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Dear Mexican: My fiancé is trying to learn Spanish so he can speak to my grandmother when we get married next month. Lately, he’s been listening to CNN en Español to get an ear for the language.

A couple of days ago, he told me that, after several weeks of seeing the channel, he noticed there are ALWAYS chickens clucking in the background of the commercials. He wants to know: “What’s up with the chickens?” and, “Is worshipping chickens a Mexican thing?”

Madre Hen

Dear Wabette: Does your gabacho not speak English, either? Can’t he ask the Mexican a question on his own?

Not only that, but your gabacho is either a liar, or he mistakenly tuned into the Rural Farm Network for his Spanish lessons. I see CNN en Español and have never once heard chicken clucks during a commercial. In fact, the only time I can recall hearing chickens in the background of any program is when gabacho talk-show hosts rant about Mexicans. That sound clip cliché isn’t used exclusively for Mexicans, though: Entertainers have associated chickens with the poor since the days of vaudeville, and even famed reporter Borat Sagdiyev unleashed a chicken on unsuspecting New Yorkers in his recent documentary to hilarious results.

As for the chicken-worship question, your gabacho is wrong again: The Mexican reverence toward gallus domesticus is reserved for the gallo giro, the fighting cock. Rural Mexicans treat their hens as they treat their women: as purveyors of breasts, eggs and little else.

Dear Mexican: Not long ago, I attended a Los Tigres del Norte concert at a small hall with no dance floor. The people attending were supposed to sit down and enjoy the music. Five minutes into the show, these jumping beans started dancing in the aisle. Within minutes, half of the attendees were going up and down the aisles, dancing to the music. It’s not the first time I’ve seen Mexicans create improvised dance floors.

Why do Mexicans love dancing so much?

Lambada Louie

Dear Gabacho: Anyone who needs to ask why people dance to Los Tigres del Norte—the norteño supergroup that combines traditional polka beats with socially conscious lyrics to create something that’s part Clash, part Lawrence Welk and puro mexicano—has no soul, or is a gabacho. How can you not sway to their metronomic bass, their lush accordion trills, their canned sound effects, and member Hernán Hernández’s mexcelente Mexi-mullet?

Mexican music is among the most danceable outside Brazil, because its practitioners understand that nalga-shaking stirs humanity into the realm of ecstasy. Almost all the genres that constitute Mexican popular music—the aforementioned norteño, the brass-band strut of banda sinaloense, son jarocho’s twinkling harps and guitars, and even the dark riffs of Mexican heavy metal—put the focus on rhythms rather than lyrics. (The exception is ranchera, the domain of drunkards and macho pussy men.)

But dancing for Mexicans is more than a mere physical act. Every hallmark moment in Mexican society centers on dances—weddings, baptisms, informal gatherings, birthdays and anniversaries. More noteworthy are the dances held by hometown-benefit associations that raise billions of dollars for the rebuilding of villages in Mexico.

Tellingly, Mexican society does not consider girls and boys to be women or men until they begin to dance. Once they’re eligible to dance, Mexicans are eligible to take care of their community, too. Mexicans know that dancing solidifies trust, creates community, and repairs the injured civic and personal soul. Besides, it’s a great way for Mexican adolescents to grope each other in a parent-approved environment.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I’m reading the redneck rhetoric in one of your recent columns, and I feel retarded to continually be surprised by the hate posing as nationalism that so easily flows from mouths of these degenerates. At least we don’t have to worry about that “nice” stereotype like the Canadians.

Isn’t it possible that no one wants to make taxpayers out of all the illegals, because this would entitle them to minimum wage? I agree that if you’re going to enjoy the benefits of this country, you should maintain your culture, but also become a legal American citizen—but can we afford to actually pay full price for the labor foundation that we currently enjoy at such a discount?

Dr. W

Dear Gabacho: Interesting punto! Gabachos don’t want undocumented Mexicans to become American citizens, because they’re Mexicans, and they really feel that once we become the majority, we’ll rip out their hearts, wrap them in bacon and serve them as a breakfast burrito. And they also want us to remain perpetual peons, even if making us legal brings more money to the American economy.

A 2013 paper by the Center for American Progress found that if undocumented immigrants were granted legal status and the possibility of citizenship that year, the United States’ gross domestic product “would grow by an additional $1.4 trillion cumulatively over the 10 years between 2013 and 2022.” Not only that, but analysts Robert Lynch and Patrick Oakford forecast the creation of 203,000 jobs per year in that time frame with amnesty. On the other hand, if said undocumenteds only got legal status in 2013, but weren’t eligible for citizenship for a decade, the GDP would grow by a relatively modest $832 billion.

That’s more of an economic stimulus package than Trump could ever possibly conjure up—but since gabachos hate truth nowadays, the prospect of amnesty long ago went the way of the Paris climate accords.

Dear Mexican: I’ve been to a number of Mexican-sponsored events that include the typical banda, those bands with 40 members and every instrument known to man. My question is: Why do those grupos bring such enormous speakers? For a party taking place in a backyard or a room that fits no more than 50, they’ll bring speakers large enough for a stadium.

And since we’re on the subject of bandas, why do they have so many friggin’ people in them anyway?

Split Eardrums, but Happy

Dear Gabacho: The more speakers any Mexican band use, the angrier gabachos will get. This isn’t rocket science, pendejo.

Dear Mexican: Why is it that if you call anybody from Latin America who’s not from Mexico a Mexican, they get mad? But everybody from Latin America calls any white person a gringo, no matter if they are Canadian, English, German, French, etc.

It seems to me that Latin Americans want to be called by their country of origin, but don’t give a crap about a white person’s country of origin. Would this be racism or prejudice?

Gringo Greg

Dear Gabacho: Because a “gringo” is technically a white foreigner regardless of country. Besides, spare me: You gabachos call us “illegals” even if our families have lived in Aztlán since your ancestors were dying of the Black Death.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I find Mexican women to be very prejudiced. Is it their lack of education, or the fact that they don’t assimilate well? Is anyone schooling them on appropriate behavior, and are they being told that racial prejudice has reached a point where it’s barely tolerated in the U.S.A?

I’m offended by their racist stares—I call them “racist stares,” because it reminds me of the 1950s, when the white folks were doing it. Also, how many people live in one house, with a multitude of trucks, leaving all the trash out from the businesses they run out of their houses? Do we pay for this in our monthly utility bills, because the trash-debris fee is higher than the water fee?

I now live across from such a female who gives out racist stares every chance she gets. She looks like a giant Godzilla—a shemale, with her tiny husband she probably picked up at the border and beats to keep him in line. (No joke: It looks that way.) And she has 10 kids—five by the one who left her, and five by her border husband. When she is “dressed” up in her jeans and body shirt, she looks like a fat sausage.

I called another a racist because her kids were in the backyard calling out the “n” word—and no, they weren’t talking to each other. Guess what she did: She invited over the one black person she has ever had over to her house to show she is not a racist. Typical.

I’m just curious, because you go in the Mexican stores, and everything is in Spanish, yet American stores label everything in dual languages. Americans have been most accommodating to all immigrants—not just Mexicans. You can’t go anywhere outside of the U.S.A and live unless you are able to support yourself and not take jobs from the native population.

Toby Keith Is Mine

Dear Gabacha: There is not one thing you mentioned that makes me think your Mexican female neighbor is racist. You, on the other hand … from the “giant Godzilla” to the “border husband” to describing her as a “fat sausage” and speculating about her kids, you sound like a bitter gabacha whose man left her for a Mexican woman long ago.

Get over it, honey. Besides, Mexican women are only racist to Mexican women—you can look it up!

Dear Mexican: What’s the deal with hanging 15 feet of toilet paper in “el baño” to cover the gaps in the stall walls?

I only see this coming from Mexican men, because I only frequent men’s restrooms, and only in the restrooms predominantly frequented by my Mexican co-workers. But frankly, what kind of man—other than the occasional Idaho Republican—wants to peek through the gap or catch a fleeting glimpse of another man taking a dump? Is this kind of male-on-male bathroom voyeurism a problem in Mexico, or are Mexican men simply more self-conscious than gabachos?

Degenerate John

Dear Gabacho: Assimilation at work. In Mexico, we freely shit out in the barn—the better to mix with other manure. In the U.S., we become as prudish as Jeff Sessions.

Then again, staring through gaps is a habit for Mexican men—how else do you think we’re able to get over walls and fences so easily?

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: Not too long ago, you answered a question about the anti-Mexican slur “greaser,” and then I read the info you provided for “illegal” and the N-word.

I was wondering if you could break down for us “beaner,” “wetback” and “spic,” too. What are their definitions historically? Who “invented” them, and what are their connections to certain regions?

Etymologically Curious

Dear Gabacho: White supremacy invented these Americanisms, silly!

“Wetback” came from the days when Americans thought Mexicans only came to el Norte by swimming across the Rio Grande—and the earliest known reference is in a 1920 New York Times article.

“Spic” isn’t really about Mexicans, per se; the Oxford English Dictionary attributes it to Americans and Brits ridiculing how Panamanians working in the construction of the Canal pronounced “speak.”

As for “beaner”: The earliest known printed reference is in a July 9, 1965, column in the Detroit Free Press, in which an Orange County surfer told a reporter that “not much good can be said about ‘beaners’ (Mexicans).” But the slur is descended from previous terms like “bean bandit” and “bean-eater,” which go back to the days of the cowboys. The common thread, of course, is the Mexican love for frijoles, and the American anger that they can’t properly digest refrieds without ripping a bunch of pedos.

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans leave their cars in the middle of the street with their hazard lights on while they pick up their friends/kids/drugs? My friends and I deemed this “Mexican Hazard Light Syndrome”—MHLS, for short.

Those blinking lights are supposed to be used when a car is broken down and a person is in distress, not when someone is too lazy to park and walk. It’s annoying enough when they do it on a two-way street and turn the road into an obstacle course—but when they do it on a one-way street, it’s unforgivably inconsiderate and stupid.

My (Mexican) friend hit one of these cars once and decided it was the MHLS-sufferer’s fault, so he just left the scene without even leaving a “sorry, you idiot” note. I don’t endorse this kind of hit-and-run behavior, but I’m telling that little anecdote so that the dumbasses who leave their cars in the middle of the street aren’t too shocked when they find their ’83 Buick Skylarks in pieces.

Cross At Lazy Mexicans

Dear CALM: Patience is no Mexican virtue. We smuggle ourselves into this country again and again—you think we’re going to wait until a spot on the street opens up? Nah, we’d rather annoy pendejos like you and your pal—and it worked!

Dear Mexican: I was born and raised in Los Angeles. My parents were born in El Salvador, which makes me a Salvadoran American—NOT a pinche mexicanos. Don’t get me wrong: I like you guys, and my heina is Mexican. My problem is with the whiter breed. Maybe it’s that they’re lazy, but they tend to classify all us brown folk as Mexican, when, in fact, we’ve got a nice, assorted pack on display. Salvadorans have our own food (pupusas, not tacos), our own language (decimos “vos,” not “tu”), and we’re obviously shorter. Please tell all the gabachos to think before they classify.

Guanaco Guillermo

Dear Pocho: No argument from me here, other than Salvadoran horchata is superior to Mexican and MS 13 (censored by the Mexican’s publishers lest his head become a soccer ball).

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: The St. Louis area is less than 3 percent Latino, and less than 4 percent of St. Louisans are immigrants. This is very, very, low, and it actually makes St. Louis look pretty bad.

Why does everyone here feel like they have a say in the illegal-immigration discussion?

Gaga for Gibson

Dear Gabacho: It gets worse than what you wrote.

Out of the 25 biggest metropolitan areas in the United States, St. Louis is the only one with a Latino population less than 5 percent—and the latest info from the American Community Survey clocks in the Gateway City at a whopping 2.9 percent. I could fit more Mexicans in the cab of my ’79 Ford Ranger than there are in St. Louis.

The easy answer is to presume that the city is muy racist, but it’s also home to the largest Bosnian Serb population in the world outside of the Balkans—and most are Muslims. But it’s easier than that: St. Louis is just a bit more than four hours away from Chicago, the ciudad with the second-largest Mexican community in the United States, a community with roots that go back nearly 125 years. Nothing against the Lou, but why would Mexicans stay in the Jalostotitlán of the Midwest when they can move to the Jerez?

Dear Mexican: Why is it that people in this country seem to think that randomly sprinkling accent marks over something makes it Spanish, rather than realizing that an accent mark marks an accent? Right after reading your column, my eyes fell on an ad for a restaurant serving “authentic Mexican food” including “mole.” ¿Qué cosa? Sounds like a cross between comida poblana and a bull fight!

Diacritical Diana

Dear Gabacho: You know what’s the weirdest thing about this phenomenon? How gabachos will put a tilde over “habanero” to incorrectly turn it into “habañero,” yet always neglect the tilde in “jalapeño” and turn it into “jalapeno.” And then they pronounce their mistakes: “Habañero” in an American accento to the Mexican ear sounds like someone who likes restrooms, while “jalapeno” sounds like someone who likes to pull pitos.

But it’s not a surprise that gabachos do such butchering—according to English, only French is worthy of proper diacritics, while the rest of the world’s language can go jala pene.

Dear Mexican: I’m from Bent, New Mexico (no kidding, and no pun intended), and my dilemma lies in my own idea for a performance piece: To simultaneously transcend all cultural AND sexual borders, I will be in blackface, lip-synching (flawlessly) a rather vocally challenging Sarah Vaughan song, draped in my evening gown consisting of nothing more than the Mexican flag itself. (And plastic, gold high-heels, of course.) As political correctness goes, I understand that it’s OK for a black person to perform in blackface, but is it OK for this brown “mexicana hombre” to go so far? And garbed in the Mexican flag? Will I be offending or enlightening?

Pina (insert “tilde”) Culera

Dear Pochx: Do it in the American flag, and Hollywood will give you a deal—just ask Carlos Mencia.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I’m an American woman who has been living in Mexico for more than a year and a half. I found an excellent job teaching English at a university, and as luck or karma would have it, I met an amazing Mexican man who treats me with respect and kindness, with a kind of support I have never known from anyone. He is a doctor here at the university. We are the same age, and though he is a chemist, and I have spent the last decade of my life trying to be an artist, we get along sweetly. I do love him a lot. I should mention we also live together, and in general, it runs smoothly.

Things are good. But there is still that … I don’t know, American ambition—that voice in my head that says to me constantly that you have to keep going, keep achieving, you aren’t making enough, doing enough, being enough.

So here’s my situation: I want my boyfriend to come with me should I be accepted into the doctoral programs I’m applying for in the United States. But he has such a good thing going for him here in Mexico. He’s a professor at a university; he is doing research and publishing. I feel like a jerk asking him to leave. I fear if he leaves Mexico, he would come to the U.S. and need to work some menial job at a restaurant, when he is really a scientist. He was also born and raised in Mexico, and aside from study in Spain, he hasn’t really experienced a separation from his culture, food and home.

But then I think of my life. I can’t just sit here in Mexico and be in his shadow. I do not want to be the woman of the household while my man is out having a marvelous professional career. I have to think about my career as well, but I also want a family and the support and warmth that he provides for me.

How do I do this? How do I have a career and the man I love at the same time? How do I ask someone to sacrifice so much for me? Should I ask someone to sacrifice so much for me?

Sad in Satélite

Dear Gabacha: There’s ambition, and then there’s selfishness, and you, ingrata, are the definition of the latter. You already have a job and a man, yet you want to upgrade the former while forcing your querido to become a peon in el Norte, just because you don’t want to be “the woman of the household.” Isn’t that the position you currently hold in Mexico—a position you, yourself, say is wonderful?

You do realize you’d be in a subservient position up here anyway, since the only income the two of you would make during your college years is whatever he could cobble together while your apapachada ass buries the two of you in student debt, right? Just leave him: You deserve him less than Donald Trump deserves a Mazapan de la Rosa.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: What do you think of affirmative action in the education system? I know the politicians and educators deny this, but we all know it’s happening: All the yellow and white kids have to work their asses off to gain admittance to a competitive school like UCLA or UC Berkeley, yet with Mexicans, all you’ve got to do is beat or match the average whitey or chino, and you’re there!

School officials argue this is to help the minorities reach the top. Well, hello, you wabs are hardly minorities in the U.S. According to recent forecasts, you guys will BE the majority in a couple of years! And considering the rate at which you guys have sex without birth control, we could be looking at next year!

La China de Garbage Grove

Dear Chinita: The Mexican has always opposed race-based affirmative action, because studies have long shown gabachas benefit from such programs the most—not racial and ethnic minorities. I favor a class-conscious approach: The son of a third-generation Kentucky coal miner deserves financial aid and opportunities more than some fresa whose family owns agave fields in Los Altos de Jalisco, you know?

That said, your complaint is just as racist as you say affirmative action is. It’s based on a false premise that Mexicans who benefit from affirmative action somehow don’t work as hard as Asian Americans who aren’t eligible. And you know this how? You don’t. The straw man used by affirmative action opponents—that stupid Mexican and black students are taking college slots away from deserving Asian Americans—is Trumpism at its finest: Take a “model” minority, and use them to bash others.

I don’t run a university, but my understanding of why administrators want diversity is that they want coeds to learn alongside a representation of all of America, not just elites and eggheads. So let the undocumented Chicano who went to a shitty public school—and has two parents with grade-school educations in Mexico who work three jobs to barely make rent in a one-bedroom they share with two other families—teach your overachieving ass a bit about life; you might be surprised what you learn, if your arrogance allows it.

By the way, it’s nice of you to assimilate so much into America that you’re using the same Yellow Peril bullshit rhetoric gabachos used against the Chinese back in the day—progress!

Dear Mexican: I’m a gabacho who, by virtue of my Mexican stepfather, has a Mexican last name. Ironically enough, while my fellow gabachos never bother me about this, I get grief from Mexicans all the time. It usually happens in service situations where I’m paying with a credit card that reveals my family name. In these cases, Mexican waiters and cashiers will frequently subject me to such indignities as having me produce multiple forms of ID, interrogating me as to my genealogy, or glaring cruelly at my blond-haired, blue-eyed daughter and pointing out the obvious: “She doesn’t look like a Mexican!”

The way I see it, I’m a perfect example of 21st-century ethnic diversity, but the Mexicans treat me and my beautiful familia like turds floating in their gene pool. ¿Por que? In college, my left-leaning professors had us all convinced that only gabachos were capable of racism and prejudice. I’m starting to think they might have been wrong.

Burrito With Imitation Bean Filling

Dear Gabacho: Of course Mexicans can be racist—look how we treat Guatemalans—so why are you surprised? Because a leftist professor told you otherwise? Leftist professors also write eloquently and incisively, but you sure didn’t pick up on THAT …

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: In Jared Diamond’s DVD for Guns, Germs and Steel, he mentions the classical Spanish form of horsemanship, jimeta. I have not been able to find this word used anywhere else. Can you help?

Bronco Babobos

Dear Gabacho: While Diamond’s book of the same name is a classic, he got his word wrong—it’s jineta, per the Real Academia Española. The word is descended from jinete (horseman, and “El Jinete” is a GREAT José Alfredo Jiménez song), which is derived from the Zenata, the Berber confederation that served as cavalry of the Moors which was respected by the Spanish for their talent—conquistador game respects conquistador game, you know?

¡ASK A MEXICAN! INFLUENCES POLITICS!

Last week, a scandal broke out in the Los Angeles City Council District 1 race between incumbent Gil Cedillo and challenger Joseph Bray-Ali.

After the Bray-Ali campaign attacked Cedillo for not denouncing some pendejo spewing racist remarks during a debate, One Bill Gil’s people told the Los Angeles Times about a years-old video of Bray-Ali asking your humble Mexican a YouTube question about why Mexicans like to use their car horns as doorbells. (Short answer: Because we’re LOUD, and also because most barrios rarely have any open parking spaces.)

Bray-Ali subsequently apologized for the 9-year-old question, even as he declared himself a “fanboy” of this column.

Wow, where to begin … how about fuck everyone involved? Fuck the Times for not doing their research and realizing that Bray-Ali’s question was directed at me—that dramatically changes the dynamics of the story. Fuck Cedillo’s team for responding to a racial taunt by one of his supporters by sending reporters the question in an effort to turn the tables on Bray-Ali. (Cedillo, for his part, denounced the nastiness, although one of his fans is now leaving anti-Indian comments on my clip.) Fuck Cedillo’s supporters for not allowing Bray-Ali to ask a legitimate question about Mexicans to a column set up for that. Fuck any Cedillo supporters who think the very act of engaging with ¡Ask a Mexican! is racist—Gil sure didn’t think so when he was a member of the Latino Legislative Caucus in 2008 when they awarded me with a Latino Spirit Award for what they said was my “exceptional vision, creativity and work ethic.”

Fuck Bray-Ali’s supporters for trying to drag former state Sen. Martha Escutia into the “Go back to India!” debacle. Fuck Bray-Ali’s brother for sending me a Facebook message that got sent to that “filtered folder” bullshit—my email’s pretty easy to find, bruh. Fuck Bray-Ali for apologizing and taking back his question—that implies what you did was wrong, which it wasn’t. With fans like you, who needs enemies?

Man, where’s a tamborazo version of “Hit ’Em Up” when I need it?

To everyone involved: Don’t use my column for your pathetic needs. Take a deep breath, and concentrate on issues that matter in District 1, like housing affordability and the fact that gentrified Highland Park is overrated.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: You are a racist, my friend. How can you bring up Japanese and Chinese mistreatment, and not Irish or Jewish mistreatment? It’s because it doesn’t fit into your narrative of whitey being the vilest creature on Earth.

Worrying about language, culture and assimilation doesn’t make you a racist (even though Mexican isn’t a race, but I digress). People want to protect the melting pot of American culture. People want people to come here legally and assimilate—not forget or ignore their ancestors’ culture, but to embrace American culture.

Your race-baiting demagoguery is intellectually dishonest and a threat to the American way of life for all colors and ethnicities.

Jeff Sessions Is My Boo

Dear Gabacho: Ah, the wonders of the Internet. You no doubt found my columna from some random Google search or Google News or Stormfront or some other fake news outlet; read a couple of back issues; then surmised I hate gabachos for being white. No seas pendejo.

Again and again, I’ve brought up gabacho racism against European immigrants—whether it’s Benjamin Franklin railing against Germans, the British deeming Jews trying to enter Israel when it was still Mandatory Palestine as “illegals,” or the entirety of the Dillingham Commission report. I do love gabacho racism against “white” immigrants, because it’s proof that when idiots like you say they only want “legal” immigrants and don’t mind people holding on to the traditions of the motherland, it’s as much of a a false flag as saying Rick Bayless is a great Mexican chef.

Hate white people? The Mexican LOVES white people! Without them, tequila would’ve never become a worldwide product, and the Mexican soccer team wouldn’t have any other team to get humiliated by. It’s gabachos who ruin the United States—and if you can’t tell the difference between whites and gabachos, then you don’t know your Chris Rock.

Dear Mexican: I’ve noticed you haven’t addressed too many issues dealing with Mexican gangs in your column. Tell me what’s up with the Norteños and Sureños, and why they hate each other so much.

Aren’t all you Mexicans after the Reconquista in the first place? How did this split happen, and how does a guy like me stay out of the way in la Mission in Frisco?

Mulatto Man (Who Happens to Look Mexican)

Dear Negrito: Imagine all the power Mexicans would have if we were one unified force. Trump wouldn’t be president, for one. And we wouldn’t have all these ridiculous gang beefs that leave too many of our young dead, hooked on drugs or condemned to la vida loca.

I’m not going to get into the history of the Norteños and Sureños, because I’m sure you can find some documentary about their history on a NatGeo special, and I don’t want one side to think I favor the other side. Besides, the only gang I claim is the Gashouse Gang—look ’em up, eses.

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Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: OK … sour cream! Growing up in a Mexican family, my mom never used sour cream on the food she cooked. Now, when she comes to visit me, I take her to Mexican restaurants here in the Dallas area. Almost every time she orders an entrée, she always asks me why they offer sour cream as a side item.

Is it me, or is it a gabacho thing with the “need to have sour cream thing on my Tex-Mex food”? Am I too old-fashioned, too old-school?

I’ll Love Tony Romo Forever

Dear Pocha: Your mom might not use sour cream, but si es old-school, I guarantee you that she uses crema fresca, or crema salada, or even jocoque if she’s from Jalisco.

Those are the Mexican versions of sour cream—in other words, a dairy product that enlivens dishes with a tart milkiness. When Mexicans came to the United States in the early 1900s and started making Mexican food, the substitute for crema was sour cream, because there was no crema in los Estados Unidos at the time due to a lack of concentration of Mexicans. It’s the same reason why Tex-Mex food uses cheddar cheese and that pointless cabbage salad on the side of a combo plate—you make due with what you tienes.

I don’t have a problem with it, but real Mexicans like you do, because ustedes can’t comprehend that mestizaje is a two-way calle that makes our culture thrive. Man, y’all must also be mad at Mexicans in the U.S. for learning English instead of staying monolingual in Spanish—good luck with that!

Dear Mexican: I’m a gay gabacho who has been in a relationship with a Mexican for seven years. His family knows about us, and they love me. They treat me almost like a celeb whenever they come to Dallas and visit, or when we go to Mexico. At first, they didn’t like me for the simple reason that they didn’t trust white people. Once they got to know me, that was all over with. His mother is the family matriarch and treats me as if I am one of her own children.

However, whenever we get around his family or his friends in Mexico, my boyfriend acts like I am not even there. I actually spend more time with everyone else. (Between my broken Spanish and their broken English, we communicate rather well.) Is his distance from me caused by the fact that I am white, or that we are in a gay relationship? I ask only because his friends and family don’t have a problem with it, so this stumps me.

Gaybacho

Dear Gaybacho: I can’t answer this question fully as a cishet cabrón, but I can offer this: Mexican families don’t take kindly to their kids being grabby-grabby with their significant others in front of them, because no child of any Mexican parents has ever had sex.

Your papi chulo obviously likes you—otherwise, you’d never have met the family in the first place—but he might be taking the commandment I just shared with you a bit too seriously. Check in with him, and see what’s up. And if it doesn’t work out? Get one of his male relatives. As I’ve said before in this column, what’s the difference between a straight hombre and a gay one? Three beers.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

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