CVIndependent

Mon05292017

Last updateFri, 16 Sep 2016 12pm

Dear Mexican: Not too long ago, you answered a question about the anti-Mexican slur “greaser,” and then I read the info you provided for “illegal” and the N-word.

I was wondering if you could break down for us “beaner,” “wetback” and “spic,” too. What are their definitions historically? Who “invented” them, and what are their connections to certain regions?

Etymologically Curious

Dear Gabacho: White supremacy invented these Americanisms, silly!

“Wetback” came from the days when Americans thought Mexicans only came to el Norte by swimming across the Rio Grande—and the earliest known reference is in a 1920 New York Times article.

“Spic” isn’t really about Mexicans, per se; the Oxford English Dictionary attributes it to Americans and Brits ridiculing how Panamanians working in the construction of the Canal pronounced “speak.”

As for “beaner”: The earliest known printed reference is in a July 9, 1965, column in the Detroit Free Press, in which an Orange County surfer told a reporter that “not much good can be said about ‘beaners’ (Mexicans).” But the slur is descended from previous terms like “bean bandit” and “bean-eater,” which go back to the days of the cowboys. The common thread, of course, is the Mexican love for frijoles, and the American anger that they can’t properly digest refrieds without ripping a bunch of pedos.

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans leave their cars in the middle of the street with their hazard lights on while they pick up their friends/kids/drugs? My friends and I deemed this “Mexican Hazard Light Syndrome”—MHLS, for short.

Those blinking lights are supposed to be used when a car is broken down and a person is in distress, not when someone is too lazy to park and walk. It’s annoying enough when they do it on a two-way street and turn the road into an obstacle course—but when they do it on a one-way street, it’s unforgivably inconsiderate and stupid.

My (Mexican) friend hit one of these cars once and decided it was the MHLS-sufferer’s fault, so he just left the scene without even leaving a “sorry, you idiot” note. I don’t endorse this kind of hit-and-run behavior, but I’m telling that little anecdote so that the dumbasses who leave their cars in the middle of the street aren’t too shocked when they find their ’83 Buick Skylarks in pieces.

Cross At Lazy Mexicans

Dear CALM: Patience is no Mexican virtue. We smuggle ourselves into this country again and again—you think we’re going to wait until a spot on the street opens up? Nah, we’d rather annoy pendejos like you and your pal—and it worked!

Dear Mexican: I was born and raised in Los Angeles. My parents were born in El Salvador, which makes me a Salvadoran American—NOT a pinche mexicanos. Don’t get me wrong: I like you guys, and my heina is Mexican. My problem is with the whiter breed. Maybe it’s that they’re lazy, but they tend to classify all us brown folk as Mexican, when, in fact, we’ve got a nice, assorted pack on display. Salvadorans have our own food (pupusas, not tacos), our own language (decimos “vos,” not “tu”), and we’re obviously shorter. Please tell all the gabachos to think before they classify.

Guanaco Guillermo

Dear Pocho: No argument from me here, other than Salvadoran horchata is superior to Mexican and MS 13 (censored by the Mexican’s publishers lest his head become a soccer ball).

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: The St. Louis area is less than 3 percent Latino, and less than 4 percent of St. Louisans are immigrants. This is very, very, low, and it actually makes St. Louis look pretty bad.

Why does everyone here feel like they have a say in the illegal-immigration discussion?

Gaga for Gibson

Dear Gabacho: It gets worse than what you wrote.

Out of the 25 biggest metropolitan areas in the United States, St. Louis is the only one with a Latino population less than 5 percent—and the latest info from the American Community Survey clocks in the Gateway City at a whopping 2.9 percent. I could fit more Mexicans in the cab of my ’79 Ford Ranger than there are in St. Louis.

The easy answer is to presume that the city is muy racist, but it’s also home to the largest Bosnian Serb population in the world outside of the Balkans—and most are Muslims. But it’s easier than that: St. Louis is just a bit more than four hours away from Chicago, the ciudad with the second-largest Mexican community in the United States, a community with roots that go back nearly 125 years. Nothing against the Lou, but why would Mexicans stay in the Jalostotitlán of the Midwest when they can move to the Jerez?

Dear Mexican: Why is it that people in this country seem to think that randomly sprinkling accent marks over something makes it Spanish, rather than realizing that an accent mark marks an accent? Right after reading your column, my eyes fell on an ad for a restaurant serving “authentic Mexican food” including “mole.” ¿Qué cosa? Sounds like a cross between comida poblana and a bull fight!

Diacritical Diana

Dear Gabacho: You know what’s the weirdest thing about this phenomenon? How gabachos will put a tilde over “habanero” to incorrectly turn it into “habañero,” yet always neglect the tilde in “jalapeño” and turn it into “jalapeno.” And then they pronounce their mistakes: “Habañero” in an American accento to the Mexican ear sounds like someone who likes restrooms, while “jalapeno” sounds like someone who likes to pull pitos.

But it’s not a surprise that gabachos do such butchering—according to English, only French is worthy of proper diacritics, while the rest of the world’s language can go jala pene.

Dear Mexican: I’m from Bent, New Mexico (no kidding, and no pun intended), and my dilemma lies in my own idea for a performance piece: To simultaneously transcend all cultural AND sexual borders, I will be in blackface, lip-synching (flawlessly) a rather vocally challenging Sarah Vaughan song, draped in my evening gown consisting of nothing more than the Mexican flag itself. (And plastic, gold high-heels, of course.) As political correctness goes, I understand that it’s OK for a black person to perform in blackface, but is it OK for this brown “mexicana hombre” to go so far? And garbed in the Mexican flag? Will I be offending or enlightening?

Pina (insert “tilde”) Culera

Dear Pochx: Do it in the American flag, and Hollywood will give you a deal—just ask Carlos Mencia.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I’m an American woman who has been living in Mexico for more than a year and a half. I found an excellent job teaching English at a university, and as luck or karma would have it, I met an amazing Mexican man who treats me with respect and kindness, with a kind of support I have never known from anyone. He is a doctor here at the university. We are the same age, and though he is a chemist, and I have spent the last decade of my life trying to be an artist, we get along sweetly. I do love him a lot. I should mention we also live together, and in general, it runs smoothly.

Things are good. But there is still that … I don’t know, American ambition—that voice in my head that says to me constantly that you have to keep going, keep achieving, you aren’t making enough, doing enough, being enough.

So here’s my situation: I want my boyfriend to come with me should I be accepted into the doctoral programs I’m applying for in the United States. But he has such a good thing going for him here in Mexico. He’s a professor at a university; he is doing research and publishing. I feel like a jerk asking him to leave. I fear if he leaves Mexico, he would come to the U.S. and need to work some menial job at a restaurant, when he is really a scientist. He was also born and raised in Mexico, and aside from study in Spain, he hasn’t really experienced a separation from his culture, food and home.

But then I think of my life. I can’t just sit here in Mexico and be in his shadow. I do not want to be the woman of the household while my man is out having a marvelous professional career. I have to think about my career as well, but I also want a family and the support and warmth that he provides for me.

How do I do this? How do I have a career and the man I love at the same time? How do I ask someone to sacrifice so much for me? Should I ask someone to sacrifice so much for me?

Sad in Satélite

Dear Gabacha: There’s ambition, and then there’s selfishness, and you, ingrata, are the definition of the latter. You already have a job and a man, yet you want to upgrade the former while forcing your querido to become a peon in el Norte, just because you don’t want to be “the woman of the household.” Isn’t that the position you currently hold in Mexico—a position you, yourself, say is wonderful?

You do realize you’d be in a subservient position up here anyway, since the only income the two of you would make during your college years is whatever he could cobble together while your apapachada ass buries the two of you in student debt, right? Just leave him: You deserve him less than Donald Trump deserves a Mazapan de la Rosa.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: What do you think of affirmative action in the education system? I know the politicians and educators deny this, but we all know it’s happening: All the yellow and white kids have to work their asses off to gain admittance to a competitive school like UCLA or UC Berkeley, yet with Mexicans, all you’ve got to do is beat or match the average whitey or chino, and you’re there!

School officials argue this is to help the minorities reach the top. Well, hello, you wabs are hardly minorities in the U.S. According to recent forecasts, you guys will BE the majority in a couple of years! And considering the rate at which you guys have sex without birth control, we could be looking at next year!

La China de Garbage Grove

Dear Chinita: The Mexican has always opposed race-based affirmative action, because studies have long shown gabachas benefit from such programs the most—not racial and ethnic minorities. I favor a class-conscious approach: The son of a third-generation Kentucky coal miner deserves financial aid and opportunities more than some fresa whose family owns agave fields in Los Altos de Jalisco, you know?

That said, your complaint is just as racist as you say affirmative action is. It’s based on a false premise that Mexicans who benefit from affirmative action somehow don’t work as hard as Asian Americans who aren’t eligible. And you know this how? You don’t. The straw man used by affirmative action opponents—that stupid Mexican and black students are taking college slots away from deserving Asian Americans—is Trumpism at its finest: Take a “model” minority, and use them to bash others.

I don’t run a university, but my understanding of why administrators want diversity is that they want coeds to learn alongside a representation of all of America, not just elites and eggheads. So let the undocumented Chicano who went to a shitty public school—and has two parents with grade-school educations in Mexico who work three jobs to barely make rent in a one-bedroom they share with two other families—teach your overachieving ass a bit about life; you might be surprised what you learn, if your arrogance allows it.

By the way, it’s nice of you to assimilate so much into America that you’re using the same Yellow Peril bullshit rhetoric gabachos used against the Chinese back in the day—progress!

Dear Mexican: I’m a gabacho who, by virtue of my Mexican stepfather, has a Mexican last name. Ironically enough, while my fellow gabachos never bother me about this, I get grief from Mexicans all the time. It usually happens in service situations where I’m paying with a credit card that reveals my family name. In these cases, Mexican waiters and cashiers will frequently subject me to such indignities as having me produce multiple forms of ID, interrogating me as to my genealogy, or glaring cruelly at my blond-haired, blue-eyed daughter and pointing out the obvious: “She doesn’t look like a Mexican!”

The way I see it, I’m a perfect example of 21st-century ethnic diversity, but the Mexicans treat me and my beautiful familia like turds floating in their gene pool. ¿Por que? In college, my left-leaning professors had us all convinced that only gabachos were capable of racism and prejudice. I’m starting to think they might have been wrong.

Burrito With Imitation Bean Filling

Dear Gabacho: Of course Mexicans can be racist—look how we treat Guatemalans—so why are you surprised? Because a leftist professor told you otherwise? Leftist professors also write eloquently and incisively, but you sure didn’t pick up on THAT …

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: In Jared Diamond’s DVD for Guns, Germs and Steel, he mentions the classical Spanish form of horsemanship, jimeta. I have not been able to find this word used anywhere else. Can you help?

Bronco Babobos

Dear Gabacho: While Diamond’s book of the same name is a classic, he got his word wrong—it’s jineta, per the Real Academia Española. The word is descended from jinete (horseman, and “El Jinete” is a GREAT José Alfredo Jiménez song), which is derived from the Zenata, the Berber confederation that served as cavalry of the Moors which was respected by the Spanish for their talent—conquistador game respects conquistador game, you know?

¡ASK A MEXICAN! INFLUENCES POLITICS!

Last week, a scandal broke out in the Los Angeles City Council District 1 race between incumbent Gil Cedillo and challenger Joseph Bray-Ali.

After the Bray-Ali campaign attacked Cedillo for not denouncing some pendejo spewing racist remarks during a debate, One Bill Gil’s people told the Los Angeles Times about a years-old video of Bray-Ali asking your humble Mexican a YouTube question about why Mexicans like to use their car horns as doorbells. (Short answer: Because we’re LOUD, and also because most barrios rarely have any open parking spaces.)

Bray-Ali subsequently apologized for the 9-year-old question, even as he declared himself a “fanboy” of this column.

Wow, where to begin … how about fuck everyone involved? Fuck the Times for not doing their research and realizing that Bray-Ali’s question was directed at me—that dramatically changes the dynamics of the story. Fuck Cedillo’s team for responding to a racial taunt by one of his supporters by sending reporters the question in an effort to turn the tables on Bray-Ali. (Cedillo, for his part, denounced the nastiness, although one of his fans is now leaving anti-Indian comments on my clip.) Fuck Cedillo’s supporters for not allowing Bray-Ali to ask a legitimate question about Mexicans to a column set up for that. Fuck any Cedillo supporters who think the very act of engaging with ¡Ask a Mexican! is racist—Gil sure didn’t think so when he was a member of the Latino Legislative Caucus in 2008 when they awarded me with a Latino Spirit Award for what they said was my “exceptional vision, creativity and work ethic.”

Fuck Bray-Ali’s supporters for trying to drag former state Sen. Martha Escutia into the “Go back to India!” debacle. Fuck Bray-Ali’s brother for sending me a Facebook message that got sent to that “filtered folder” bullshit—my email’s pretty easy to find, bruh. Fuck Bray-Ali for apologizing and taking back his question—that implies what you did was wrong, which it wasn’t. With fans like you, who needs enemies?

Man, where’s a tamborazo version of “Hit ’Em Up” when I need it?

To everyone involved: Don’t use my column for your pathetic needs. Take a deep breath, and concentrate on issues that matter in District 1, like housing affordability and the fact that gentrified Highland Park is overrated.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: You are a racist, my friend. How can you bring up Japanese and Chinese mistreatment, and not Irish or Jewish mistreatment? It’s because it doesn’t fit into your narrative of whitey being the vilest creature on Earth.

Worrying about language, culture and assimilation doesn’t make you a racist (even though Mexican isn’t a race, but I digress). People want to protect the melting pot of American culture. People want people to come here legally and assimilate—not forget or ignore their ancestors’ culture, but to embrace American culture.

Your race-baiting demagoguery is intellectually dishonest and a threat to the American way of life for all colors and ethnicities.

Jeff Sessions Is My Boo

Dear Gabacho: Ah, the wonders of the Internet. You no doubt found my columna from some random Google search or Google News or Stormfront or some other fake news outlet; read a couple of back issues; then surmised I hate gabachos for being white. No seas pendejo.

Again and again, I’ve brought up gabacho racism against European immigrants—whether it’s Benjamin Franklin railing against Germans, the British deeming Jews trying to enter Israel when it was still Mandatory Palestine as “illegals,” or the entirety of the Dillingham Commission report. I do love gabacho racism against “white” immigrants, because it’s proof that when idiots like you say they only want “legal” immigrants and don’t mind people holding on to the traditions of the motherland, it’s as much of a a false flag as saying Rick Bayless is a great Mexican chef.

Hate white people? The Mexican LOVES white people! Without them, tequila would’ve never become a worldwide product, and the Mexican soccer team wouldn’t have any other team to get humiliated by. It’s gabachos who ruin the United States—and if you can’t tell the difference between whites and gabachos, then you don’t know your Chris Rock.

Dear Mexican: I’ve noticed you haven’t addressed too many issues dealing with Mexican gangs in your column. Tell me what’s up with the Norteños and Sureños, and why they hate each other so much.

Aren’t all you Mexicans after the Reconquista in the first place? How did this split happen, and how does a guy like me stay out of the way in la Mission in Frisco?

Mulatto Man (Who Happens to Look Mexican)

Dear Negrito: Imagine all the power Mexicans would have if we were one unified force. Trump wouldn’t be president, for one. And we wouldn’t have all these ridiculous gang beefs that leave too many of our young dead, hooked on drugs or condemned to la vida loca.

I’m not going to get into the history of the Norteños and Sureños, because I’m sure you can find some documentary about their history on a NatGeo special, and I don’t want one side to think I favor the other side. Besides, the only gang I claim is the Gashouse Gang—look ’em up, eses.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: OK … sour cream! Growing up in a Mexican family, my mom never used sour cream on the food she cooked. Now, when she comes to visit me, I take her to Mexican restaurants here in the Dallas area. Almost every time she orders an entrée, she always asks me why they offer sour cream as a side item.

Is it me, or is it a gabacho thing with the “need to have sour cream thing on my Tex-Mex food”? Am I too old-fashioned, too old-school?

I’ll Love Tony Romo Forever

Dear Pocha: Your mom might not use sour cream, but si es old-school, I guarantee you that she uses crema fresca, or crema salada, or even jocoque if she’s from Jalisco.

Those are the Mexican versions of sour cream—in other words, a dairy product that enlivens dishes with a tart milkiness. When Mexicans came to the United States in the early 1900s and started making Mexican food, the substitute for crema was sour cream, because there was no crema in los Estados Unidos at the time due to a lack of concentration of Mexicans. It’s the same reason why Tex-Mex food uses cheddar cheese and that pointless cabbage salad on the side of a combo plate—you make due with what you tienes.

I don’t have a problem with it, but real Mexicans like you do, because ustedes can’t comprehend that mestizaje is a two-way calle that makes our culture thrive. Man, y’all must also be mad at Mexicans in the U.S. for learning English instead of staying monolingual in Spanish—good luck with that!

Dear Mexican: I’m a gay gabacho who has been in a relationship with a Mexican for seven years. His family knows about us, and they love me. They treat me almost like a celeb whenever they come to Dallas and visit, or when we go to Mexico. At first, they didn’t like me for the simple reason that they didn’t trust white people. Once they got to know me, that was all over with. His mother is the family matriarch and treats me as if I am one of her own children.

However, whenever we get around his family or his friends in Mexico, my boyfriend acts like I am not even there. I actually spend more time with everyone else. (Between my broken Spanish and their broken English, we communicate rather well.) Is his distance from me caused by the fact that I am white, or that we are in a gay relationship? I ask only because his friends and family don’t have a problem with it, so this stumps me.

Gaybacho

Dear Gaybacho: I can’t answer this question fully as a cishet cabrón, but I can offer this: Mexican families don’t take kindly to their kids being grabby-grabby with their significant others in front of them, because no child of any Mexican parents has ever had sex.

Your papi chulo obviously likes you—otherwise, you’d never have met the family in the first place—but he might be taking the commandment I just shared with you a bit too seriously. Check in with him, and see what’s up. And if it doesn’t work out? Get one of his male relatives. As I’ve said before in this column, what’s the difference between a straight hombre and a gay one? Three beers.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I know there’s beef between Mexicans and Trump right now because of the whole deportation thing, but can he really do any worse than Obama did when it comes to deportations?

Obama deported between 2 million and 3 million people—more than any other president. Is there something I’m missing here? Help me out.

Pocho in Plano

Dear Pocho: Why is it that it’s almost always male Tejanos who ask the above question? It’s not a bad one (save your flippant dismissal of “the whole deportation thing”—sounds like you’re the type of pocho whose last connection to the motherland was your grandmother’s tamale recipe that your sister fucks up every Christmas), but there’s a special level of false equivalency among Texan Chicanos regarding Trump that I just don’t see anywhere else.

Yes, Obama deported a chingo of our people, leading National Council on La Raza head Janet Murguia—not exactly the most radical activist out there, despite what the conservative media will have you believe—to label him the “Deporter in Chief.” But the Migration Policy Institute crunched the números to discover that, while the Obama administration’s total deportation figure was about 5.3 million people, it didn’t even come close to matching the figures under Dubya (10.3 million) and Clinton (12.3 million—as if you needed another reason to hate the Clintons, pinches PRIistas).

The 3 million figure frequently cited for Obama refers to the removal of immigrants from this country, and he did significantly beat 43 and Slick Willie in that category, but to treat BHO as somehow more of a Mexican-basher than any president in history is as context-free as saying some guy named Jose Alfredo Jiménez wrote songs.

Can Trump do any worse? When he has already promised a border wall, declared war on sanctuary cities, and brags about his love of “Hispanics” with a taco bowl, I’d say ahuevo. And, of course, #fucktrump.

Dear Mexican: I’m a security guard at an apartment complex. I get out and work hard. I write a lot of people up for rule infractions, much more than they are used to from previous guards—so much more so that many people think I must be targeting them. But the reality is, I write up anyone and everyone I see breaking a safety or courtesy rule. (People quietly drinking outside is not a problem to me; playing music too loud in a car is.)

According to office management, about 25 percent of the residents have accused me of targeting them. But the kicker is: All the complaints come from Mexican women. Not the blacks or whites of either gender, and not the Mexican men. What is the deal?

Parking Lot Policia

Dear Gabacho: NO ONE likes security guards at apartment complexes—y’all are the pendejos too dumb to become sheriff’s deputies or migra. Writing people up for playing music loud? Laughable.

That said, if it’s only Mexican women complaining, it’s because they’re the ones who have it harder than any other group if they’re living in an apartment complex. Let them blast their Romeo Santos—the last thing they need in their hardscrabble vidas is their choni-melter daydream getting them cited by some rent-a-cop.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: The other day, I witnessed a young gordita retrieve a bag of Fritos, open it, then walk over to the chili station and pump two steaming piles of 7-Eleven chili into the bag. At that point, the Frita Bandita then shook the bag and started comer those nasty, now-hot, chili-soaked Fritos. Needless to say, I was appalled. And enfermo.

Why not just buy a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos? Do most Mexicans shamelessly mangle foodstuffs like this? What other foul comida are Mexicans shoving past their mustaches?

Señor Roast

Dear Gabacho: You mean chili billies? The first time I had chili ladled over Fritos or tortilla chips was at Sage Park in Anaheim during my time riding the bench for the La Palma Little League Senior Minor division. Gabachos went crazy for the dish; us Mexicans shrugged, bought a bag of Fritos and drowned it in Tapatío. Now, 25 years later, we pour Tapatio on Tapatío-flavored Doritos—and?

Spare me your mock shock: The most famous dishes buried under chili—the Coney Island dog and Cincinnati chili five way (spaghetti, chili, cheese, onions, and beans)—are favorites of poor gabachos in the South and Midwest. They’re great dishes, and fulfill the working-class dream of filling your gut for cheap and offending precious pendejos like yourself.

Dear Mexican: The sentiment among most U.S. citizens is that new Mexican arrivals in the U.S. should immediately learn to speak English. (It’s the least that they could do.) How easy would that be for the Mexicans? Would it be easier for us to learn to speak Spanish? Are there more Spanish words than English words? Is it fair to even ask that question?

Tongue Tied Gringo

Dear Gabacho: All’s fair in love and etymology, son!

Gabachos don’t realize how pinche hard it is to learn how to speak English. The Oxford English Dictionary currently has 171,476 words in its Second Edition that it categorizes as “current use” (and this is not including tenses and obsolete words), while the Real Academia Española estimates about 100,000. That said, Mexicans do learn how to speak English, if slowly: A 2016 study by the Migration Policy Institute (MPI) showed 69 percent of Mexican immigrants “reported limited English proficiency, compared to 50 percent of all immigrants.” That might seem high, but compare that to another immigrant group that came from similar poverty: Vietnamese. The MPI showed 67 percent of Vietnamese report LEP, but I don’t hear people freaking out about them. Maybe because they historically voted Republican?

Dear Mexican: Years ago, in response to some political bullshit heaved by Shrubya and his ignoble Cabal of Curs, I remember seeing long lines of people outside Mexican consular offices waiting to get a Matricula Consular card. I know matricula means “enrollment,” but what exactly was the purpose of the cards? And why was it so important that people would stand in line all day to get one? P.S.: #fucktrump.

Gringo Wants to Play Bingo

Dear Gabacho: You said it, loco. All those cards do are serve as a form of ID for undocumented folks that allow them to do everything from open bank accounts to buy alcohol at clubs to apply for a driver’s license in certain states. Know Nothings, of course, take the document as further proof Mexico is trying to Reconquista the United States, which is kinda like realizing you’re on fire only when the flames expose your ulna.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: A Mexican man recently broke up with me. We had great sex but a somewhat distant relationship. Anyway, the reason he left me was his immigration status. He says he can’t “be with me mentally,” because he’s somewhere else mentally—not knowing where he might be living in the next days and months is really bothering him. There is also the fact that he can’t find work now because of E-File.

I’m trying to find closure. It’s only been a few days since he left me, but I’m struggling with finding peace in myself. My friends say things like, “You’re better off without him,” and, “Things happen for a reason.” I miss him, miss the great sex (adventurous, great oral, got very close to anal) and most of all, I miss the idea of him. He’s liberal politically, helps his family here and in Mexico, is a good person, helps others and is very organic. I forgot to mention he has beautiful long hair and is “como un tren,” which means he’s solid like a football player and made me melt when I touched his “guns.”

Please help me deal.

La Heina No More

Dear Ya No The Chick: Man, you know Trump is destroying lives when Mexicans can’t even have sex with gabachas anymore without deportation on their mind. (Quick thought, gents: Think of 45’s blobbish physique to hold out just a bit more.)

It seems like the two of you had a great relationship outside of el sexo, and he’s obviously concerned about his livelihood and those of his fellow undocumented friends and family, so don’t take it personally. The most important thing right now is for you to be there for him, even if he’s unavailable physically. Protest whenever the inevitable migra raids inflict terror on the barrios in your city. Bombard your congressman and senators, demanding they oppose Trump’s wall of shame. Donate to nonprofits designed to help out people like your hombre.

Remember: The most important body part of his to have right now is his back. Oh, and #fucktrump.

Dear Mexican: This past Thanksgiving weekend for me was a bit surreal. I was born and raised here in the beautiful city of Nuestra Señora de Los Angeles and decided to visit my mother in Arkansas, where she recently moved with her new husband. (Her husband is from the state of Guerrero!) Before my boyfriend (who is white) and I arrived, my mother told me that they (her husband’s family and friends) were going to kill a goat in honor of me and my boyfriend’s arrival, and have a huge fiesta on Saturday. I thought she was pulling my leg.

Thursday, we had the traditional turkey; come Friday evening, there was a weird stench coming from the back yard of the house. My boyfriend and I noticed that my mom’s husband and his friends were preparing the goat. Mind you, my boyfriend and I only eat three meats in our diet—chicken, beef and a little bit of pork. Someone told me that this tradition happens in many places in the world, and the type of animal they kill in your honor depends how important you are.

So, do Mexicans really do this, or am I just super-special with my family?

Turning Vegetariana Very Soon

Dear Gabacha: I have always maintained that only the world’s superior cultures go crazy for goat. That means that the GOATs of the world are Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Koreans, Pakistanis and, of course, Mexicans.

If your ’billy mom is now with a guy who’s immersing her in the art of cabrito, consider yourself blessed. That he and his compas slaughtered a goat in your name is nothing but respect.

“Weird stench”? Watch your manners—and be glad they didn’t make you a taco bowl.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Page 1 of 23