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My son has always liked handcuffs and tying people up as a form of play. He is 12 now, and the delight he finds in cuffing has not faded along with his love of Legos. He lobbied hard to be allowed to buy a hefty pair of handcuffs. We cautioned him strongly about consent—he has a younger brother—and he has been good about it. In the last year, though, I found out that he is cuffing himself while alone in the house—and when discovered, he becomes embarrassed and insists it’s a joke. I found him asleep one night with his wrists cuffed. I removed the cuffs and spoke to him the next morning about safety. Then recently, when returning home late, I saw him (through his window, from the back of the house) naked and cuffed with a leather belt around his waist, which seemed attached to the cuffs. This escalation was scarier. I haven’t spoken to him about it.

My concern about the bondage stuff is that there are some risks (like escaping a fire), particularly if he gets more adventurous (restricting breathing, etc.). This is something he is doing secretly and alone. He is a smart kid, an athlete, and a fairly conscientious scholar. He has friends but sometimes feels lonely. He is going through puberty with its attendant madness—defiance, surliness, etc.—but he is also very loving and kind. He is also quite boastful, which I interpret as insecurity. I can’t help feeling that this bondage stuff is related to these issues, and I worry about self-esteem and self-loathing. We are considering getting him some help.

Any advice for us?

Completely Understandable Fears For Son

When a concerned parent reaches out to an advice columnist with a question like yours, CUFFS, the columnist is supposed to call in the child psychologists. But I thought it might be more interesting—I actually thought it might be more helpful—if I shared your letter with a different class of experts: adult men who were tying themselves up when they were 12 years old.

“This boy sounds a lot like how I was at his age,” said James “Jimmy” Woelfel, a bondage porn star with a huge online following. “I want to reassure CUFFS that the discovery of things like this, even at a young age, is extremely common. We may not know why we like this stuff at the time; we just know we do.”

Jimmy is correct: Many adults who are into bondage, heavy or otherwise, became aware of their bondage kinks at a very early age.

“The vast majority of BDSM practitioners report that their sexual interests developed relatively early in life, specifically before the age of 25,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller wrote in a recent post on his invaluable Sex and Psychology blog. “Further, a minority of these folks (7-12 percent across studies) report that their interests actually developed around the time of puberty (ages 10-12), which is when other traditional aspects of sexual orientation develop (e.g., attraction based on sex/gender).”

While an obsession with handcuffs at age 6 isn’t proof a kid is going to grow up with an erotic interest in bondage—lots of kids like to play cops and robbers—a boy who’s cuffing himself in the throes of puberty and doing so in the nude and in secret … yeah, that boy is almost certainly going to be into bondage when he grows up. And that boy is also going to be embarrassed when his parents discover him in handcuffs for the exact same reason a boy is going to be embarrassed when his parents walk in on him masturbating—because he’s having a private sexual experience that he really doesn’t want to discuss with his parents.

As for your son’s insecurities and loneliness, CUFFS, they may not be related to his interest in bondage at all. They’re more likely a reaction to the shame he feels about his kinks than to the kinks themselves. (And aren’t most 12-year-olds, handcuff obsession or no, insecure?)

“People do bondage for various reasons,” said Trikoot, a self-described “bondage fanatic” and occasional kink educator from Helsinki, Finland. “It’s not always sexual, and it’s almost never a symptom of self-loathing—and a counselor will not ‘erase’ a taste for bondage. Too many kinksters had young lives full of shame and hiding, only to accept themselves years later and then discover what they’ve missed out on.”

In other words, CUFFS, parents and counselors can’t talk a child out of his kinks any more than they can talk a child out of his sexual orientation. This stuff is hardwired. And once someone accepts his kinks, whatever anxiety he feels about them eventually evaporates.

All that said, however awkward it was for you and mortifying for him when you found him asleep in his handcuffs, Jimmy thinks there may be an upside.

“I was extremely embarrassed when my mom caught me,” said Jimmy. “She didn’t know how to respond, and neither did I at the time. We merely went on as if it never happened. But it was somewhat comforting to know there wasn’t going to be a major backlash. It was better than living in fear.”

Now that you know what you know about your son, CUFFS, what do you do? Well, with the burden of knowing comes the responsibility—not just to educate and warn, but to offer your son a little hope for his future.

“Consent and safety are two of the most important universal issues in bondage, and CUFFS has wisely addressed both of them,” said Trikoot. And you should stress both in a follow-up conversation. “There are boundaries that should never be crossed, such as solo breath play, which regularly kills even experienced adults. But dabbling with wrist and ankle restraints while being within shouting distance of the rest of the family is not a serious safety issue.” (Sleeping in handcuffs, however, is a serious safety issue—they can twist, compress nerves and damage the delicate bones of the wrist. He should not be sleeping in them.)

Now for the tricky and super awkward and what will definitely feel somewhat age-inappropriate part: At some point—maybe in a year or two—you need to let your son know that he has a community out there.

“When done safely, bondage/kink can be an extremely rewarding experience as he grows into adulthood,” said Jimmy. “Some of the most important people in my life are those whom I’ve shared this love with. It is nothing to be ashamed of—though at his age, it is unfortunately inevitable. How you react can help mitigate such a reaction.”

Oh, and stop peeping in your son’s bedroom window at night. That’s creepy.

Follow Jimmy Woelfel on Twitter @for_heavy and on Instagram @heavybondageforlife. Follow Trikoot on Twitter @trikoot.


My 12-year-old son wants us to buy him a vibrator. He apparently had a good experience with a hot tub jet and is looking to replicate that “good” feeling. He has tried replicating it, but is feeling very frustrated. (I always wanted an open and honest relationship with my kids so, um, yay for us?) Additional information: My son is on an SSRI.

My husband feels uncomfortable buying my son a sex toy, but I find myself sympathizing with my son’s frustration. But I would be more comfortable if he were 15. We are hoping to figure it out without devices. Are we being reasonable or squeamish?

Entirely Mortified Mom

When this issue has come up in the past—usually it’s about a daughter who wants a vibrator—my readers have endorsed getting the kid an Amazon gift card and getting out of the way, i.e., letting them get online and buy themselves something and not scrutinizing the purchase once it arrives. You could go that route, EMM. Or you could make an end run around this whole issue by installing a pulsating shower head in your bathroom or getting your son an electric toothbrush. (Also, antidepressants—SSRIs—can make it more difficult for a person to climax, so you may not be able to “figure it out without devices.”)

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I’m a single gay guy in my late 30s. I’m quite introverted and a bit shy, yet I have a big sexual drive and a rich libido. I’ve always found the gay scene overwhelming, and my several attempts at online dating were not very successful. I feel my quiet ways tend to put people off, and I hardly ever get the chance to show my more playful or crazy sides, as it takes me a bit to feel comfortable to show those. Whenever I was able to, my partners were usually pleasantly surprised, and we could enjoy plenty of fun, but I can count these occasions on the fingers of one hand. I feel most guys just stop at my gentle disposition and assume I must be a bit boring if not a prude altogether.

Turns out I actually have quite a few kinks—bondage being one of them—but so far, I have hardly been able to explore them with a partner. Often those drawn to me haven’t really been of the sexually adventurous kind. By my looks, I don’t really fit into any of the “tribes” that a lot of gay men identify with. Part of me doesn’t care, but at the same time, I find myself on the outside looking in when searching for a nice guy for a date or more.

Would you have any kind of advice to crack this shell of mine open?

Always Looked Over, Never Embraced

The next time you find yourself on the outside looking in, ALONE, take a moment to look around. Because that small scrum of guys who fit neatly into whatever gay tribe happens to be dominating the bar/ pool/whatever—the guys on the inside looking at themselves or looking at their phones or looking at themselves on their phones—are usually surrounded by a much larger group of guys who don’t fit neatly into that particular tribe or any other obvious tribe. And if the guys looking longingly at the easy-and-obvious tribe would look around, they’d see a whole lot of guys like them—guys who might be feeling a little awkward or out of place, guys who are attractive in perhaps less-conventional or immediately apparent ways, guys with hidden depths, etc. In other words, ALONE, guys like you.

And speaking of guys like you, did you know you have a motherfucking superpower that makes you a member of all gay tribes and your own unique tribe?

“Bondage is the great unifier among kinksters,” said Joshua Boyd, a gay bondage “enthusiast,” as they say, in his mid-30s who lives and ties in the Seattle area. “Bondage guys are from all walks of life, and they range from twinks to muscle guys to bears, cubs, jocks and average Joes.”

So just as you’ll find gay guys in every race, ethnic group, economic class, faith community, etc., bondage guys can be found in every gay tribe, and bondage guys make up their own unique tribe.

“ALONE should put any search for a long-term relationship on hold and look for more casual, kinky fun,” said Boyd. “Recon (recon.com) has always been a good place for me to start conversations with fun guys—I even met my husband there. The bottom line is there are others who share his interests, and they are waiting to connect with him.”

But you’re shy! You’re introverted! Connecting is hard! Boyd describes himself the same way—shy, introverted, with difficultly connecting—and not only is he married, ALONE; he doesn’t lack for casual play partners, and he’s got play pics all over the internet to prove it.

Tyger Yoshi also describes himself as shy and introverted—and I recently watched shy, introverted Yoshi do a bondage demo at Trade, a gay leather bar in Denver, where he suspended a guy from the ceiling.

“When I first started exploring my interest in bondage, I was lucky enough to be in a city where opportunities were plentiful, even for a shy, introverted person like me,” said Yoshi, who’s also in his mid-30s. “There were people who wanted to mentor me, but I struggled taking that first step of accepting help.”

The kind of help Yoshi is referring to—the kind of help he eventually accepted—can most easily be found at munches, i.e., casual meet-ups where kinky people, both queer and straight, socialize and connect with other like-minded kinksters. (Munches ≠ play parties.) Spend five seconds on Google, ALONE, and you’ll also find kinky educational organizations that offer classes for people who want to hone their bondage skills while learning about consent, safety and other best practices. And whether you’re a bondage top (you want to tie) or a bondage bottom (you want to be tied) or a switch (tie and be tied), you’ll make friends in bondage classes. And if you wind up clicking with someone, that person isn’t going to assume you’re a prude (they met you at a bondage class), and that person will definitely be sexually adventurous (you met them at a bondage class). And unlike gay bars or clubs, a person’s skills are just as important as their looks at gay bondage parties and events.

“After you start making connections and building your circle, find local fetish/kink events that are happening around you—you may need to reach out to the pansexual community—and see if one of your new friends from the munch or the class or Recon is willing to go with you to check it out,” said Yoshi. “And as you start exploring more of your kink side, consider the possibility of separating kink and sex at first. Let people know that you are interested in bondage but haven’t tried much and you want to practice. Having an exploratory or practice session is much different than having a bondage-sex session, and people may be more willing to facilitate that exploration. And from my experience, if you’re able to get up the courage to go out to a kink play party (with a friend for support), the likelihood of finding someone who’s willing to assist in new or first-time experiences increases.”

So, ALONE, that thing you’ve been holding back until you get to know someone? Your interest in bondage? Lead with that. Get involved in the kink scene; work on your skill set; be friendly and open—be the nice guy—and you’ll meet lots of men you have something in common with. Trust me: Your tribe is out there.

You can follow Joshua Boyd on Twitter @seabndgsadist. You can find Tyger Yoshi on Twitter and Instagram @tygeryoshi.


Is having sex with multiple partners something prevalent in the gay community? If so, why? It seems that having sex is a pretty big deal with gay men. Why?

You Won’t Answer

Gay men are men, YWA, and let’s not kid ourselves: Yes, the average gay guy has more sex partners than the average straight guy. But straight men would do everything gay men do if straight men could, but straight men can’t, because women won’t. It’s not that straight guys are any less interested in sex than gay guys are or that sex is any less of a “big deal” for straight men. And you know what? Women are just as horny and just as interested in sex as men—gay, straight or bi—and that includes sex with multiple partners. But women have to weigh every choice they make and every truth they tell against the very real threat of sexual violence at the hands of straight men and the lesser threat of being slut-shamed by straight men and other women. (Shout-out to the asexual gay, straight and bi men and women out there who aren’t interested in sex with anyone—I don’t mean to erase you, but I’m talking averages here—the centers of various bell curves, not deviations.)

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I’m a 30-year-old, Asian-American, hetero-flexible, cis woman. I’m also newly diagnosed with bipolar II. I’m on medication—the doctor is trying to figure that out—but no talk therapy for right now, as my last therapist wasn’t great, and I haven’t managed to find a new one.

My question for you is regarding the relationship between bipolar and kink. One of the common symptoms of the manic stage of bipolar is “risky sex.” I equate risk with “likely to blow up one’s personal or professional life” and have always answered “no” to that question when asked by doctors. I’ve had the occasional hookup, but otherwise I’ve consistently had sex in the context of closed, monogamous relationships, i.e., the opposite of risky sex. However, it recently occurred to me that I’m fairly kinky (BDSM, role play). Nothing I’d consider a varsity-level kink, but what do I know? I have out-there fantasies that are varsity level, but I’ve never done them.

Am I just bipolar and kinky? Are the two related somehow? Should I be concerned that I’ll go into a manic state and start enacting (or trying to enact) some of the varsity-level fantasies in my head?

By the way: I asked my doctor this via e-mail, but I haven’t heard back yet and have no idea how sex-positive he is. So I thought I’d get a second opinion. Also: I’m currently manic enough that it’s hard for me to edit, so there may be weird/confusing shit in my letter. Sorry for that!

Kinky And Bipolar

“I’d like to congratulate KAB for seeking help and for the work she’s doing to get stable,” said Ellen Forney, author of Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice From My Bipolar Life, an award-winning self-help guide to maintaining stability, and the best-selling graphic memoir Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo and Me. “I’d also like to welcome KAB to BIPOLAR! Toot! Toot! Confetti!”

The specific manic-stage symptom you’re concerned about—engaging in super-risky sex—is called “hypersexuality,” and it’s what happens when the extremely poor judgment match meets the supercharged libido gas.

“But it’s only ‘hypersexuality’ when it gets in the way of a reasonably well-functioning life,” said Forney. “Picture masturbating all day instead of going to work, or having relationship-wrecking affairs or unprotected sex with strangers.”

If your diagnosis is correct, and you have bipolar II and not bipolar I, KAB, you may be less susceptible to out-of-control hypersexuality.

“Strictly speaking, a bipolar II diagnosis means she cycles between ‘hypomania’ (mild mania) and depression,” said Forney, “so her highs aren’t going to be as acute as they would be for someone diagnosed with bipolar I, where hypersexuality can really get dangerous.”

Forney warns that misdiagnoses are not uncommon where bipolar is concerned, so you might want to get your diagnosis confirmed. But your long-standing kinks all by themselves—varsity and otherwise—aren’t necessarily related to your condition, KAB, and as long as they’re safely expressed and explored, you aren’t doing anything unreasonably risky or wrong.

“Kinky sex in itself doesn’t count as symptom-worthy risky sex—no matter what her doctor e-mails back,” said Forney. “Like for anyone else, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with feeling uninhibited enough to pursue varsity-level kinks, so long as they’re not putting her or anyone else in danger. Ultimately, KAB’s goal is to be stable enough to trust her judgment. For now, she might weigh the risks while she’s feeling stable, so she can make some levelheaded decisions about what might or might not be too risky.”

Forney also recommends having a discussion with your partners and friends about what your limits are—a discussion you’ll want to have when you’re not horny nor manic nor both.

“That way, her partners and friends can help her recognize if she’s crossing her own lines,” said Forney. “And realizing that she’s suddenly tempted to cross her own lines could be a signal to her that she’s getting hypomanic and needs to take steps to stabilize—steps like getting better sleep, adjusting her meds and others I explore in Rock Steady!”

Also: If your doctor won’t answer your sex questions—or only gives you unhelpful, sex-negative, kink-shaming answers—find yourself a new doctor. And there are letters I have to read three times before I can figure out what the fuck is going on. Your letter was as lucid as it was charming.

Therapists across the country are recommending Rock Steady to their patients with mood disorders, and Forney won a Media Partner Award from the National Alliance for Mental Illness for her work on Rock Steady and Marbles. If you haven’t already, KAB, please pick up Forney’s books. You’ll benefit from her insights, her advice and her coping strategies. And thanks to Forney’s art and sense of humor, both books are a delight to read.


I am 36 and female, and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for seven years. We were friends for four years before we started dating. He is very slow at making decisions and not a risk-taker, and I am somewhat opposite of that. I think there are times when you need to take a leap of faith, and if it turns out it was a mistake, you learn and grow from it.

We lived together on his family’s property the first six years after I moved to his hometown. He’s waiting in hopes that the property gets handed down to him. I don’t live my life in hopes that something will happen that’s out of my control, so I purchased my own home. He moved in. We have not split all costs in half, because he said he needs to take care of the other home. It’s been six months, and I’m growing impatient for him to commit. We’ve had several conversations, and I’ve given him until the end of the year to decide if we should go our separate ways. I said if we are going to be together, we need to be a team and support each other. He was actually taken aback because he thought we were doing fine. One thing he said made me question it all. He said, “I feel that you’re supposed to know and have this feeling when you’re ready to move forward to be with a person forever.” I was so confused by that comment.

My friends say it can’t only be me who wants this; he has to want it, too. Is it time for me to just move on?

Mulling Over Very Emotional Options Now

Move on, MOVEON, but keep an open mind. Seeing you move on may help your boyfriend realize he does want to be with you forever—it’ll help him “know”—and if you haven’t realized in the interim that you don’t want to be with him, you can move back in (and move on) together down the road. But unless inheriting the family property is a sure thing—a sure thing you’ll both benefit from in the long run—he needs to pay his fair share. No more freeloading.


Why should I, a feminist, be OK with drag? How is it any different than blackface?

Tough Question

Drag can be sexist, TQ, but it doesn’t have to be. And when done right, it isn’t. Blackface is always racist. Drag celebrates the craft of hyper-feminine presentation. Drag demonstrates that so much of what we think of as “naturally” feminine is not just a social construct, but quite literally a construction. Drag has the power to explode sexism, to expose it, by complicating people’s preconceptions and misconceptions about what it means to be a woman. Blackface can only reinforce and amplify racism.

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I am newly divorced and have started a relationship with a man I’ve known and deeply cared about for decades. The sex is amazing—from start to finish, I feel better than I ever did, even in the best moments with my ex. And in the most intense moments? He makes me see stars. He is a very generous lover—he turns me on like crazy, and I regularly come while sexting with him. But I have yet to have an orgasm with him.

In the past, I have had an orgasm with a partner only from oral—or very occasionally from digital clit stim. My ex-husband was not skilled at oral, so I always had to fantasize pretty hard to get there (and regularly chose not to bother). My new partner has amazing moves and amazing oral skills, and he is willing to keep at it for as long as it takes—but regardless of how amazing I feel when he’s going down on me, every single time, I eventually hit a wall where I am just done. I haven’t had a single session with him where I’m left feeling unfulfilled, despite the lack of orgasm. In contrast, any sex with my ex that didn’t end in an orgasm left me feeling frustrated or, worse yet, bored. (There were also times when I’d ask my ex to leave the room so I could masturbate after sex.)

Do you have any ideas as to why I can’t get over that hump? I wonder if I just need him to be more boring and repetitive so that I can focus. But if that’s the case, is it even worth it? Why would I want to make the sex worse to make it “better”? Or should I just be satisfied with the mind-blowing sex I am having, even if it means I don’t have an orgasm? Is it OK to give myself permission to give up on partner-based climaxing?

No Orgasm Possibly Ever

Beware of those self-fulfilling prophecies! If you sit there—or lie there—telling yourself that being with Mr. AmazingMoves means giving up on “partner-based climaxing,” NOPE, you’re increasing the odds that you’ll never have an orgasm with this guy or any other guy ever again.

Here’s what I think the problem is: You had tons of shitty sex with your ex, but you could climax so long as you focused, i.e., so long as you were able to “fantasize pretty hard.” Your ex provided you with some half-assed oral and/or uninspiring digital clit stim that didn’t interfere with your ability to focus/fantasize. In other words, NOPE, with your ex, you were able to—you had no other choice but to—retreat into your own head and rely on your own erotic imagination to get you there. You may have been physically present during sex, but you were not emotionally or erotically present.

Because Mr. AmazingMoves’ moves are so amazing—because he turns you on like crazy, because whatever he’s doing feels great, because sometimes you see stars—you aren’t able to retreat into your own head. For years, you had to figuratively leave the room so you could focus/concentrate on whatever it was you needed to focus/concentrate on in order to come; sometimes you even asked your ex to literally leave the room. You created a powerful association between going to a private, safe, sexy place—pulling away from your partner emotionally, erotically and sometimes even physically—and climaxing.

You aren’t able to pull away from your current partner in the same way. Nor do you want to. And, hey, wanna know why you come when you sext with him? Because sexting is assisted fantasizing. You’re alone when you’re swapping those dirty messages with Mr. AmazingMoves, NOPE, kind of like you were alone when you were having sex with your ex.

It’s going to take some time to carve a new groove, i.e., you’re going to need to create a new association—one that allows you to be fully present (emotionally, erotically, physically) during partner-based sex and able to climax during it. The trick is not to rush it and, again, not to box yourself into negative self-fulfilling prophecies like the one you ended your letter with. So instead of telling yourself you’re never going to come again during partnered sex, tell yourself that your orgasms will come again. It may take some time, sure, but trust that your body and your brain are already hard at work carving that new groove.

One practical suggestion: The next time you have sex with Mr. AmazingMoves—the next 10 times you have sex with him—tell him in advance that you’re going to ask him to stop eating you out long before you hit that wall. Then stimulate yourself, either digitally or with a vibrator, while he holds you. If you need to lean back and close your eyes, lean back and close your eyes—but do not retreat into your own head. Maintain physical contact and ask him to say dirty/sexy things to you while you get yourself the rest of the way there, so you’re always aware of his presence. A couple of dozen self-administered orgasms with both of you in the room—in the room emotionally, erotically and physically—will speed that new-groove-carving process along.


I’m a straight man, and I recently got out of a relationship with a woman who would monitor my internet use to make sure I wasn’t “masturbating to the wrong things.” (My kinks are nothing too outrageous: feet and mild FemDom.) I’ve been dating a new woman for three months, and it’s time to lay my kink cards on the table. But I’m really afraid to open up, thanks to my kink-shaming ex.

My new girlfriend and I read your column together—so if you publish my letter, I’ll be able to gauge her likely response if I decide to disclose.

Help A Guy Out?

My pleasure, HAGO, but be careful: Sometimes people react negatively to any mention of a kink, not because they’re necessarily turned off or grossed out, but because they assume their partner is. So don’t panic if your new girlfriend’s first reaction is negative (“Ew, gross! Feet and FemDom!”), because it may not represent her true feelings and/or openness to your kinks. To learn how she really feels, you’re probably going to have to make the disclosure you’re trying to sidestep.


I’m a 24-year-old woman, and three weeks ago, I got out of a long-term relationship with a guy in his mid-30s. Over the last few months of the relationship, I started falling for someone else and began dating the new guy pretty much immediately after the breakup.

When should I tell my old boyfriend? We agreed to stay friends, and we still talk and see each other at least once a week. I want him to hear it from me, but I’m not sure how much time is appropriate/respectful.

Don’t Wanna Be An Asshole

Meeting up too soon after a breakup has a way of keeping emotional wounds open and fresh, DWBAA, particularly for the person who was dumped. (I’m assuming you did the dumping here.) And once-a-week meetings definitely qualify as too much, too soon. That said, if you think your ex-boyfriend is likely to hear about your new boyfriend from mutual friends, telling him yourself (and soon) is obviously the right (and difficult) thing to do. But if your ex is going to find out about your new boyfriend from, say, your Instagram account, encouraging him to unfollow you and letting some time pass—enough so you can fudge the start date of your new relationship—would be the right (and ego-sparing) thing to do.

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I’ve been married to my husband for two years. Five months into our relationship (before we got married), he confessed that he was an adult baby. I was so grossed out; I was literally ill. (Why would this great guy want to be like this?) I told him he would have to choose: diapers or me. He chose me. I believed him and married him.

Shortly before the birth of our child, I found out that he’d been looking at diaper porn online. I lost it. He apologized and said he’d never look at diaper porn again. Once I was free to have sex again after the birth, it was like he wasn’t into it. When I asked what the deal was, he told me he wasn’t into sex because diapers weren’t involved. I broke down, and he agreed to talk to a counselor. But on the day we were supposed to go, he was mad about every little thing I did and then said he wasn’t going! I went crazy and called his mom and told her everything, and she said she found a diaper under his bed when he was 7!

After this crisis, he agreed to work things out, but then I found adult-size diapers in the house—and not for the first time! I took a picture and sent it to him, and he told me that he was tired of me controlling him, and he is going to do this when he wants. He also said he was mad at me for telling his mom. I told him no, absolutely not; he cannot do this. Then I found adult-size diapers in the house again this morning and freaked out. He says he never wants to discuss diapers with me again, and I’m afraid he might choose them over me!

Please give me advice on how to make him understand that this is not him! This is who he chooses to be! And he doesn’t have to be this way!

Married A Disgusting Diaper Lover

First, MADDL, let’s calmly discuss this with a shrink.

“There’s a fair bit of controversy over whether people can suppress fetishistic desires like this—and whether it’s healthy to ask them to do so,” said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “Personally, I believe in some cases, depending on the support of their environment and personal relationships, it is possible, but only when these desires are relatively mild in intensity.”

Your husband’s interest in diapers—which would seem to go all the way back to at least age 7—can’t be described as mild.

“Given the apparent strength and persistence of her husband’s interest, I think it unlikely that suppression could ever be successful,” said Dr. Ley. “In this case, I think MADDL’s desire for her husband to have sexual desires she agrees with in order for her to be married to him is a form of sexual extortion, i.e., ‘If you love me and want to be with me, you’ll give up this sexual interest that I find disgusting.’ Without empathy; mutual respect; communication; unconditional love; and a willingness to negotiate and accommodate compromises and win-win solutions, this couple is doomed, regardless of diapers under the bed.”

Now let’s bring in a voice you rarely hear when diaper fetishists are being discussed: an actual diaper fetishist.

“The common misconception with ABDL (adult baby diaper lovers) is that they are into inappropriate things—like having an interest in children—and this couldn’t be more wrong,” said Pup Jackson, a 20-something diaper lover and kink educator. “AB is not always sexual. Sometimes it’s a way for a person to disconnect from their adult life and become someone else. With DLs, they aren’t necessarily into age play—they enjoy diapers and the way they feel, much like people enjoy rubber, Lycra or other materials. To understand her husband, MADDL needs to ask questions about why her husband enjoys diapers and figure out how to deal with it—because a lot of people want/need these kinds of outlets in their life.”

OK, MADDL, now it’s time for me to share my thoughts with you, but—Christ almighty—I hardly know where to begin.

“Great guys” can be into diapers; this is not who your husband “chooses to be,” since people don’t choose their kinks any more than they choose their sexual orientation; outing your husband to his mother was unforgivable and could ultimately prove to be a fatal-to-your-marriage violation of trust; a counselor isn’t going to be able to reach into your husband’s head and yank out his kink. (“I absolutely hate that therapists are seen as sexual enforcers who are supposed to carve away any undesirable sexual interests and make people ‘normal,’” said Dr. Ley.)

You’re clearly not interested in understanding your husband’s kink, per Pup Jackson’s advice, nor are you open to working out an accommodation that allows your husband to explore his kink on his own, per Dr. Ley’s advice. Instead, you’ve convinced yourself that if you pitch a big enough fit, your husband will choose a spouse who makes him feel terrible about himself over a kink that gives him pleasure. And that’s not how this is going to play out.

Your husband told you he was into diapers before he married you—he laid his kink cards on the table at five months, long before you scrambled your DNA together—and he backed down when you freaked out. He may have thought he could choose you over his kink, MADDL, but now he knows what Dr. Ley could’ve told you two before the wedding: Suppressing a kink just isn’t possible. So if you can’t live with the diaper-lover you married—if you can’t accept his kink, allow him to indulge it on his own, and refrain from blowing up when you stumble onto any evidence—do that diaper-loving husband of yours a favor, and divorce him.

Follow Dr. David Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey and Pup Jackson on Twitter @pupjacksonbitez.


I’m a 33-year-old man, and for years, I’ve practiced edging. Recently, I’ve experimented with long-term edges, where I’ll withhold coming for days or weeks while still maintaining a daily masturbation practice. I love living on that horny edge, and I’ve even learned to love the ache in my balls. But is this safe? Am I setting myself up for prostate/testicular trouble down the road?

Priapus Precipice

A study conducted by researchers from Boston University School of Public Health and Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health found that men who masturbated at least 21 times per month—masturbated and ejaculated—were at a lower risk of developing prostate cancer than men who ejaculated less than 21 times per month (“Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer,” European Urology). Read the study, PP; weigh the slightly increased risks against the immediate (and horny) rewards; and make an informed (and horny) choice.


HEY, EVERYBODY: We’ve got rainbow ITMFA T-shirts and tank tops in time for Pride, and you can order them at ImpeachTheMotherFuckerAlready.com! ITMFA T-shirts and tanks—and buttons and hats and lapel pins—are a great conversation starter. Wear one to a party or bar or parade, and people will ask you what ITMFA stands for—and then you get to tell them: Impeach the motherfucker already! (If they laugh, take them home! If they frown, tell them off!) All proceeds from the sale of ITMFA merch goes to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project. We’ve already donated more than $200K to those three great orgs and another $15K to hurricane-relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Go to ITMFA.org to get your ITMFA tees and tanks in time for Pride!

On the Lovecast, Slate’s Evan Urquhart on dating a trans guy: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a 33-year-old woman from Melbourne, Australia, dating a 24-year-old man. We’ve been dating for about eight months; it is exclusive and official. He’s kind and sweet, caring and giving—and his penis is divine.

The thing is, he confessed to me recently that he doesn’t really “feel.” The way he explained it is: The only emotions he feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about. He says he’s never been in love. He said his dad is the same way. The only time I see him really “feel” is when he’s high, which he is semi-frequently. He uses MDMA, and he comes alive. He seems the way a “normal” person does when they’re in love, but when he’s sober, it’s like he’s trying to mimic the things a person in love would say or do.

I confessed I am falling in love with him recently and told him I wasn’t saying this with any expectation of him feeling the same; I just wanted him to know. He responded that he cares for me a lot—but that’s it. I’m now worried that he’ll never love me. I don’t want kids, so time isn’t critical for me, but I don’t want to be with someone who won’t ever love me. 

Lacking One Vaunted Emotion

You didn’t use the P-word (psychopath) or the S-word (sociopath), LOVE, but both came to mind as I was reading your letter. Someone who isn’t capable of feeling? Isn’t that textbook P-word/S-word stuff?

“The fear with someone who doesn’t ‘feel’ is that they may be a psychopath or a sociopath, terms that are used interchangeably,” said Jon Ronson, author of The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. “And lots of the items on the psychopath checklist relate to an inability to experience deep emotions—like ‘shallow affect,’ ‘lack of empathy’ and ‘lack of remorse.’ However, I have good news for LOVE! This line: ‘The only emotions he really feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about’ is the critical one. Psychopaths do not feel anxiety. In fact, my favorite thing a psychologist said to me about this was: ‘If you’re worried you may be psychopath, that means you aren’t one.’ Also, psychopaths don’t care about disappointing loved ones! All those emotions that relate to an overactive amygdala—fear, remorse, guilt, regret, empathy—and psychopaths don’t feel them.”

So your boyfriend’s not a psychopath. Not that you asked. But, you know, just in case you were worried. Anyway …

My hunch is that your boyfriend’s problem isn’t an inability to feel love, LOVE, but an inability to recognize the feelings he’s having as love. (Or potentially love, as it’s only been eight months.) What is romantic love but a strong desire to be with someone? The urge to be sweet to them, to take care of them, to do for them? Maybe he’s just going through the motions with you—a conscious mimic-it-till-you-make it strategy—or maybe the double-whammy of a damaged dad and that toxic masculinity stuff sloshing around out there left him blocked, LOVE, or emotionally constipated. And while MDMA can definitely be abused—moderation in all things, kids, including moderation—the effect it has on him is a hopeful sign. MDMA is not an emotional hallucinogen; the drug has been used in couples counseling and to treat PTSD, not because it makes us feel things that aren’t there (in the way a hallucinogen makes us see things that aren’t there), but because it allows genuine feelings to surface and, for a few hours, to be felt intensely. So he can feel love—he just has to learn how to tap into those feelings and/or recognize them without an assist from MDMA.

Jon Ronson had one last bit of advice for you, LOVE: “Marry him and his divine penis!”

I agree with Jon, of course, but a long, leisurely engagement is definitely in order. You’ve only been seeing this guy and his divinity dick for eight months—don’t propose to him for at least another year, LOVE, and make marriage conditional upon him seeing a shrink four times as often as he sees his MDMA dealer.

Follow Jon Ronson on Twitter @jonronson; read all of his books (So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed? is urgently required reading for anyone who spends time online); and check out his amazing podcast, The Butterfly Effect. To access all things Jon Ronson, go to JonRonson.com.


My boyfriend of 1.5 years shared (several months into dating) that he has a fantasy of having a threesome. I shared that I had also fantasized about this, but I never took my fantasies seriously. Right away, he started sending me Craigslist posts from women and couples looking for casual-sex partners. I told him I wasn’t interested in doing anything for real. A few months later, we went on vacation, and I said I wanted to get a massage. He found a place that did “sensual” couples massage. I wanted nothing to do with this.

During sex, he talks about the idea of someone else being around. This does turn me on, and I like thinking about it when we are messing around. But I don’t want to have any other partners. I’m like a mash-up of Jessica Day, Leslie Knope and Liz Lemon, if that gives you an idea of how not-for-me this all is.

When I say no to one idea, he comes up with another one. I would truly appreciate some advice.

Boyfriend Into Group Sex I’m Not

Short answer: Sexual compatibility is important. It’s particularly important in a sexually exclusive relationship. You want a sexually exclusive relationship; your boyfriend doesn’t want a sexually exclusive relationship—so you two aren’t sexually compatible, BIGSIN, and you should break up.

Slightly longer answer: Your boyfriend did the right thing by laying his kink cards on the table early in the relationship—he’s into threesomes, group sex and public sex—and you copped to having fantasies about threesomes, BIGSIN, but not a desire to experience one. He took that as an opening: Maybe if he could find the right person/couple/scenario/club, you would change your mind. Further fueling his false hopes: You get turned on when he talks about having “someone else around” when you two have sex. Now lots of people who very much enjoy threesomes and/or group sex were unsure or hesitant at first, but gave in to please (or shut up) a partner, and wound up being glad they did. If you’re certain you could never be one of those people—reluctant at first but happy your partner pressed the issue—you need to shut this shit down, Liz Lemon-style. Tell him no more dirty talking about this shit during sex, no more entertaining the idea at all. Being with you means giving up this fantasy, BIGSIN, and if he’s not willing to give it up—and to shut up about it—then you’ll have to break up.


I’m an 18-year-old woman who has been with my current boyfriend for a year, but this has been an issue across all of my sexual relationships: In order to reach climax, I have to fantasize about kinky role-play-type situations. I don’t think I want to actually act out the situations/roles because of the degrading/shameful feelings they dredge up, but the idea of other people doing them is so hot. This frustrates me, because it takes me out of the moment with my partner. I’m literally thinking about other people during sex when I should be thinking about him!

What can I do to be more in the moment?

Distracted Earnest Girlfriend Requires A Different Excitement

Actually, doing the kinky role-play-type things you “have to” fantasize about in order to come would help you feel more connected to your boyfriend—but to do that, DEGRADE, you need to stop kink-shaming yourself. So instead of thinking of those kinky role-play-type things as degrading or shameful, think of them as exciting and playful—exciting because they excite you (duh), and playful because that’s literally what kinky role-play-type things are: play. It’s cops and robbers for grown-ups with your pants off, DEGRADE, but this game doesn’t end when Mom calls you in for dinner; it ends when you come.

So long as you suppress your kinks—so long as you’re in flight from the stuff that really arouses you—your boyfriend will never truly know you, and you’ll never feel truly connected to him.

On the Lovecast—a sexy toy review that will send you packing: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m an 18-year-old female. I’m cisgender and bisexual. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my cisgender bisexual boyfriend for about a year.

I’m currently struggling with a lot of internalized biphobia and other hang-ups about my boyfriend’s sexuality. I don’t know if I’m projecting my own issues onto him or if I’m just being bigoted towards bi men, but either way, I feel truly awful about it. But when I think about the fact that he’s bi and is attracted to men, I become jealous and fearful that he will leave me for a man, or that he would rather be with a man. (I’ve been with men and women in the past; he’s never been with a man.) I know it is unfair of me to feel this way, and he’s never given me any real reason to fear this. We have a very engaged, kinky and rewarding sex life! But I worry I’m not what he really wants.

This situation is complicated by the near certainty that my boyfriend has some sort of hormonal disorder. He has a very young face for an 18-year-old, a feminine figure, and not a lot of body hair. He orgasms but he does not ejaculate; and although he has a sizable penis, his testicles are more like the size of grapes than eggs. He struggles a lot with feeling abnormal and un-masculine. I try to be as supportive as possible and tell him how attracted to him I am, and how he’ll get through whatever this is. But he can tell his bi-ness makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I think that because he appears more feminine than most men and is more often hit on by men than women, I worry that he would feel more comfortable or “normal” with a man.

I don’t want to contribute to him feeling abnormal or bad about himself. How do I stop worrying that he’s gay or would be happier with a man? I feel horrible about myself for these anxieties considering that I’m bi, too, and should know better.

Anonymous Nervous Girlfriend Seeks Tranquility

“Many people who encounter us Bi+ folk in the wild just project their insecurities onto us with impunity and then blame us for it,” said RJ Aguiar, a bisexual activist and content creator whose work has been featured on Buzzfeed, HuffPo, Queerty and other sites. “As someone who’s bi herself, I’m sure ANGST knows this all too well.”

So if you’ve been on the receiving end of biphobia—as almost all bisexual people have—why are you doing it to your bisexual boyfriend?

“This hypothetical so-and-so-is-going-to-leave-me-for-someone-hotter scenario could happen to anyone of any orientation,” said Aguiar. “But maybe because the potential ‘pool of applicants’ is over twice as big for us Bi+ folk, we get stuck with twice as much of this irrational fear? I don’t know. But here’s what I do know: Most Biphobia (and jealousy for that matter) is projected insecurity. Built into the fear that someone will leave you because they ‘like x or y better’ is the assumption that you yourself aren’t good enough.”

And while feelings of insecurity and jealousy can undermine a relationship, ANGST, they don’t have to. It all depends on how you address them when they arise.

“We all have our moments!” said Aguiar. “But we can turn these moments into opportunities for open communication and intimacy rather than moments of isolation and shame. That way, they end up bringing you closer, rather than driving this invisible wedge between you. The key is to understand that feelings aren’t always rational. But if we can share those feelings with the person we love without fear of judgment or reprisal, it can help create a space of comfort and intimacy that no piece of ass will ever be able to compete with—no matter how hot they are or what they may or may not have between their legs.”

As for the reasons you’re feeling insecure—your boyfriend might be gay and/or happier with a man—I’m not going to lie to you, ANGST: Your boyfriend could be gay (some people who aren’t bisexual identify as bi before coming out as gay or lesbian), and/or he could one day realize that he’d be happier with a man (just as you could one day realize that you’d be happier with a woman). But your wonderful sex life—your engaging, kinky, rewarding sex life—is pretty good evidence that your boyfriend isn’t gay. (I was one of those guys who identified as bi before coming out as gay, ANGST, and I had girlfriends—and the sex we had was far from wonderful.)

And now I’m going tell you something you no doubt already know: Very few people wind up spending their lives with the person they were dating at 18. You and your boyfriend are both in the process of figuring out who you are and what you want. It’s possible he’ll realize you’re not the person he wants to be with, ANGST, but it’s also possible you’ll realize he’s not the person you want to be with. Stop worrying about the next six or seven decades of your life—stop worrying about forever—and enjoy this time and this boy and this relationship for however long it lasts.

Finally, ANGST, on the off chance your boyfriend hasn’t spoken to a doctor about his symptoms—because he’s an uninsured/underinsured/unlucky American, or because he’s been too embarrassed to bring up the size of his balls and quality of ejaculations with his parents and/or doctor—I shared your letter with Dr. John Amory, professor of medicine at the University of Washington.

“An 18-year-old male with testicles the ‘size of grapes’ indicates an issue with testicular development,” said Dr. Amory. “The reduced testicular volume, in combination with the other features such as his feminine face and sparse body hair, also suggest an issue with testicular function.”

It could simply be delayed puberty—some people suddenly grow six inches when they get to college—or it could be something called Klinefelter syndrome.

“Klinefelter syndrome occurs in one out of every 500 males and is associated with small testicular volume and decreased testosterone,” said Dr. Amory. “This diagnosis is frequently missed because the penis is normal in size and the men are normal in most other ways, although about half of the men with Klinefelter syndrome (KS) can have breast enlargement (gynecomastia) that can be seen as feminizing. Bottom line: Small testes at age 18 means it’s time for a doctor’s visit—probably an endocrinologist or urologist—to take a family history, do an examination, and consider measurement of testosterone and some other hormones. This should help him understand if he ‘just needs to wait’ or if he has a diagnosis that could be treated. There is a real possibility that he has KS, which is usually treated with testosterone to improve muscle mass, bone density and sexual function.”

Follow RJ Aguiar on Twitter @rj4gui4r.


I’m a 27-year-old woman whose boyfriend recently broke up with her. Along with the usual feelings of grief and heartbreak, I’m feeling a lot of guilt about how I handled our sex life, which was one of the main issues in our breakup. My now ex-boyfriend was interested in BDSM and a kink-oriented lifestyle, and I experimented with that for him. I attended several play parties, went to a five-day-long kink camp with him, and tried out many of his BDSM fantasies. The problem became that, hard as I tried, I just wasn’t very interested in that lifestyle, and parts of it made me very uncomfortable. I was game to do the lighter stuff (spanking, bondage), but just couldn’t get behind the more extreme things. I disappointed him because I “went along with it” only to decide I wasn’t into it, and I unfairly represented my interest in his lifestyle.

Did I do something wrong? What should I have done?

Basically A Little Kinky

All you’re guilty of doing, BALK, is exactly what kinksters everywhere hope their vanilla partners will do. You gave it a try—you were good, giving and game enough to explore BDSM with and for him—and sometimes that works, e.g. someone who always thought of themselves as vanilla goes to a play party or a five-day-long kink camp and suddenly realizes, hey, I’m pretty kinky, too! But it doesn’t always work. Since the alternative to “went along with it” was “never gave it a chance,” BALK, your ex-boyfriend should be giving you credit for trying, not grief for supposedly misleading him.

On the Lovecast: Dan chats with rival advice columnist Roxane Gay: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

How does one get into the gay BDSM bottoming and leather scene?

Seeking Answers Concerning Kink

One shows up, SACK.

“Eighty percent of success is just showing up,” someone or other once said. The adage applies to romantic/sexual success as well as professional success, SACK, but showing up easily accounts for 90 percent of success in the BDSM/leather/fetish scene. (Being a decent human being accounts for the other 110 percent*.) Because if you aren’t showing up in kink spaces—online or IRL—your fellow kinksters won’t be able to find or bind you. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

“The leather scene is a diverse place with tons of outlets and avenues, depending on how you navigate your life and learn,” said Amp from Watts the Safeword (wattsthesafeword.com), a kink and sex-ed website and YouTube channel. “When I was first getting started, I found a local leather contingent that held monthly bar nights and discussion groups that taught classes for kinksters at any level. It provided an easy way into the community, and it helped me meet new people, make new friends, and find trustworthy play partners. If you’re a tad shy and work better online, these contingents have Facebook groups or FetLife pages you can join. And YouTube has a channel for everyone in the kink spectrum, from gay to straight to trans to nonbinary and beyond!”

More advice: “Recon.com is a great option for gay men,” said Metal from the gay male bondage website MetalbondNYC.com. “It’s a site where you can create a profile, window-shop for a play buddy, and ‘check his references.’ Even better, if you can, go to a public event like IML, MAL or CLAW, or to a play party like the New York Bondage Club, where you can participate in a monitored space with other people around, or just watch the action. Don’t forget the motto ‘safe, sane and consensual,’ and be sure to have a safe word! And if you do want to explore bondage, take precautions. Never get tied up in your own home by someone you don’t know. If you go to his or her place, always tell a trusted friend where you are going. And when hooking up online, never use Craigslist.”

Yet more advice: “Be cautious,” said Ruff of Ruff’s Stuff blog. “There are people out there who view ‘kink newbies’ as prey. Anytime anyone—top or bottom—wants to rush into a power-exchange scene, that’s a red flag. Always get to know a person first. A good-quality connection with any potential playmate is achieved only through communication. If they are not interested in doing the legwork, they’re not the right person for you.”

Follow Metal on Twitter @MetalbondNYC; follow Amp @Pup_Amp; and follow Ruff @RuffsStuffBlog.


I’m a 28-year-old bi-curious female, and I ended a three-year straight LTR a month ago. It’s been tough—my ex is a great guy, and causing him pain has been a loss on top of my own loss, but I know I did the right thing. Among other things, our sex life was bland, and we had infrequent sex, at best. Now I want to experiment, explore nonmonogamy, and have crazy and fulfilling sex with whoever tickles my fancy.

I met a new guy two weeks ago, and the sex is incredible. We also immediately clicked and became friends. The problem? I suspect he wants a romantic relationship. He says he’s open to my terms—open/fuck-buddy situation—but things have quickly become relationship-ish. I like him, but I can’t realistically picture us being a good LTR match. I’m hoping we can figure out something in between—something like a sexual friendship where we enjoy and support each other and experiment together without tying ourselves down—but I have found very little evidence of such undefined relationships working without someone getting hurt. I am sick of hurting people! Any advice?

Hoping Open Peaceful Experiences Feel Unlike Loss

If “someone might get hurt” is the standard you’re going to apply to all future relationships—if it’s a deal-breaker—then you shouldn’t date or fuck anyone else ever again, HOPEFUL, because there’s always a chance someone is going to get hurt. The fact that hurt is always a possibility is no excuse for hurting others needlessly or maliciously; we should be thoughtful and conscientious about other people’s feelings. We should also remember that no one is clairvoyant, and that someone can hurt us without intending to. But there’s no intimate human connection, sexual or otherwise, that doesn’t leave us open to hurting or being hurt.

So fuck this guy, HOPEFUL, on your own terms—but don’t be too quick to dismiss the possibility of an LTR. Great sex and a good friendship make up a solid foundation. You’re aware that nonmonogamous relationships are an option—and couples can explore nonmonogamy together. If you can have this guy and have your sexual adventures, too—this could be the start of something big.


I’m a mid-20s, above-average-looking gay dude into spanking guys. The weird thing is, the only guys I can find to spank are straight. It’s not that they’re closeted—most of them go on to have girlfriends, and that’s when we stop—and they make it clear they don’t want anything sexual to happen. No complaints on my end! But why don’t they want a woman spanking them?

Seriously Perplexed And Needing Knowledge

How do you know their new girlfriends don’t start spanking them when you stop? And how do you know they aren’t closing their eyes and imagining that you’re a woman when you’re spanking them? And how do you know they’re not bi—at least where spankings are concerned? (Also: There are tons of gay guys out there into spanking, SPANK. So if you aren’t finding any, I can only conclude that you aren’t looking.)


I’m wondering about the application of the term “bear” to a straight man, such as myself. I’m a bigger guy with a lot of body hair and a beard. I love that in the gay community, there is a cute term for guys like me reflecting body positivity. For us straight dudes, however, being big and hairy means getting thought of as an ape—big, dumb, smelly oafs. While I can be dumb, smelly and oafish at times (like anyone), I’d also like to have a way to describe myself that is masculine yet attractive. Bear is a great term, but I’m concerned about being insensitive in appropriating it.

I haven’t asked my gay/bear friends about it (though they’ve referred to me as a bear on occasion), because I’m afraid I won’t get a straight answer (no pun intended). Would it be OK for me to refer to myself as a bear, or—as a highly privileged straight cis male—do I need to accept the fact that I can’t have everything and maybe leave something alone for fucking once?

Hetero Ape Inquiring Respectfully, Yup

“If you want to be a bear, BE A BEAR!” said Brendan Mack, an organizing member of XL Bears (xlbears.org), a social group for bears and their admirers. “DO YOU! There isn’t anything appropriative about a straight guy using the term ‘bear’ to describe himself—it’s a body type; it’s a lifestyle; and it’s celebrating yourself. Gay, straight, hairy, smooth, fat, muscled—bear is a state of mind. It’s body acceptance. It’s acceptance of who you are. So if you want to be a bear, WELCOME TO THE WOODS!”

Matt Bee, the promoter behind Bearracuda Worldwide (bearracuda.com), seconded Mack. “The term ‘bear,’ like any other animal descriptor, is a pretty playful one to begin with. Please, by all means, use it and any other well-meaning word to describe yourself!”

On the Lovecast, the robots are making your porn!: savagelovecast.com.

* Math is hard.

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