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Last updateFri, 16 Sep 2016 12pm

Ask a Mexican

06 Feb 2013
Dear Mexican: The pinche Republicans are making a gigante ruido about their “Hispanic” senators in Congress. Wachale! Lets call a pendejo a pendejo. Please discuss with tu audienca what Mexicans really think about Cubans in these Estados Unidos. El Güero Tejano (no Cubano) As a recent transplant from Miami to Albuquerque, I was wondering what the Mexican's take is on the privileged status of our preferred border-crossers—the Cubans. If a Cuban manages to get his little toe on dry land in the U.S., he is immediately given a new Toyota, an American Express card and the keys to the city of Hialeah. Aturdido Floridian Are Cubans Mexicans with connections? Quiero Ron Dear Readers: Beyond Puerto Ricans and negritos, no other ethnic group gets so pegged as the eternal enemy of Mexicans as Cubans. If you believe coños like Rush Limbaugh, Mexicans despise Cubans because it’s “a race thing. (Cubans are)…
30 Jan 2013
Dear Mexican: Grammar question/rant: If Spanglish is a legitimate dialect/language, why do you feel the need to italicize every instance of code-switching? I seriously doubt that when you speak, you emphasize every puta palabra (emphasis intended here), but that's what your articles read like. We all know that you are speaking Spanglish—not a foreign language—so tell the gabacho (no emphasis intended here) editors to back off and let you use italics for what they are intended for: emphasis. Strunk and Brown Dear Wab: Gracias for thinking that Spanglish is a legitimate form of communication—you just made the custodians of Cervantes and shepherds of Shakespeare get angrier than Joe Arpayaso surrounded by a group of Mexicans! But we’re talking two separate cosas here. My linguistic goal with this columna isn’t for America to accept Spanglish, but for American English and its speakers to pick up more Spanish words so that one…
23 Jan 2013
Dear Mexican: In 1983 or 1984, I was walking home from work down Haight Street in San Francisco one evening and stopped at Watusi Records to look through the dollar cutout bin. I flipped through it for a bit and then stopped dead when I saw the Jonny Chingas Pachuco LP. I looked closer, saw what was written in small print on the license plate of the car on the cover (“se me paro”), and went, “Holy shit! I've gotta have this!” The record (especially the title cut and “Corrido del Bato Loco”) was funnier than shit (and musically not too bad). A dozen years later, just after the Internet came in, I ran a search on AltaVista and got a single result, for a little indie record company in East L.A. I wrote to ask them if they had any more Jonny Chingas recordings and received a single-sentence reply:…
16 Jan 2013
Dear Mexican: Can you please tell me something? How do you think it’s fair that all the people who come to our country and stay get treated far better than some of the people who have busted their butt all their lives here? Tell me, how is that fair?! You people take all the white man’s jobs and leave us wondering how to support our families, and you people have NEVER heard of the condom, because if you have noticed—I sure have—your trashy kind are taking over. And you would think that if you go to another country, you would respect the people enough to learn the language spoken, which here in the United States of America is ENGLISH! Please go back where you should be, and stop taking all the benefits white people deserve. You all disgust me. South Carolina Taco Eater Dear Gabacha: This is what I love…
09 Jan 2013
Dear Mexican: What is it about Mexicans and collecting old cars? I have three Mexican neighbors with middle-class incomes, but in each case, when the old car or truck wouldn't run anymore, they would buy a nearly new replacement—and then let the old clunker sit in the driveway up close to the house or garage ... for MONTHS! Hood up, radiator out on the ground, flat tires ... etc. Flying With My Ford Dear Gabacho: When my brother became of age, I lectured him on the facts of life. No, not sex, as that's for him to discover with cousins his age watching Tube8 on a laptop (as opposed to my generation of cousins, who'd watch pornos on scratchy VHS tapes while all of our parents were gossiping during carne asada Sunday), but on what would make him a man: when he could afford a classic car. Just like our…
02 Jan 2013
Dear Readers: My muchos apologies for this Best Of edition—I’m still at the rancho getting faded on the Herradura and stuffed with tamales, pozole, birria and empanadas. But this is an oldie-but-goodie even Art Laboe would appreciate: a 2007 piece ripping apart former CNN personality Lou Dobbs, who I hear does magic shows at Tea Party events now to pay the bills. What’s amazing about this is that Know Nothings still cite the discredited stats mentioned here as proof of Reconquista. Need proof, pendejos? Just look at the sales figures of salsa! Enjoy! Dear Mexican: Is Lou Dobbs right when he says that close to 80 hospitals in California have been closed because of the illegals, or is he lying? Cabrónes No Necesitamos Dear CNN: Dobbs is right to a certain point, and only in spite of his idiocy. The father of two half-wabs spouted off his closed-hospitals claim at…
26 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Longtime reader, first-time writer. I need some advice. My wife (who’s a half-Mexican Los Angeles native, just so you don’t think we’re a couple of white hipster dickheads) and myself (who’s white, but an immigrant, so I hope that lowers my dickhead factor a little) have had it up to our orejas with our Hispanic neighbor’s music. He plays it so loud that being in our living room is like being in a bass bin filled with tubas. I have asked him directly (at 11 p.m. on a Sunday) to turn it down, which he did, but now every time he sees us come home, he either starts it up, or cranks it up if it’s already playing. The thing is, he’s not having a fiesta. Ever. He’s a sad little man sitting all alone in his garage, getting drunk and scrolling through his iTunes. I don’t want…
21 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Many of my friends think I'm loco for playing with my dad the way I do. See, mi padre is now retired and living in Mexico, and is very worried that I am now 30 and not married yet, so he wants me to go back to where he lives to try and take an india from there back here to los EEUU, if only to at least look after me. I retaliate by kindly "reminding" him as much as possible that we are leprecanos (yes, I read your previous articles), to which he gets very angry. Everyone says that he's going to beat me up one day, but it never happens. Last year, I gave him for Navidad a bowler hat, an Irish soccer shirt and matching knee high socks. Let me tell you, he was so red for a second I thought he was going to…
13 Dec 2012
Dear Readers: Behold your favorite Mexican's annual Christmas gift guide, where I give shout-outs to some of my favorite books that deserve your money this holiday season! And for once, I won't recommend my books—¡Ask a Mexican!, Orange County: A Personal History, and Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America—as gifts ... oh wait, I just did! In all honesty, while I always appreciate ustedes buying my libros and handing them out as regalos, the following items are just as chingones, if not more so. Juan in a Hundred: The Representation of Latinos on Network News: This book won't be published until early January, but preorder this masterful analysis of the paucity of Mexis on la tele, and the laughable representations that do make it through. Author Otto Santa Ana is a UCLA profe who boils down reams of data into a clear, well-written analysis that will have you rooting…
07 Dec 2012
Dear Mexican: Why is it that many Mexican women hate on me for having an Asian (Korean, to be exact) novia? I notice this in a lot of places. We go to the store, and I get looks. We go to the movies, and people look or say things like, "Mira la chinita." I get looks from Asian people as well, but many Mexican women look at me with the evil eye. When I asked my co-worker who is Latina, she basically said it makes her and other Latinas feel unwanted. I really do not see color lines. What does it matter? I don't judge others, so why do they judge me? My novia is a good person, and we are doing great. Her family and my family have accepted us with open arms—but, sometimes, we have to avoid certain places. The funny thing is she speaks Spanish fluently, and…