CVIndependent

Mon12162019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I’m a single gay guy in my late 30s. I’m quite introverted and a bit shy, yet I have a big sexual drive and a rich libido. I’ve always found the gay scene overwhelming, and my several attempts at online dating were not very successful. I feel my quiet ways tend to put people off, and I hardly ever get the chance to show my more playful or crazy sides, as it takes me a bit to feel comfortable to show those. Whenever I was able to, my partners were usually pleasantly surprised, and we could enjoy plenty of fun, but I can count these occasions on the fingers of one hand. I feel most guys just stop at my gentle disposition and assume I must be a bit boring if not a prude altogether.

Turns out I actually have quite a few kinks—bondage being one of them—but so far, I have hardly been able to explore them with a partner. Often those drawn to me haven’t really been of the sexually adventurous kind. By my looks, I don’t really fit into any of the “tribes” that a lot of gay men identify with. Part of me doesn’t care, but at the same time, I find myself on the outside looking in when searching for a nice guy for a date or more.

Would you have any kind of advice to crack this shell of mine open?

Always Looked Over, Never Embraced

The next time you find yourself on the outside looking in, ALONE, take a moment to look around. Because that small scrum of guys who fit neatly into whatever gay tribe happens to be dominating the bar/ pool/whatever—the guys on the inside looking at themselves or looking at their phones or looking at themselves on their phones—are usually surrounded by a much larger group of guys who don’t fit neatly into that particular tribe or any other obvious tribe. And if the guys looking longingly at the easy-and-obvious tribe would look around, they’d see a whole lot of guys like them—guys who might be feeling a little awkward or out of place, guys who are attractive in perhaps less-conventional or immediately apparent ways, guys with hidden depths, etc. In other words, ALONE, guys like you.

And speaking of guys like you, did you know you have a motherfucking superpower that makes you a member of all gay tribes and your own unique tribe?

“Bondage is the great unifier among kinksters,” said Joshua Boyd, a gay bondage “enthusiast,” as they say, in his mid-30s who lives and ties in the Seattle area. “Bondage guys are from all walks of life, and they range from twinks to muscle guys to bears, cubs, jocks and average Joes.”

So just as you’ll find gay guys in every race, ethnic group, economic class, faith community, etc., bondage guys can be found in every gay tribe, and bondage guys make up their own unique tribe.

“ALONE should put any search for a long-term relationship on hold and look for more casual, kinky fun,” said Boyd. “Recon (recon.com) has always been a good place for me to start conversations with fun guys—I even met my husband there. The bottom line is there are others who share his interests, and they are waiting to connect with him.”

But you’re shy! You’re introverted! Connecting is hard! Boyd describes himself the same way—shy, introverted, with difficultly connecting—and not only is he married, ALONE; he doesn’t lack for casual play partners, and he’s got play pics all over the internet to prove it.

Tyger Yoshi also describes himself as shy and introverted—and I recently watched shy, introverted Yoshi do a bondage demo at Trade, a gay leather bar in Denver, where he suspended a guy from the ceiling.

“When I first started exploring my interest in bondage, I was lucky enough to be in a city where opportunities were plentiful, even for a shy, introverted person like me,” said Yoshi, who’s also in his mid-30s. “There were people who wanted to mentor me, but I struggled taking that first step of accepting help.”

The kind of help Yoshi is referring to—the kind of help he eventually accepted—can most easily be found at munches, i.e., casual meet-ups where kinky people, both queer and straight, socialize and connect with other like-minded kinksters. (Munches ≠ play parties.) Spend five seconds on Google, ALONE, and you’ll also find kinky educational organizations that offer classes for people who want to hone their bondage skills while learning about consent, safety and other best practices. And whether you’re a bondage top (you want to tie) or a bondage bottom (you want to be tied) or a switch (tie and be tied), you’ll make friends in bondage classes. And if you wind up clicking with someone, that person isn’t going to assume you’re a prude (they met you at a bondage class), and that person will definitely be sexually adventurous (you met them at a bondage class). And unlike gay bars or clubs, a person’s skills are just as important as their looks at gay bondage parties and events.

“After you start making connections and building your circle, find local fetish/kink events that are happening around you—you may need to reach out to the pansexual community—and see if one of your new friends from the munch or the class or Recon is willing to go with you to check it out,” said Yoshi. “And as you start exploring more of your kink side, consider the possibility of separating kink and sex at first. Let people know that you are interested in bondage but haven’t tried much and you want to practice. Having an exploratory or practice session is much different than having a bondage-sex session, and people may be more willing to facilitate that exploration. And from my experience, if you’re able to get up the courage to go out to a kink play party (with a friend for support), the likelihood of finding someone who’s willing to assist in new or first-time experiences increases.”

So, ALONE, that thing you’ve been holding back until you get to know someone? Your interest in bondage? Lead with that. Get involved in the kink scene; work on your skill set; be friendly and open—be the nice guy—and you’ll meet lots of men you have something in common with. Trust me: Your tribe is out there.

You can follow Joshua Boyd on Twitter @seabndgsadist. You can find Tyger Yoshi on Twitter and Instagram @tygeryoshi.


Is having sex with multiple partners something prevalent in the gay community? If so, why? It seems that having sex is a pretty big deal with gay men. Why?

You Won’t Answer

Gay men are men, YWA, and let’s not kid ourselves: Yes, the average gay guy has more sex partners than the average straight guy. But straight men would do everything gay men do if straight men could, but straight men can’t, because women won’t. It’s not that straight guys are any less interested in sex than gay guys are or that sex is any less of a “big deal” for straight men. And you know what? Women are just as horny and just as interested in sex as men—gay, straight or bi—and that includes sex with multiple partners. But women have to weigh every choice they make and every truth they tell against the very real threat of sexual violence at the hands of straight men and the lesser threat of being slut-shamed by straight men and other women. (Shout-out to the asexual gay, straight and bi men and women out there who aren’t interested in sex with anyone—I don’t mean to erase you, but I’m talking averages here—the centers of various bell curves, not deviations.)

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I’ve always wanted to tie girls up, but I can never convince a woman to let me. Lately, I’ve been exploring “bondage singles” sites online, but I’m totally new to this.

How do I know which ones I can trust? There are hundreds of profiles, but it’s hard for me to believe I can really just answer an ad, meet a girl in a hotel room, and tie her up. It can’t be that simple, can it?

The Internet’s Enticing Dates

It can’t be, and it isn’t, TIED, because no woman in her right mind is going to let some man she’s never met before tie her up in a hotel room. That’s not to say it couldn’t happen or hasn’t ever happened, but women stupid enough to take that risk are rare—and it should go without saying that any singles website promising to provide lonely guys with an endless stream of stupid women is a scam.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. Justin Gorbey is a bondage practitioner and educator, as well as a professional artist and tattooer. Gorbey ties up a lot of women, as you can see on his Instagram account (@daskinbaku), and he doesn’t think you’re going to find someone on a “bondage singles” site, either.

“I would recommend this person step away from the dating sites and step into some educational group meet-ups or ‘munches,’” said Gorbey. “TIED or any new person should focus on groups that match their own desires/interests, and connections will develop organically with time and effort—with a lot of fucking time and effort!”

Kink social and education groups organize online but meet up offline—face-to-face, IRL, in meatspace—at munches (educational talks, no actual play) and play parties (actual play, hence the name). To find the kink organization(s) in your area, TIED, Gorbey suggests that you create a profile on FetLife, the biggest social network for kinky people, and start connecting with other like-minded kinksters at munches.

“Going to munches will not only give TIED a chance to meet people,” said Gorbey, “they’ll give him a ‘guide’ for how to act—most groups generally go over house safe words/etiquette/rules and consent/risk awareness at the beginning of a munch—and they’ll also give what I call a ‘visual vocabulary’ of what a real-life scene looks like. Porn and fetish fantasy often distort our perceptions of what is plausible or even possible for real people in a real-life scenario. Just watching others play helped me identify the things I found attractive as both a top and a bottom.”

There are lots of men and women out there who are interested in bondage, TIED, and the organized kink scene is the best place to find safe and sane play partners. You’ll be able to interact with kinky women at munches and parties—women who will be a lot likelier to let you tie them up after you’ve demonstrated you’re safe and sane yourself.

“There are hours of intimacy before and after the moment captured for an Instagram photo,” said Gorbey. “These relationships require trust, vulnerability and communication. These acts require a lot of hard work and commitment, and they expose a person to risk. That’s why the only responsible answer to TIED’s question is to seek education first, and play partners second.”

Justin Gorbey teaches workshops and intensives on a number of subjects centering on bondage and power-exchange dynamics. To see his work and learn about his workshops, follow him on Instagram @daskinbaku.


I’m a monogamous woman in a committed relationship with a nonmonogamous man. I try to be cool about his other relationships, but I’m trying to figure out how to bring some fire back into ours. I miss oral sex, but that’s not on the table, because he “doesn’t like” how I taste. I’ve suggested bondage and anal, but he says he’s “too tired.” He can make plans with others to have exciting new experiences, but he doesn’t have any energy for me.

I’m at a loss. Counseling is not an option for us, because he doesn’t believe in that stuff. Any suggestions?

Seeking Adventurous Monogamishamy

Yes: Stop doing his laundry or paying his rent or preparing his meals—stop doing whatever it is you’re doing that your shit boyfriend values and is reluctant to give up, SAM, because it’s clear he doesn’t value you. DTMFA.


I’m a 44-year-old straight woman. I’ve been married for 14 years to a husband I love very much. We have two small children. Early in our courtship, I discovered his interest in bottoming during fem-Dom pegging sessions. I GGG’d his desires, and we explored them. He bought a variety of dildos, strap-on harnesses and kink ephemera, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the few times we’ve done this. But I’ve grown less interested over the years.

We both work; there are kids to look after—and when we have sex, I just want to get it over with and move on with our day, not deal with the pageantry of dress up, stiletto heels, collars and cuffs, lubricating buttholes, graduating to bigger dildos in a session, etc. The vanilla-leaning sex we have is great, and we are both into it, but I know being bound and pegged is his fantasy, and he is less fulfilled by not having it on the menu.

How do I get more motivated to indulge him? Do I have to give him a pass to seek out a pro-Dom to indulge this? (Not sure how I feel about that.) Ultimately, I don’t hate indulging his fantasy, and it really does it for him. Not sure what to do.

Frequently Evading My Dude’s Obsessions Mostly

You discovered your husband’s kinks during your courtship—an unspecified period of time prior to the wedding, the kids, etc. And while you say you’ve GGG’d his kinks over the 14-plus years you’ve been together, FEMDOM, it’s hard to square that claim with this: “I’ve thoroughly enjoyed (pegging him) the few times we’ve done this.” Indulging someone a few times over 14-plus years hardly counts as GGG’ing their desires.

Being “good, giving and game” for anything—within reason—doesn’t obligate us to do whatever our partners want. But if something is truly central to your partner’s erotic self, then being GGG—being a loving partner—means making an accommodation, FEMDOM, and finding a work-around that allows your partner to express this aspect of their sexuality without requiring you to do something you find tedious, a turnoff or traumatizing. That accommodation can be something as simple as cheerfully allowing your partner to indulge their kinks with porn or during solo play (emphasis on the word cheerfully), to something as challenging as allowing your partner to explore their kinks with others, e.g., play partners or professionals.

If your husband isn’t feeling neglected—if he enjoys hurry-up-and-get-it-over-with sex as much as you do and wants to be tied up and pegged only once every five years—then you don’t have a problem. But if he’s feeling resentful, you do have a problem. Resentment has a way of metastasizing into bitterness, and bitterness has a way of curdling into the kind of anger that can doom a relationship.

So check in with your husband, FEMDOM, and be clear about your feelings: You don’t hate indulging his fantasy, but you’re both busy; you have small children; and his fantasies require a lot of prep and setup. Tell him you want him to be happy—and, hey, if he is happy, then great. But if he’s not, then it’s time to talk accommodation. You don’t want him to go without; you don’t want him to see a pro; and you don’t want him to feel bad about the sex you do have and both enjoy. So how about this: You get grandparents or good friends to look after your kids once a year while you spend a restful weekend in a nice hotel pegging the husband’s ass between spa treatments.

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