CVIndependent

Tue10272020

Last updateMon, 24 Aug 2020 12pm

Borrowing Gen Z’s love for labelling everything: I’m a 46-year-old homoromantic asexual Canadian faggot. For me, that means I’d like to love and be loved by another man, but I’d hate having sex with him. To add a vexing complication, I also need some sort of power imbalance. Ideally, I would fall somewhere between being a man’s sub and being his slave. I’ve been searching for this since I came out in my early 20s. I’ve tried everything—online, bars, hobby groups, friends, hookups. Vanilla relationships, single Masters, dominant couples, sex workers. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on both men and therapy, but here I am, busted, miserable and alone. The point is that no one—and I mean absolutely no one—wants what I want. My dream dude doesn’t exist.

It’s easy to tell someone to move on, that there are other fish in the sea, etc., but sometimes your sea is a puddle, and you really are the only guppy.

I’m considering ending my life before the end of the year. I can’t shake the deep sadness, disappointment and misery that I feel—and this isn’t even touching on my current unemployment or newly chronic health issues.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? How does one switch off the built-in romantic drive?

Sought A Dom Accepting Sad Singlehood

I’m sorry you haven’t found your ideal man, SADASS, or the right dominant couple, or a vanilla guy you could love and a dominant sex worker you could see on the side. Not everyone finds their ideal mate/position/situation, despite our best efforts, which is why it’s important that we build lives for ourselves that are rich and rewarding while we look for our dream dude(s). Because then even, if we’re unhappily single—or we find ourselves unhappily single again—we would still have meaning and pleasure in our lives. And that makes it easier for us to live in the hope that, should all the planets align, it could still happen for us or happen for us again. (Please note: I’m qualifying “single” with “unhappy” here not because all single people are unhappy—which is absolutely untrue—but because this single person, SADASS, is unhappy.)

I have to assume it has happened for you once or twice, SADASS. While none of your relationships with any of the vanilla guys, single Masters, dominant couples or sex workers you’ve met along the way turned into long-term connections, there had to have been some good times and real—if not lasting—connections over the years. Instead of seeing those relationships as a string of failures because they all ended, SADASS, you should see them as a long series of successful short-term relationships. And while you may regret that none lasted for years or decades, there’s nothing about being partnered that immunizes a person against regret. If you were still with one of those vanilla guys, you might always regret not meeting a Master; if you were with a Master or a dominant couple, you might regret—from time to time—not having a more egalitarian relationship.

Although you say you are not interested in having sex, SADASS, your interests are erotically charged. If your erotic-if-not-sexual fantasies are causing you distress—if you want to switch off your built-in romantic/erotic drive—anti-depressants often lower and sometimes tank a person’s libido. For most people, that’s an unwelcome side effect, but you may find it a blessing—at least for now, SADASS, while you’re dealing with your health and employment issues. It’s an extreme move, but it’s far less extreme than the one you’ve been contemplating, so it might be worth discussing with a sex-positive, kink-positive, reality-aware therapist.

Finally, please don’t end your life. The world is a far more interesting place with you in it. And while finding a romantic partner is never the solution to our problems—it’s only the start of a whole new set of problems—I’ve heard from countless people over the years who found something close to what they were looking for in their 50s, 60s and even 70s. But it can’t happen for you if you aren’t here for it.

Crisis Services Canada maintains a 24-hour suicide-prevention hotline: 833-456-4566. In the United States, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255.


I’m bisexual man who works on a military base with so many hot men. But how the hell do I even get a quick cock to suck without getting fired for coming on to the wrong guy? Or beaten up? How do I approach someone who could be interested? It’s been forever since I’ve had a guy!

Don’t tell me to try Grindr. I already did, and most of the guys on there are not my style, and the two who were blew me off. I wish I was totally straight or totally gay, because the bisexual world is really depressing!

Basically I’ve Got Unfulfilled Yearnings

Totally gay guys get blown off on Grindr and Sniffies and Recon all the time. Totally straight guys get blown off on Tinder and Farmers Only and Christian Mingle all the time.

I’m not minimizing the unique challenges bisexuals face—biphobia is real—but everyone faces rejection, BIGUY. And while some gay guys don’t wanna date bi guys, you aren’t looking for a date. You’re looking for a dick to suck.

So get back on Grindr. When you see a hot guy on the street, on the subway, or on your military base, quickly open Grindr—or Scruff or Sniffies or Recon or all of the above—and if they’re on there, too, send them a message. If they’re interested, they’ll write back. If they aren’t, they won’t. And if you’re worried a guy won’t let you suck his dick if you tell him you’re bisexual, and you don’t mind blowing guys who might be biphobic, don’t disclose your bisexuality on your profile; stick to, “Sup?” and “Looking?” when you message them.

And you know … back when men picked each other up in bars … you had to make eye contact with a lotta guys before you locked eyes with the right guy. If you made eye contact with a guy who wasn’t interested—if you weren’t his style or his type—he wouldn’t make eye contact with you again. That’s essentially what a guy is doing when he “blows you off” on Grindr: He’s taking a quick look, deciding you’re not for him, and looking away—the exact same thing you’re doing to guys who aren’t your style or type. Guys who left the bar after two guys looked away never got to suck a dick, BIGUY, so don’t give up after a couple of guys blow you off on Grindr. Just keep looking around.


I’m a 60-something straight woman. A few years ago, a longtime male friend and I, both in very unhappy relationships, did what I’d never done in my life: We cheated on our partners. We both ended our other relationships, and the resulting two years have been wonderful. My guy is smart and funny, and the sex is very, very, VERY good. We don’t live together and see each other on weekends.

Now for the problem: I think he voted for Trump. While he’s a political conservative, he’s not crazy, and he has some reasonable viewpoints that I can tolerate, even if I disagree. But not Trump. I don’t think a good person votes for Trump. Practically speaking, it doesn’t matter, because we live in solid blue Washington state, and all our electoral votes will go to Biden, but I’m not sure I can fuck someone who voted for Trump. But if I end things with him, there’s a good chance I’ll never have sex again. I don’t think there are many opportunities for 65-year-old average-looking women, even ones with healthy libidos. Thoughts?

Update: Before I could even hit send on this email, Dan, I found out that, yes, he voted for Trump. I’m sickened that this person I care for voted for Trump! Do I end it?!?

OH FUCKING HELL

Yes you do, OFH, and you tell him why: Elections have consequences. Better a trusty vibrator than an unworthy Trump voter.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Andrew Gurza on sex with disabilities: www.savagelovecast.com

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I’m a 30-something gay man married to a 30-something gay man. For almost two years, we’ve been seeing another pair of married gay men around our age. They were our first experience with any sexual or romantic interaction outside of our relationship.

The first six months were hot and heavy. We were together constantly and having sex almost every night. After the “honeymoon phase” ended, one member of the other couple (“Roger”) wanted to slow things down. Roger and I had some conflict over this, and I have to admit that I showed a pretty bad side of myself while grappling with insecurity. Eventually, Roger pulled me aside to talk one-on-one. He wanted us to be “friends who have sex sometimes.”

Then, right after the COVID-19 lockdown started, Roger and I had another heart-to-heart on my birthday. After many drinks and a lot of making out, we both said we loved each other. Roger walked it back the next day. “I don’t know what you thought you heard last night,” he basically said, “but I’m not in love with you.”

I was devastated. This isn’t what I want. I am in love with Roger and his husband. I don’t want to be “friends who have sex sometimes.” My husband is OK with just being friends with Roger and his husband, especially since their large friend group has adopted us, and he worries we’ll lose all these new friends if I end our friendship with Roger and his husband. I would really like to talk this out with Roger, but I’m not sure I can get through that conversation without DTMFAing him.

I mean, which was it? Were we a fun sexy fling, and nothing about the last two years mattered? Or was he in love with me but decided the conflict and complication of this relationship wasn’t worth it? Which was it?

Trouble In The Quad

Roger doesn’t want what you want.

That sucks, and I’m sorry. But we’ve all been there. Falling for someone who doesn’t feel as strongly for us as we do for them, whether we’re dating as couples or singles, is always painful. But that pain is an unavoidable risk. And while it may seem unfair that you can only have Roger in your life on his terms, that’s the reality. That’s everyone’s reality, TITQ, because loving someone doesn’t obligate that person to love us back, or love us in the same way that we love them, or want the same things we want. But Roger can’t impose his terms on you. If being “just friends” feels like an insulting consolation prize after what the last two years has meant to you, if that’s not good enough, then Roger doesn’t get to be in your life. You can have terms, too.

Backing up for a second: You seem to believe that if the relationship mattered—if Roger and his husband loved you and your husband, and vice-versa—then it wouldn’t have ended. That’s false. Something can matter and still end. Something can also matter more to one person than it did to another person. (Or couple.) You don’t have to dismiss or minimize what the four of you had because Roger has decided, for whatever reason, that being in a quad with you isn’t what he wants.

And if you’re hoping to get this quad back together … and it’s entirely up to Roger … you’re going about it wrong. If Roger got cold feet due to the “conflict and complication” of being in a poly relationship, TITQ, your best move is to avoid conflict and complication. If you think Roger told the truth on your birthday and lied to you the next day, then you need to demonstrate the kind of emotional maturity that makes you a more-attractive partner to a person like Roger. And provoking a confrontation with Roger—staging a scene where you’re likely to dump a guy who has already dumped you—will have the opposite effect. It will only confirm for Roger the decision he has already made.

Your best bet—your best strategy—is to accept Roger’s offer of friendship and refrain from blowing up at him. You should also tell him, just once and very calmly, that you and your husband would be open to getting back together with him and his husband. Best-case scenario, the quad gets back together. Worst-case scenario, you have some great memories, a whole bunch of great new friends, and maybe, once in a while, a hot foursome with Roger and his husband.

Two last things …

I would love to see video of you showing the “bad side” of yourself to Roger. People tend to minimize their own shitty behavior—all people do it, myself included. If you’re prone to blowing up when you don’t get what you want, well, it’s understandable that someone who dislikes conflict and complication would start getting cold feet once the honeymoon phase ended. I’m not suggesting you’re toxic or unbearable‚ TITQ, only that different people have different tolerance levels for romantic conflict. But if what you want is for Roger to reconsider the decision he’s made, well, you might also wanna let him know you’re working on your approach to conflict. If you don’t want Roger to regret getting the quad back together and then quickly end things again, TITQ—or for the next Roger or Rogers who come into your life to head for the hills after the honeymoon phases end—you should talk with someone who can give you the tools to better handle conflict.

And finally, TITQ, the other two men in this quad feel strangely inert—more like houseplants than husbands. I mean, you have nothing to say about how Roger’s husband feels, and very little to say about how yours does. Is Roger’s husband interested in keeping the quad together? Besides not wanting to lose some new friends, does your husband give two shits? Because even if Roger decides he wants back in, TITQ, and that’s a big if, your revived quad won’t last long if your houseplants—sorry, your husbands—aren’t just as invested as you are.


The man I’m seeing is the first person I ever opened up to about my bisexuality. Over our first year together, we had several threesomes, but we both became uncomfortable with them, and one day, he told me he could not have that kind of sex with a woman he cares about. We quarantined together, and he felt COVID-19 had forced us to rush things. We decided to spend less time together to focus on our careers, which had both taken a hit.

Now we only see each other every two weeks or so. I thought it could be fun to reconnect and do some more threesomes. He agreed but asked me to handle things. I found us some amazing girls—but as in the past, our threesomes led to problems. I feel threatened; he feels jealous. We fight; I cry; he gets angry and acts like an asshole. I’m very insecure, depressed, and have spent years in therapy. The threesomes feel like too much, but we have great sex when we talk about other women.

Is there any way we can make this work?

Lost Into My Emotions

I feel really sorry for the women you two are having threesomes with. Even if you’re doing your very special guest stars the courtesy of waiting until they leave to break down in tears, LIME, and even if your boyfriend is polite enough to wait until they’re gone before acting like an asshole, these women are most likely picking up on the tension and may feel conflicted about the sex after they go. If you’re having these meltdowns and blowups in front of these women, LIME, they definitely leave feeling terrible and may worry they did something wrong when it’s you two who are doing something wrong—continuing to have threesomes despite knowing they never end well.

While I don’t think a woman should waste her time (or pussy) on a man who tells her he can’t have “that kind of sex,” i.e., sex she enjoys, with a woman he cares about, I can understand why you might want to keep seeing this guy. (COVID-19 is making it hard to find new partners.) But you should stop doing the thing that doesn’t work—having threesomes—and do the thing that does work instead: talking dirty to each other about other women. And if you still want to get with women, LIME, do it solo. He doesn’t need to be there for you to enjoy an amazing girl.

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Married guy here. I’m 33; the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month, but we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’ve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago, whereas I came to the realization only recently. We’re both interested in new sexual encounters, and this weekend, we met up with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man, and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years … and we found it lacking. It was too short and too impersonal.

Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We don’t want to keep spending the money if we’re not getting the experience we want. We need to stay fairly discreet for most of these encounters due to our careers. Appreciate any input.

Oh, and a shoutout to my amazing wife for going from learning I’m bi to fucking another dude with me three months later!

Basking In Confusion Over Underwhelming, Pitifully Lackluster Experience

Some sex workers love their jobs; some don’t. Some sex workers are good at their jobs; some aren’t. Sometimes a sex worker doesn’t click with a particular client for some ephemeral, hard-to-define reason; sometimes a client gives off a bad vibe—or a bad odor—and the sex worker bails or hurries things along, not because they’re a shitty sex worker, BICOUPLE, but because their client is shitty or smells shitty.

But here’s the thing, BICOUPLE: No sex worker can read minds. You tell me you’re wondering if you should’ve been “more upfront with (your) interests ahead of time.” If you left something important out when you made the booking, well, that could’ve been the problem. No sex worker likes having things sprung on them. A sex worker who doesn’t do kink is going to feel very uncomfortable if there’s a bunch of bondage gear laid out when they arrive; even a sex worker who does kink is going to feel uncomfortable if kink wasn’t discussed in advance. Similarly, BICOUPLE, if you didn’t explain to your sex worker that there were two of you, your sex worker might’ve felt uncomfortable when they arrived.

If you weren’t clear about your wants, and your sex worker didn’t ask or you couldn’t articulate them after he asked, you put your sex worker in the position of having to guess. And your sex worker may have guessed wrong; some clients prefer sex that’s athletic, impersonal or aggressive. And if your sex worker had a bad experience with a husband who got upset when his wife seemed a little too into him, he may have erred on the side of maintaining some emotional distance even as you got physically close.

If what you wanted—if what you were most interested in—was a more intimate and connected experience, then you weren’t just expecting sexual labor from the sex worker you hired, BICOUPLE, but his emotional labor, too. While affection and intimacy can certainly be faked, we don’t typically expect a strong emotional connection when we’re hooking up with a stranger. Being sexually intimate can build that connection, BICOUPLE, but it can take time and a few meetings to get there.

To avoid winding up in bed with another sex worker you don’t click with, I would advise you to take the time—and spend the money—to make a real connection. By which I mean: Go on a date. Find a sex worker you’re interested in, and make a date—for dinner. Pay them for their time; pay for their meal; and if you click, BICOUPLE, if you feel like you could connect, book them for a sex date.


Straight male here, divorced four years ago, just entering my 50s. I recently expanded my dating-app parameters to see everyone in my area. I wanted to check out the competition and possibly give myself a little ego boost. I have a gay male friend who is in his 40s. Mr. Forties has a boyfriend of two years who is in his 20s. They are great together—they vacation together; they quarantined together; Mr. Twenties and Mr. Forties worked on redecorating a home together, etc.

The problem is I spotted Mr. Forties on several dating apps. It would have been perfectly acceptable for him to say “none of your business” when I asked him why. Instead, he told me they were old profiles, implying they pre-dated Mr. Twenties. He lists pets on his profiles that he adopted a few months ago. I have a sore spot about this behavior, because my ex-wife started “auditioning” my replacement before we filed divorce papers. I really don’t like being lied to.

What do I do? Confront Mr. Forties? Mind my own business and hope Mr. Forties doesn’t crush Mr. Twenties by cheating? Help!

Fumbled Into Fraught Terrain Involving Expanded Search

Maybe Mr. Forties and Mr. Twenties have an open relationship. Maybe they have a closed relationship but both regard flirting on dating apps as harmless. Maybe Mr. Forties was charged with finding a very special guest star for a threesome. Or maybe Mr. Forties has profiles on dating apps for the exact same reason you expanded the parameters on your profiles, FIFTIES: for the ego boost.

If it was any of the above—if there was an innocent explanation—why did Mr. Forties go with, “Those were old profiles,” instead of, “We sometimes have threesomes”? Well, in my experience, FIFTIES, some straight people have a hard time wrapping their heads around the kind of non-monogamy practiced by most gay male couples. Hell, some closed-minded gay people have a hard time with it. I can imagine a scenario where Mr. Forties was honest with people in the past and got a bad reaction, and consequently no longer feels safe—much less obligated—to share the details of his sex life with straight or gay friends. So he gave you the answer a lot of straight people and some gay people prefer to hear when they ask pointed questions of partnered friends they assumed to be monogamous: “Of course I’m not sleeping around! Those were old profiles! My monogamous boyfriend would never want me to shove my monogamous dick down his throat while some other dude non-monogamously rearranges his guts! Heavens! We’re far too busy redecorating our lovely home to arrange threesomes! Which we’re totally not interested in having!”

Look, FIFTIES, you put a question to Mr. Forties that he wasn’t obligated to answer at all, much less answer truthfully. So what do you do now? What you should’ve done when you first stumbled over Mr. Forties’ dating profiles: You do nothing. You drop it. The issue you shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place? You don’t bring it up again. Even if Mr. Forties is auditioning replacements for Mr. Twenties—even if he lied to you for a selfish, self-serving reason—it’s still none of your business.


My boyfriend and I first heard the terms “sexual monogamy” and “social monogamy” on your podcast. They describe us: not sexually monogamous, but we present that way socially, and most people in our lives assume we are. Including my mother. We’re both from very Republican families that struggled to accept us. My attitude is that if my brothers don’t have to tell our parents about their kinks, I don’t have to tell them about my threesomes. (Both of my older brothers have confided in me about their kinks, and I wish they hadn’t.) But it got back to me via my sister that my Trump-worshipping, Obama-despising mother only accepts me and my boyfriend because we are “good” gays. Good because we’re monogamous, like good straight people, and not promiscuous, like bad gay people.

Now I feel like I should say something. But what?

They Really Underestimate My Proclivities

“Good people can be ‘promiscuous,’ Mom, and awful people can be monogamous. Take Donald Trump. That asshole has been married three times and cheated on every one of his wives. Barack Obama, whom you despise, has been married once and has never been caught cheating. Which means Obama either doesn’t cheat, or like everything else he’s ever done—from being someone’s husband to being our president—he’s better at it than Donald Trump.”

On the Savage Lovecast, learn a thing or two from power sub Lina Dune: www.savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a cis male in my late 20s. I’ve recently become consumed by a specific fantasy that I fear is unattainable—a fear that has been made worse by several failed attempts to research it.

A little background: Except for a couple of dates and make-out sessions with other men, my sex life has always been exclusively with women. I’ve had male crushes and often thought I might be bi or pan, despite never masturbating to thoughts of men or gay porn. (Don’t worry, Dan: I’m not going to ask if I’m gay. I promise.) In general, I’ve led a privileged sex life. I’ve never been broken up with, and it’s rare for me to experience any form of rejection. But in early 2020, my libido vanished. I stopped masturbating and only orgasmed once or twice a month, when my now ex-girlfriend would insist that we have sex. But then a couple of weeks ago, I began imagining being one half of a loving gay couple that replaced all MM penetrative sex with MMF sex: My sex life with my male partner would revolve around the two of us going out and finding submissive women for kinky threesomes.

Since then, I’ve been masturbating to this fantasy daily, and I’m excited at the possibility of finding a new lifestyle that brings me a lot of joy. However, I’ve grown concerned that nothing else seems to turn me on at all. Equally as concerning, even minor adjustments to this fantasy ruins the whole thing. And to fulfill it, I’d need a man who’s at least all of the following:

1. Sensitive, giving, easy-going and an all-around good guy.

2. Very physically attractive.

3. Into cuddling and general affection, some make-out sessions, and occasional hand jobs and blow jobs—but absolutely no penetrative sex or anal play.

4. Into picking up submissive women for MMF threesomes.

5. Into penetrative sex with said women.

6. Into using roleplay and D/s to take out our kinks on said women.

7. Into giving me the more dominant role.

Now for my questions: Does anyone like this actually exist? Is there a name for the fetish I’m describing? Does it have a community? Is it similar to any more accessible fetishes out there? Does my loss of libido and this specific fantasy say something about me that I’m too close to see?

Can Anyone Tell Me Anything Now

First and most importantly, CATMAN: Kinks aren’t things you “take out” on other people. They’re things you share and enjoy with other people. Perhaps that “take out on” was a slip of the tongue or a little premature dirty talk; lots of people into D/s get off on talking about their kinks—BB or TT or CBT—as if they’re things a sadistic Dom gets off on doing to a helpless sub. That’s the fantasy, CATMAN, but in reality, the Dom and sub discuss their desires in advance, identify areas of overlap, and set limits. (Not just bottoms; tops have limits, too.) However brutal things may look to someone who wasn’t a part of those negotiations, and however degrading things might sound, kink play is consensual and mutually pleasurable—and if it’s not consensual and mutually pleasurable, CATMAN, then it’s not kink play. It’s sexual assault.

Again, maybe it was a slip of the tongue, and I’m being a dick; you did mention a desire to find submissive women, CATMAN, which most likely means you were planning to seek out women who wanna be “used and abused” by two hot bi guys in love. And you’re in luck: There are definitely women out there who would be into this scenario—some readers probably went all WAP reading your question—but you’re unlikely to meet those women on a night out. Meaning: You shouldn’t be thinking about casually picking women up, CATMAN, but rather cultivating connections online or at kink events with submissive women who would get into subbing for you and your imaginary boyfriend.

Finding a guy who meets your long list of particulars is a taller order. It frankly doesn’t sound like you’re looking for a partner, i.e., someone whose needs you want to meet, but rather a guy you can plug into your masturbatory fantasies. He’s gotta be bi but not into butt stuff, a good guy, a hot guy, a sub where you’re concerned, and a Dom where women are concerned … and any deviation from that long list disqualifies him from consideration for your life partner-in-crime, making each and every item on that long list a deal-breaker.

Relationships require compromise, CATMAN; no one gets everything they want, and a long list of deal-breakers makes for even longer odds. If you can’t budge on any of the items on your list … well, then you might wanna think about getting yourself a sex doll or two. You also might wanna give some thought not just about your long and rigid list of deal-breakers, but about why that list is so long and rigid that you’re unlikely—as you suspect—to ever find someone.

Zooming out …

You say your libido tanked in early 2020, CATMAN, and studies show you’re not alone. The twin pandemics—the COVID-19 pandemic and the stupidity pandemic—have tanked a lot of people’s libidos. So if this fantasy is working for you right now, I think you should lean into it. It may be a tall order—it may be so unrealistic as to be unachievable—but indulging in this very specific fantasy has cracked your libido open, and continuing to beat off about this fantasy might blow your libido wide open.

I don’t like to pathologize people’s kinks or attach meaning to what are usually arbitrary, random and inexplicable sexual interests. But the taller the order, the less likely it can be filled, CATMAN, and it’s possible you may not want it filled at all—at least subconsciously, at least right now. Sometimes when sex is scary, we obsess about fantasies that are impossible to realize or partners who’re impossible to find, because it allows us to avoid partnered sex. I know at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, I was obsessed with a guy I couldn’t have, because it got me off the hook. My list of deal-breakers at that time was ironically pretty short: He had to be Tommy. If he wasn’t Tommy, I wasn’t interested. Tommy was amazing—totally obsession-worthy—and I did love him. But I know now that I threw myself into my obsession with Tommy to protect myself from a terrifying epidemic.

Maybe you’re doing something similar, CATMAN. But if I’m wrong—if this is what you want—there are cities out there with kink communities large enough for two partnered bi guys to find a steady stream of submissive women who wanna sub for them. But your list of deal-breakers is going to have to shrink if you ever hope to find a guy who’s close to what you want. And that’s all any of us ever gets, CATMAN—something close.


I’m a 39-year-old gay man living in Chicago. A good friend of mine recently got engaged to a wonderful man from Gambia in West Africa. She’s planning a ceremony there next summer and has invited me to attend. After doing a little research, I found out that being LGBT is a crime in that country, and the punishment is execution.

Should I go to the wedding and stay in the closet the whole time? In general, what do you think about gays traveling to countries that murder our LGBT brothers and sisters?

Intensely Nervous Venturing Into This Event

I wouldn’t go, INVITE, and if I were a straight girl, I wouldn’t expect my gay friends to risk their lives in order to attend my wedding.

While a quick search didn’t bring up news about any gay Westerners being executed in Gambia in recent history, gay tourists have been arrested, imprisoned and fined. So instead of attending your friend’s wedding next summer—which may not even happen, due to the pandemic—make a donation in her name to Initiative Sankofa d’Afrique de l’Ouest (www.ISDAO.org), an organization working to improve the lives and legal position of LGBT people in Gambia and other West African nations.

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I’m a 35-year-old woman. I recently discovered I’m a size queen. (Is it OK for me to use this term?) This has been brewing for a while as I have dabbled with purchasing larger and larger cucumbers and fucking myself with them after a good wash. I use a condom and tons of lube, and it’s been amazing.

Are there any safety or health concerns I should be aware of? I’m moving away from fucking produce and purchased my first sizable toy. I see safety tips online for men who like large toys in their butts, but I wanted to know if there is anything I should be aware of as a vagina-haver. I mainly partner with men but am expanding to date women, and I’ve been fisted only once by a woman and absolutely loved it.

Finding I Lately Love Enormous Dildos

So long as you’re taking it slow, FILLED, so long as you’re using lots of lube, so long as you’re playing with toys that have flared bases and were designed for insertion play, and so long as those toys are made of body-safe materials like silicone, then you’re doing everything right. And yes, FILLED, you may use the term “size queen” to describe yourself!


I’m a longtime fan of your column and your podcast. A discussion recently came up on Facebook, and I was curious as to what your take on the situation was. It was about diaper play: A group of people seem to think that enjoying this kink is the same thing as being a pedophile or engaging in “pedo-lite” behavior. Another group—myself included—believes that it is simply an expression of a kink between two consenting adults, and therefore isn’t the same as pedophilia at all. I was curious as to what your take on the situation was, or if you had any suggestions on how to approach this topic with the first group. Thank you; wishing you all the best!

Wandering Ethical Terrain Of Nappies Employed Sexually

Does fucking someone who’s wearing a dog collar count as bestiality? Of course not, WETONES, because dog collars no more turn consenting adults into dogs than diapers turn consenting adults into infants. And the disapproval of strangers on the internet not only won’t stop an adult who wants to wear diapers from wearing diapers, WETONES; that disapproval makes wearing diapers all the more arousing, because the transgression and “wrongness” of wearing diapers makes wearing diapers arousing—not for everyone, of course, but for most people who are into wearing diapers. Which means your disapproving friends are playing right into the pervy hands/crinkly rubber shorts of all the diaper lovers out there. And while it’s true that some people who are into age play are also into diapers, WETONES, it’s not true that everyone into diapers is into age play. For most people who get off on diapers, it’s the humiliation of being a diapered adult that turns them on, not the fantasy of being a child.


My husband and I recently watched the fantastic ’70s porn Alice in Wonderland: An X-rated Musical Fantasy. (We got to it by watching Meatballs.) It was everything I’ve ever wanted in a porn. Perhaps you or your readers could recommend something similar to put in our rotation?

Likes To Watch

Check out Caligula. This intermittently pornographic 1979 film probably isn’t as lighthearted as the version Alice in Wonderland you stumbled over, LTW, but it doubtless has a much more interesting backstory and far bigger stars—a young and sexy Malcolm McDowell as the mad Roman emperor with Peter O’Toole (!), John Gielgud (!!) and Helen Mirren (!!!) in supporting roles. Even better, this amazing train wreck of a movie is based on a screenplay by Gore Vidal. (Got a ’70s porn recommendation for LTW? Share it in the comment thread!)


Here’s a quickie: If a woman is attracted to cis men and nonbinary humans (who can have either a penis or vagina), but that woman is not attracted to cis women … would that woman be bi or pan? Labels are not super important to me, Dan, but I’m calling on my friendly neighborhood sex advice columnist for help just the same!

Loves All Bodies Except Ladies

While bisexual was once commonly understood to mean “attracted to both sexes,” the Human Rights Campaign’s online glossary now defines bisexual as “emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity.” That same online glossary defines pansexual as, “the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender.” While on the first read there doesn’t seem to be much daylight between those two definitions, LABEL, there actually is some difference between being attracted to “more than one (gender)” and being attracted to “people of any gender.” And while a lot of people use bi and pan pretty much interchangeably these days, the bi label is probably a slightly better fit for you, LABEL, seeing as your libido disqualifies all members of one gender—your own—from emotional, romantic or sexual consideration.


I’m a queer man who’s starting to bottom again after 10 years of being on top. I have a butt plug that my anus keeps pushing out, even though I’ve tried relaxing and lots of lube. It feels great when it’s in, and then there it goes! I need tips! But not just the tip, please.

Exciting XXX Toy Or Projectile?

The butt plug you’re using is too small. Like other recovering tops before you, EXTOP, you made the mistake of purchasing a small plug, because you didn’t think your ass could handle a medium or large one. But butt plugs are held in place after the widest part slides all the way into your ass, past your anal sphincters; then your sphincters close around the neck of the plug, aka the narrow part before the flared base. But if the wide part isn’t much wider than the narrow part—if you bought a plug that looks more like a finger than a lava lamp—then the anal sphincters will push the plug back out. Or, even worse, they’ll send the plug flying across the room when your sphincters contract at the moment of orgasm. Do yourself and your wallpaper a favor, EXTOP, and get yourself a bigger plug.


I am an avid reader, and I incorporate much of your advice in caring for my patients. I have tremendous respect for you and your column. Nonetheless, I must raise a concern about a small comment on in your response to COVET, the woman who was wondering about getting together with a new partner for sex despite social distancing: “Life is short,” you wrote, “and this pandemic is going to be long.” The lockdown is indeed difficult, Dan, but the concept that “this pandemic is going to be long” leads too many of us to feel as if the pandemic will never end. Impatience is driving some people to risky behavior that can be otherwise avoided.

With attention to safety measures, we can reduce our risk of infection, as well as emotionally survive until a vaccine is available. Patience with the pandemic is analogous to the perseverance that Londoners used to get through the bombings of World War II.

Practice All Necessary Deeds Especially Masks Isolating COVID-19

Thank you for sharing, PANDEMIC!


I got into my Lyft at 6 a.m. this morning to go to the airport. My driver was an older man with a southern drawl. The Savage Lovecast was playing on the radio when I entered his car, and I thought he was going to turn it off when he realized it was still on, and I was already planning to ask him to turn it back on if he did. I’ve had some heartfelt beautiful and rich conversations with my Lyft drivers, and I thought we would bond over our shared love of your show. I was literally sitting in the backseat thinking, “This is so great; we are so different, but we have at least one thing in common. I wonder how long has he been a listener, and could he be a Magnum subscriber, too?” Then I realized the episode playing was the one I was listening to the previous night as I fell asleep ... and then I realized my phone was connected to his car’s Bluetooth. Oops. Love you, Dan!

Sheryl In TEXAS!

Thank you for sharing, SIT, and thanks for turning a new listener on to the Savage Lovecast! This week, it features Dr. David Ley on sex addiction vs. kink; www.savagelovecast.com.

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I’m committed to my male partner, and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together; we have a dog; and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months.

Here’s the issue: He met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred, and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night; she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I’m still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now, and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist, and I’m on meds, but the meds have made me gain about 50 pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression.

I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now, I’m not confident enough to be OK with him being sexual with another person, even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me, yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking: WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

You say it doesn’t bother you—it doesn’t totally bother you—that this woman texts your partner day and night, DPRESSD, which strikes me as odd. Because that shit would drive me up the wall. Blowing up someone’s phone at all hours of the day and night screams, “I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING CONSIDERATE! I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL!” Even if you were in a place where you felt better about your partner getting some attention elsewhere, the shit this woman is pulling would still be annoying, unsettling and totally bothersome.

And this shit should be disqualifying—meaning, your partner should’ve shut this woman down already. He should’ve told this woman to knock it off, and if she didn’t knock it off, he should’ve told her to fuck the fuck off and blocked her number. If he tried to shut her down and she kept texting him, DPRESSD, then I have to wonder why he hasn’t blocked her number already. Assuming he’s telling you the truth about not being attracted to her—and it sounds like he is—he may have allowed this to go on, because he enjoys feeling desirable, and/or he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. If it’s the former, make it clear to your partner that you wouldn’t have a problem with him finding someone else to swap flirty sext messages with, so long as it’s someone who can sext in moderation and at appropriate times. If it’s the latter, DPRESSD, make it clear to your partner that this shit is hurting your feelings, and as his partner, you expect him to prioritize your feelings over his former co-worker’s feelings.

All that said, DPRESSD, even if the thought of your partner going off to play with another woman didn’t make you feel insecure, you wouldn’t want your partner getting blown by this particular woman. Even if your partner has never said, “Don’t text me at all hours of the day and night,” that’s no excuse. No one wants their phone or their partner’s phone blowing up at 3 a.m.; that’s not a boundary anyone should have to articulate to set, and articulated or not, no one with any common sense would do that. (And, holy crap, if this is how this woman behaves in pursuit of your partner’s big cock, how is she gonna behave after she gets a taste?)

As for the house issue, DPRESSD, press your partner to clarify his sudden hesitancy. It may have nothing to do with your relationship; it’s entirely possible that he’s freaked out by the state of the world—because, my God, who isn’t?—and he’s having second thoughts about sinking his savings into a house. Depression often puts the worst possible spin on things; it can lead us to reject a calming truth someone is telling us in favor of an alarming lie we’re telling ourselves. Don’t fall into that trap.

And finally, DPRESSD, please talk to your doctor about switching out your meds. If weight gain is a side effect of the ones you’re on now, and weight gain is making you more depressed, then it doesn’t make sense to keep treating your depression with the meds you’re on now. A different med might give you the same benefits without this particular side effect.


I met someone I connected with during quarantine. We’ve all but committed to screwing our brains out after we’re given the all-clear. But she recently suffered a devastating loss. We will meet, on her terms, most likely very soon. I know I should follow her lead, but should I avoid sex even if she wants to have sex? I don’t know if sex will help or hurt. Is being chaste and supportive the right move? Can sex help in a time of loss? I just don’t want to be the asshole someone winds up writing to you for advice about.

Looking Over Sexual Timing

Follow her lead—that’s a good impulse—and if she wants to have sex after you’ve met in person and after you’ve made it clear to her that there’s no rush, LOST, and if you want to have sex after you’ve met her in person, go ahead and have sex. Some people find sex after a devastating loss to be healing and affirming, and the last thing that person needs is for someone else to decide they shouldn’t be having sex or even wanting to have sex.

As for the all-clear you’re waiting for, well, that could be a long time off, seeing as COVID-19 rates are spiking all over the country. If you decide you can’t wait for the all-clear, please consult the New York Health Department’s safer-sex/harm-reduction recommendations for people who want to have sex during this pandemic. (Google “New York Health,” “coronavirus,” and “sex.”) To quickly summarize: You can minimize your risk of contracting or transmitting COVID-19 by wearing a mask, not eating ass, using condoms, and using a glory hole.


I’m a woman who has been dating someone long-distance for seven months. I’ve been transparent about my need for an open relationship. Recently, this gentleman asked me to tell him if I slept with someone else. I agreed, because I’m not sleeping with anyone at the moment due to COVID-19. But since March, I’ve been having phone sex with a long-term booty call who lives across the country. Neither knows about the other, and neither one knows I’m bisexual. No big deal, right? I’m a first responder in a male-dominated field, and I put up with enough bullshit without the men in my life knowing I eat pussy. How much of an asshole am I for not disclosing what I don’t need to?

Not Banging (Other) Dudes

You’re being an asshole—to yourself. Hiding your bisexuality from the men you’re dating increases your odds of winding up in a relationship with someone who judges, shames or hates you for being bisexual, NBOD, and why on earth would you want to do that to yourself? Disclosing your bisexuality ups your odds of attracting a guy who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but it’s easier to weed those guys out early than it is to leave (or divorce) some guy who reveals himself to be biphobic after you’ve made a huge emotional investment in him.

As for the phone sex … you should disclose that, too. If Mr. Seven Months can’t handle you having phone sex, NBOD, he certainly won’t be able to handle you sleeping with someone else. And if he can’t handle that, he’s not the right guy for a woman who wants/needs/requires an open relationship.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.savagelovecast.com.

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Hey, everybody! We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night, and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state.

I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time, so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go …

Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?

I’ve heard people describe relationships that were three months old as “LTRs.” Assuming you’re not one of those people—assuming you’ve been with this guy for more than a year—and you’ve already said “I love you” to him, and he hasn’t said it back, well, that’s a bad sign. But I wouldn’t describe it as a red flag. Early warning signs for physical or emotional abuse are red flags; not hearing “I love you” from someone you’d like to hear that from does suck, I know (because I’ve been there)—but it’s not a sign that you’re in danger, girl. It’s also not proof your partner has attachment or commitment issues; he just might not be interested in attaching or committing to you. But whatever the case might be, if you’re unhappy being with someone who can’t bring himself to say “I love you,” then you shouldn’t be with that person.

Is there a safe way to date/be slutty now? Will there ever be again? I’m poly but live alone, so I haven’t had sex in 12 weeks. HELP!

While health officials in most places are urging all to only have sex with people we live with—mom and dad excepted—over in the Netherlands, health officials are advising single and horny Dutch people to find “sex buddies.” One sex buddy per person, and ideally someone who isn’t interacting with too many other people. If you can find someone you trust—and if you are someone who can be trusted—you could go Dutch.

My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend who just can’t let it go. He’s blocked her on social media, but his mother still follows his ex and is friends with her, and they interact at least monthly—likes, comments, etc. Can I address the issue with his mom, or is that just somewhere you don’t go?

Why are you monitoring your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend’s social media? I mean, if you weren’t lurking on her Instagram, you wouldn’t know your future MIL is liking and commenting on her photos. Your fiancé’s mom is an adult, and she can follow anyone she likes on Instagram. And if you don’t want her to think you’re the toxic one, you won’t address this with her. Be the change you wanna see in your fiancé’s ex: Let it go.

I’ve always wanted to know more about your history with circumcision.

My history with circumcision isn’t that interesting: I was present at one circumcision (my own); I’ve never performed a circumcision (that I recall); and I’ve encountered both circumcised and uncircumcised dicks in the wild (and enjoyed them all).

My wife and I are lesbians who just found out we’re having a baby boy! We’re super excited but had some penis questions. My wife wants to circumcise our son, because she says that if he’s uncircumcised, he’ll get made fun of in the locker room. Does this happen? How often do boys look at each other’s dicks growing up?

The circumcision rate among newborn boys has been falling for decades, and now only a little more than half of boys are circumcised at birth. So even if boys were comparing their dicks in locker rooms—and they’re not—your son won’t be alone. For the record: the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend the procedure, and the supposed health benefits—a lower risk for urinary-tract infections and a lower risk for some sexually transmitted infections—aren’t a convincing argument in favor of the routine circumcision of male infants. While the complication rate is low (1.5 percent), those complications can range from easily treatable infections to “amputation of the glans,” “necrosis of the penis” and “death.” Risking your son’s life and most important limb to spare him a moment’s awkwardness in a locker room seems unreasonable to me—particularly since your son can’t consent.

My partner wants me (F) to peg him! Hooray! Any advice? He is very hot! Thanks! You rock!

He should douche! Plenty of lube! Take it slow! Film it for HUMP!

I’m a bisexual male in California. When is the right time to tell someone I just started dating that I’m bisexual? And how?

Mention your bisexuality on dating apps—which is where most couples meet these days—and you won’t have to tell someone you’re bisexual after you’ve started dating them. If you meet someone the old-fashioned way (school, work, through friends), tell ’em right away. It’s nothing you should be ashamed of or have to roll out carefully. And being with someone who can’t embrace and celebrate your sexuality is bad for your mental health; the more out you are about being bi, the lower your odds of winding up with someone who has a problem with it. It ups your odds of winding up with someone who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but if you had to choose between a partner who disapproves (and polices) and a partner who drools (and wants to watch), you’re gonna way better off with the droolers.

Cis poly woman here. My quarantine sexpod contains me and my two male partners. We’ll call them A and B. My partner B has another female partner that we’ll call C. Since we’re already "connected" anyway, would it change anything for me to have a threesome with B and C?

If B is fucking C and then coming home and fucking you and then you’re running down the hall to A, then C is essentially already in your sexpod. The bigger your sexpod, the more people you’re in contact with, the greater your risk of contracting and/or spreading COVID-19. Ideally, C would move in with you and A and B if you’re all going to be fucking each other. But not having a threesome with B and C while B is out there fucking C won’t protect you and A from whatever B might bring home from C.

Gay black male from New York City here. Two months ago, I lost my partner of 17 years to COVID-19. I have a pretty strong support system, but it’s really hitting me really hard right now, because my partner was very politically active and supportive of the struggles of black and brown people. I’ve been in therapy, but do you have any suggestions or resources for how to deal with such a loss in the midst of all this chaos?

I’m so sorry for your loss—and I apologize for not spotting your question during the show. I’m glad you have a strong support system and that you’re working with a therapist. If you need more support, your therapist should be able to refer you to an online grief support group. And I’ll just add: Grief isn’t something we “deal with,” and then we’re done. It’s something we carry with us. And in my experience, time doesn’t lighten the load. Still, the longer we walk with it, the stronger we get, and the lighter it feels. My heart goes out to you.

Longtime listener and magnum subscriber! We will keep this short: We are in a happy monogamish marriage and have heard one is not supposed to share toys under any circumstances. What are your thoughts on this?

One shouldn’t share a toy one hasn’t cleaned—and one should make sure one’s toys aren’t made of porous materials that are hard or impossible to clean. But if one has, say, a silicone toy that can be run through a dishwasher, well, one can share that toy. A fluid-bonded couple can safely share toys during sex, of course, so long as toys aren’t going from assholes to vaginas between cleanings. You also shouldn’t put a dildo in your spouse and then stick it in your very special guest star. But if you obey those simple rules—clean toys, no ass-to-vag, no used toys in thirds or toys used by thirds in primaries—it’s safe to share your toys.

I’m a 25-year-old lesbian trans woman in Chicago. I had a long video chat two weeks ago with a woman I met at the Chicago Age Players Convention—think International Mr. Leather but for adult babies/diaper lovers—and we really hit it off. It felt like we were about to pull a U-Haul despite being in quarantine. We even discussed a visit. But since then, I haven’t heard from her. I’ve tried texting and calling. My question is: What should I do? How can we reconnect?

You can’t reconnect if she isn’t interested in reconnecting. I know that sucks, but you’ve already done everything you can—you texted, you called. She knows you’re still interested, and you have to accept that you’ll hear only if she wants to reconnect. Hopefully nothing’s wrong, and she’s safe. I don’t think ghosting is ever nice, but a lot of people are struggling right now, and some people who wouldn’t normally ghost are ghosting. If she offers you an apology when she reaches out to you again—if she reaches out to you again—don’t hold the ghosting against her. If you never hear from her again, well, then she wasn’t who you hoped she was.

Thank you again to everyone who bought a ticket to the Savage Love Livestream! All proceeds—every single cent raised—went to Northwest Harvest. If anyone reading this is in a donating mood right now, you can donate to Northwest Harvest directly at northwestharvest.org/donate.

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It’s taken a lot to do this, but here goes: I am a 38-year-old gay male. I have been dating this guy for one year and 10 months. It’s been a lot of work. He’s cheated on me numerous times. He lives with me and doesn’t work, and I’ve been taking care of him for seven months now. He always accuses me of cheating or finds something to blame me for. What I am angry about now is how for the past four months, he has been accusing me of playing games by conspiring with people to make him hear voices. If I look up at the ceiling or look around, he says I am communicating with “them.” I keep telling him I do not hear or see anything, but he insists that I am lying. He also says I put a curse on him.

One day, I got up; he’d packed his bags, said he’d enough and walked out. He said I was not being loyal. This is a man who has been doing coke since age of 14, and he is now 43 years old. He does meth and whatever else. He said until I come clean about hearing the voices, too, and admit I cast some sort a spell on him, he won’t talk to me or see me. Mental illness runs in his family, and one sibling already committed suicide. He didn’t want professional help, because, he says, “I am too smart for that.”

I’m hurt and angry and want some advice. ANY ADVICE. Please.

Desperate For Answers

I don’t see the problem.

A delusional and potentially dangerous drug addict with mental-health issues who refuses to get help packed his bags and walked out of your life. Yahtzee, DFA—you win. It was his presence in your life (and your apartment) that was the problem, and your boyfriend—your ex-boyfriend—just solved it for you. Block his number; change your locks; and pray he forgets your address.

You might wanna seek some professional help yourself. You need to get to the bottom of why you wasted nearly two years on this asshole. Being alone can’t be worse than being with someone who cheats on you and then accuses you of cheating—to say nothing of someone who abuses drugs, hears voices and makes other irrational/delusional accusations. He wasn’t just a danger to himself, DFA; he was a danger to you. He’s out of your apartment—now you need to get him out of your head.

About a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after I found out was cheating on me. Long before we broke up, I freaked out about a rash; looking back, I think it was probably herpes all along. I found out for sure three days ago, and I’m honestly thinking about not telling him. He doesn’t show any symptoms, and he’s the type of guy who will call me a slut if I tell him. He’ll blame me for his wrongdoing and just keep going and going. I honestly don’t know if I should tell him, since he’s asymptomatic. This is going to cause a huge problem between us.

He has a lot of anger issues and he could use this as blackmail. I’m legitimately scared.

Her Ex Reacts Personally

Letting a former sex partner know you may have exposed them to an STI—or that they may have exposed you to an STI—is the decent, responsible, courteous and kind thing to do. Not just for their health and safety, HERP, but for the health and safety of their future sex partners.

But people who are unkind, scary and violent have no one but themselves to blame when a former sex partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/enbyfriend is too afraid for their own safety to make that disclosure. Provided your fears are legitimate, HERP, and you’re not inflating them to avoid an awkward or unpleasant conversation, you don’t owe your ex a call.

I’m a bi guy, living alone. At the start of the year, this new guy moved into the house where I live in—we share communal areas but have private rooms—and he’s a bit of a slacker, but holy shit, is he hot. I’ve had regular fantasies about him—and now with the quarantine, those fantasies have increased along with the number of times I see him in a day. I’ve been feeling the urge to ask him if he’s interested in anything, but my friends have advised me to “not shit where I eat.” But due to the quarantine, the only other option I have is masturbating, and that’s not doing the trick. Should I take the plunge and ask him?

Household Entirely Lacks Pleasure

Health authorities have advised us to shit where we eat for the time being. The New York City Health Department recommends masturbation, HELP, because you are and always have been your safest sex partner. But your next-safest partner during this pandemic is someone with whom you live. NYC Health has advised us all to “avoid close contact—including sex—with anyone outside your household.” That doesn’t mean everyone inside your household is fair game, of course; some people are quarantining with their parents. But if there was ever a time when you could approach a non-related adult with whom you live to see if they might wanna fuck around, now’s the time.

Apologize to the hot slacker in advance for potentially making things awkward, and invite him to say no. (“If you’re not interested, please say no, and I promise not to bring it up again.”) But if the answer is yes, HELP, send video.

I’m a gay bondage bottom. My boyfriend of four years is 100 percent vanilla, and we solved the “problem” of my need to get tied up—and it’s a real need—by outsourcing it. (Can you tell we’re longtime readers and listeners?) I was seeing two regular FWBs/bondage buddies, but that’s obviously on hold right now. (I’ve reached out to both my FWBs to let them both know I’m thinking about them and that I care about them, Dan, like you’ve been urging people to do on your show.)

The issue is I still really need to get tied up, and my boyfriend is willing, but he’s so bad at it that I don’t want to bother. He knows how much I need it, and he’s hurt that I’d rather go without than let him put me in bondage that isn’t really bondage, because I can easily get out. We used to fight, because I wanted him to tie me up, and he didn’t want to do it, and now we’re fighting because he wants to tie me up and I won’t let him do it. Any advice for a fan?

This Isn’t Exactly Desirable

If people can teach yoga, give concerts and conduct first dates via online streaming services, then one of your bondage buddies can—if they’re into the idea—give your boyfriend a few bondage tutorials online. I’m glad to hear you already reached out to your bondage buddies, TIED, since now you’ll be asking them to do you and your boyfriend a favor. But I imagine it’s a favor they’ll enjoy doing.

I’m a teenage girl with a female friend who keeps joking about having sex with me. We’re both into girls and sex, and while I find her really hot, she probably doesn’t feel the same about me. How can I tell if she’s joking about it because she finds the idea ridiculous, or if she’s joking about it because she actually wants to? Once everything goes back to normal COVID-wise, what should I do?

Getting Into Real Life

The ability to ask someone a direct question—particularly someone you’re interested in romantically and/or sexually—is an important skill, GIRL, and getting some practice now, when stakes are relatively low, will benefit you for your entire life. So get your friend on the phone, and ask her this: “Are you serious about wanting to have sex with me? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I’m actually attracted to you. Please say no if the answer’s no.” If the answer is yes, you can make a date to get together once circumstances/pandemics allow. But if the answer is no, GIRL, then you can get some practice making declarative statements: “I don’t want you to make those jokes anymore. They’re hurtful to me.” And if she continues to make jokes about having sex with you after you’ve made it clear she’s hurting your feelings, then she’s just being cruel and doesn’t deserve your time, attention or friendship.

The Savage Lovecast, every Tuesday. This week, with Marc Maron! www.savagelovecast.com

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I am a super-queer-presenting female who recently accepted that I have desires for men. My partner of two years is bisexual and understands the desires, but has personally dealt with those desires via masturbation—while my desires include acting. Her perspective is that the grass is greener where you water it, and that my desire to act is immature and selfish, and has an unrealistic end game. What gives when you don’t feel fulfilled sexually in a monogamous relationship?

Open Or Over?

Something definitely gives when a person doesn’t feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes it’s an ultimatum that’s given; sometimes it’s a one-time-only hall pass that’s given; sometimes it’s an agreement to open the relationship that’s given. But the relationship sometimes gives, e.g., the relationship collapses under the weight of competing and mutually exclusive needs and desires. If you want to open things up (if allowed), and she wants to keep things closed (no allowance), OOO, it’s ultimately your willpower—your commitment to honoring the commitment you’ve made—that’s likely to give.

I have a close friend who’s cheating on her girlfriend. It has been going on for more than a year. At first, I actually supported the exploration, because my friend has a really unsupportive girlfriend who has done really crappy things to her over the course of their relationship. I kept pushing for her to make a decision and use this affair as a way for her to free herself, but she is just coasting along with her girlfriend and her lover. She’s under a lot of stress, and she’s turned into a major liar—and it’s creeping me out. I’m considering either telling her girlfriend myself (though I promised my friend I wouldn’t), or maybe I just need to end this friendship. My friend’s double life upsets me. It’s just been going on too long.

Is My Friend An Asshole?

If your friend—the one leading the double life—is asking you to run interference for her, if she’s asking you to lie to her girlfriend, or if she’s asked you to compromise your integrity in some way, she’s an asshole, and you’re a sap; tell your friend you’re done covering for her and that you won’t be able to see her again until the deceit or the pandemic is over, whichever comes first. If the issue is that your friend expects you to ooze sympathy while she goes on and on about the mess she’s made of her life, IMFAA, simply refuse to discuss the mess that is her love life. Remind her that she already knows what you think needs to do—she needs to break the fuck up with her shitty girlfriend—and then change the subject.

I’m a cis het woman who loves men and loves dicks. I love dicks so much that I fantasize about having one. Nothing brings me to orgasm more quickly or reliably than closing my eyes and imagining my own dick, or imagining myself as my partner, and what they’re feeling through their dick. I love being a woman, and I’m afraid to bring this up with any partner(s) of mine. Is this super-weird? Am I secretly trans somehow? Am I overthinking this?

Perfect Minus Penis

It’s not that weird; some people are trans, and you could be one of them (but fantasizing about having a dick ≠ being a male); and you’re overthinking what you should be enjoying. Buy a strap-on; tell your partners about your fantasies; and enjoy having the dick you can have.

I wonder if you might be able to put a label on this sex act: It has to do with overstimulation, in this case of a penis (mine). After receiving a wonderful hand job, the giver kept stroking me purposefully. My penis was in a heightened, super-sensitive state. It was almost like being tickled, if you’re ticklish. I was being forcefully held down (consensually), and just as I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I had a second amazing orgasm. I didn’t ejaculate again; it was more of a body orgasm. It came in waves, and everything was warm. It was mind-blowing, spiritual, galactic, unique and very similar to how I’ve heard women describe their orgasms. Ever hear of anything like this? Is this some sort of Japanese underground kink thing?

Witty Hilarious Overzealous Amateur

The act you’re describing already has a name, WHOA, and an entry on Urban Dictionary: apple-polishing. Most men find the sensation of having the head of their cock worked so overwhelming that their bodies involuntarily recoil, which makes it difficult to polish someone’s apple if the “victim” isn’t restrained in some way. But it’s not painful—it’s like being tickled; indeed, the victim usually reacts with desperate laughter and gasping pleas for it to stop. (Don’t ask me how I know.) That all-over feeling of euphoria you experienced when your apple got polished was most likely a wave of endorphins—like a runner who pushes herself past her physical limits and experiences a full-body “runner’s high.” You were pushed past your physical limits, WHOA, and experienced the same sort of high.

I’m a 35-year-old straight guy. I recently started seeing an amazing 34-year-old girl. We love being around each other, but during sex, neither of us can come. It’s infuriating, to say the least. She has no trouble when she masturbates, and I know I have no trouble when I masturbate, so why can’t we come together?

Can’t Understand Matter

If you can come when you masturbate, and she can come when she masturbates, CUM, masturbate together, and you’ll be coming together. Mutual masturbation isn’t a sad consolation prize—mutual masturbation is sex, and it can be great sex. And the more often you come together through mutual masturbation, CUM, the likelier it gets that you’ll be able to come together while enjoying other things.

I have a weird and terrible problem. I’ve been seeing someone new, and I have just discovered that I get diarrhea every time I swallow his come—like debilitating pee poops an hour after, every time. I know the solution to the problem would be to stop swallowing, but I was wondering if you had ever heard of this before or knew why this was.

My Sad Asshole

I have heard of this before, MSA, and superstar Savage Love guest expert Dr. Debby Herbenick unpacked the cause for another reader a few years back: “Prostaglandins are substances made by the body and that the body is sensitive to. Semen contains prostaglandins—and prostaglandins can have a laxative effect on people. Related: If you’ve ever felt a little loosey-goosey right before getting your period, that’s also thanks to prostaglandins (which spike just before your period, because the prostaglandins get the uterine muscles to contract, which then helps to shed the lining of the uterus, resulting in a menstrual period). So why don’t more semen-swallowers find themselves running to the bathroom post-blowjob? I don’t know why most people aren’t extra-sensitive to prostaglandins, but fortunately, most of us aren’t, or there would probably be a lot less swallowing in the world.”

So, MSA, you’ll have to stop swallowing your boyfriend’s come, or only swallow when you have immediate access to a toilet in a restroom with a powerful fan.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast, this week with Erin Gibson: www.savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a 26-year-old bisexual woman with a history of self-harm. It hasn’t been much of an issue for the last few years, but my sex life has improved a lot in that time. I realized that I am quite submissive and masochistic, and I have found a wonderful Dominant partner who I’ve gotten to explore that kink with in a positive and healthy way.

Last night, I watched the movie Secretary, and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character is someone who self-harms, but stops when she begins a Dom/sub relationship with her boss. Obviously this film is flawed and not exactly a great guideline for healthy BDSM relationships. (The power dynamic! The lack of consent! That weird come scene!) However, I did find myself relating to her character and am now questioning my motives for pursuing this kind of sexual relationship. I worry that I may be unintentionally using the pain that I lovingly experience from my partner as a replacement for the pain I used to experience from my bad habits. Or am I using BDSM as a form of harm reduction? Is it rational to even compare these two things?

Seeking Careful Advice Regarding Recent Emotional Discovery

“I completely get where SCARRED is coming from,” said Lina Dune, the creator of Ask a Sub (askasub.com). “You’re discovering your kinks, and then the culture comes in with a not-entirely-accurate film or hot take, and it can taint your self-discovery.”

Dune is known as a “fairy submother” to her thousands of followers on Instagram, where she regularly posts about the D/s lifestyle, and frequently highlights red flags that newbies to the kink scene may miss. (A Dom who insists he “doesn’t negotiate” with subs? Run away.) While still relatively young herself, Dune has been active in the kink scene for many years and identifies as a 24/7 lifestyle sub.

“There’s a difference between self-harm and what SCARRED is doing with her Dom in a consensual, rational, measured environment with safe words in place,” said Dune. “And it’s telling that she didn’t write in to say, ‘Oh my god, I’m using D/s to self-harm!’ Rather, she’s worried she might be unintentionally or unknowingly engaging in some form of self-harm.”

While the fictional character played by Maggie Gyllenhaal stops engaging in acts of self-harm after entering into a D/s relationship with the fictional character played by James Spader, SCARRED, you don’t want to over-interpret that fictional narrative. Meaning: While the film suggested there was a causal relationship between Gyllenhaal’s character entering into a D/s relationship and no longer engaging in acts of self-harm, that doesn’t mean the same is true for you.

“The culture infantilizes us all when it comes to owning our sexual desires—and that’s especially the case for women,” said Dune. “The message is: ‘You don’t know what you’re getting into,’ or, ‘You don’t realize the effect this is having.’ But if there’s one thing SCARRED is an expert on, it’s herself. It’s not like she’s in a trance when she’s with her Dom—no matter what the movies want us to believe about D/s relationships—which means she’s consciously choosing this for herself, and it feels healthy and good. Our bodies don’t usually lie, and I’d be willing to bet that self-harm did not feel that way.”

But even if it turns out you’re right—even if, worst-case scenario, joyful consensual kink in the context of an intimate connection with another person is somehow a replacement for solo acts of self-harm that isolated you—it could still be a good thing.

Dune suggests that you explore your feelings with a kink-positive therapist, and I want to second that. “From my perspective, it looks like SCARRED may have been manufacturing her own version of exposure therapy, which some somatic-based psychologists have suggested is exactly what negotiated, consent-based kink play can provide,” said Dune. “For example, a person with a fear of being powerless may find it helpful to experiment with powerlessness in small, controlled doses in the context of a structured, negotiated BDSM situation. Looking a fear in the eye, and then being able to back away from it at will, and end with a cuddle and a check-in with your play partner, can make you feel more powerful, not less. So if SCARRED can consciously work through this with a therapist and her Dom, this BDSM relationship has the potential to be very healing, just as long as she maintains her autonomy within it.”

Follow Lina Dune on Twitter and Instagram @AskASub.


I’m a 26-year-old straight man, and I haven’t gotten laid in a while. I never actually got much to begin with. I lost my virginity late (age 23, also my first kiss) and had bottled up quite a bit of frustration until then (and I’ve still got a lot of that left over). I also suffer from crippling social anxiety—so crippling, in fact, that I can’t even get to know people online, which rules out online dating.

I have recently come to the realization that the only way for me to ever get better is to stop wanting to get laid so much. Which. Is. Hard. The first step is learning to be OK with things as they are, which I am making progress with. But sex is everywhere: TV, movies, magazines. On the few occasions I do get to spend time with people, sex comes up a lot. People seriously complain to me about not having “gotten any” for two months, and that’s not enough for them. I’ve heard people describe themselves as “late bloomers” because they had their first time at 17 or 19.

I feel like such a freak. I have a male roommate who frequently has women over. I hear them going at it through the wall and get panic attacks because of it.

I need some advice on how to be OK with not getting any, not really having gotten much to begin with, and just generally being nervous and inexperienced and self-conscious and lonely. I know that’s a lot, but perhaps you have some valuable thoughts for me.

After-School Special

Since there’s no way to strip the sex scenes and sexual references from every TV show you watch, magazine you read, or conversation you have, ASS, working on yourself is going to be a far better use of your time than demanding a remade/desexed world. And by “working on yourself,” of course I mean “getting your ass into therapy.”

Whether or not you ever get laid again, getting professional help to address your frustrations and social anxiety is going to improve your life. (It will increase the chances that you’ll get laid again, ASS, but no promises.)

And take heart: For every letter like yours I get from a straight guy, ASS, I get an identical letter from a straight woman. Which means there are a lot of women out there who are just as inexperienced, self-conscious and lonely. Once you’re in good working order—not perfect, just functional—you might be able to connect with one of those women or some other woman. (But no one wants to connect with a guy who gives off a ragey vibe, so please stay away from incel forums.)

Your inexperience makes you less freakish these days than you seem to realize. While 54 percent of high-school students had had sex by age 18 in 1991, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, today, only 41 percent of high-school students have had sex by age 18. Which means there are a lot of “late bloomers” out there, ASS. And while you’ve doubtless heard that confidence is attractive, you most likely haven’t been told that a person doesn’t need to be experienced to be confident. A guy just has to be comfortable enough in his own skin to be open about who he is, where he’s at, and what he’s looking for.

But first things first: Get yourself a good therapist … and maybe a pair of noise-canceling headphones.

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