CVIndependent

Mon07132020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

I have a question about porn, and I can’t think who else I can ask who will give me an intelligent, educated answer. In modern porn, anal on women is gaining popularity. I’m a fan of anal with my boyfriend. However, in porn, it seems like the gaping asshole is a thing—a sought-after thing, a desired thing. And I guess my boyfriend and I don’t get it.

We can get quite vigorous when we have anal sex, but MY butthole never gapes open like that—my boyfriend assures me that when he pulls out, it goes back to its cute little flower-like effect. Why is the gaping asshole so popular? I promise this is not a frivolous question or just for titillation. We really do wonder: What gives?

Gaining Anal Perspective Entails Serious Question

It’s funny how a chief fear about anal sex—that your asshole would gape open afterward, and poop would fall out while you walked down the street—became eroticized. (The asshole-gaping-open part, not the poop-falling-out part.) Did I say funny, GAPESQ? I meant predictable—because a big part of the collective human subconscious is always at work eroticizing our fears, and the gaping-open, just-been-fucked, completely “wrecked” asshole many people feared inevitably became something some people found hot. And as more people began experimenting with anal sex—as anal went mainstream over the last two decades—people realized that the anal sphincter is a muscle, and the secret to successful anal intercourse is learning to relax that muscle. Situationally, not permanently: You could relax, get loose, gape after, post the video to a porn tube, and then tighten back up.

Now, not everyone thinks a wide-open, gaping asshole is desirable. And not everyone, in the immortal words of Valerie Cherish, needs (or wants) to see that.


Honest question: If you, being a homosexual, don’t die from HIV, will you need to wear a diaper before the age of 42? Optional question: What does a prolapsed rectum look like? I bet you can describe it without doing an image search.

Sickening Homosexuals Are Malignant Errors

Honest answers: I know you meant this to be hate mail, SHAME, but I’m just thrilled someone out there thinks I’m not 42 yet. Also, I’m HIV-negative—last time I checked—but even if I were to seroconvert (go from HIV-negative to HIV-positive), a person with HIV who has access to meds can expect to live as long as a person without HIV. Also, a person with HIV who is on meds and has a zero viral load (no trace of the virus can be detected in their blood) cannot infect another person. So even if I were to contract HIV after all these years, SHAME, I would likely live long enough to die of something else, and once I got on meds, I couldn’t pass HIV on to anyone else. And quickly: I’m way past 42 and not in a diaper yet, thank you very much. And while some people think a prolapsed rectum looks like a rosebud, I happen to think a prolapsed rectum looks like a ball of lean hamburger. And the first one I ever saw—and, no, I didn’t need to do an image search, because it makes a real impression—was in straight porn, not gay porn.

P.S. If you can’t think about gay men without thinking about our poops and the diapers you hope we’re wearing and our meaty prolapsed rectums, SHAME, that says a lot more about you than it does about gay people.


My significant other wants me to delete any NSFW pictures of my exes, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t have an emotional attachment to my exes or really look at these photos anymore, but I feel that old pictures saved on old computers aren’t doing any harm, and deleting them won’t fix my partner’s insecurity.

Personal Images Causing Strife

Accommodating a partner’s irrational insecurity is sometimes the price we pay to make an otherwise healthy and functional relationship work, PICS, as I recently told another reader. But one possible workaround—one possible accommodation—is telling your insecure partner what they want to hear, even if it isn’t true. Telling a partner who is concerned about safety that you’re using condoms with others when you’re not isn’t OK, of course, just as telling a potential partner you’re single when you’re not isn’t OK. But telling a partner that you deleted photos you never look at on a password-protected computer they can’t look a t… yeah, that’s a lie you don’t have to feel too awful about telling.


How long after using an oil-based lubricant do I have to wait before I can safely use latex condoms? Not right after, presumably. Next day? Next week? Next century? I’ve been experimenting with oil-based CBD lube for hand/toy stuff, but I’m worried about the timing relative to penetrative sex.

Oily Inside

“Oil and latex condoms do NOT mix, period,” said Melissa White, CEO of Lucky Bloke, an online condom shop, and a condom expert. “Using an oil-based lubricant with a condom can cause the condom to leak and/or break. And unlike water-based lubes, oils do not evaporate readily. While oil is absorbed over time, that absorption rate likely varies based on many factors, including age. Oiling up internally? Now we’re talking vaginal versus anal absorption rates! The bottom line: We have not found sufficient studies to issue a reliable recommendation on what an overall safe time frame might be. So here’s the deal: Oil or condoms—choose one.”

I would add only this: Condoms made out of polyurethane are more expensive, but you can safely use them with oil-based lube.


I’m a straight guy who loves the female body—the look, touch and smell. I’m in my mid-30s; I’ve never had a serious relationship; and I don’t know if I’m capable of falling in love. I’m exclusively into trans women, and I’ve kept it a secret, because it’s nobody’s business. If I were in love, I’d make it public, but that hasn’t happened. I can’t help but feel like this is an addiction, and I’m ashamed of it.

I’m sure I’m not the first straight guy who’s into trans women who’s written to you. Where do I go from here?

Straight And Struggling

While dating someone in secret isn’t impossible, SAS, it rarely leads to long-term love. Being kept hidden because you’re trans (or you’re gay or you’re big), and the person you’re dating hasn’t gotten over their shame about being attracted to trans people (or members of their own sex or bigger people) … well, it sucks to be someone’s dirty secret. And a healthy trans (or gay or big) person—the kind of person you might be able to fall in love with—isn’t going to put up with that shit.

So it’s a catch-22: So long as you keep the women you date a secret, none of them are going to stay in your life for long. They’ll be either so damaged that you want them out of your life, or not damaged enough to want you in theirs.

On the Lovecast, the truth about human trafficking: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m an adult man, and I have developed a trans attraction after following a particular Tumblr blog. That blog is now gone, sadly, since all adult content has been purged from Tumblr. It wasn’t just porn; it consisted of all the things I really enjoy—images of oil paintings and antique furniture, scenic landscapes, wild animals, and then pictures/gifs of trans women. Some women appeared to have had top surgery while others hadn’t. But all of the women featured on this blog had penises.

I had never considered a relationship with a trans woman before, but after browsing the blog for a year, I can honestly say I’d do it in a heartbeat. I would actually like to date a non-op trans woman. I know that many trans women don’t like having their male parts touched or acknowledged, but I didn’t know that a trans woman can only have a functioning penis if she isn’t taking female hormones, and I hadn’t considered the effect that might have on somebody’s gender dysphoria.

How can I meet a trans woman who is hopefully comfortable with her male parts and seeking a relationship? I live in a conservative Bible Belt state—Utah—and I am woefully uneducated on this subject.

Girl’s Heart, Man’s Parts

“My penis and balls aren’t ‘man’s parts,’” said Bailey Jay, the three-time AVN Award–winning transsexual porn star. “They’re mine. I own them. Not some random man.”

In fairness, GHMP, you acknowledge being woefully uneducated on trans issues, something your letter demonstrated again and again. But let’s start here: A trans woman doesn’t have boy parts. She has girl parts—unique girl parts, as girl parts go, but girl parts just the same.

“I’m on hormones, and my cock works great,” said Jay. “Every trans woman is going to be different and have different experiences, and that’s the best first bit of advice I can give GHMP. We can smell it a mile away when we are all being lumped in together as a concept. Treat any trans woman you’re romantically interested in as an individual.”

As for places to find trans individuals who might be up for dating cis men, well, you might want to sit down, GHMP, as this is pretty shocking.

“I’ve heard OkCupid is inclusive, and I have friends on there whose profiles even help people navigate discussing their bodies in a respectful way,” said Jay. “And finding a trans woman to date who hasn’t undergone bottom surgery is pretty easy. The surgery is expensive and even scary to some. It’s not terribly common that a trans woman has had that particular surgery.”

But just because a trans woman hasn’t had bottom surgery doesn’t mean she doesn’t want bottom surgery, so you shouldn’t assume a trans woman with a penis plans to always keep her penis.

“The real question is what her relationship is with her current genitals,” said Jay. “Maybe she’s very dysphoric about them. Maybe she doesn’t even want you to see them or touch them. Even if her body is your preference, there’s a chance it isn’t hers. I personally love my penis and even like talking about it. But bringing up genitals right away can make you seem insensitive or like you’re dehumanizing your date.”

Jay recommends looking for trans women on mainstream dating apps and then following their lead.

“Now, genitals and curt sexual dialogue are kind of my jam,” said Jay, “so I wouldn’t even flinch or blush. But this can be a very charged subject for people.”

Look to the profiles of trans women you’re interested in for cues about their approach to personal subjects. One woman might put it all out there and welcome questions about her experiences as a trans woman; another woman might be open about being trans but prefer not to focus on it.

“Still, never use genital questions as an icebreaker,” said Jay. “You’ll know when your evening with someone is going well enough that there’s a certain amount of trust,” and at that point, you may be able to bring it up.

“And please make sure to talk about both of your bodies,” added Jay. “This isn’t all about if her body is right for you. Make sure your body meets her standards and preferences, too. I always joke that cis men should have to disclose as well. Any expectation you find yourself putting on her, split the responsibility.”

You can find Bailey Jay at her for-adults-only website TS-BaileyJay.com.


I’m a 36-year-old trans man in Portland, Ore., and I’ve never been to a gay bar/venue while presenting male. I’ve only been once or twice years ago when straight friends went to watch drag shows and used the gays as entertainment. (Yeah, my old life was CIS HET as all fuck.) I have two questions: 1. I’ve heard a lot of stories about “gold star” gays who shame trans men and blacklist us. Any truth to that? Am I welcome in a gay space? 2. As someone who’s never dated/hooked up within the gay male culture, any newbie tips?

As for what I’m looking for, it’s really just about feeling validated and comfortable being in a men’s space. Sure, I’m horny as hell and would love nights full of hot anal sex, LOL, but I’m cool just starting with finding my swagger. I have no idea how my personality will develop around other guys. I have a puppy side, a pain-slut side, and a sadistic-top side—and I’m super-curious about exploring all my sides!

The Deep End

1. You are welcome in gay spaces—of course—but there are assholes in gay spaces just as there are assholes in every other kind of space. There may be fewer assholes as a percentage in gay spaces (untested hypothesis!), TDE, but that doesn’t make gay assholery any less aggravating.

And, yes, there are gay men out there who don’t want to sleep with trans men. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to sleep with tall men, short men, masculine men, femme men, big men, small men, vanilla men, kinky men and—yes—even cis men. Focusing on the guys who don’t want to fuck you—whether they’ve never slept with a woman (gold star) or just recently slept with a woman (homoflexible)—is a waste of time and energy. Focus on the guys who do want to fuck you. And they’re out there.

2. All things in moderation (including moderation); don’t fuck around with meth (or with guys who do); get on PrEP (to protect yourself from HIV); use condoms (to protect yourself from everything else); tip your bartenders; ask before you touch; and don’t make the bars your whole life.

And finally, TDE, seeing as you’re kinky, you might want to explore mixed kink clubs and spaces, online and off, in addition to gay bars. You’ll encounter your fair share of assholes in kink spaces, of course, but kinksters—particularly kinksters in your hipper urban locales—are often more open to trans folks than vanilla types. (Tyler McCormick, a trans man, won the International Mr. Leather competition way, way back in 2010.)


I’ve fallen into a social group of gay men who are kind of homophobic. They talk about bottoming and gayness as if they’re embarrassing things. It’s like they’re aspiring to be gay people who are really heterosexuals but just accidentally have gay sex.

The other challenge is that I find them attractive.

These Really Anti-Social Homos

Putting up with assholes just because they’re hot—yeah, you’re not doing yourself any favors there, TRASH, and you’re not doing those assholes any favors, either. Sooner or later, they’re going to age out of hot—and if they haven’t learned the importance of not being assholes by that point, they’re going to be lonely old assholes.

Losing friends due to your assholery is an important learning experience for many. Don’t cheat these guys of it.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex-workers-rights advocate Kaytlin Bailey: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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