Last updateMon, 24 Aug 2020 12pm

After a fall-winter-spring blur of Too Many Shows, you’re thinking to yourself, “Summer is finally here—I can take a break from TV. Praise the Lord!”

Sorry. Your god has abandoned you: Here are 32 new and returning series you’re going to have to watch this summer, because peak TV knows no season.

In the unexpected return of Flaked (Season 2 premiere; Friday, June 2; Netflix), Chip (Will Arnett) heads back to Venice to rehab his ruined Local Hero status, if not his booze problem. Matters are even more dire for the gang on Fear the Walking Dead (Season 3 premiere; Sunday, June 4; AMC), as vigilante Build the Zombie Wall border patrollers won’t allow them to cross back over from Mexico. It could be worse; they could be struggling comedians in 1970s Hollywood—which is the setting for I’m Dying Up Here (series debut; Sunday, June 4; Showtime).

Tim Heidecker re-ups for more ultra-violent spy action in Decker: Unclassified (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, June 4; Adult Swim), while Aussie comic Jim Jefferies takes another stab at ’Merican TV with late-night talker The Jim Jefferies Show (series debut; Tuesday, June 6; Comedy Central). Latina heroine (?) Teresa (Alice Braga) continues her quest to rule the drug trade in Queen of the South (Season 2 premiere; Thursday, June 8; USA), and the ladies of Litchfield are still doing time in Orange Is the New Black (Season 5 premiere; Friday, June 9; Netflix), hackers be damned.

The ragtag crew of ridiculously good-looking intergalactic criminals remain lost in space in Dark Matter (Season 3 premiere; Friday, June 9; Syfy), and TV’s coolest demon hunter is back and gunning for souls in Wynonna Earp (Season 2 premiere; Friday, June 9; Syfy). Meanwhile, the end is near for the Clone Club in the final run of Orphan Black (Season 5 premiere; Saturday, June 10, BBC America), and even nearer for frenemies Billie and Gene in the two-weekend burn-off of Idiotsitter (Season 2 premiere; Saturday, June 10; Comedy Central).

An all-star cast chews scenery and buffs cuticles in new Florida nail-salon dramedy Claws (series debut; Sunday, June 11; TNT), and primetime goes grindhouse with Blood Drive (series debut; Wednesday, June 14, Syfy), about a cross-country death race where the cars run on—what else?—blood. The Mist (series debut; Thursday, June 22; Spike) rolls out more subtle Stephen King-y scares, and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling finally get their ’80s-spandexed due in the Alison Brie-led docu-comedy GLOW (series debut; Friday, June 23; Netflix).

Fiddy Cent’s nightclubs ’n’ drugs drama Power (Season 4 premiere; Sunday, June 25; Starz) finds kingpin Ghost (Omari Hardwick) caught in the middle of a, yep, power struggle, while Jesse, Tulip and Cassidy finally hit the road looking for God in Preacher (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, June 25; AMC). Liza (Sutton Foster) deals with the fallout of her bestie Kelsey (Hilary Duff) learning her dark, old secret in Younger (Season 4 premiere; Wednesday, June 28; TV Land), and everybody’s favorite ragtag trio of ridiculously good-looking interplanetary bounty hunters gear up to fight the good-ish fight in Killjoys (Season 3 premiere; Friday, June 30; Syfy).

John Singleton’s Snowfall (series debut; Wednesday, July 5; FX) dramatizes the crack-cocaine epidemic of ’80s Los Angeles, while modernized period piece Will (series debut; Monday, July 10; TNT) juices the legend of a young William Shakespeare as he arrives in the, wait for it, “punk-rock theatre scene of 16th century London.” Back in the present, a pair of college eggheads break it to the White House that an asteroid is six months away from mercifully colliding with Earth in Salvation (series debut; Wednesday, July 12; CBS).

Game of Thrones … yeah, nothing more needs to be said here (Season 7 premiere; Sunday, July 16; HBO). In the final stretch of The Strain (Season 4 premiere; Sunday, July 16; FX), nuclear winter is in full effect; the Strigoi vampires have seized the planet; and our heroes are down for the count—but are they, really? Meanwhile, Ballers (Season 3 premiere; Sunday, July 23; HBO) and Insecure (Season 2 premiere; Sunday, July 23; HBO) are paired up for the most incongruent HBO hour ever, while Midnight, Texas (series debut; Monday, July 24; NBC) takes Charlaine Harris’ supernatural novels for a TV spin.

Would you believe … Sharknado 5 (movie premiere; Sunday, Aug. 6; Syfy)? Marvel’s The Defenders (series debut; Friday, Aug. 18; Netflix) finally brings together Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage and Iron Fist for a dysfunctional superhero team-up, while the 21st go-round of South Park (season 21 premiere; Wednesday, Aug. 23; Comedy Central) attempts to find the funny in Trump’s America—if he’s still in office at that point. Fortunately, Abbi and Ilana drop the long-long-long-awaited comeback of Broad City (Season 4 premiere; Wednesday, Aug. 23; Comedy Central), and the new take on The Tick (series debut; Friday, Aug. 25; Amazon Prime) may reunify the country, after all. Spoon!

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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Friday, May 19, Netflix), season premiere: Where will the perkiest TV character ever created (cartoons included) go in Season 3? Now that she has her post-doomsday-cult-imprisonment GED, Kimmy (Ellie Kemper) is entering higher education: “After high school, most white girls go to college,” explains Kimmy’s landlady, Lillian (Carol Kane). Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt will also welcome back everybody’s favorite cult leader and No. 1 draft pick for his own spinoff series, Richard Wayne Gary Wayne (Jon Hamm), as well as guest stars like Ray Liotta, Laura Dern, jinx killer Robert Durst (actually, Fred Armisen) and Beyonce (actually, Titus Burgess). We’ll also learn that Jaqueline (Jane Krakowski) attended Trump University, which makes sooo much sense. Still full of heart, Kimmy is as weird, warm and hilarious as ever.

12 Monkeys (Friday, May 19, Syfy), season premiere: Before the 2016-17 TV season’s onslaught of time-travel shows (Timeless, Time After Time, Making History, all of which have been canceled), there was Syfy’s 12 Monkeys. There was also Doctor Who, but there’s always been Doctor Who. Anyway: 12 Monkeys, based on the 1995 movie of the same name, doesn’t so much replicate the Bruce Willis/Brad Pitt classic as warp the hell out of it, with Cole (Aaron Stanford) expanding on Willis’ stop-the-apocalypse tenacity, while Goines (show-stealer Emily Hampshire) takes Pitt’s mental patient to giddy new levels. Season 3 will be the final chapter for 12 Monkeys, and Syfy is blowing out all 10 episodes over three nights—I’d suggest a Hulu binge of the first two seasons before sending off the TV Time Travel Trend. Except Doctor Who, because, Doctor Who.

Twin Peaks (Sunday, May 21, Showtime), return: Sure, it seems like you’ve been reading/ignoring this TV column forever, but it didn’t even exist during the original 1990-91 run of Twin Peaks—no, really! David Lynch’s long-long-long-awaited Showtime revival takes place 25 years later, consists of 18 episodes, features 200 characters, and … that’s about all anyone knows. The new Twin Peaks hasn’t been shown to critics, and Lynch and co-creator Mark Frost have been tight with details beyond name-dropping guest stars (Laura Dern, Ashley Judd, Tim Roth, Naomi Watts and Robert Forster among them). This Pacific Northwest bizarre-noir was too much for ’90s television to handle, and even after dozens of subsequent rip-offs (sorry, “homages”), no one should doubt Lynch’s ability to push the envelope on Showtime. Now, where’s the pie?

Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter (Monday, May 22, Adult Swim), season premiere: Now that Neon Joe (Jon Glaser) has exacted revenge upon his father, defeated the evil Cybots and retired from the werewolf hunting game (see how much you missed in Season 1?), he can finally realize his lifelong dream: opening his own tiki bar, Oahu Joe’s. But, before you can say “Heyup!” Joe’s pulled back into supernatural danger to take on a rival werewolf hunter, billionaire playboy Plaid Jeff (Godfrey, Steven Universe). Glaser’s eye-patched mercenary with an incomprehensible Cajun accent may be one of the most ridiculous Adult Swim characters ever, but at least he’s concise: Neon Joe’s second season is only five episodes long, running nightly and wrapping up on Friday. Jason Sudeikis (R.I.P., Son of Zorn) shows up in the premiere, not that you needed to be sold harder.

The Fox News Specialists (Weekdays, Fox News), new series: Weird times at Fox News: Bill O’Reilly’s out; Tucker Carlson keeps failing upward; Jesse Watters somehow still has a job after dropping an Ivanka Trump blowjob joke; on and on. And now there’s The Fox News Specialists, a new weekday talker hosted by personality free stalk of celery Eric Bolling, too-smart-for-any-room-but-especially-this-one Eboni Williams, and my personal favorite Fox News floater, National Review reporter Katherine Timpf (also a regular on The Greg Gutfeld Show, the best thing to happen to Saturday nights since blackout bingeing). The trio are joined daily by two “specialists” on … something … making five—but not The Five, which is a different Fox News show. It all adds up to an even more pointless waste of airtime than Fox and Friends, bringing less to the news cycle than a waterskiing squirrel. Just lock down Tomi Lahren and Milo Yiannopoulos and launch Live! With Tomi and Milo! already.

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I Love Dick (Friday, May 12, Amazon Prime), series debut: Much has been think-pieced about Transparent showrunner Jill Soloway’s follow-up Amazon Prime series, I Love Dick: It’s a showcase for the rarely dramatized “female gaze”; it’s upending standard methods of linear storytelling; it has “Dick” in the title, etc. But … is it funny and/or moving? The first episode, launched last year in Amazon’s up-voting Pilot Season, answered with a hard “duh.” I Love Dick tells the story of New Yorkers Chris (Kathryn Hahn) and Sylvere (Griffin Dunne), who’ve relocated to a Texas artist town; she’s a struggling indie filmmaker, while he’s a writer-in-residency, and they’re both obsessed with local cowboy artist Dick (Kevin Bacon), a rugged bastard who couldn’t care less. If you loved the pilot, you’ll want to spend a whole season with Dick.

Get Me Roger Stone (Friday, May 12, Netflix), documentary: Listeners of Alex Jones and InfoWars … sorry, failing Liberal Media outlet here, never mind … are familiar with Roger Stone, the veteran Republican adviser who first suggested that Donald Trump run for president, and then helped make it happen. He comes off like a dope, but, after 50 years of being a “malevolent Forrest Gump” figure in American politics, he’s proven to be an effective dope. Stone is also a little weirder than you might imagine: He was fired from Bob Dole’s 1996 presidential campaign after being “outed” as a swinger; he’s marched in pride parades; and he’s the proud owner of more than one Richard Nixon bong. He and Trump share eerie similarities, but Stone is the more interesting character—maybe after the Cheeto flames out … Stone/Jones 2020?

Sinister Minister (Sunday, May 28, Lifetime; rescheduled from May 13), movie: No, this is not a reunited ’80s metal band playing the lido deck on that classic-rock cruise you’re booking this summer. Sinister Minister is “based on a true story,” about single mother Trish (Nikki Howard) being lulled into a sense of security for herself and teen daughter Siena (Angelica Briones) by—spot the red flags in this descriptor—“charismatic church minister D.J.” (Ryan Patrick Shanahan). Little does Trish know that D.J. is a “serial wife-murderer” who’s plotting to introduce her to Jesus so he can have Siena all to himself. Which means, if D.J. adheres to his “serial” code, he’ll kill off aged-out Sienna in Sinister Minister 2: Ingénue Boogaloo—and we’ve gotta franchise here!

Mike Tyson Mysteries (Sunday, May 14, Adult Swim), season premiere: Now entering Season 3—yes, really—Mike Tyson (voiced by Tyson as parody or with sincerity … no one knows) is still solving … ? … mysteries with the help of sidekicks Pigeon (Norm MacDonald), the Marquess of Queensbury's ghost (Jim Rash) and adopted Korean daughter Yung Hee (Rachel Ramras—who’s not even Asian; please alert the Cultural Appropriation Police). This time around, the now-homeless Team Tyson meets Mike’s nerdy brother, flashes back to their first mystery, hits the car wash, goes to dinner and, most controversially of all, returns to Adult Swim full-time before Rick and Morty. (Seriously, what the hell?) Is it too much to wish for a Mike Tyson Mysteries/Rick and Morty crossover event wherein Rick faces off against Pigeon?

Downward Dog (Wednesday, May 17, ABC), series debut: Allison Tolman was going to be a star after the first season of Fargo, they told ya, a star! But then what happened? A Drunk History episode here, an Archer voice there, a recurring role in Amazon Prime’s Mad Dogs (don’t worry, no one else saw it, either), and now there’s … this. In ABC midseason-shunted-to-summer filler Downward Dog, Tolman stars as an—everybody say it together—unlucky-in-love single career woman whose daily travails are observed and commented upon by her overly thinky dog, Martin (voiced by series creator/writer Samm Hodges). It may have worked as a one-minute YouTube series; as a half-hour TV dramedy, not so much. There’s no there there, and though she’s a charming relatable everywoman, Tolman can’t carry this dog, or Dog.

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Live PD (Fridays and Saturdays, A&E), new series: Well, new-ish. A&E (the “Anything & Everything” network) has aired Live PD, which is essentially Cops meets Facebook Live in hell, since October 2016, much to the delight of slackjawed homebodies who can no longer get it up for Duck Dynasty. The “action” unfolds as a real-time ride-along, with ex-cops providing stilted commentary from a studio desk like a low-rent SportsCenter; “action” is in quotes, because Live PD captures a whole lotta nothin’ for hours on end—except for that one time when they scored footage of a guy who’d just been shot and killed over a drug deal, and A&E execs probably scored a quarterly bonus. I’m not saying that viewers of Live PD are immoral, brainless dirtbags for watching shakedowns of drunk college coeds. I am heavily implying it, though.

2017 MTV Movie and TV Awards (Sunday, May 7, MTV), special: TV critics are considered lesser lifeforms than film critics—just ask any film critic. Likewise, movie-awards shows are more highly vaunted than television-awards shows, even though TV programming is currently destroying film in terms of quality, quantity and viewership. This is why MTV has finally tacked TV onto its long-running Movie Awards, with small-screeners mixing it up with theatrical releases in categories such as Best Villain, Best Hero, Best Kiss, Best Fight Against the System (?) and Best American Story, which has TV sitcoms like Blackish and Fresh Off the Boat going up against heavy film drama Moonlight. (Confused voters will probably play it safe and vote Transparent.) At least the MTV Movie and TV Awards will be live; let’s hope host Adam DeVine takes full advantage of that.

Truth and Iliza (Tuesdays, Freeform), new series: Comedian Iliza Shlesinger won NBC’s Last Comic Standing in 2008, which, like being an American Idol victor, was a consistent ticket to obscurity and/or the state fair. However, she’s built up a solid body of work since then, including three Netflix stand-up specials and, as required by current entertainment law, a podcast, Truth and Iliza. Now, Truth and Iliza is a weekly late-night talk show, making Shlesinger one of the few women in a bro-crowded field. (There’s Samantha Bee; there’s Chelsea Handler … and that’s about it.) Unlike TV Land’s recent crash-and-burn attempt to turn a pop-cultural podcast into a late-night cable series, Throwing Shade, Truth and Iliza is a smart mix of social commentary, conversational politics and Shlesinger’s “casual feminism”—it maybe too smart for Freeform, even.

Nobodies (Wednesdays, TV Land), new series: Oh, TV Land—what does it want to be? The Jim Gaffigan Show seemed like a perfect beacon, but Gaffigan canceled himself, leaving a hodgepodge of network sitcom reruns, edgy-adjacent originals (Younger, Teachers) and George Lopez’s latest in a long line of laughers. (More on him in a moment.) And then there’s Nobodies, the kind of behind-the-scenes Hollywood-biz comedy that Showtime couldn’t get enough of in a previous century. Comics Hugh Davidson, Larry Dorf and Rachel Ramras play versions of themselves, toiling as writers for a kids’ cartoon (The Fartlemans, yep) while pitching a script for a potential big-budget comedy for Melissa McCarthy (who appears, frequently and hilariously). Ramras’ borderline-filthy jokes hint that maybe this should have been on Showtime.

Lopez (Wednesdays, TV Land), new season: Now in Season 2, Lopez continues to be the funniest of all—what, 50?—George Lopez-related TV comedies, but not necessarily because of Lopez himself. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm, Louie, Maron and others before it, Lopez is about the daily life and career speed bumps (and severe social-media confusion) of a veteran stand-up comedian; more so than those did, Lopez makes great use of its supporting characters. George’s driver Manolo (Anthony “Citric” Campos), as well as comic friend/squatter Maronzio (Maronzio Vance), juice every scene they’re in, but it’s indefatigable 20-something manager Olly (Hayley Huntley) who’s arguably the real star of Lopez, a caffeinated firehose of positive-ish support and neon fashion sense. I’d like to pitch an Olly spin-off … to a different network.

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Dear White People (Friday, April 28, Netflix), series debut: A few white people were angry about the mere title of creator/director Justin Simien’s 2014 film Dear White People, and even more got pissed when Netflix dropped a trailer for his new 10-episode series of the same name. They’ve never seen more than a minute of either, but said whiteys waged futile YouTube downvote campaigns and “cancel Netflix” drives to stop this reverse oppression … or whatever the hell was perceived as happening. Too bad, because Dear White People is a ferociously funny look at “post-racial” relations, PC college culture and misconceptions from both ends of the color spectrum. Could it maybe change some minds? Nah, probably not. But! For everyone else, DWP features some killer performances and nimble comical/political scripting. What’s in a name?

Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner (Saturday, April 29, TBS), special: In the name of Serious Journalism, this column has never agreed to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, a clique-y gathering wherein reporters and politicians mingle in a professionally suspect manner. (It should also be noted that this column has never been invited to attend the event, but whatever.) When our likely temporary Cheeto in Chief was elected bigly last November, the fate of future WHCDs was thrown into doubt—so Samantha Bee and her Full Frontal crew decided to hold their own alternative soiree, whether the other one will happen or not (and it is, tonight, with The Daily Show’s Hasan Minhaj hosting). Even though details are scarce, Bee’s affair is the better entertainment bet, and TBS is waaay easier to find than C-SPAN.

American Gods (Sunday, April 30, Starz), series debut: Producer extraordinaire Bryan Fuller is no longer attached to CBS All Access’ Star Trek Discovery; in other news, Star Trek Discovery is never going to happen. Anyway: Fuller’s previous TV work, even the darker-than-dark Hannibal, has always been constrained by the limits of broadcast “standards.” But his (and Logan writer Michael Green’s) American Gods, based on Neil Gaiman’s geek-grail 2001 novel, is on Starz, a premium-cable network on a roll with more to prove—no PG-13 compromises here. The fantastical, vivid and violent story of Old Gods ramping up for war against New Gods on Earth is impossible to sum up in a paragraph, but the performances of Ian McShane, Ricky Whittle, Orlando Jones, Gillian Anderson, Crispin Glover (!) and others are revelations. Get Starz now.

United Shades of America (Sunday, April 30, CNN), season premiere: Similar to the Dear White People situation, viewers of all colors took exception to comic W. Kamau Bell kicking off his CNN docu-series United Shades of America in 2016 with a behind-the-sheets look at the Ku Klux Klan, claiming that he was “normalizing” white supremacists. He wasn’t; they’re morons. Over eight episodes, Bell profiled prison life, Latino culture, police, survivalists, gentrification and more from a black perspective with a deft blend of humor and factuality—a task that won’t come easier in the era of “fake news.” Season 2 isn’t toning anything down, as the first episode tackles immigration and features an interview with everyone’s favorite white nationalist/Nazi piñata, Richard Spencer. United Shades of America: The bravest (and, as far as I know, only) show on CNN.

Drop the Mic (Tuesday, May 2, TBS), series debut: Prompting celebrities to sing karaoke, lip-sync hits and engage in rap battles are cheap and easy methods to connect with Middle ’Merica, and The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and The Late Late Show With James Corden have the gimmick on lock. Spike expanded Fallon’s Lip Sync Battle bits into a successful series, and Corden’s Carpool Karaoke gets regular prime time-special treatment on CBS; now, his hip-hop combat segment Drop the Mic is a TBS show. (Note to these series: Stop dropping unplugged microphones in commercials—details, people.) Drop the Mic blatantly clones Lip Sync Battle’s LL Cool J/Chrissy Teigen dynamic with hosts Method Man (veteran rapper) and Hailey Baldwin (model with an Instagram account). Up next: Celebrity Colonoscopy.

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Mary Kills People (Sunday, April 23, Lifetime), series debut: Canadian actress Caroline Dhavernas has starred in left-of-center American series like Wonderfalls and Hannibal, but Mary Kills People is probably the first to fully realize her oddly chilly-sexy potential. (It’s also a Canadian production, so no U.S. credit earned.) As the title bluntly spells out, Dr. Mary Harris (Dhavernas) kills people—terminally ill patients who want to go out on their own terms, specifically. Her secret Angel of Death gig threatens to spill over into every other aspect of her life, echoing dark-side classics like Weeds and Dexter, and Dhavernas’ complex Mary is an easy equal to Nancy Botwin and Dexter Morgan. The first season of Mary Kills People is only six episodes, but it’s an addictive taste of what should be more to come. Make it happen, Canada!

Silicon Valley (Sunday, April 23, HBO), season premiere: Another season, another seemingly insurmountable clusterfuck for Pied Piper: Thanks to the fallout from using a click-farm to artificially boost the popularity of the clunky compression platform made by Richard (Thomas Middleditch), no one wants to fund Dinesh (Kumail Nanjiani) and his viable-and-already-blowing-up video-chat app—coder probs, am I right? Silicon Valley, aka Nerd Entourage, makes far more sense if you’ve ever worked in the digital world, where the only physical product is the occasional promo hoodie or sport bottle, and egos run rampant (I have; this show nails it uncomfortably well), but the funny is universal. In an unlikely parallel to HBO’s Girls, Season 4 of Silicon Valley sees the crew growing apart—but clothed, thankfully. And I stand by this: A little T.J. Miller goes a long way.

Dimension 404 (Tuesday, April 25, Hulu), season finale: Hulu’s six-episode anthology series Dimension 404 is like a more comedic take on Black Mirror—then again, pretty much anything is comedic compared to Black Mirror. The series’ premiere episode, “Matchmaker,” was a twisty riff on dating-app tech in which Joel McHale gave a more lively performance in under 30 minutes than he has in 20 episodes of the dead-eyed slog of The Great Indoors. (Please, CBS, kill that show, and set Joel free.) Another installment, “Cinethrax,” starring Patton Oswalt, began as a cautionary commentary on the divisiveness of insular nerd-elitism, only to have said insular nerd-elitism ultimately save the day (well, until—spoiler—aliens enslaved the planet). Dimension 404 isn’t a mind-blower, but it’s at least amusingly unpredictable—and now you can binge all six episodes.

Great News (Tuesday, April 25, NBC), series debut: NBC’s last great newsroom comedy was NewsRadio in the ’90s (30 Rock doesn’t count, and the hilarious antics of Brian Williams reside on MSNBC), but damned if they don’t keep trying. Great News is set behind the scenes of a cable-news show, The Breakdown, produced by Katie (Briga Heelan), a—you guessed it—frazzled, unlucky-in-love young career woman who becomes even more frazzled-er when her mom, Carol (Andrea Martin), comes aboard as an intern. For a Tina Fey production, Great News lacks the snap of 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, though vets Martin and John Michael Higgins (as The Breakdown’s old-school anchor) are reliably solid. Also, Nicole Richie is … here, for some reason.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Wednesday, April 26, Hulu), series debut: Here’s yet another bleak dystopian future in which the super-rich rule in a fascist theocracy—but wait, there’s more! Women are servile, disposable and mostly barren; those “lucky” enough to be fertile are treated like higher-grade animals, “wombs with two legs.” Fun, right? The Handmaid’s Tale, based on Margaret Atwood’s 1985 novel, was first given the screen treatment in 1990, but lends itself far better to a 10-episode series than that rushed, uneven film. In the society of Gilead, former-American-with-rights-turned-handmaiden Offred (Elisabeth Moss, fantastic as ever) is the designated baby-maker for Commander Waterford (Joseph Fiennes) and his wife, Serena Joy (Yvonne Strahovski); dehumanization and ickiness ensue. There are few slivers of light in the darkness here, but the payoff is worth it.

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Friday, April 14, Netflix), season premiere: While MST3K O.G.s Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett continue their movie-mockery biz at a staggering pace with RiffTrax, Mystery Science Theater 3000 proper is still missed. Netflix, proving that not all pop-cultural reboots are heinous abominations, picked up the 1988-1999 series after creator Joel Hodgson sparked a revival firestorm via Kickstarter. Hodgson has also recast the show, with comedian Jonah Ray as the new astro-host on the Satellite of Love, as well as new ’bot voices (Hampton Yount and Baron Vaughn as Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, respectively), and Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt as MST3K’s new “Mads.” Exactly which cinematic disasterpieces the crew will be viewing and skewering in these 14 fresh episodes are currently unknown, but who cares? New MST3K!

Doctor Who (Saturday, April 15, BBC America), season premiere: After Series 10—that’s U.K. for Season 10—latest Doctor Peter Capaldi is outta here. For his final go-round of 12 episodes, Capaldi will joined by a new companion, Bill Potts (Pearl Mackie). Nardole (Matt Lucas) and Missy (Michelle Gomez) are still around, as are those steel salt shakers of evil, the Daleks. With Capaldi set to exit Doctor Who after the 2017 Christmas episode, the question of, “Who’s going to be the next Doctor?” has pointed up a whole lotta British actors you’ve never heard of, but also a few intriguing U.S.-known quantities: Former Agent Carter Haley Atwell, Supergirl’s David Harewood and The IT Crowd’s Richard Ayoade. After 50+ years of white guys in the lead, could we finally get a female or black Doctor? Nah; it’ll probably be a ginger.

The Leftovers (Sunday, April 16, HBO), season premiere: Now that Rectify is done, The Leftovers could claim the Most Depressing Show on TV crown—or at least battle it out with Mama June: From Not to Hot. While the existential drama—about those left behind after a seeming Rapture took 140 million from the planet, if you recall—did lighten up in Season 2, there’s still plenty to ennui on about in this third and final run: The seventh anniversary of the event is looming; the pesky Guilty Remnant cult has invaded the new Miracle, Texas, hometown of Kevin (Justin Theroux); Kevin Sr. (Scott Glenn) is searching for an apocalypse-stopper in Australia; and creator/producer Damon Lindelof has asked the “Critical Community” to not spoil anything else. Fine. Except for this: Australia does not exist. (Look it up!)

Veep (Sunday, April 16, HBO), season premiere: In these stoopid political times, the phrase, “Now, more than ever,” gets tossed around frequently in regards to art-imitates-life shows like House of Cards, The Man in the High Castle—hell, maybe even The Last Man on Earth (which was the first series to “kill off” the Trump administration, after all). But it’s modern comedy treasure Veep that will carry the burden of detracting from real politics, and Season 6 continues to go gloriously blue while largely ignoring the New Orange Order. Ex-president Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) may be out to heal the world in public, but she’s out for private, personal vengeance against old pains-in-the-ass like now-Congressman Jonah Ryan (Timothy Simons): “I want to let you know that I will destroy you in ways that are so creative, they’ll honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.” Now, more than ever.

Fargo (Wednesday, April 19, FX), season premiere: It’s been a while—16 months since the end of Season 2, give or take—but Fargo has earned its Game of Thrones-esque lag time. Season 3 is set in 2010, and concerns the soon-to-be criminal misadventures of “The Parking Lot King of Minnesota,” Ray Stussy (Ewan McGregor); his bridge-loving parolee girlfriend, Nikki Swango (Mary Elizabeth Winstead); and Ray’s loser brother, Emmit (also MacGregor). On opposite lawful sides of this trio of hilarious clothes and hair are this season’s Endearing Cop, Gloria Burgle (Carrie Coon), and Greasy Villain, V.M. Vargas (David Thewlis). It’s another taut tale of small-town good vs. evil vs. dim, and since Fargo is an anthology with no obligation to keep characters around for next season, anyone could meet their bloody end at any time. Yes, even Gloria’s doughy deputy (doughy Jim Gaffigan).

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Idiotsitter (Thursday, April 6, Comedy Central), season premiere: If you somehow made it through the 2016 “holiday” flick Office Christmas Party, you must concur that Jillian Bell’s bipolar she-pimp character was the funniest part of the movie—really, you must. Earlier in 2016, Bell and comedy partner Charlotte Newhouse dropped the debut season of Idiotsitter, a hilarious, flipped-to-female Workaholics of sorts that looked to be another Comedy Central one-and-done (see also, 2015’s genius Big Time in Hollywood, FL). But! Idiotsitter is back for a second season, and broke “baby sitter” Billie (Newhouse) and heiress “idiot” Gene (Bell) are now off to college. Despite what the Ghostbusters trolls told you, 2016 was a fantastic year for women in comedy—on-demand Idiotsitter Season 1 now, and report back.

You the Jury (Friday, April 7, Fox), series debut: Was Fox News host Jeanine Pirro’s recent spanking of House Speaker Paul Ryan merely a publicity stunt to promote You the Jury, the new legal-reality show she’s presiding over? Since Justice With Judge Jeanine airs in the dead zone of Saturday-night cable, and only your red-cap-sportin’ grandpa knows who the hell she is, probably. And this show seems no less cynical: “The new unscripted series You the Jury will give the biggest jury pool in history—America—the power to decide the outcome of some of the most explosive, real-life, ripped-from-the-headline civil cases,” pitches Fox. “Six top attorneys who’ve represented some of the nation’s biggest celebrities will argue their cases each week for America’s vote.” Via text, of course, as American Litigation Idol brings us one step closer to the dystopia we deserve.

The Son (Saturday, April 8, AMC), series debut: Speaking of the Saturday-night cable dead zone, here’s another Western from AMC to fill that Hell on Wheels void: The Son, based on Philipp Meyer’s novel of the same name, chronicles the rise of Texas oil tycoon Eli McCullough (Pierce Brosnan) by focusing on two time periods, 1849 and 1915. In the earlier timeline, you get Young Eli (Jacob Lofland) being kidnapped and held captive by Comanches; in the later, you get Brosnan in full Texan mode being a hardline bastard in business and a plain ol’ bastard to his children, who each have their own drama. There’s also an uneasy tension with a Spanish family who occupies the land between McCullough’s and Mexico … and, as you may gather, the uneasy tension of cramming a 576-page Western epic into 10 episodes.

The Gorburger Show (Sunday, April 9, Comedy Central), series debut: Great news for those sick of late-night talk shows hosted by white dudes: The Gorburger Show is hosted by a blue alien (puppeteered and voiced by white dude T.J. Miller, but still). After taking over a Japanese variety show and making slaves of its staff, alien Gorburger “settles in as host in an attempt to understand what it means to be human.” The Gorgburber Show, which sprang from an online series, borrows from tweaked talkers like The Eric Andre Show and Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, but never fully commits to the bit. It doesn’t help that Miller’s frequently upstaged by his guests—which could be by design, but I’ve already overanalyzed this show that costs maybe $150 to produce.

Better Call Saul (Monday, April 10, AMC), season premiere: Yeah, yeah—I know: “But I can’t watch Season 3 yet, because Season 2 just came out on Netflix two weeks ago! I don’t have cable, anyway—I only watch shows when they’re on Netflix, so can you puh-leez refrain from dropping any spoilers for, like, a year? And will you remind me when Season 3 comes to Netflix, because Netflix, Netflix, NETFLIX!” Do you realize what a pain in the ass it is to review TV for you cord-cutters? Anyway: Season 3 of Breaking Bad prequel Better Call Saul picks up immediately where the last left off, with Chuck (Michael McKean) plotting to take down brother Jimmy/Saul (Bob Odenkirk) with a secretly taped confession. As for the much-geeked-about introduction of Bad villain Gus Fring (Giancarlo Esposito), like everything else, BCS is in no hurry to get there. Just like you and your Netflix.

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Prison Break (Tuesday, April 4, Fox), return: Make that Prison Break: Resurrection, because the “dead” Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller) is actually alive in another prison—this time in Yemen, like that matters. The original 2005-2009 run of Fox’s Prison Break was a cultural phenomenon for a hot minute, but the story of blueprint-tattooed Michael springing his wrongfully convicted brother Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell) from jail held up surprisingly well over four seasons, thanks to a colorful supporting cast and ri-dic-u-lous plot twists. Sara (Sarah Wayne Callies), Sucre (Amaury Nolasco), C-Note (Rockmond Dunbar) and the unforgettable T-Bag (Robert Knepper) rejoin the Buzzcut Bros. for this nine-episode international Break-out event; it’s best if you don’t think too hard.

New Girl (Tuesday, April 4, Fox), season finale: Is Season 6 the end for New Girl? Fox yet to come to a decision, and tonight’s season finale could easily serve as a series finale for the comedy. Zooey Deschanel (who plays “New Girl” Jess) could not be reached for comment, as she was busy plucking turn-of-the-century tunes on a ukulele at a nearby farmer’s market. With well more than 100 episodes of reruns available on TBS and MTV, as well as Netflix, Hulu and whatever else you kids are watching “content” on, we probably have enough New Girl. The quality of laughs remained consistent to the end, and has even delivered some late-run surprises: Megan Fox can be funny; Cece (Hannah Simone) has an endless cache of eye-rolls; Schmidt (Max Greenfield) … still works.

Schitt’s Creek (Wednesday, April 5, Pop), season finale: Speaking of you kids and your viewing habits: Schitt’s Creek is not a Netflix show! It’s been originating from Pop since 2015; since no one knows what or where the hell Pop is, however, this can be forgiven. Three seasons in, it’s cool to see comedy veterans like Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Chris Elliott on a successful series, no matter how it’s being found. Like Arrested Development writ Canadian, Schitt’s Creek pits dumb ex-wealthy folk against small-town not-quite-hicks with hilarious results, even if the plot doesn’t add up: Johnnie and Moira Rose (Levy and O’Hara) are now forced to live in a hotel in the town of Schitt’s Creek, which they purchased as an impulsive joke decades ago. Ever tried to buy a town? Not easy.

Archer (Wednesday, April 5, FXX), season premiere: You may recall that, at the end of Season 7 last year, Sterling Archer (the voice of H. Jon Benjamin) was full of bullets, face-down in a swimming pool and presumed dead. But! In cartoons and Prison Break, death fake-outs are a thing: Archer’s now in a coma, and Season 8 is a 1940s Hollywood-noir-themed dream—it’s also only eight episodes long, and relocated from FX to FXX (which isn’t the literal TV death sentence it used to be, so relax). Only Archer could top the ultimate crime-noir comedy, 1982’s Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (Steve Martin’s greatest achievement, BTW); just don’t expect much deviation from the series’ usual abusive banter (thankfully).

Brockmire (Wednesday, April 5, IFC), series debut: Like Kenny Fucking Powers in the late Eastbound and Down, Jim Brockmire (Hank Azaria) yearns to return to Major League Baseball after a spectacular career meltdown. Unlike KFP, he’s on the other side of the announcer’s booth. In Brockmire, Azaria has found a cartoonish character to rival the 800 he voices on The Simpsons; he plays an old-school sportscaster full of hysterically dark asides (“I don’t drink … hard liquor … between the hours of 6 and 11 a.m.”), now reduced to calling minor-league ball for the Morristown Frackers. The team’s owner, Jules (Amanda Peet), is no ray of sober sunshine, either—hence, adversarial love interest. Brockmire has all the markings of a one-season-and-done oddity (as do most IFC shows not set in Portland), but it’s a … oh, the hackery! … home run.

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RuPaul’s Drag Race (Friday, March 24, VH1), season premiere: For Season 9, RuPaul’s Drag Race moves from niche network Logo to the slightly more mainstream VH1—what does this mean? That drag queens are now ready for ’Merican primetime? That our divided country needs fabulousness now more than ever? That VH1 could use some new programming unrelated to basketball, hip-hop and potluck dinners? Yes. Like a flashier, bitchier Project Runway, or a taller America’s Next Top Model, RuPaul’s Drag Race brings the D-R-A-M-A like nothing else on television, and deserves to be exposed—phrasing—to a wider audience (and if a few unsuspecting motorsports fans accidentally tune in, even better). On the educational side, I also now understand the phrases “Read to filth” and “She done already done had herses,” and hope to use them in a doctoral dissertation soon.

Bones (Tuesday, March 28, Fox), series finale: When it premiered in 2005, Bones had an interesting twist on the forensic procedural already beaten to death (ha!) by CSI: Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel) was an atheist anthropologist who lived by science; her FBI partner, Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz), was a sturdy block of all-American wood who liked Jeebus and hockey. Together, along with some slick computer graphics, they solved murders. Then Fox went on to make 246 damned episodes so TNT could play incessant weekday reruns alongside Castle (fun sick-day game: “Is This Castle or Bones?”). Now, after 12 seasons, it’s finally canceled … or was that Castle?

Harlots (Wednesday, March 29, Hulu), series debut: The producers of Harlots, a drama about 18th-century London prostitutes, promise that the series will deliver just as much male nudity as female nudity … so … progress? Said producers are also all women, so, yes. Recent sex-worker shows, like the cheeky Secret Diary of a Call Girl and the chilly The Girlfriend Experience, were told from a single female perspective, but Harlots introduces several (including Samantha Morton, Lesley Manville, Eloise Smyth and Downton Abbey’s Jessica Brown Findlay), while also throwing in familial strife, professional rivalry and the everyday/night danger of 1700s England (not to mention impossibly elaborate wigs and corsets). The best whore-TV show since Sean Hannity.

Imaginary Mary (Wednesday, March 29, ABC), series debut: Since Dharma and Greg ended in 2002, Jenna Elfman has not been able to catch a break: She’s headlined four failed network sitcoms since then, and has also guested on several high-quality dramas and comedies (and Two and a Half Men). The obvious answer is to give Elfman a supporting role in a cool cable series—she would kill it in something like Better Call Saul or Fargo, literally—but no, here she is in another throwaway midseason crapcom. In Imaginary Mary, she’s a career woman in PR (because that’s the only job for the ladies on TV) who’s love life is a mess (of course), and she has an imaginary, animated friend (voiced by Rachel Dratch). Time for a Dharma and Greg reboot, Netflix.

NCAA Basketball (Through April 1, CBS, TBS, TNT, TruTV), March madness: I filled out my brackets—when do I collect my sportsball winnings? After years of ignoring the inevitable office-wide emails about “March Madness!” I picked teams based upon color theme (UNC Wilmington has a particularly pleasing palette) and wacky-name factor (Villanova is close enough to “villain” + “nova,” while Golden Gophers and Gonzaga are self-explanatory). When someone reminded me that this is college sportsball, I then factored in each school’s academic rankings and … JK! This ain’t about grades—it’s about getting paid. Speaking of which, when again do I cash in? These columns barely cover beer runs.

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