! Click.

Now, these are just a few suggestions on how to mess with telemarketers. You, too, can come up with other ideas on how to deal with them, such as calling them to repentance (ADMIT you're a sinner, Mort) or pretending to speak only Pig Latin (Ite-bay e-may, Mort!).

Just whatever you do... have fun. Even if it's early, and you are blatantly without pants.

1 comment

  • Comment Link E. L. Tosi Wednesday, 31 October 2012 19:18 posted by E. L. Tosi

    Very good advice! I must try some of the lines when called late at night.

    Report

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