CVIndependent

Sat12052020

Last updateMon, 24 Aug 2020 12pm

I have a question. I’m a gay man in a relationship, and we’re both really happy since we met a year ago. We’re “open” in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens, and in turn, he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t done anything yet out of fear. I’m not afraid of my kinks; I’m worried that if I ask to go do something kinky, it will ruin our relationship.

I don’t think he was bluffing when he said it was OK for me to explore my kinks with other guys, but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality, and I’m worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause issues. My boyfriend and I are so balanced, but in the kink aspects of my life, I’m a submissive and need to engage in power exchange with someone. I miss being able to express these things, and it feels like there’s a void in my life. That might sound silly, but it’s true. I think repressing them is actually taking a toll on my mental health. Any advice?

Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond

If your boyfriend is bluffing, GAYSUB, you wanna know that sooner rather than later.

Your still-relatively new-ish boyfriend gave you permission to act on your kinks at the same time he asked your permission to fuck someone else. You gave him your OK, and I assume you meant it, GAYSUB; you meant it when you told him he could, if and when “a connection happens,” go ahead and fuck the dude. Seeing as he took your “yes” for an answer where his “connections” are concerned, GAYSUB, I think you should take his “yes” for an answer where your kinks are concerned. So go find some hot Dom you wanna submit to, and let your boyfriend know you’re gonna get your kink on. If it turns out your boyfriend was lying to you—if he’s one of those people who wants to be free to play with others (which is why he got your OK) but doesn’t want his partner playing with others (and the OK he gave you was insincere)—it’s better to find that out 12 short months into this relationship than to find it out 10 years, a mortgage, one kid and two dogs into this relationship.

And what you describe about the void you feel is understandable to anyone with kinks, GAYSUB, and even vanilla people can understand if they think about it for even a moment. (That vanilla stuff you enjoy, vanilla people? Imagine never being able to any of it. See?) Your kinks are an intrinsic aspect of your sexuality, and repressing them—not having any way to explore or express them—does take an emotional toll. It can also breed resentment if your partner is the reason you can’t explore or express them. Which means if your boyfriend wants you to be happy and wants you to be a good boyfriend to him, then you need to have the freedom to be who you are. For some kinky people, porn is enough of an outlet, GAYSUB, but most kinky people want actual experiences.

A vanilla partner is often willing and able to meet a kinky partner’s needs, and that’s great. But sometimes a vanilla partner can’t do it or is incapable of faking it or does it poorly on purpose so they won’t be asked to do it again. And for some kinksters, the awareness you’re being indulged makes it impossible to get into the right subby headspace. If either is the case, you’ll have to outsource these desires to fill that void.

If your boyfriend gives you the OK and has a little breakdown after you get home—if it dredges up some unexpected feelings (and you should expect that it will dredge up some unexpected feelings, so expect those unexpected feelings)—and needs some reassurance, that’s fine. Answer any questions he has, and let him know you’re not going anywhere; indeed, the fact that you don’t have to choose between him and your kinks makes you far less likely to end this relationship. (Sometimes people who weren’t even in the dungeon during the scene need a little aftercare, too.) But if you're careful not to neglect your boyfriend sexually or emotionally, and your kinky dates are just an occasional thing, and your boyfriend keeps having great, big, dramatic meltdowns, GAYSUB, then that’s a bad sign. If he punishes you with drama every time he gives you his OK to play with someone else, then he’s hoping you’ll decide to stop seeking these experiences out, because the emotional price is too great. You won’t be able to remain in this relationship if that’s what winds up happening, GAYSUB, so you’re going to wanna act on your kinks at least a half-dozen times before you get a dog or a mortgage.


My new boyfriend just opened up to me about his kinks. Nothing crazy; just bondage and humiliation. While he usually meets and dates guys off kinky dating sites, we met “the old fashioned way” a few months before COVID-19 slammed us here in Chicago—at a potluck dinner party thrown by a mutual straight lady friend. Your name came up during the conversation about his interests; he told me he was taking your advice and “laying his kink cards on the table” before I had made too much of an emotional commitment.

What’s interesting to me, Dan, is how often this happens. My boyfriend is easily the fourth guy I’ve dated in the last few years who laid down the exact same kink cards: wants to be tied up, wants to be called names, wants to be hurt. I’m learning to tie knots and getting better at calling him names when we have sex, and I actually really enjoying spanking him. But I was talking with a friend—our straight lady mutual (with the boyfriend’s OK!)—and she told me she’s never had a straight guy open up to her about wanting to be tied up and abused. Are gay guys just kinkier?

Talking Over Perversions

I have a theory …

When we’re boys … before we’re ready to come out … we’re suddenly attracted to other boys. And that’s something we usually feel pretty panicked about. It would be nice if that first same-sex crush was something a boy could experience without feelings of dread or terror, TOP, but that’s not how it works for most of us. We’re keenly aware that should the object of our desire realize our desire—if the boy we’re attracted to realizes what we’re feeling—the odds of that boy reacting badly or even violently are high. Even if you think the boy might not react violently, even if you suspect the boy you’re crushing on might be gay himself, the stakes are too high to risk making any sort of move. So we stew with feelings of lust and fear.

Sexual desire can make anyone feel fearful and powerless—we’re literally powerless to control these feelings (while we can and must control how we act on these feelings)—but desire and fear are stirred together for us gay boys to much a greater degree than they are for straight boys. We fear being found out; we fear being called names; we fear being outed; we fear being physically hurt. And the person we fear most is the person on which we have a crush. A significant number of gay guys wind up imprinting on that heady and very confusing mix of desire and fear. The erotic imaginations of guys like your boyfriend seize on those fears and eroticize them. And then, in adulthood, your boyfriend wants to re-experience those feelings—that heady mix of desire and fear—with a loving partner he trusts. The gay boy who feared being hurt by the person he was attracted to becomes the gay man who wants to be hurt—in a limited, controlled, consensual and safe way—by the man he’s with.

On the Savage Lovecast: Would you choose to live in … Kansas? Check it out at www.savagelovecast.com.

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I’m committed to my male partner, and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together; we have a dog; and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months.

Here’s the issue: He met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred, and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night; she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I’m still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now, and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist, and I’m on meds, but the meds have made me gain about 50 pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression.

I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now, I’m not confident enough to be OK with him being sexual with another person, even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me, yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking: WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

You say it doesn’t bother you—it doesn’t totally bother you—that this woman texts your partner day and night, DPRESSD, which strikes me as odd. Because that shit would drive me up the wall. Blowing up someone’s phone at all hours of the day and night screams, “I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING CONSIDERATE! I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL!” Even if you were in a place where you felt better about your partner getting some attention elsewhere, the shit this woman is pulling would still be annoying, unsettling and totally bothersome.

And this shit should be disqualifying—meaning, your partner should’ve shut this woman down already. He should’ve told this woman to knock it off, and if she didn’t knock it off, he should’ve told her to fuck the fuck off and blocked her number. If he tried to shut her down and she kept texting him, DPRESSD, then I have to wonder why he hasn’t blocked her number already. Assuming he’s telling you the truth about not being attracted to her—and it sounds like he is—he may have allowed this to go on, because he enjoys feeling desirable, and/or he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. If it’s the former, make it clear to your partner that you wouldn’t have a problem with him finding someone else to swap flirty sext messages with, so long as it’s someone who can sext in moderation and at appropriate times. If it’s the latter, DPRESSD, make it clear to your partner that this shit is hurting your feelings, and as his partner, you expect him to prioritize your feelings over his former co-worker’s feelings.

All that said, DPRESSD, even if the thought of your partner going off to play with another woman didn’t make you feel insecure, you wouldn’t want your partner getting blown by this particular woman. Even if your partner has never said, “Don’t text me at all hours of the day and night,” that’s no excuse. No one wants their phone or their partner’s phone blowing up at 3 a.m.; that’s not a boundary anyone should have to articulate to set, and articulated or not, no one with any common sense would do that. (And, holy crap, if this is how this woman behaves in pursuit of your partner’s big cock, how is she gonna behave after she gets a taste?)

As for the house issue, DPRESSD, press your partner to clarify his sudden hesitancy. It may have nothing to do with your relationship; it’s entirely possible that he’s freaked out by the state of the world—because, my God, who isn’t?—and he’s having second thoughts about sinking his savings into a house. Depression often puts the worst possible spin on things; it can lead us to reject a calming truth someone is telling us in favor of an alarming lie we’re telling ourselves. Don’t fall into that trap.

And finally, DPRESSD, please talk to your doctor about switching out your meds. If weight gain is a side effect of the ones you’re on now, and weight gain is making you more depressed, then it doesn’t make sense to keep treating your depression with the meds you’re on now. A different med might give you the same benefits without this particular side effect.


I met someone I connected with during quarantine. We’ve all but committed to screwing our brains out after we’re given the all-clear. But she recently suffered a devastating loss. We will meet, on her terms, most likely very soon. I know I should follow her lead, but should I avoid sex even if she wants to have sex? I don’t know if sex will help or hurt. Is being chaste and supportive the right move? Can sex help in a time of loss? I just don’t want to be the asshole someone winds up writing to you for advice about.

Looking Over Sexual Timing

Follow her lead—that’s a good impulse—and if she wants to have sex after you’ve met in person and after you’ve made it clear to her that there’s no rush, LOST, and if you want to have sex after you’ve met her in person, go ahead and have sex. Some people find sex after a devastating loss to be healing and affirming, and the last thing that person needs is for someone else to decide they shouldn’t be having sex or even wanting to have sex.

As for the all-clear you’re waiting for, well, that could be a long time off, seeing as COVID-19 rates are spiking all over the country. If you decide you can’t wait for the all-clear, please consult the New York Health Department’s safer-sex/harm-reduction recommendations for people who want to have sex during this pandemic. (Google “New York Health,” “coronavirus,” and “sex.”) To quickly summarize: You can minimize your risk of contracting or transmitting COVID-19 by wearing a mask, not eating ass, using condoms, and using a glory hole.


I’m a woman who has been dating someone long-distance for seven months. I’ve been transparent about my need for an open relationship. Recently, this gentleman asked me to tell him if I slept with someone else. I agreed, because I’m not sleeping with anyone at the moment due to COVID-19. But since March, I’ve been having phone sex with a long-term booty call who lives across the country. Neither knows about the other, and neither one knows I’m bisexual. No big deal, right? I’m a first responder in a male-dominated field, and I put up with enough bullshit without the men in my life knowing I eat pussy. How much of an asshole am I for not disclosing what I don’t need to?

Not Banging (Other) Dudes

You’re being an asshole—to yourself. Hiding your bisexuality from the men you’re dating increases your odds of winding up in a relationship with someone who judges, shames or hates you for being bisexual, NBOD, and why on earth would you want to do that to yourself? Disclosing your bisexuality ups your odds of attracting a guy who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but it’s easier to weed those guys out early than it is to leave (or divorce) some guy who reveals himself to be biphobic after you’ve made a huge emotional investment in him.

As for the phone sex … you should disclose that, too. If Mr. Seven Months can’t handle you having phone sex, NBOD, he certainly won’t be able to handle you sleeping with someone else. And if he can’t handle that, he’s not the right guy for a woman who wants/needs/requires an open relationship.

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Hey, everybody! We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night, and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state.

I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time, so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go …

Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?

I’ve heard people describe relationships that were three months old as “LTRs.” Assuming you’re not one of those people—assuming you’ve been with this guy for more than a year—and you’ve already said “I love you” to him, and he hasn’t said it back, well, that’s a bad sign. But I wouldn’t describe it as a red flag. Early warning signs for physical or emotional abuse are red flags; not hearing “I love you” from someone you’d like to hear that from does suck, I know (because I’ve been there)—but it’s not a sign that you’re in danger, girl. It’s also not proof your partner has attachment or commitment issues; he just might not be interested in attaching or committing to you. But whatever the case might be, if you’re unhappy being with someone who can’t bring himself to say “I love you,” then you shouldn’t be with that person.

Is there a safe way to date/be slutty now? Will there ever be again? I’m poly but live alone, so I haven’t had sex in 12 weeks. HELP!

While health officials in most places are urging all to only have sex with people we live with—mom and dad excepted—over in the Netherlands, health officials are advising single and horny Dutch people to find “sex buddies.” One sex buddy per person, and ideally someone who isn’t interacting with too many other people. If you can find someone you trust—and if you are someone who can be trusted—you could go Dutch.

My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend who just can’t let it go. He’s blocked her on social media, but his mother still follows his ex and is friends with her, and they interact at least monthly—likes, comments, etc. Can I address the issue with his mom, or is that just somewhere you don’t go?

Why are you monitoring your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend’s social media? I mean, if you weren’t lurking on her Instagram, you wouldn’t know your future MIL is liking and commenting on her photos. Your fiancé’s mom is an adult, and she can follow anyone she likes on Instagram. And if you don’t want her to think you’re the toxic one, you won’t address this with her. Be the change you wanna see in your fiancé’s ex: Let it go.

I’ve always wanted to know more about your history with circumcision.

My history with circumcision isn’t that interesting: I was present at one circumcision (my own); I’ve never performed a circumcision (that I recall); and I’ve encountered both circumcised and uncircumcised dicks in the wild (and enjoyed them all).

My wife and I are lesbians who just found out we’re having a baby boy! We’re super excited but had some penis questions. My wife wants to circumcise our son, because she says that if he’s uncircumcised, he’ll get made fun of in the locker room. Does this happen? How often do boys look at each other’s dicks growing up?

The circumcision rate among newborn boys has been falling for decades, and now only a little more than half of boys are circumcised at birth. So even if boys were comparing their dicks in locker rooms—and they’re not—your son won’t be alone. For the record: the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend the procedure, and the supposed health benefits—a lower risk for urinary-tract infections and a lower risk for some sexually transmitted infections—aren’t a convincing argument in favor of the routine circumcision of male infants. While the complication rate is low (1.5 percent), those complications can range from easily treatable infections to “amputation of the glans,” “necrosis of the penis” and “death.” Risking your son’s life and most important limb to spare him a moment’s awkwardness in a locker room seems unreasonable to me—particularly since your son can’t consent.

My partner wants me (F) to peg him! Hooray! Any advice? He is very hot! Thanks! You rock!

He should douche! Plenty of lube! Take it slow! Film it for HUMP!

I’m a bisexual male in California. When is the right time to tell someone I just started dating that I’m bisexual? And how?

Mention your bisexuality on dating apps—which is where most couples meet these days—and you won’t have to tell someone you’re bisexual after you’ve started dating them. If you meet someone the old-fashioned way (school, work, through friends), tell ’em right away. It’s nothing you should be ashamed of or have to roll out carefully. And being with someone who can’t embrace and celebrate your sexuality is bad for your mental health; the more out you are about being bi, the lower your odds of winding up with someone who has a problem with it. It ups your odds of winding up with someone who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but if you had to choose between a partner who disapproves (and polices) and a partner who drools (and wants to watch), you’re gonna way better off with the droolers.

Cis poly woman here. My quarantine sexpod contains me and my two male partners. We’ll call them A and B. My partner B has another female partner that we’ll call C. Since we’re already "connected" anyway, would it change anything for me to have a threesome with B and C?

If B is fucking C and then coming home and fucking you and then you’re running down the hall to A, then C is essentially already in your sexpod. The bigger your sexpod, the more people you’re in contact with, the greater your risk of contracting and/or spreading COVID-19. Ideally, C would move in with you and A and B if you’re all going to be fucking each other. But not having a threesome with B and C while B is out there fucking C won’t protect you and A from whatever B might bring home from C.

Gay black male from New York City here. Two months ago, I lost my partner of 17 years to COVID-19. I have a pretty strong support system, but it’s really hitting me really hard right now, because my partner was very politically active and supportive of the struggles of black and brown people. I’ve been in therapy, but do you have any suggestions or resources for how to deal with such a loss in the midst of all this chaos?

I’m so sorry for your loss—and I apologize for not spotting your question during the show. I’m glad you have a strong support system and that you’re working with a therapist. If you need more support, your therapist should be able to refer you to an online grief support group. And I’ll just add: Grief isn’t something we “deal with,” and then we’re done. It’s something we carry with us. And in my experience, time doesn’t lighten the load. Still, the longer we walk with it, the stronger we get, and the lighter it feels. My heart goes out to you.

Longtime listener and magnum subscriber! We will keep this short: We are in a happy monogamish marriage and have heard one is not supposed to share toys under any circumstances. What are your thoughts on this?

One shouldn’t share a toy one hasn’t cleaned—and one should make sure one’s toys aren’t made of porous materials that are hard or impossible to clean. But if one has, say, a silicone toy that can be run through a dishwasher, well, one can share that toy. A fluid-bonded couple can safely share toys during sex, of course, so long as toys aren’t going from assholes to vaginas between cleanings. You also shouldn’t put a dildo in your spouse and then stick it in your very special guest star. But if you obey those simple rules—clean toys, no ass-to-vag, no used toys in thirds or toys used by thirds in primaries—it’s safe to share your toys.

I’m a 25-year-old lesbian trans woman in Chicago. I had a long video chat two weeks ago with a woman I met at the Chicago Age Players Convention—think International Mr. Leather but for adult babies/diaper lovers—and we really hit it off. It felt like we were about to pull a U-Haul despite being in quarantine. We even discussed a visit. But since then, I haven’t heard from her. I’ve tried texting and calling. My question is: What should I do? How can we reconnect?

You can’t reconnect if she isn’t interested in reconnecting. I know that sucks, but you’ve already done everything you can—you texted, you called. She knows you’re still interested, and you have to accept that you’ll hear only if she wants to reconnect. Hopefully nothing’s wrong, and she’s safe. I don’t think ghosting is ever nice, but a lot of people are struggling right now, and some people who wouldn’t normally ghost are ghosting. If she offers you an apology when she reaches out to you again—if she reaches out to you again—don’t hold the ghosting against her. If you never hear from her again, well, then she wasn’t who you hoped she was.

Thank you again to everyone who bought a ticket to the Savage Love Livestream! All proceeds—every single cent raised—went to Northwest Harvest. If anyone reading this is in a donating mood right now, you can donate to Northwest Harvest directly at northwestharvest.org/donate.

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Here goes: I’m a 32-year-old gay male, and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When I’m single or “available,” I am OK. Let’s be honest: I’m a slut, and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone—when I’m trying to have an actual relationship—the sex suffers. With a partner I care about, I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. I’ve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking … are you really enough?

I’m currently in an open relationship with a guy I’ve known for a decade. He’s amazing. Often, I’m hard AF just sitting there relaxing with him. But the closer we get to actually having sex, the more nervous I become. I even stop breathing consistently. It’s almost like I feel ashamed to want someone so much … or something. It’s frustrating, because I would love nothing more than to fuck like rabbits until we were both exhausted. I love him, and I want to be able to please him sexually! Our intimacy, our conversation, our connection—everything else is so strong. But I feel like my problem will kill any future I might have with him.

He hasn’t really expressed a concern, but I worry. I have considered the idea of therapy, but the idea of talking to some stranger about my sex life face to face is just daunting. So what do I do? My other thought is to just blindfold him and say “bottoms up.”

Dazed In Love

So you don’t wanna talk with a therapist about your issues—which touch on more than just sex—but you’re willing to talk to me and all of my readers about them. I realize it’s a little different, DIL, as you don’t have to look me in the eye while we discuss your dick. But there are therapists who specialize in helping people work through their issues around sex, and they’re usually pretty good at setting nervous new clients at ease. They have to be. So I would encourage you to have a few sessions with a sex-positive queer shrink. Talking about your dick with a stranger will be awkward at first, of course, but just like eating ass, DIL, the more you do it, the less awkward it gets—and after a few sessions, your therapist won’t be a stranger anymore. (To find a sex-positive/poly-positive sex therapist, head over to the website of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists: aasect.org.)

In the meantime, DIL, go ahead and blindfold your boyfriend—if he’s game, of course, and I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be. You seem to have an irrational fear of being seen. If your boyfriend were to get a good look at you naked, DIL, especially if he got a good look at your dick, you’re convinced he would suddenly conclude—even though he’s known you for a decade and is obviously into you—that you’re not “enough” for him. So don’t let him get a good look. Blindfold that boy.

Don’t lie to him about why you want to blindfold him—tell him you feel a little insecure—but bringing in a blindfold makes working through your insecurities into a sexy game. Being able to have sex with the boyfriend without having to worry about him sizing up your cock will free you to enjoy sex—and who knows? After a few hot sex sessions with your sensory-deprived boyfriend (or a few dozen hot sessions), your confidence may get the boost it needs, and you won’t feel so insecure about your cock or anything else.

And even if your dick was small—which it isn’t, DIL, because you’ve got the measurements and photos to prove it—you could still have great sex with your boyfriend. Guys with dicks of all sizes, even guys without dicks, can have great sex. And if you’re still nervous after blindfolding the boyfriend and worried you’ll go soft, DIL, you can take the pressure off by enjoying sex acts and play that don’t require you to be hard. You can bottom for him; you can blow him; you can use toys on his ass; you can sit on his face while he jacks off, etc. There’s a lot you can do without your dick.

Zooming out, DIL, intimacy and hot sex are often negatively correlated—meaning the more intimate a relationship becomes, the less hot the sex gets. Anyone who’s watched more than one American sitcom has heard a million jokes about this sad fact. People in sexually exclusive relationships who still want hot sex to be a part of their lives have to work at solving this problem with their partners. But if you’re in an open relationship and can get sex elsewhere, well, then you can have love and intimacy and pretty good sex with your partner, and adventures and novelty and crazy hot sex with other people.

Ideally, of course, a person in an open relationship wants—and it is possible for a person in an open relationship to have—hot sex with their committed partner as well as their other partners. But some people can’t make it work, DIL. However hard they try, some people can’t have uninhibited or unselfconscious sex with a long-term partner. The more invested they are in someone, the higher the stakes are, the longer they’re together, etc., the less arousing sex is for them. Most of the people with this problem—people who aren’t capable of having great sex with a long-long-long-term partner—are in monogamous relationships, and judging from the jokes on sitcoms, they’re utterly (but hilariously) miserable. You’re not in a monogamous relationship, DIL, so if it turns out you’re incapable of having great sex with a committed partner—if you can’t manage to integrate those things—you don’t have to go without great sex. You can have intimacy at home, and great sex elsewhere.

But it’s a double-edged sword, DIL, because if you can get hot sex elsewhere, you may not be motivated to do the work required—to talk to that shrink, to get that blindfold, to work through those issues—that would make it possible for you to have great sex with your partner and others.


I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. I’m a 27-year-old woman, and this was my first “real” relationship. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have considered myself a steady dick-jumper. I went flitting from guy to guy.

On paper, our relationship seemed great. He tries to make sure I have what I need, whether it’s a meal, a TV show, or a record to play. He is stable and affectionate; most of all, he wanted to be with me. But he’s boring. When I talk to him, I want to be somewhere, anywhere else. The more I tried to engage with him, the more obvious our lack of any deep connection seemed. He is stoic and un-emotional, whereas I cry during car commercials. I’m desperately seeking an emotional equal. Every day, I go back and forth between loving where we are and wanting to run the fuck away. I have a tendency to do the latter—with guys, friends, jobs—so I don’t know what I REALLY want. But I feel so incredibly unfulfilled. We have a lackluster sex life, and I feel more like his roommate the past year than his girlfriend. I want to be inspired by my partner.

My question is … actually, I’m not really sure I have a question.

First Relationship Fizzle

Since you didn’t ask a question, FRF, I guess you don’t require an answer. So I’ll make an observation instead: You repeatedly refer to this relationship in the past tense (“this was my first ‘real’ relationship,” “our relationship seemed great,” “the more I tried.”). So you obviously know what you need to do.

Your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend sounds like a good guy, FRF, and you don’t want to hurt him, which makes dumping him harder. But if he’s not the right guy for you, FRF, you’re not the right woman for him. Go back to flitting—and who knows? Maybe one day you’ll jump on a dick that’s attached to a guy you who inspires you. Or maybe you don’t want one guy—forever or for long. Some people are happier flitting than settling.

Join me for my first-ever Savage Lovecast Livestream! Thursday, June 4, at 7 p.m. Pacific. I’ll answer as many of your questions as I can, all from the comfort of your computer. Tickets are at savagelovecast.com/events.

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I don’t want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with 10 years ago, and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend—and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he’d be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down, and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19.

So I haven’t seen him since the last weekend in February, and I’ve been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it’s been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups, and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better, and I don’t know what to do when I finally have to see him again. I’m not breaking up with him because he’s a bad person, and I don’t want to hurt him, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

I feel guilty because I’m choosing my happiness over his. I know I shouldn’t, Dan, but I do.

Feeling Resentful About Uncoupling Dilemma

Pandemic or no pandemic, FRAUD, you can’t stay with someone forever—you can’t be miserable for the rest of your life—to spare that person the routine and surmountable pain of getting dumped. Not breaking up with your boyfriend while he was fighting COVID-19 was the right thing to do, of course, and I don’t for a minute question the sincerity of your concern for him. (You want to see the relationship end, FRAUD, not him.) But don’t wait until you see him again to break up with him. It’ll suck for him, of course, but the world is full of people who got dumped and got over it. And the sooner he gets over you, the sooner he’ll meet someone else.

For all you know, he’s been chatting over his backyard fence—at a safe distance—with a neighbor he would be interested in dating if he were single.


For the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been in quarantined together. Except time we’ve spent working, we’re constantly in each other’s company and doing things together. It’s been great so far. It’s good to know that we won’t get tired of each other or feel smothered. The main problem is finding something to watch or something to do. Any suggestions?

Quarantined Until

I’ve been reading The Mirror and the Light, the final installment of Hilary Mantel’s epic account of the inner life of Thomas Cromwell, Henry VIII’s most powerful minister—the guy who arranged for the beheading of Anne Boleyn—while listening to whatever classical music my husband puts on. But just so you don’t think it’s all award-winning fiction and high art where we’re quarantining, we’ve also been watching 90 Day Fiancé, which is a complete (and completely engrossing) shit show, and The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, which I missed when it first ran. So obviously I would suggest fiction, music and crap television—and anal, of course.


My problem is that I am seriously worried about missing out on life. I’m a man. I find men attractive, but I have no idea how to get to know one. For the first time last summer, I met someone, and we were sexual with each other. He was a hockey player. But he is gone now. And when I try to be friendly with other men, I get called out for flirting. I am gay and don’t know how much hurt I can take.

Making All These Connections Hard

More than 80 percent of gay relationships got their start online before the pandemic began, MATCH, and that number is surely higher now. So if you got on gay dating/hookup apps instead of flirting with random men, you would be talking to a self-selected group of men who are inviting other men to flirt with them. You’ll still face rejection, of course, and you’ll still get hurt. To live is to suffer, as some philosopher or other once said, but the suffering is easier to bear if you’re getting your dick sucked once in a while.


I’m 34, non-binary, but presenting female. Due to a series of personal tragedies (death, deportation, illness—it was not a Top 10 year), I’m sheltering with my parents. Long story short: I’m 100 percent financially dependent on my parents right now. The upside is, I’ve had a lot of time to become comfortable with the fact that I really, really want to mess around with cross-dressing. I would love to get a binder and a masc getup and haircut and just see how that feels. My parents will want to know “what this means,” and they won’t take, “Fuck if I know?” for an answer.

It will be a long time (maybe years) before I’m either eligible for disability or ready to work again, and I just can’t wait that long. So much of my life has already passed me by, and I’m tired of waiting for a “right time.” But binders and clothes and haircuts cost money. Keeping masc stuff around the house means people will eventually see it. Again, they’d probably be supportive, but I just want to keep this private. Is there a way to do it?

Hoping For A Third Option

Other than winning the lottery and moving out on your own tomorrow, HFATO, there’s no third option here. You’re going to have to pick your poison: risk having an awkward conversation with parents who are likely to be supportive, or continue to wait—possibly for years—before you start exploring your gender presentation. The choice seems obvious to me.


I got in an argument recently about pegging and its original definition: “a women fucking a man in the ass with strap-on dildo.” I feel it’s moved beyond that and now means anyone wearing a strap-on fucking anyone else in the ass. My friends insisted that only a man can be pegged, and only by a woman. As the originator of the term, Dan, we turn to you: Can a woman peg another woman?

A New Ass Licker

I will allow it.


Are some people just bad at sex? My partner has been overwhelmed with work, and our sex life suffered a major decline. He’s working with a psychotherapist who told him some people are just not good at sex and that he should just accept that he’s one of those people. It broke my heart to know someone said that to my partner.

Am I overreacting? Is there some way to take this as anything but wrong? Or is this therapist a clown?

Completely Undermining Negative Therapy

There are people out there who are “bad at sex” by objective measures. There must be. But “good sex” is so subjective that I’m not convinced objective measures really matter. For example, I got a letter yesterday from someone complaining their partner is “bad at sex” because they just lie there, silent and inert, while the letter writer “does all the work.” But if the person who just lies there was partnered with a necrophiliac, well, that “silent and inert” stuff would make them great at sex, not bad at sex, at least by a necrophiliac’s standards.

As for your boyfriend, CUNT, you’re in a better position to judge whether he’s good at sex—by your subjective standards—than his shrink. Presumably. And if you enjoyed the sex you were having before your partner was overwhelmed with work, then he’s good at sex—he’s good sex by your standards—and here’s hoping you get back to having lots of good sex together soon.

Join us for the Savage Lovecast Livestream! June 4, 7 p.m. Pacific. Send your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., and I might answer yours on the show. Tickets are at savagelovecast.com/events.

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Here’s a non-COVID question for you: I’m a queer white female in a monogamish marriage. I vote left; I abhor hatred and oppression; and I engage in activism when I can. I’m also turned on by power differentials: authority figures, uniforms, hot guys doing each other. Much to my horror, this thing for power differentials, plus too many World War II movies as a kid, has always meant that for my brain (or for my pussy), Nazis are hot. Fuck me, right?

Other maybe relevant bits of info: I’m not interested in roleplaying with actual partners; I’m fairly sure this proclivity is not reflective of any deeper issues; and I’m both sexually and emotionally fairly well-sorted—not perfect, but in fine working order and all that. And I get it: People like what they like; don’t judge yourself for your fetishes; just get off without being an asshole to anyone. The problem is that my usual way of getting off on/indulging my fantasies is to read erotic fiction on the internet.

I’d love your input on whether seeking out Nazi porn is problematic for some of the same reasons that porn depicting sex with kids is problematic. Am I normalizing and trivializing fascism?

Freaking About Search Histories

Seeking out child porn is problematic (and illegal), because it creates demand for more child porn, which results in more children being raped and sexually abused. The cause-and-effect is obvious, FASH: The victims are real, and the harm done is incalculable.

While it may discomfort someone to know a nice, married lady who donates to all the right causes is furiously masturbating to dirty stories about hot guys in Nazi uniforms doing each other, FASH, no one ever needs to know that. So you do no harm—not even the supposed harm of discomforting someone—when you privately enjoy the fucked-up stories you enjoy. And while there are doubtless some actual Nazis who enjoy reading dirty stories about other Nazis, most people turned on by dirty stories about Nazis are turned on despite themselves and their politics. Transgressive sexual fantasies don’t arouse us because they violate societal norms and expectations (in a safe and controlled manner), FASH, but because they allow us to violate our sense of ourselves, too (ditto). Just as a feminist can have rape fantasies without actually wanting to be raped herself or for anyone else to be raped, a person can have sexual fantasies about hot guys in Nazis uniforms doing each other without wanting Nazis to come to power.

I have to say, though: It was easier to give anti-Nazi Nazi fetishists like you a pass—to shrug and say “you do you,” but please keep it to yourself—before racist demagogues, white supremacists and anti-Semites started marching around waving Trump flags. But no one picks their kinks, and being told “that shouldn’t turn you on” has never made a problematic or transgressive kink less arousing. And when you consider the number of non-erotic novels, movies and television shows the culture cranks out year after year—and how many actually trivialize fascism (I’m talking to you, Hunters)—it’s seems insane to draw a line and say, “OK, this story about Nazis isn’t OK, because that lady over there masturbated while reading it in private.”


I’m an apartment-dweller in a dense urban area. Last night, I overheard my neighbors having sex—no big deal, right? I consider myself a sex-positive person, and have always held and espoused the belief that if you can’t have loud sex in your own home, where can you have it? But the sex I overheard last night was fairly kinky. Someone I read as a cis man was dominating someone I read as a cis woman. They were in the apartment right across from mine—about 20 feet away—and my bedroom window faces theirs. There was a LOT of derogatory talk, hitting, name-calling, giving orders and some crying. I could tell it was consensual—she was very clearly having a good time—and I eavesdropped long enough to witness the post-coital return to equilibrium. Everything seemed great. However, physically, I experienced this as overheard violence. I was shaking and had a hard time getting to sleep afterward. I’m glad I stuck around until the end. It helped me feel better.

I guess what I’m saying is that I needed some aftercare. I’m still thinking about it this morning, and I’m concerned that being triggered by my neighbor’s sex is going to become a regular part of my life. I’m wondering about the ethics of the situation: Do kinky folks have an obligation to muffle potentially triggering sounds? Or is any overheard sex potentially triggering to someone, and am I therefore applying a double-standard here? What do you think?

The Vanilla Neighbor

You went from overhearing kinky sex to eavesdropping on it—meaning you went from accidentally hearing your neighbors fucking to intently listening as your neighbors fucked. And you needed to do that. You heard something that sounded violent, but hearing more led you to guess it was consensual sex, and listening all the way to the end—all the way through the aftercare—confirmed your guess was correct. So for your own peace of mind, TVN, you needed to keep listening. But you don’t need to listen next time. If it triggers you to hear your neighbors fucking, don’t listen. Close the window, and crank up some music or go for a walk and listen to a podcast.

That said, TVN, you raise an interesting ethical question: Are kinksters—particularly the kind of kinksters who enjoy verbal abuse and impact play—obligated to keep it down? While I think people should be considerate of their neighbors, people are allowed to have sex in their own homes, TVN, and it’s not like vanilla sex is always quiet. But if the sex a couple enjoys could easily be misinterpreted as abuse or violence by someone who accidentally overhears it, that couple might wanna close the window and turn up some music themselves—not only to avoid alarming the neighbors, but to spare themselves the hassle of explaining their kinks to a cop.

For the record: I would tell person who enjoys a good single-tail whipping to find a soundproof dungeon to enjoy that in (because that shit is loud), but I wouldn’t tell a person who screams her head off during PIV intercourse to find a soundproof box (even though her shit is just as loud). Instead, I would urge her fuck at 8 p.m., when most people are awake, rather than 2 a.m., when most people are asleep. (It can be annoying listening to someone screamfuck, but it’s even more annoying to have your sleep ruined by a screamfucker.) Is this a double standard? Perhaps. But it’s one I’m willing to endorse.


1. Is it safe to hook up again? 2. Will it be safe to hook up again soon? 3. You’ll tell us when it’s safe to hook up again, right?

Getting Really Impatient. Need Dick. Really.

1. It isn’t. 2. At some point. 3. I will.

Hey, Everybody: Me and Nancy and the tech-savvy/at-risk youth will be doing a special Savage Love Livestream on Thursday, June 4, at 7 p.m. Pacific. You can send your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or ask them live during the event. I’ll answer as many as I can in one fun-filled Zoom meeting! Tickets are $10, and all proceeds from the Savage Love Livestream will be donated to Northwest Harvest, a nonprofit that distributes food to more than 370 food banks in Washington State. Go to savagelovecast.com/events to get tickets!

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It’s taken a lot to do this, but here goes: I am a 38-year-old gay male. I have been dating this guy for one year and 10 months. It’s been a lot of work. He’s cheated on me numerous times. He lives with me and doesn’t work, and I’ve been taking care of him for seven months now. He always accuses me of cheating or finds something to blame me for. What I am angry about now is how for the past four months, he has been accusing me of playing games by conspiring with people to make him hear voices. If I look up at the ceiling or look around, he says I am communicating with “them.” I keep telling him I do not hear or see anything, but he insists that I am lying. He also says I put a curse on him.

One day, I got up; he’d packed his bags, said he’d enough and walked out. He said I was not being loyal. This is a man who has been doing coke since age of 14, and he is now 43 years old. He does meth and whatever else. He said until I come clean about hearing the voices, too, and admit I cast some sort a spell on him, he won’t talk to me or see me. Mental illness runs in his family, and one sibling already committed suicide. He didn’t want professional help, because, he says, “I am too smart for that.”

I’m hurt and angry and want some advice. ANY ADVICE. Please.

Desperate For Answers

I don’t see the problem.

A delusional and potentially dangerous drug addict with mental-health issues who refuses to get help packed his bags and walked out of your life. Yahtzee, DFA—you win. It was his presence in your life (and your apartment) that was the problem, and your boyfriend—your ex-boyfriend—just solved it for you. Block his number; change your locks; and pray he forgets your address.

You might wanna seek some professional help yourself. You need to get to the bottom of why you wasted nearly two years on this asshole. Being alone can’t be worse than being with someone who cheats on you and then accuses you of cheating—to say nothing of someone who abuses drugs, hears voices and makes other irrational/delusional accusations. He wasn’t just a danger to himself, DFA; he was a danger to you. He’s out of your apartment—now you need to get him out of your head.

About a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after I found out was cheating on me. Long before we broke up, I freaked out about a rash; looking back, I think it was probably herpes all along. I found out for sure three days ago, and I’m honestly thinking about not telling him. He doesn’t show any symptoms, and he’s the type of guy who will call me a slut if I tell him. He’ll blame me for his wrongdoing and just keep going and going. I honestly don’t know if I should tell him, since he’s asymptomatic. This is going to cause a huge problem between us.

He has a lot of anger issues and he could use this as blackmail. I’m legitimately scared.

Her Ex Reacts Personally

Letting a former sex partner know you may have exposed them to an STI—or that they may have exposed you to an STI—is the decent, responsible, courteous and kind thing to do. Not just for their health and safety, HERP, but for the health and safety of their future sex partners.

But people who are unkind, scary and violent have no one but themselves to blame when a former sex partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/enbyfriend is too afraid for their own safety to make that disclosure. Provided your fears are legitimate, HERP, and you’re not inflating them to avoid an awkward or unpleasant conversation, you don’t owe your ex a call.

I’m a bi guy, living alone. At the start of the year, this new guy moved into the house where I live in—we share communal areas but have private rooms—and he’s a bit of a slacker, but holy shit, is he hot. I’ve had regular fantasies about him—and now with the quarantine, those fantasies have increased along with the number of times I see him in a day. I’ve been feeling the urge to ask him if he’s interested in anything, but my friends have advised me to “not shit where I eat.” But due to the quarantine, the only other option I have is masturbating, and that’s not doing the trick. Should I take the plunge and ask him?

Household Entirely Lacks Pleasure

Health authorities have advised us to shit where we eat for the time being. The New York City Health Department recommends masturbation, HELP, because you are and always have been your safest sex partner. But your next-safest partner during this pandemic is someone with whom you live. NYC Health has advised us all to “avoid close contact—including sex—with anyone outside your household.” That doesn’t mean everyone inside your household is fair game, of course; some people are quarantining with their parents. But if there was ever a time when you could approach a non-related adult with whom you live to see if they might wanna fuck around, now’s the time.

Apologize to the hot slacker in advance for potentially making things awkward, and invite him to say no. (“If you’re not interested, please say no, and I promise not to bring it up again.”) But if the answer is yes, HELP, send video.

I’m a gay bondage bottom. My boyfriend of four years is 100 percent vanilla, and we solved the “problem” of my need to get tied up—and it’s a real need—by outsourcing it. (Can you tell we’re longtime readers and listeners?) I was seeing two regular FWBs/bondage buddies, but that’s obviously on hold right now. (I’ve reached out to both my FWBs to let them both know I’m thinking about them and that I care about them, Dan, like you’ve been urging people to do on your show.)

The issue is I still really need to get tied up, and my boyfriend is willing, but he’s so bad at it that I don’t want to bother. He knows how much I need it, and he’s hurt that I’d rather go without than let him put me in bondage that isn’t really bondage, because I can easily get out. We used to fight, because I wanted him to tie me up, and he didn’t want to do it, and now we’re fighting because he wants to tie me up and I won’t let him do it. Any advice for a fan?

This Isn’t Exactly Desirable

If people can teach yoga, give concerts and conduct first dates via online streaming services, then one of your bondage buddies can—if they’re into the idea—give your boyfriend a few bondage tutorials online. I’m glad to hear you already reached out to your bondage buddies, TIED, since now you’ll be asking them to do you and your boyfriend a favor. But I imagine it’s a favor they’ll enjoy doing.

I’m a teenage girl with a female friend who keeps joking about having sex with me. We’re both into girls and sex, and while I find her really hot, she probably doesn’t feel the same about me. How can I tell if she’s joking about it because she finds the idea ridiculous, or if she’s joking about it because she actually wants to? Once everything goes back to normal COVID-wise, what should I do?

Getting Into Real Life

The ability to ask someone a direct question—particularly someone you’re interested in romantically and/or sexually—is an important skill, GIRL, and getting some practice now, when stakes are relatively low, will benefit you for your entire life. So get your friend on the phone, and ask her this: “Are you serious about wanting to have sex with me? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I’m actually attracted to you. Please say no if the answer’s no.” If the answer is yes, you can make a date to get together once circumstances/pandemics allow. But if the answer is no, GIRL, then you can get some practice making declarative statements: “I don’t want you to make those jokes anymore. They’re hurtful to me.” And if she continues to make jokes about having sex with you after you’ve made it clear she’s hurting your feelings, then she’s just being cruel and doesn’t deserve your time, attention or friendship.

The Savage Lovecast, every Tuesday. This week, with Marc Maron! www.savagelovecast.com

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I’ve been with the same amazing man for a dozen years. We’ve had our ups and our downs, same as any other couple, but these days, life is better than it ever has been for us. Except in the bedroom.

A few years ago, he started having fantasies about sucking dick. Specifically, he wanted to suck a small one, because his is very big, and he wanted to “service” a guy who’s less hung than he is. This is fine except, it’s now the only thing that gets him off. We seldom have sex since now, because his obsession with sucking off a guy with a small dick makes me feel unattractive—and to be honest, I don’t share the fantasy. I even let him suck a dude off in front of me once, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. He tells me he still finds me attractive, but when we’re having sex, the talk always goes to how he wants to take “warm and salty loads” down his throat. I’ve told him I’m not into it, but he enjoys talking about it so much he can’t help himself. I thought by allowing him to live out his fantasy would help him “get over it,” so to speak, but that didn’t happen. So now we just don’t have sex except once every few months.

I’m not sure how to make him see that it’s just not my thing—and to get the focus back on just the two of us.

Loves Obsesses About Dick Sucking

If you can look at your husband and think, “Things are better than ever!” despite the dismal state of your sex life, LOADS, I hate to think what life with him used to be like.

There’s not an easy fix here. If you’ve already told your husband the “warm and salty load” talk is a turn-off and made it clear it’s the reason your sex life has pretty much collapsed—and he nevertheless persists with the “warm and salty load” talk—well, then your husband is telling you would he would rather not have sex than have sex without talking about warm and salty loads.

Now I’m assuming that you actually told him how you feel, LOADS, in clear and unambiguous terms, and that you said what you needed to say emphatically. And by “emphatically,” LOADS, I mean, “repeatedly and at the top of your lungs.” If not—if you’re doing that thing women are socialized to do, i.e., if you’re downplaying the severity of your displeasure in a misguided effort to spare your husband’s feelings—then you need to get emphatic. Sometimes it’s not enough to tell, LOADS; sometimes you have to yell.

You’re obviously GGG—you’re good, giving and game—but your husband has taken you for granted and been almost unbelievably inconsiderate. Because even if he needs to think about sucking dick to get off, LOADS, he doesn’t need to verbalize that fantasy each and every time you fuck. Even if you were into it, which you’re not, it would get tedious. And it wasn’t just selfish of him to ignore how you felt, LOADS; it was shortsighted—because women who are willing let their husbands talk about wanting to suck a dick—much less actually suck a dick—aren’t exactly easy to come by.

I guess what I’m trying to say, LOADS, is that your husband really blew it. If he hadn’t allowed this obsession to completely dominate your sex life—if he’d made some small effort to control himself—you might’ve been willing to let him act on his fantasy more than once. But as things stand now, it’s hard to see how you come back from this, LOADS, because even if he can manage to STFU about warm and salty loads long enough to fuck you, you’re going to know he’s thinking about warm and salty loads. So the most plausible solution here—assuming that you want to stay married to this guy—would be for him to go suck little dicks (once circumstances allow) while you get some decent sex elsewhere (ditto).

Finally, a lot of vanilla people think—erroneously—that acting on a kink will somehow get it out a kinky person’s system. That’s not the way kinks work. Kinks are hard-wired, and kinky people wanna act on their kinks again and again, for the exact same reason vanilla people wanna do vanilla things again and again: because it turns them on.


I have what most people would consider an amazing life. I have two healthy kids, financial security, a stable career and a husband who is the exact partner I could ever want. I really couldn’t ask for more. I just have one issue: My husband wants to be intimate more often than I do.

We are both nearing 40, and his libido has not slowed down. I, on the other hand, due to a combination of being busy with work and us both taking care of the kids (especially during the lockdown), find myself with a decreased sexual drive. Because of my (and our) obligations, I find myself alternating between a state of tiredness, anxiousness or distraction, none of which get me “in the mood.”

We’ve talked about the situation, and he is absolutely respectful when we do so, but he has made it clear he’s very frustrated. I think once a week is more than enough, and he could go multiple times a day. It’s to the point where he feels he’s begging just to fit some “us” time into our lives, which he says makes him feel undesirable and humiliated. There isn’t anything wrong with him that leaves me not wanting to engage in physical intimacy; we just seem to have different physical intimacy schedules, and it’s putting a serious strain on our relationship.

How can we work to find a comfortable middle ground, or at the absolute least, help me explain to him why I’m not as randy as he is?

Completely Lost In Tacoma

You don’t need to craft an elaborate explanation, CLIT, as what’s going on here is pretty simple: Your husband has a high libido, and you have a low one.

What you need is a reasonable accommodation. Opening up your marriage obviously isn’t an option right now, CLIT, and it might not be an option you would’ve considered even if it were possible for your husband to find an outlet (or inlet) elsewhere. But there is something you can do.

Your husband is doubtless jacking off a lot to relieve the pressure. If there’s something he enjoys that you don’t find physically taxing, and if he promises not to pressure you to upgrade to intercourse in the moment, then you could enhance his masturbatory routine. Does he like it when you sit on his face? Then sit on his face—you can even keep your clothes on—while he rubs one out. Does he love your tits? Let him look at them while he beats off. Is he a little kinky? It doesn’t take that long to piss on someone in the tub, and it wouldn’t mean adding something to your already packed schedule, CLIT, as you need to find time to piss anyway.

It would be unreasonable of your husband to expect sex three times a day—that would be an irrational expectation even if you were childless and independently wealthy—but your husband isn’t asking you to fuck him three times a day. He wants a little more sexual activity, some erotic affirmation and more couple time. Giving him an assist while he masturbates ticks all those boxes. That said, this will only work if your husband solemnly vows never to initiate intercourse during an assisted masturbation session. If you catch a groove and start feeling horny and wanna upgrade to intercourse, you should. But he needs to let you lead, because if he starts pressuring you for sex when you’re just there to assist, then you’re going to be reluctant to help him out.

If he can follow that one rule, CLIT, you’ll feel more connected, and you’ll probably wind up having more PIV/PIB/PIM sex—maybe twice a week instead of once a week—but it will be sex you both want.

On this week’s Savage Lovecast, yes it IS possible to be both horny and depressed. Also, hear the tale of intrepid mountain climbers, and what they can do in their harnesses: www.savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a 31-year-old female. Last week, I suddenly started to experience an overwhelming, compulsive and near-constant state of physical arousal. I’ve masturbated so much looking for relief that my entire lower region is super sore and swollen—and still, it is like my whole body is pulsating with this electric arousal telling me to ignore the pain and do it again.

I have no idea if it’s normal to suddenly have suck a spike in libido, and I know a lot of people will say they wish they had this problem, but it is interfering with my daily activities, because I can’t focus on anything else. My college classes are suffering because of it. I’ve even had to remove my clitoral hood piercing, which I’ve had that for over 10 years!

I feel like I have all of the reasons—high anxiety related to the pandemic, being stuck with an alcoholic boyfriend in the house, tons of homework, finances are low—to warrant a lack of arousal, so why am I drowning in it? Everything I’m learning in class states that sexual desire lowers throughout one’s life span, so why am I literally pulsating with it? I really don’t want to call my doctor if I don’t have to. Any insight would be appreciated.

Chronically Aroused

“There’s a general belief that sexual arousal is always wanted—and the more, the better,” said Robyn Jackowich. “But in reality, persistent and unwanted sexual arousal can be very distressing.”

Jackowich is a Ph.D. candidate at Queen’s University, where she works under the supervision of Dr. Caroline Pukall in the Sexual Health Research Lab. Jackowich has published numerous studies on persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD), a condition characterized by a constant or frequently recurring state of genital arousal—sensations, sensitivity, swelling—in the absence of sexual desire.

“In other words, there is a disconnect between what is happening in one’s body and mind,” said Jackowich, “and this can be both distressing and distracting.”

While you would think stress would tank your libido—and preliminary research shows that the pandemic is tanking more libidos than it’s not—stress and anxiety can actually be triggers for PGAD.

As you’ve learned, CA, you can’t masturbate your way out of this. So what do you do? Unfortunately, it’s the thing you’d really rather not do: Call your doctor.

“It’s important to meet with a knowledgeable healthcare provider to ensure there is not another concern present that may be responsible for the symptoms, and to access treatment,” said Jackowich. “Research on treatments for PGAD is relatively new, so it can be helpful to meet with a team of different healthcare providers to find what treatments would be most effective for you specifically. This could include a gynaecologist, urologist, pelvic-floor physical therapist, neurologist, and/or psychologist with expertise in sex therapy.”

Talking with your doctor about this may be embarrassing, I realize, and it doesn’t help that many doctors are unfamiliar with PGAD. Jackowich actually recommends bringing printouts of information pages and research papers about the condition to your appointment and sharing them with your physician. And if your doc doesn’t take your distress seriously and/or refuses to refer you to the specialists you need to see, CA, then you’ll need to get yourself a new doctor. (You can find those information pages and research papers at sexlab.ca/pgad, where you can also learn about currently available treatments and join support groups for sufferers.)

“More awareness of PGAD and research on this condition is needed to help understand the symptoms and develop effective treatments,” said Jackowich. “If you experience these symptoms and would like to contribute to ongoing research efforts, the Queen’s University Sexual Health Research Lab is seeking participants for an online study.” To take part in that online survey, go to sexlab.ca/pgad; click on “participate”; and scroll down to the “OLIVE Study.”


I’ve rekindled a romance with an ex from a decade ago. We are long distance right now but getting very close. We have one recurring problem, though: She does not like that I am friends with another ex. That ex has actually been a close friend for a very long time, and our friendship means a lot to me. Our romantic relationship only lasted a few months. But since we did have a romantic relationship once, my current girlfriend sees my ex as a threat.

I have reassured her several times that the relationship is in the past, and we are now only friends. But my girlfriend doesn’t want me to communicate with her at all. She wants me to un-friend her on Facebook and un-follow her Instagram, and at least once a week, she asks if we have been in contact. It is hard for me to throw a friend away in order to be in a relationship. Even though I don’t talk to my ex/friend all that regularly, I would like the option to at least check in every once in a while. Cutting her out of my life completely feels like a kind of death.

I wish there was some way I could find a compromise, but this seems to be one of those “all or nothing” things. I also don’t like this feeling of not being trusted and fear it could lead to other problems down the line.

Unhappy Girlfriend Has Sensitivities

I can see why your current girlfriend might feel threatened by your relationship with an ex, UGHS, seeing as she—your current girlfriend—was until very recently just another one of your exes. Since you got back together with her, the green-eyed monster whispers in her ear, what’s to stop you from getting back together with your other ex?

What the green-eyed monster doesn’t say, of course, is that you had every opportunity to get back together with your ex and didn’t. And cutting off your ex now doesn’t mean you can’t get back together with her later. And what’s to stop you from getting together with one of the 3.5 billion women you haven’t already dated?

You have to take a hard line on this. Tell your current girlfriend you’re happy to provide her with a little reassurance when she’s feeling insecure about your ex, but you’re not going to un-friend or un-follow her or anyone else. You can make an appeal to reason—you wouldn’t be with your current girlfriend if you were the sort of person who cut off contact with his exes—but if your current girlfriend is the irrationally jealous type … well, an appeal to reason won’t help. Irrationally jealous people are by definition incapable of seeing reason, UGHS, which is why they must be shown doors.


This isn’t a sexy question, but you are wise, and I am confused. I have been friends with a woman for about 16 years. She’s very funny, creative and loves to have a good time. She’s also intense and not very bright—and my family and friends do not like her around. Now that we’re grown, we do not see each other often, but I’ve been glad to maintain a friendship with her and get together now and again.

Enter: my wedding. At the reception, she made a fool of herself (and me) by going on some strange, racist rant. The racist thing really surprised and disappointed me, and when I asked her about it, she shrugged it off, like, “Oh, just add that to the list of dumb things I do when I’m drunk.” Other things she’d done when she’s drunk: two DUIs, waking up in jail with an assault charge, having sex with strangers, etc.

It’s been about seven months since my wedding, and I’ve basically been ignoring while trying to decide what to do. I love my friend, but I do not want her hurting anyone else on my watch. Do I call her up and end it? See her once a year when no one’s around? Ignore her until she dies?

Loyal To A Fault

Tell your racist friend to give you a call after she gets sober, and confront her about her racism then—you know, when she’s actually capable of remembering the conversation, reflecting on what you had to say, and perhaps changing for the better. If she can’t get both sober and better, LTAF, make sure she isn’t registered to vote, and then ignore her until she dies.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Dan chats with our epidemiologist pal about the state of the pandemic, and also with the founder of the Badass Army—a group working to fight for victims of revenge porn: www.savagelovecast.com.

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I was raised in a religious home and didn’t lose my virginity until the embarrassing age of 26. I was told by the church to save it for marriage, and I was a virgin until I met the woman who would become my wife at a party. I said to hell with it; we had a one-night stand; and we’ve been together now for eight years.

I’m tall and slim, and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot, I believed it’s what’s on the inside that matters. My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, I’ve all but stopped initiating sex, and on the rare occasion when we do make love, I make her come twice while I’m struggling just to get off.

I know it’s shallow, and I know beauty is only skin deep, but what am I supposed to do when seeing my wife naked sends me into an anxiety attack? When I’m helping out with laundry, I get bummed, because there’s nothing in her wardrobe I find attractive on her. Even when I look at old pictures of us together, I get extremely depressed, because I know this is the best she’s ever going to look. It doesn’t help that she finds me handsome and regularly tells me so.

It’s gotten to the point where I find any woman who isn’t my wife desirable. (Including, but not limited to, her family and friends.) I should also mention that she has no interest in having an open relationship or a threesome, because she prefers having me “all to herself.” I don’t want to ask her to change, because she’s perfectly happy with herself, but I’m becoming increasingly resentful.

What do I do? How do I tell her? And is there any way I can come out of this a good husband?

In The Shallows

I was so relieved to get all the way to the end of your letter without learning you had kids. Because that means I can advise you—with a clear conscience—to file for divorce, and move the fuck out just as soon as it’s possible to do so. Not for your own sake, ITS, but for your wife’s sake. She deserves better.

You say you’re growing increasingly resentful. I hope your resentment is directed at all of the people who victimized you. Your wife isn’t one of them. It’s your parents you should resent, ITS, as well as all the sex-phobic bullshit artists out there masquerading as “faith leaders.”

You should be angry with yourself, too. While I know from personal experience how a religious upbringing can put the zap on a kid’s head, you were a grown-ass man when you met your wife at that party. You couldn’t have slept with her that night—you couldn’t have lost your virginity in a one-night stand—if you hadn’t already rejected nearly everything you’d been taught about sex. If you were capable of having premarital sex, you were capable of refraining from marrying the first person you slept with.

Your wife is gonna want to know why you’re leaving her—of course she is—but you’re not going to tell her the real reason. You’re going to make something up. You want kids, and she doesn’t (or vice-versa); you married too young (which is true); you have unresolved childhood issues (and don’t we all). While you won’t be able to spare your wife the pain of a breakup, ITS, you can spare her the pain of learning the person she’s been sleeping with for eight years is repulsed by her body. You can’t be a good husband to her, ITS, but you can be decent ex-husband. And to do that—to be her decent and loving and supportive ex—you can’t set her self-esteem on fire on your way out the door.

And your wife’s body isn’t repulsive. She’s not someone you’re attracted to, ITS, and you’re not obligated to find short and round women sexually appealing. But while “tall and slim” are more closely associated with conventional concepts of attractiveness, ITS, not everyone’s into tall and slim. There are people who are into short and round, and people out there who are attracted to all body types, and people who are utterly indifferent to bodies. Your wife deserves the chance to find someone who’s sincerely attracted to her. Even being alone would be better than spending decades with someone who recoils from her touch.

For the record: What’s on the inside does count. It matters. If you met a woman who was more conventionally attractive—if you were with someone who was your idea of hot—and over time, she revealed herself to be an asshole (if she was rude to waiters, if she was emotionally abusive, if she was a Trump supporter, etc.), your attraction to her would wither away. What you want—not what you’ll get, ITS, but the best you can hope for—is some combo of hot on the outside (subjective and personal) and good on the inside. And the longer you’re with someone, ITS, the more important good on the inside becomes. Time is a motherfucking meat grinder, and it makes hamburger out of us all. If you prioritize your idea of hot over all other qualities, you run the very real risk of spending decades with a person who has aged out of hot and was never nice.

Longtime reader asking for advice. I’m a med student. I came to the U.S. when I was 18 in order to go to college, and I’m still in the U.S. I’m 25 now, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about three years now. We’re somewhat monogamous and have been living together for two years. I’m out as a gay man where we live, but my parents and family back in Brazil have zero idea. As you may know, Brazil has a weird relationship with sexuality. We’re seen and for the most part are very open, but our culture is also very homophobic. My BF has been pressuring me to come out, but I’ve been apprehensive, considering how important family is to me.

Fears A Massive Implosion Likely, Yet …

Gay men don't come out to our families because they’re unimportant to us. We come out to our families because they’re important to us.

Family is important to you, and you’re worried you might lose yours if you come out to them. But you’re definitely gonna lose them if you don’t. Because to keep your life a secret from them—to hide your boyfriend from them—you’re going to have to cut them out of your life. It'll be little things at first, FAMILY, but over time, the amount of things you have to keep from them grows. Lies pile up on top of lies, and the distance between you and your family grows. Before you know it, they don’t know you at all anymore, and you don’t know them—because you can’t risk letting them know you. So to avoid their possible rejection, you will have rejected them. You will have lost your family.

I know, I know: It’s scary. I came out to my very Catholic family when I was a teenager. I was scared to death. But if they couldn’t accept me for who I am—if I couldn’t rely on their love and support—what was the point of having them in my life at all?

By the way: No one likes being someone’s dirty little secret. It hurts your boyfriend to see the person who claims to love him prioritize his family’s presumed bigotry (it’s possible they’ll react more positively than you think) over his feelings and dignity. By not coming out, FAMILY, you will lose the family you were born into—and the one you’ve created with your boyfriend, too.

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