CVIndependent

Tue06272017

Last updateFri, 16 Sep 2016 12pm

Ask a Mexican

30 Sep 2015
Dear Mexican: My boyfriend is Mexican, and I love him very much. We have a very good relationship, and most of the time, he is sensitive to my needs and feelings. On some occasions, however, he will act in a VERY stubborn way. For example, if something I say or do is disappointing to him, rather than tell me he is disappointed or hurt, he will insist that whatever we are doing has to stop. One time, we had a disagreement on New Year’s Eve when we were getting ready to go out for the evening. He got so angry that he yelled and said the evening was off, and we were not going out—so we didn’t go. Another example that just happened the other night was that I didn’t feel like dancing when we were out at a lounge, but I wanted to stay to hear the music. He…
23 Sep 2015
Dear Mexican: I’m white, and Donald Trump scares the crap out of me. Mexicans must be shaking in their boots. Does The Donald give Mexicans the willies? Do Mexicans get the willies? Dump Trump Dear Gabacho: Scared of him? Donald Trump is the best thing to happen to Mexicans since the bacon-wrapped hot dog. Oh, his rhetoric is straight out of The Turner Diaries, and Trump’s fans make slack-jawed yokels seem as cultured as Aristophanes. But the piñata pendejo is exactly what Mexicans need—a kick in the nalgas to wake us up and get ready for the 2016 elections. Mexicans vote best when raza is threatened, and given he’s vowing to deport 11 million undocumented folks and their anchor babies (otherwise known as “American citizens” by the Constitution), we’re going to make sure that neither Trump nor any of the candidates copying his ideas get into the Oval Office. And…
16 Sep 2015
Dear Mexican: I’m tired of debating pasty white-breads that the Camino Real has had people going back and forth across the border for more than 500 years—and that a fence is redundant, because people will always be crossing our southern border. The white-breads insist that the wall can end this traffic; I don’t think so. What is your thought on the history of the Camino Real? Blanco Beaner Dear Gabacho: Which Camino Real are we talking about? The one that connected California’s missions and was romanticized by gabachos? The one that connected Texas’ missions? El Camino Real de Tierra Adentro, which went from Mexico City to Santa Fe? Or El Camino Real, the chingón Fullerton eatery that’s the favorite Mexican restaurant of Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant? All of them reflect the same idea you allude to—that la frontera has had humans going back and forth for centuries, if…
09 Sep 2015
Dear Mexican: Why is it that Mexican immigrants like my parents—who have done well enough in this country to provide a home (a house, paid off in 10 years, in white Orange County), an education, food, clothes and toys for their children (namely, myself and my brother)—can complain about El Hombre Gringo and his stupid immigration laws, yet when they go down to Tijuana, or to visit family in La Barca and Zacatecas, they complain about the prices of things: the blankets, the jewelry, the food, about how all it’s “tan caro”? Call me a commie, but goddamn, these people are making shit profit on their wares. Shouldn’t more affluent people such as my parents be happy to spread their money around and help out their fellow men and women? Why do my parents complain about how El Hombre Gringo treats us like shit, even though Mexicans work hard at…
02 Sep 2015
Dear Readers: The Mexican is currently in the rancho, scheming about how to get close enough to Donald Trump so I can smear a bean burrito in his face … HA! But I did want to share two cosas. A couple of weeks back, I published a letter by one Dickhead in Denver, who asked 10 pendejo questions, regarding everything from why Mexicans are so fat to why Mexicans aren’t good in math. Your humble paisa easily knocked him down, but so did many of ustedes in letters sent to me—chingao! I wish I could quote one directly, but I can’t. Let’s just say an executive from a major American company told me that company hires more engineers from Mexico than the United States, and showed me the numbers to prove it—chingao! The following letter is one I’m allowed to share in its entirety: I can’t address some of the…
26 Aug 2015
Dear Mexican: I recently received the biography of Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood. While reading about his friendship with Jimi Hendrix, I came to a part in which Ronnie describes Jimi as part black, Cherokee and Mexican. I’ve always read about Jimi’s grandmother being Cherokee, but this was the first I read about him being Mexican. I Googled Hendrix’s name with the word “Mexican” and received many hits. Is this another mentira originated by Mexicans, like Anthony Quinn’s supposedly real last name being Quintana?? El Habrano Dear Wab: Man, the locuras some people believe and repeat, ¿qué no? I’ve seen mentions of Hendrix’s supposed Mexican heritage everywhere from the aforementioned Ronnie: The Autobiography to mainstream American newspapers to even the bloody BBC. But don’t believe what you find on the Internet—it’s only good for reading my column. I have no idea why or when people began believing Hendrix was part-wab,…
19 Aug 2015
I live in the Bronx, in a heavily immigrant area. We have many West African, Dominican, Mexican, Central American, Guyanese and Bengali newcomers. I’ve noticed that Mexican men seem to spend lots of time with their wives and kids. Every weekend in the park, you see Mexican man after Mexican man playing soccer with his kids or doing some other activity with his family. I know that most of these men work six days a week, and am amazed that in their free time, they don’t just want to be left alone. It’s not that you don’t see men of other nationalities playing with their kids, but more often, you see the African and Dominican men hanging out with other men, and the wives are with the kids. This is, of course, a vast generalization, but I’ve noticed it a lot. I also often see Mexican men helping their wives…
12 Aug 2015
Here are a few questions I have for the Mexican: Why are wages so low in Mexico? Why is Mexico such a violent country? Why is Mexico so corrupt? Why have the drug cartels taken over large swaths of Mexico? Why can’t one drink the water in most towns in Mexico? Why are there so few public libraries in Mexico? Why are Mexicans so fat? Mexico is listed as the country with the highest rate of obesity on Earth. Why is public education in Mexico so miserable and pathetic? In my many years of working there, I have yet to come across a worker who could multiply, divide or read a map. Why don’t more Mexicans up here go into physical science and engineering? If you are a Mexican, why are you here? Is it possibly due to 1 through 8 above? Dickhead in Denver Dear Gabacho: Answers 1-4 are…
05 Aug 2015
Dear Mexican: Some time back, you discussed the Chivas soccer team. This reminded me of my time in San Francisco’s Mission District, when the traficantes would whisper, “Chiva … chiva,” (pronounced “chee-ba”), as I walked down 16th Street. At least that’s what it sounded like. When I asked someone what it meant, they said, “stuff,” which seemed plausible enough. Now it’s baby goats? I know slang etymology is often hard to pin down, but why is heroin referred to as chiva, if that’s the right word? My Only Animal is a Chihuahua Dear Gabacho: Don’t ask me; ask my pal Sam Quinones, the greatest-ever reporter on Mexican immigration to the U.S. and its effects on both countries, and author of the magnificent new book, Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic. His response: “Oooh estimado, that’s no goat they’re offering for sale. That’s black-tar heroin. Chivas are indeed a…
29 Jul 2015
Dear Mexican: I wasn’t born in this country, but I got here as quickly as I could at the age of 10. I was born in Mexico and live in Houston, a city that is bursting at the seams with Mexicans and Latinos from every country south of the border. I think I have the solution to this immigration debate. The light bulb went on recently when I was attending a breakfast put on by big-time real estate developers at a five-star hotel. They were pitching new communities being built in resort cities starting at a mere half-million dollars. So why not just annex Mexico? We’d make it easier for rich gabachos to go south with their money and create lots of jobs. El Coco Dear Coconut: Isn’t that what NAFTA did? All my Mexican friends are second- or third-generation Americans, and relate to Mexico in a generic way, but…