CVIndependent

Sat09262020

Last updateMon, 24 Aug 2020 12pm

I’m a middle-aged gay man, and I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. This is a disorder caused by the soft tissue in the throat collapsing during sleep. On top of making me feeling tired and awful all the time, sleep apnea is associated with a long list of health complications.

I’m writing you because I’m into very rough oral. I like it when a guy treats my throat like a Fleshlight. Gagging and retching turn me on. Since I don’t want to risk making my condition worse, I stopped giving blowjobs after my diagnosis. But will giving blowjobs the way I like to give them actually make things worse? The internet was not helpful, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking the sleep specialist.

Really Excited To Choke Harmlessly

“The vast majority of people with sleep apnea have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), which is what I assume this individual has,” said Dr. Anna Grosz, a board-certified otolaryngologist in practice in Portland, Ore. “It results from muscle relaxation and collapse in the airway (throat), which narrows the passage for air to flow and then makes it harder to breathe and get oxygen.” (Otolaryngologists specialize in diseases and disorders of the ear, nose and throat.)

So when you fall asleep, RETCH, the muscles in your throat relax and collapse, restricting your ability to breathe. Your brain—which doesn’t want to die—responds to this oxygen deprivation by waking you up, which tenses your muscles back up, un-collapsing them, and allowing you to breathe again.

“Someone with OSA gags or chokes in response to the apnea, not as a cause,” Dr. Grosz clarified. “And while the contraction of the muscles opens the airway, it leads to poor sleep, because the person is constantly being woken up.”

Now for the good news: Dr. Grosz doesn’t think choking on dick is going to make your OSA any worse, RETCH—and it might even make it better. “Theoretically,” said Dr. Grosz, “increased tone of the muscles of the airway might be a good thing in terms of strengthening those muscles.”

Now, there’s no evidence that having your throat used like a Fleshlight will strengthen your ol’ throat muscles, but there’s no evidence that getting face-fucked will weaken them, either. (Needless to say, there aren’t a lot of studies on OSA and rough oral sex—and seeing as our public-health officials are busy trying to protect us from a worldwide pandemic and our imbecilic president, there probably won’t be any studies anytime soon.)

“Ultimately, I don’t think your reader is at risk of making his sleep apnea worse by continuing his oral-sex practices,” said Dr. Grosz. “And to improve his sleep apnea, he could make sure he maintains a healthy weight, doesn’t smoke and avoids excess alcohol or sedatives.”


I’m struggling and could use some advice. I have a cast fetish—think orthopedic casts—and my wife isn’t interested at all. To be clear, I don’t want her to be injured in any way, and I certainly don’t want to injure her. I just like the idea of her wearing a cast on her leg. It’s not even entirely sexual. If she would just wear a cast for a couple of hours while we hang out and watch a movie, I’d be happy.

When we met eight years ago, I was in denial about the importance of my fetish, both to myself and to her. I’ve since realized that it’s a deal-breaker for me, and it’s clear we wouldn’t be together today if I had been aware of the extent of my fetish when we first met and been able to be honest about it. Over the years, we’ve briefly spoken about incorporating it, and we had a single failed attempt a few years ago. I’ve finally come to the realization that this isn’t going to happen without it being forced or coerced. She’s recently offered to participate, but only because she thinks she needs to in order to “save our marriage.”

How do I cope with this? Obviously, a need of mine will be perpetually unmet. How do I keep myself from resenting her for not being more open-minded? Is our marriage doomed? We have a 9-month-old child.

Churlish About Sudden Turn

You just had a child—because of course you just had a child—which means now is not the time to do anything stupid. Or rash. And ending your marriage because your wife failed to understand how important your fetish was to you before you understood how important your fetish was to you would be both stupid and rash.

So … take a deep breath; help care for your baby; and have a conversation with your wife the next time she isn’t completely exhausted, CAST, which could mean waiting three to six months.

If it’s clear when you talk that she hates the thought of pulling on a fake cast and watching a movie with you—what you say you need to be happy—that will come out in the conversation. But if she’s come to understand how important this cast business is to you and how little it actually requires of her, please do yourself, your wife, and your baby a favor, and take the yes you’ve always wanted for a motherfucking answer.

And finally, CAST, I don’t know what your dick is telling you right now, but just in case it’s telling you there are hordes of women out there with cast fetishes who are also into recently single new fathers with child-support payments to make, your dick is lying to you. A new girlfriend, if you can find one, might wear a cast for you, but she’ll be doing it for the same reason your wife is willing to: in order to make your kinky ass happy.


I’m a straight man who enjoys the erotic “mummification” experience. My wife finds the process of wrapping me in cling film and duct tape extremely tedious, as it takes more than an hour, and she doesn’t derive pleasure from it. So we decided to invest in a sleep sack, which will shorten the process considerably. I found a leather artisan on Etsy who makes them to order. During a video chat about sizing, the artisan made a reference to the “lucky man” who would be putting me in my sleep sack. I informed him I am straight. He apologized, saying that in his experience, it is mostly gay men who invest in this type of gear. I was nevertheless offended by his assumption.

Your thoughts?

Got Extremely Affronted Recently

First thought: If gay men collapsed into puddles every time someone assumed we were straight, GEAR, we’d have to be reclassified as a liquid.

Second thought: As a gay man, I’m sometimes annoyed when people assume I’m straight. But it’s not an unreasonable assumption, since most people are straight. It’s also rarely a malicious assumption. Similarly, GEAR, since all of the men who’ve commissioned this Etsy artisan to make them sleep sacks in the past have been gay, the assumption he made about you wasn’t unreasonable. And it’s hard to see malice in it.

The offense you’ve taken, on the other hand, strikes me as both unreasonable and malicious: It’s unreasonable in that you would come crying to a queer person about something like this, and it’s malicious in that your reaction is so obviously rooted in homophobia (so what if some dude thought you might be gay?) and yet you came crying to a gay man about it.

Final thought: Whereas a straight person who’s assumed to be gay can correct the record without fear, a gay person who’s assumed to be straight has to do a risk assessment first: Is this person going to freak out or get violent? Having to do those sorts of risk assessments all your life—starting in childhood with your own family—can take an emotional toll. So instead of being angry or offended by this experience, GEAR, you should be grateful that you can say, “Actually, I’m straight,” without having to worry about being punched in your stupid face or kicked out of your parents’ house.

On the Lovecast, get serious with comedian Cameron Esposito: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 31-year-old cis bisexual woman. I’m hetero-romantic and in a monogamish relationship with a man. We play with other people together. I’ve never liked giving blowjobs, because I was taught that girls who give blowjobs are “sluts.” Phrases that are meant to be insulting, like, “You suck,” “Suck it,” “Go suck a dick,” etc. created a strong association in my mind between blowjobs and men degrading women. (Men take what they want, and women get used and called sluts.) As such, I never sucked much dick—and if I did, it was only briefly and never to completion. I also find spit and come kind of gross. Even when I get really wet during sex, it’s a bit of a turnoff, and I hate that it makes me feel gross, and I wish I could change my thinking around it.

Early in our relationship, my husband noticed the lack of blowjobs and confronted me, saying they were really important to him. At first, I felt a little insecure about being inadequate in this area, but then I decided to do some research, because I honestly thought it wasn’t just me, and most women don’t like giving blowjobs. (Because how could they? It’s so demeaning!) But I learned lots of my female friends enjoy giving blowjobs—they like being in control, giving a partner pleasure, etc.—so I googled ways to start liking blowjobs—and I’ve started to get into them! It’s great! Except I still don’t like when he comes in my mouth or if a blowjob gets super spitty. But my husband loves sloppy blowjobs; he says the lubrication feels good, and he enjoys the “dirtiness” of it. If I know he’s getting close to coming, or if it gets super wet and I have spit all over my face, my gag reflex activates, and it’s hard to continue.

I feel like I’m at an impasse. I want to give him the blowjobs he wants, but I don’t know how to get around (or hopefully start enjoying!) the super-sloppy-through-to-completion blowjobs he likes. Do you have any advice?

Sloppy Oral Always Keeps Erections Drenched

You play with other people together, SOAKED, but have you tried observing—by which I mean actively observing, by which I mean actually participating—while your husband gets a sloppy blowjob from someone who really enjoys giving them? If someone else was blowing your husband while you made out with him or sat on his face or played with his tits or whatever might enhance the experience for him … and you watched another woman choke that dick down … you might come to appreciate what’s in it for the person giving the sloppy blowjob.

Most people who were taught that girls who give blowjobs are sluts were also taught that open relationships are wrong, and women who have sex with other women are going to hell. You got over what you were taught about monogamish relationships and being bisexual years ago, SOAKED, and recently got over what you were taught about women who enjoy sucking cock. While some people have physical limitations they can’t overcome—some gag reflexes are unconquerable—watching someone enjoy something you don’t can make you want to experience it yourself.

But even if your observations don’t trigger a desire to get down there and get sloppy and swallow his load yourself, your husband would be getting the kind of blowjobs he enjoys most, and you would be an intrinsic part of them. If you set up the date, you’d be making them happen, even if you weren’t doing them. And if you were into the scenario and/or the other woman—if the whole thing got you off, not just off the hook—then there would be something in it for you, too.

And take it from me, SOAKED: To be kissed with both passion and gratitude by, say, a husband (ahem) who’s really enjoying something someone else is doing for/to him—whether or not that something is something you also enjoy doing for/to him from time to time—is really fucking hot. So even if you never come around—even if sloppy blowjobs are something you have to outsource permanently—you and your husband can enjoy years of sloppy blowjobs together, with the assistance of a series of very special (and very slutty) guest stars. And you can always get those blowjobs started—the non-sloppy, non-spitty initial phase—before passing the baton off to your guest star.


Married 40-year-old gay guy here. I hate beards—the look, the feel, the smell—and I miss the good old days when the only beards gay dudes had were metaphorical.

When I got back from a long business trip, my hot, sexy, previously smooth husband of many years was sporting a beard. Unsurprisingly, I hate it and find it to be a complete turnoff. However, he says this is controlling behavior on my part—it’s his body and his choice—and he’s hurt that I’m rejecting him. He also says I’ll get used to it, and he doesn’t plan to keep it forever. I agree that it’s his body and his choice, but I think he should still take me into consideration, and that it’s actually him who’s rejecting me, by choosing the beard over me.

What’s your take?

Spouse’s Hairiness Averts Virile Erection

I’m with you, SHAVE, but I’m also with him. It is his body, and growing a beard is something he can choose to do with the face section of his body. But that my body/my choice stuff cuts both ways: Your body is yours, and what you do with your body is your choice. And you can choose not to press your body against his—or press your face against his—while he’s got a beard. If long business trips are a regular part of your life, maybe he could grow his beard out in your absence and shave when you get home. (Full disclosure: I have a pronounced anti-beard bias, which means I’m not exactly impartial.)


I’m a 30-year-old queer cis woman and a late bloomer. My first relationship—with a hetero cis man—began when I was 28. He was my first sexual partner. I fell in love hard, but he broke up with me after almost two years. Months later, I know I’m not ready to fall in love again, but I have a high sex drive. I masturbate frequently, but when I think about playful/romantic sex, the only memories I have are with the ex, which makes me sad. So I watch rough porn, which keeps me from thinking about the ex. But watching bondage videos alone isn’t the sex life I want.

Should I Tinder or Lex up some rough casual sex? Get drunk and get some more memories in the mix? (I don’t think I could get out of my head enough to do this sober.) Assuming I minimize the risks of pregnancy and STIs and partners who are bad at consent, what’s the risk of going for it? How does it compare to the risk of getting stuck in this nowhere land and never finding a new love/sex buddy? Or maybe I need to get drunk and jerk off alone without the porn and just feel all my feelings and avoid any risk of crying on some poor stranger?

I Need A Plan Today

Do it all, INAPT. Masturbate to kink porn and feel dirty; masturbate to your memories and feel sad; and put yourself out there on Tinder and Lex and see if there isn’t someone who intrigues you. But stop telling yourself you can’t find romance with a partner you first met up with for rough sex. I know lots of people who first met up with someone for rough sex, clicked on a deeper level, started dating, and have since enjoyed years of sex that’s both rough and loving.

Finally, booze has a way of intensifying feelings of sadness—so if you don’t want to wind up sobbing on the shoulder of some poor stranger, don’t get drunk before that hookup.

On the Lovecast, all things weed with Lester Black: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter.

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This woman has gone down on me (I’m a man) more than a half-dozen times in the last three months. Each time seems to be better than the previous! She does not want reciprocation. She has also turned down all my offers for intercourse. As far as I know, she is heterosexual just like me.

What’s with that? I am getting a bit frustrated. Also, without going all the way, am I considered a friend with benefits?

Just Chilling

You’re benefiting here—think of all those blowjobs—and if she’s a friend, you can certainly regard yourself as a friend with benefits. As for why she won’t allow you to eat her pussy or put your dick in her pussy, JC, well, a few things spring to mind. She could be one of those women who love to give head, and that’s all she wants from a casual partner. Or she could have body-image issues. Or she could have a sexually transmitted infection, and she’d rather blow than disclose. Or she might be unwilling to risk pregnancy. Or she could be intersex or trans and not ready to open up.

If you enjoy those blowjobs—if you’re enjoying the benefits—focus on what you are getting instead of what you’re not.


My husband and I occasionally go to swingers clubs. I don’t want to inadvertently fuck any Trump supporters, but I hate the idea of bringing up politics and killing everyone’s collective boner. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Occasionally Swinging

At the risk of killing your boner forever, OS, the organized swinging scene “leans right,” as pollster Charlie Cook would put it if Charlie Cook polled swingers. Easily half of the couples I met at a big swingers convention I attended in Las Vegas told me they were Republicans. One man—a swinger from Texas—told me he was a “traditional values” type of guy, and that’s why he opposed same-sex marriage. Fun fact: His wife was off fucking someone else’s husband while we were chitchatting in the hotel bar. Good times.


I’m a happily married 35-year-old mom. I have a loving and devoted husband. Recently, I started a job to get out of the house more and interact with more people.

Well, it turns out my new boss is a real hottie. I have a crush on him and often find myself fantasizing about him. While I know these feelings can be normal, I tend to fixate/obsess. I’m basically looking for advice on how to move past this crush or maybe find a more productive outlet.

Newbie Fantasizing

Here’s a more productive outlet: Turn out the lights; climb on top of your husband; get him hard; then sink your pussy down on his cock and ride him while you fantasize about your boss. (Perhaps this is better described as a more productive inlet?) Bonus points if you and your husband are both secure enough in your marriage and cognizant enough of reality to regard crushes on others as normal and, so long as they remain crushes, not a threat to your marriage or commitment. Because then you can talk dirty with your husband about your boss—he can even pretend to be your boss—while you ride your husband’s cock.


The other night while my wife and I were watching porn and masturbating together, I suggested we masturbate in front of DirtyRoulette. I briefly explained what the site is about. She asked me if that’s what I do—if I get on DR when I masturbate. I replied yes, sometimes—and she was so taken aback that she ended our masturbation session to process it. We’re fine now, but do you think this is “cheating”?

Dirty Rouletting

I don’t think it’s cheating, DR, but you aren’t married to me. In other words, if your wife regards you masturbating with strangers on the internet as cheating, then it’s cheating. There are, of course, some people out there who regard too many things as cheating—fantasizing about others, looking at porn, even non-webcam-or-porn-enhanced masturbation. People who think this way usually regard cheating as unforgivable and, consequently, their relationships are doomed to failure.


I’m a gay woman in an open marriage. I have met some women I am interested in who are bi and have husbands or male lovers. While I’m into being with these women, I have a concern: I know that sperm can’t live outside of the body very long, but it can still be alive and kicking inside a woman for several days. If a woman fucks a man, and hours or days later, I fuck that woman with fingers or toys that are later inside of me, can I accidentally get pregnant?

Actively Looking

No.


I’m deep in the grips of a run-of-the-mill midlife crisis. My marriage is in a slump, and I’ve been sexless longer than at any time since I was a teenager. My wife has granted me the DADT “hall pass,” but I have no idea how to go about using it. My life is work, children, activities related to the children, and a few solo hobbies to keep myself fit and sane. I rarely meet new people, except at work, and I can’t start a relationship with anyone I meet there. In fact, my career means I am subject to a fair amount of social scrutiny, and discretion is paramount.

Do you have any suggestions?

Hall Passing

Remember Ashley Madison? The hookup site for married people looking for affair partners? The site that did a terrible job of protecting its user data? The site that got hacked? A hack that outed millions of adulterers and ruined lives? Well, according to a story at the Outline, Ashley Madison is back, baby, and lots of women—real women, not the bots that plagued the site pre-hack—are using it. “Once the dust had settled and other scandals entered the headlines, many people largely forgot about Ashley Madison,” Stephanie Russell-Kraft reports. “This might explain why Ashley Madison’s user numbers have shot up in recent years.”


Any etiquette tips or best practices for introducing my husband to my boyfriend?

Poly Processing

Keep it casual and keep it brief, PP. A quick drink before you and your husband head to a sold-out show for which you have only two tickets. If your husband has an unexpectedly emotional reaction to meeting your boyfriend in the flesh—if it dredges up jealousy issues—you won’t be putting him in a situation where he has to bottle that up for hours or, worse yet, for a weekend.


Hey, Dan, you missed an opportunity in your response to Afraid To Bleed. She wrote that she bleeds whenever she has sex, and she was concerned about her partner’s aversion to blood, which you did address. But women should not bleed after vaginal intercourse. There are many reasons why they might—so it needs to be investigated. Please encourage ATB to visit a doctor.

Concerned Reader

Big oversight on my part; thank you for writing in!

On the Lovecast: Finally! A sex-advice/rabbit-care podcast mash-up! savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

When I started dating my husband, he told me he had a low libido. I said I could deal with that. We waited several months before having sex, and then after we started, it was infrequent and impersonal. There was some slow improvement over the three years we dated. Then we got married, and suddenly he had no libido at all. He blamed health problems and assured me he was trying to address them. Despite being diagnosed and successfully treated for multiple physical and mental health issues over time, things only got worse.

After four years of marriage, the relationship has become strictly platonic. I can’t even start a conversation about intimacy without him getting irritated. After we married, he also decided he no longer wanted children, and I eventually convinced myself it was probably for the best, given his health. We built our dream home, adopted a pet and built an outwardly successful life together. I was, if not happy, at least complacent—until I ran into an ex-boyfriend at a party.

We split many years ago on good terms. We ended up talking about how important it is to him to have a biological child—something we talked about a lot when we were dating—and we got physically close, and that got me thinking about how much I missed sex with him. Ever since, I’ve been thinking about him. I think he was hinting that he wants me back, and right now, that sounds like the answer to all my problems. But if not, I don’t want to leave my hubby and lose the decent life we built together. Plus, my leaving would hurt my husband’s feelings, his health and his finances. I also worry that people would blame me, because it will look like I left because things were tough.

Can I follow up and clarify with my ex before I break it off with my husband, or is that too much like cheating? Is it selfish of me to even consider leaving at this point? I’m a 30-year-old woman, so I don’t have a lot of time left to decide about children.

Indecisively Married Dame On Nearing Exit

Here’s something I’ve never seen in my inbox: a letter from someone explaining how sex with their partner was infrequent, impersonal, uninspired, unimaginative, etc. at first but—holy moly—the sex got a fuck of a lot better after the wedding! Now, maybe that happens—maybe that happened for you, dear reader (if so, please write in)—but I can’t imagine it happens often. So, boys and girls and enbies, if the sex isn’t good at or very near the beginning, the passage of time and/or muttering of vows isn’t going to fix it. If sex is important to you—if you wouldn’t be content in a companionate marriage and/or don’t want to wind up in divorce court one day—hold out for someone with whom you click sexually.

OK, IMDONE, either your husband married you under false pretenses—putting out/in just enough to convince you to marry him and only pretending to want kids—or his good-faith efforts to resolve his health issues didn’t help (at least where sex is concerned), and he changed his mind about being a dad (perhaps because he doesn’t feel healthy enough to do the work of parenting). Either way, you’re free to go. Even if the sex was good, and your husband wanted 30 kids, you’d still be free to go.

Whether or not you stay, IMDONE, you should explore your options before making up your mind. So go ahead and call your ex, and ask him if he’d like to get coffee with you—in a public place and shortly before an appointment you can’t cancel. Your ex may have been hinting about wanting to get back together, or he may not want to get back together and was engaged in what he thought was a little harmless/nostalgic flirtation—harmless, because he knows you’re married and presumably unavailable. There’s only one way to find out what your ex wants or doesn’t want, and that’s by asking your ex. So ask.

While that convo could be regarded as pre-cheating or cheating-prep or even cheating-adjacent, it isn’t cheating. You married someone who unilaterally changed the terms and conditions of your marriage—no sex, no kids—and you have an absolute right to think through your options. And a husband who won’t even discuss intimacy with you can’t ask you to refrain from contemplating or even discussing intimacy with one of those options.

Whether you have that convo with your ex or not, IMDONE, you need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this marriage. You’re only 30, and you wanted and still want kids. Ex-boyfriend or no ex-boyfriend, you can leave your husband—and you can leave him without abandoning him. You can still be there for him emotionally; you can offer what help you can financially; and you can help him secure health insurance.

Finally, IMDONE, you frame your choice as the husband or the ex—one or the other—but there is another option. It’s the longest of long shots, I realize, but I’m going to toss it out there anyway: one or the other or both. Your husband would have to agree to an open relationship, and your ex-boyfriend––if, again, he’s interested at all—would have to agree to it, too.

Good luck.


You ran a letter about a gay man (“Sam”) who has been sucking off his straight friend. Sam said he’s never done this before and isn’t turned on by the idea of “servicing straight guys.” I am a gay man who enjoys sucking off straight guys, and I wanted to share my perspective.

I’m not trying to “convert” them. I simply find that straight guys have less emotional baggage than most gay guys. A guy’s dick is his proudest possession. They like to have them admired, especially the straight guys who don’t often get much feedback about their dicks from women. I’m very skilled, so it’s a thrill for me to give a guy a lot of pleasure. I like doing things that make other folks happy, and sucking dick is something that’s appreciated.

I’ve known one guy for about 20 years, and after many years apart, he is wanting to see me again. I don’t want a relationship; I don’t want to have to think about two people and have to adjust my plans. It’s hard enough to plan for just me. I prefer the friendship and the occasional dick-sucking. They can always trust me to be straightforward with them. I will never take advantage of them, even when they get drunk. I like pleasing them and having their trust. And for the big question everybody asks: “Do you get lonely?” No, I don’t. I have all kinds of friends and lots of interests and hobbies. And from time to time, I get to suck a guy’s dick.

Whatever Acronym Works

Like most gay guys, WAW, you’ve got some baggage there of your own. You don’t want a relationship—and, hey, that’s fine! Not everyone wants to pair or triple or quad off, and not everyone has to want that. But you’re seeking out straight guys not because they have less baggage on average than gay guys (they don’t), but because straight guys won’t be interested in you romantically, and consequently won’t demand a commitment from you or ask you to prioritize their needs and feelings the way a boyfriend would. So it’s not that you and all the straight guys you’re sucking off are baggage-free, WAW; it’s that your baggage fits so neatly inside theirs that you can momentarily forget you’ve got any at all.

On the Lovecast, is porn getting more and more violent?: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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I am a 24-year-old straight guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than four years. One of the reasons we broke up was a general lack of sexual compatibility. She had a particular aversion to oral sex—both giving and receiving. I didn’t get a blowjob the whole time we were together. Which brings me to why I am writing: One of my closest friends, “Sam,” is a gay guy. Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I was discussing my lack of oral sex with Sam, and he said he’d be willing to “help me out.” I agreed, and Sam gave me an earth-shattering blowjob. I was glad to get some and had no hang-ups about a guy sucking me.

Since then, Sam has blown me three more times. My problem is I am starting to feel guilty and worry I am using Sam. He’s a very good buddy, and I’m concerned this lopsided sexual arrangement might be bad for our friendship. Sam knows I am not into guys, and I’m never going to reciprocate, and I feel like this is probably not really fair to him. But these are literally the only blowjobs I’ve received since I was a teenager. What should I do?

Totally Have Reservations Over Advantage Taking

Only one person knows how Sam feels about this “lopsided sexual arrangement,” THROAT, and it isn’t me—it’s Sam.

Zooming out for a second: People constantly ask me how the person they’re fucking or fisting or flogging feels about all the fucking or fisting or flogging they’re doing. Guys ask me why a woman ghosted them, and women ask me if their boyfriend is secretly gay. And while I’m perfectly happy to speculate, I’m not a mind-reader. Which means I have no way of knowing for sure why that woman ghosted you or if your boyfriend is gay—or in your case, THROAT, how Sam feels about the four norecip blowjobs he’s given you.

Only Sam knows.

And that’s why I wrote you back, THROAT, and asked you for Sam’s contact information. Since you were clearly too afraid to ask Sam yourself (most likely over fear that the blowjobs would stop), I offered to ask Sam on your behalf. I wasn’t serious—it was my way of saying, “You should really ask Sam.” But you sent me Sam’s contact info, and a few minutes later, I was chatting with Sam.

“Yes, I have been sucking my straight friend’s cock,” Sam said to me. “And I am flattered he told you I was good at it. That’s an ego-booster!”

Sam, like THROAT, is 24 years old. He grew up on the East Coast and met THROAT early in his first year at college. Sam came out at the end of his freshman year, to THROAT and his other friends, and he now lives in a big city where he works in marketing when he isn’t sucking off THROAT.

My first question for Sam: Is he one of those gay guys who get off on “servicing” straight guys?

“I’ve never done anything with a straight guy before this,” said Sam. “So, no, I’m not someone who is ‘into servicing straight guys.’ I have only ever dated and hooked up with gay guys before!”

So why offer to blow THROAT?

“I didn’t know until after he broke up with his girlfriend that he hadn’t gotten a blowjob the whole time they were together—four years!” Sam said. “When I told him I’d be happy to help him out, I was joking. I swear I wasn’t making a pass at my straight friend! But there was this long pause, and then he got serious and said he’d be into it. I wondered for a minute if it would be weird for me to blow my friend, and there was definitely a bit of convincing each other that we were serious. When he started taking his clothes off, I thought, ‘So this is going to happen.’ It was not awkward after. We even started joking about it right away. I have sucked him off four more times since then.”

For those of you keeping score at home: Either THROAT lost count of the number of times Sam has blown him—THROAT said Sam has blown him three more times after that first blowjob—or THROAT got a fifth blowjob in the short amount of time that elapsed between sending me his letter and putting me in touch with Sam.

So does this lopsided sexual arrangement—blowing a straight boy who’s never going to blow him—bother Sam?

“I suppose it is a ‘lopsided sexual arrangement,’” said Sam. “But I don’t mind. I really like sucking dick, and I’m really enjoying sucking his dick. He has a really nice dick! And from my perspective, we’re both having fun. And, yes, I’ve jacked off thinking about it after each time I sucked him. I know—now—that he thinks it is a bit unfair to me. But I don’t feel that way at all.”

So there is something in it for Sam: You get the blowjobs, THROAT, and Sam gets the spank-bankable memories. And Sam assumes that at some point, memories are all he’ll have.

“He will eventually get into a relationship with a woman again, and our arrangement will end,” said Sam. “I only hope nothing is weird between us in the future because of what has happened in the past few weeks.”

I had one last question: Sam is really good at sucking cock—he gives “earth-shattering” blowjobs—but is THROAT any good at getting his cock sucked? As all experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc.

“That’s a really good question,” Sam said. “I have to say, he is very good at it. He really gets into it; he moans; he talks about how good it feels; and he lasts a long time. That’s part of what makes sucking his cock so much fun.”


I’m a straight guy in an LTR with a bi woman. We recently had a threesome with a bi male acquaintance. We made it clear that I’m not into guys and that she was going to be the center of attention. He said he was fine with this. A little bit into us hooking up, he said he wanted to suck my dick. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but my girlfriend encouraged it, because she thought it was hot. I ended up saying yes, but I stated that I didn’t want to reciprocate. A bit later, while my girlfriend was sucking his dick, he said he wanted me to join her. I said no; he kept badgering me to do it; I kept saying no; and then he physically tried to shove my head down toward his crotch. My girlfriend and I both got pissed and said he had to leave. Now he’s bitching to our mutual friends about how I had an insecure straight-boy freak-out; he didn’t get to come after we both got ours; we’re shitty selfish fetishists, and so on.

I’m concerned about what our friends think of me, but even more so, I’m concerned that I did a shitty thing. I get that maybe he was hoping I’d change my mind, especially after I changed my mind about him sucking my dick. But I don’t think it’s fair for him to be angry that I didn’t. Is oral reciprocation so necessary that it doesn’t matter that we agreed in advance that I would not be blowing him?

Not One To Be Inconsiderate

You did nothing wrong. And if after hearing your side of the story, NOTBI, your mutual friends side with a person who pressured you to do something you were clear about not wanting to do, and then, after you restated your opposition to performing said act, pressured you to perform the act—by physically forcing your head down to his cock—you can solve the “mutual friends” problem by cutting these so-called friends out of your life.

On the Lovecast, what makes a kinkster a kinkster?: savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love Live at Denver’s Oriental Theater last week was epic. I fielded sex questions in front of a sold-out crowd; singer-songwriter Rachel Lark performed amazing news songs; comedian Elise Kerns absolutely killed it; and Tye—a token straight guy plucked at random from the audience—joined us onstage and gave some pretty great sex advice!

We couldn’t get to all the audience questions during the show, so I’m going to race through as many unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column …

You’ve famously said, “Oral comes standard.” How long before anal comes standard?

How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?


I enjoyed a great sex life with many kinky adventures until my husband died suddenly two years ago. I have insurance money and a house to sell and a dream of using the proceeds to become a sex-positive therapist. Crazy idea? Or something the world needs more of?

Judging by how many people tell me they’re having a hard time finding sex-positive, kink-positive, open-positive and poly-positive therapists, I would definitely file “sex-positive therapist” under “world needs more of.” Chase that dream!


How do you introduce your inexperienced-but-willing-to-try partner to BDSM?

By starting a two-person book club. Order Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities by Lee Harington and Mollena Williams; The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge edited by Tristan Taormino; and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. Read and discuss, and discuss some more—and when you’re ready to start playing, take it slow!


What resources are available—which do you recommend—to share with my male partner so he can improve (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)

Two more book recommendations: The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure by Violet Blue; and She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.


My boyfriend told me that women orgasm only 60 percent of the time compared to men. I said I want orgasm equity. How do I navigate his pansy-assed male ego to find a solution?

The orgasm gap—91 percent of men reported climaxing in their last opposite-sex sexual encounter, compared to 64 percent of women (so says the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior)—doesn’t exist for lesbians and bi women in same-sex relationships. So the problem isn’t women and their elusive orgasms; it’s men and their lazy-ass bullshit. A contributing factor is that women often have a hard time advocating for their own pleasure, because they’ve been socialized to defer to men. There’s evidence of that in your question: You want to navigate this problem—the problem being a selfish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to prioritize your pleasure, who has taken cover behind the orgasm gap—but you want to spare his ego in the process. Well, fuck his precious ego. Tell him what you want, and show him what it takes to get you off. If he refuses to do his part to close the orgasm gap in your apartment, show him the door.


How do you prioritize sex with your partner when life gets so busy, and masturbation is so much easier? My fiancé is down for quickies sometimes but not always.

Forgive my tautology, but you prioritize sex by prioritizing sex. Scheduled sex can be awesome sex—and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can always masturbate together.


How do I come out to my family as a stripper? I’ve been dancing for more than two years and don’t plan to stop. Some of my family members are biased against sex workers, but I’m tired of keeping up the façade. (I told them I’m a bartender.)

It’s a catch-22: People are afraid to come out to their closed-minded families as queer or poly or sex workers or atheists, but closed-minded families typically don’t open their minds until after their queer or poly or sex working or nonbelieving kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blowing their minds first. Tell them your truth, and stand your ground.


I keep having sex dreams about Kanye West. What does that mean?

You’re Mike Pence.


Am I doing society a disservice by dating an international drug dealer?

A sexually frustrated international drug dealer is arguably more dangerous than a sexually satisfied international drug dealer—so you may be doing society a service.


Can I want to be monogamous without any reasoning? My boyfriend would prefer to be in an open relationship, but I’m not interested for no reason in particular.

Speaking with a low-information voter is frustrating, because they can’t tell you why they voted for someone; speaking with a low-information fucker—someone who can’t tell you why they’re doing/screwing what they’re doing/screwing—is just as frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when the low-information/low-self-awareness fucker happens to be the person you’re fucking. It’s fine to want what you want—because of course it is—but you need to be able to share your reasons.


I dated a guy who said he was in an open relationship. We started working together on a podcast. I got irritated because after two months, he never did any preliminary research. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now he’s asking for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back?

Yep. As tempting as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep after you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the situation escalating. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag; set it on your porch or leave it with a neutral third party; and tell him when he can swing by and get it.


How clean should a bottom be? A little bit of shit is kinda expected, isn’t it? I mean, you are fucking an ass, right?

My expectations for sterling silver, crystal stemware and fuckable ass are the same: I want it sparkling.

Zooming out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food—it’s going to make a mess. Making sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that difficult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fiber-rich diet empties and cleans out the ass naturally. Yes, you are fucking an ass, and shit sometimes happens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bottom when it does happen, and the bottom doesn’t need to have a meltdown. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual activity—after a quick cleanup restores the sparkle.

On the Lovecast: A study of asphyxiation. Spoiler: Don’t do it. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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Background: I, a 21-year-old male, enjoy receptive fisting. I’ve also had constipation problems all my life.

Question: I saw my doctor recently, and he tried to link my enjoyment of anal sex to my constipation. (Granted, I didn’t tell him EVERYTHING I do down there.) My understanding was that there was no causal relationship, assuming no serious injuries occur.

Is there something I don’t know? Was my doctor just trying to be helpful?

Fearing Inner Sanctum Tarnished

“There are many myths about anal sex, but this is the first time I’ve heard this one,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician in Seattle and a member of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association.

It’s also the first time I’ve heard anyone associate fisting with constipation—typically when fisting is mentioned in the same sentence as constipation, FIST, it’s as a cure. But it’s a myth that fisting cures constipation, of course, along with anal sex being inherently dangerous.

“Fisting is a safe activity, provided that both the top and bottom are sober at the time,” said Dr. Shalit. “It does not cause damage or constipation or any other type of bowel problem. The same applies to other anal sexual activities, including anal receptive intercourse (getting fucked) and use of toys (dildos, vibrators, etc.) for anal stimulation—again, assuming this is voluntary on the part of the bottom, and that both partners are not under the influence of mind-altering drugs during sexual activity.” (For safety’s sake, of course, buttfuckers should use condoms, and gay and bi men get should get on PrEP.)

While many people engage in anal play while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and most emerge unscathed, uninfected and un-constipated, FIST, getting fucked up before fisting is not a butt-sex best practice. A fucked-up top can quickly become an out-of-control top, and a fucked-up bottom can be numb to feelings of discomfort that mean “slow down,” “stop and add more lube” or “stop altogether.”

Despite the fact that millions of people safely engage in anal play, many people believe that anal play does irreparable harm to the anus—or the soul—and that sadly includes many doctors.

“There is a misconception that these activities can cause damage by stretching or tearing the tissue, when actually the anus is very elastic, and much of the ‘permission to enter’ actually involves intentional relaxation of the muscles by the bottom” and not force applied by the top, Dr. Shalit affirmed. (The top applies gentle pressure; the bottom breathes, relaxes and opens up.)

“If a person suffers from constipation, that should be addressed as its own problem and not blamed on any type of anal sexual activity,” said Dr. Shalit. “In addition: For obvious reasons, it’s not fun to bottom if you’re constipated, so it would be good to have this problem evaluated and treated by a nonjudgmental health-care provider who understands that anal penetration—by fist, penis or dildo—does not cause constipation.”

Finally, FIST, your doctor was misinformed, which is not helpful. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your doctor EVERYTHING you’re doing “down there,” you can find a new doctor—one you can breathe, relax and open up to (in a different way)—under “find a provider” at GLMA.org.


I’m a 35-year-old straight male, engaged to my girlfriend of eight years. While we have a good sex life, she often won’t let me finger or lick her. When she does, she enjoys it and easily climaxes while receiving oral sex. But her higher brain functions get in the way, as she has internalized our culture’s body shaming. She has likened me “sticking my nose down there” to “sticking my head in the toilet.” Whenever I sexy-talk about licking her, she reacts with a mood killing “eww.” But she says she would enjoy it if she could let me. I can’t make heads or tails of it! When we have sex, she cuts foreplay short and gets straight to penetration. Since her pussy is not yet fully aroused and wet, we use lube, and I climax long before she does. She feels pleasure and moans, but she really does not value her own orgasm. But I do, and I miss seeing her climax!

I wish I could help her overcome her body issues—but when I “use my words,” she feels pressured and can’t relax. I am at a loss. Please help!

Loves Inhibited Carnal Killjoy

You could go with a grand, romantic and slightly demented gesture, LICK: Clean the toilet, and then stick your head in it to make a point about cleanliness making all the difference—and since the vagina is a self-cleaning organ, and your girlfriend showers (so her labia, clit, taint and butt are clean), you should be able to stick your nose down there.

Or you could use your words—but don’t use them when you’re about to have sex, LICK. Do it at a neutral time (a time when you can’t have sex), so she doesn’t feel like you’re attempting to initiate by raising the subject. First, ask her if she enjoyed oral when she allowed you to go down on her. (Remember, the fact that she climaxed isn’t proof that she enjoyed it. Her orgasm is a physiological response; her pleasure is a combo of psychological responses and physiological responses.) If oral is pleasurable for her when she can allow you to go down on her, figure out what was different about those times. Had she just stepped out of the shower? Was she a little tipsy or high? Did you go down there without asking, which didn’t give her higher brain functions/inhibitions a chance to kick in? (Please note: Not asking isn’t an option for new partners or new moves.)

If you can figure out what worked and why—freshly showered, mildly buzzed, no questions asked—you won’t have to stick your head in the toilet to prove a point.


My boyfriend and I just got back from Berlin, and we had a great time—until the last night. There was a dark room in the basement of this gay bar, and my boyfriend wanted to check it out, and I did not. We are monogamous for now—I’m open to opening things up down the road—and I didn’t see the point of going down there. I told him that drunk in a gay bar at 3 a.m. wasn’t the right time to open up our relationship, and he angrily insisted he wasn’t trying to do that. But if we’re monogamous and want to stay monogamous, why go into a dark room at all?

Dude Into Monogamy

If it was your boyfriend’s intent to reopen negotiations about monogamy while horny men circled you in a dark room, DIM, that wouldn’t be OK. But it is possible for monogamous couples to enter sexually charged environments like dark rooms, sex parties or swingers clubs and emerge with their monogamous commitments intact. It’s advisable, even—or at least I’ve advised monogamous couples who want to keep things hot to visit those kinds of spaces. Go in for the erotic charge; soak it up; and plow that energy into each other.

So next time, go down there. You might have to bat a few hands away, but once the other guys realize you two aren’t there for anyone else, they’ll turn their attentions to others who are.

On the Lovecast, poly expert Cunning Minx: savagelovecast.com.

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Dear Mexican: Why is it that mid-30s Mexican heinas let their bush go all out? And then they get mad ’cause you ain’t eatin’ them?

I Won’t Make a Pink Taco Joke, Promise

Dear Pocho: Bruh, you’ve watched too much porn—you really think expecting women to have no pubic hair so they can look prepubescent is healthy? That’s pedophile territory right there—I should call To Catch a Predator on you. If the mexicanas you bed are au natural, it’s because they’re in touch with Pachamama and rightfully have no shame with what God granted them.

As for the second pregunta: I actually answered it a decade ago, with me reporting then that “a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at one point in their life.” Now comes the 2010 results from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, which found that 84.6 percent of Latino males reported performing oral sex … but only 72 percent of Mexican Americans did the deed. And we wonder why so many of our mujeres leave us for gabachos and Salvadorans …

Dear Mexican: A young California high school boy of Latino heritage asked me: Why did us whities steal California from Mexico? I asked him who told him that, and he said his father. I told him we purchased California from Mexico, via the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to discuss the history or the details of the transaction with him.

Is common for Hispanics to think California was stolen? If so, that makes them appear very uneducated about their so-called homeland … don’t you think?

Retired Teacher

Dear Gabacho: Wow, so many babadas to unpack here! First off, pick: Hispanic? Latino? Those terms ain’t interchangeable. Really, you mean “Mexican”—say our name, pendejo.

Most importantly, the U.S. “purchased” California and the rest of Aztlán from Mexico the way the U.S. “purchased” Georgia from the Cherokees. Mexicans see the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo for what it is: a purchase done down the barrel of the Mexican-American War. And it wasn’t just us: Abraham Lincoln opposed it while a congressman, and Ulysses S. Grant described the war years later as “one of the most unjust ever waged by a stronger against a weaker nation. It was an instance of a republic following the bad example of European monarchies, in not considering justice in their desire to acquire additional territory”—and all those guys did was save the Republic, you know?

Even if we play your Manifest Destiny game, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was still thievery: It didn’t respect the land rights of the conquered Mexicans, therefore allowing a bunch of Pikers to murder, pillage and rob Mexicans of their lands under the threat of marrying their daughters. “Uneducated about their so-called homeland?” That’s you and your fellow gabachos, pendejo.


THE MEXICAN NEEDS AN EDITOR!

Last week, I tweeted about the horrific assault on Leslie Jones’ website and tried to use the hacker obsession with Harambe as a punchline. People took it as me comparing the actress to an ape, which shows I REALLY need an editor.

The tweet pissed off and hurt good folks—I’ve owned up to my pendejada, and I will continue to do so. This column has slammed raza for our inherent anti-blackness almost from the start, and we need black and brown solidarity now more than ever in this era of Trump—and definitely don’t need a weak-salsa satirist fucking shit up.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Readers: The Mexican is taking the week off, because his home paper is preparing its fantabulous Best Of issue. Behold, then, an oldie-but-goodie column that Art Laboe would approve of—enjoy!

Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject?

El Gabacho Guapo

Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring her to the seminal The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world’s sex habits gathered into one grande book. Its section on Mexico cites two surveys from the early 1990s which found that about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women—more than twice the number your friend laid out.

In fact, the Mexican hombre’s taste for cunnilingus grows once he hops over to the United States: A 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at least once. However, that percentage is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted doing the deed.

The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren’t as prone to panocha-pecking as gabachos: Traditional Mexican men don’t bother with cunnilingus since it doesn’t lead to procreation; Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue near their hoo-ha; Mexico’s endemic machismo produces a culture in which vagina dentata is as feared as la migra.

But forget explanations. The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill, and I urge all mujeres to remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and taking an orgasm in the name of La Raza.

What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America, like a lot of people predict?

El Mex de Durango

Dear Gabacho: That’s the 64,000-peso question, Mex. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country’s fabric just as previous immigrant groups did.

I’m among the latter, and I propose we’ll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English-speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We’ll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try—take over Mexico, and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then, we’ll become too complacent and fat, and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs.

What’s the moral of the story? Protect your children’s future, gabachos. Treat Mexicans well, and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, we might just become Americans.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Published in Ask a Mexican