Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (Friday, Nov. 25, Netflix), return: Do not, repeat, do not, watch all four seasonal 90-minute installments of what is technically Gilmore Girls’ eighth season in a single binge—even writer/producer Amy Sherman-Palladino doesn’t recommend it. But you’re going to anyway. This return to Stars Hollow has everything a Gilmore Girls fan could possibly want, and Lorelai (Lauren Graham) and Rory’s (Alexis Bledel) caffeinated banter hasn’t lost a beat since the end of the original WB/CW series nine years ago. Like all nostalgia wallows, however, A Year in the Life (the Netflix run’s unnecessary subtitle) has a few problems balancing ’Member This? with Here’s a New Thing! plot points. But it still hits all the feel buttons with a sentimentally deadly accuracy that lesser revivals like Netflix’s Fuller House crapfest can’t touch. Stretch it out over the Thanksgiving weekend, because this a lot of Gilmore Girls to (re)absorb, and they’re not as perfect as you remember. Except Paris (Liza Weil). She can do no wrong.

Christmas List (Friday, Nov. 25, Hallmark), movie: You know that this year’s crop of new Christmas flicks began airing in October, right? TV’s most egregious ho-ho-offender, Hallmark, is already five weeks into Santa season, and I pity the fool who has to write these plot synopses for ’em: “In Christmas List, Isobel (Alicia Witt) plans a storybook Christmas with her boyfriend, including a snow-covered cottage in the Northwest, and a carefully composed bucket list of classic holiday traditions. But when the boyfriend goes AWOL, the list proves challenging, and a tempting new romance turns her life upside-down. Will Isobel have a White Christmas ending under the mistletoe?” First, “AWOL”? Military jargon is not Christmas-y. Second, “new romance”? Isobel moved on fast.

A Heavenly Christmas (Saturday, Nov. 26, Hallmark), movie: Let’s continue the copywriter analysis with A Heavenly Christmas: “Upon her untimely death, Eve (Kristin Davis) finds herself tethered to her guardian angel (Shirley MacLaine), learning to become a Christmas angel in Heaven. Despite being the worst recruit in the history of Christmas, Eve is assigned the difficult task of helping a struggling singer, Max (Eric McCormack) use his musical gifts to heal old family wounds. As Max begins to overcome his issues, Eve begins to embrace the meaning of Christmas, heal wounds of her own and perhaps find love along the way.” OK, she’s dead, and she’s going to “find love” with a still-alive singer who’s a bit old to still be “struggling”? Kinky.

Journey Back to Christmas (Sunday, Nov. 27, Hallmark), movie: And the hits keep coming: “A World War II-era nurse (Candace Cameron Bure) is transported in time to 2016 and meets a man (Oliver Hudson) who helps her discover the bonds of family and that the true meaning of Christmas is timeless.” That sentence was written in AP Style—Ain’t Punctuating. As for the plot … huh? Is this some kind of reverse-Outlander, minus the kilts and abusive gingers? Also, the title Journey Back to Christmas implies that she’ll returning to the 1940s to possibly be blown up by Nazis, die from a minor flu bug or just be generally marginalized as a “dame.” Stay in 2016! America won’t begin devolving into The Man in the High Castle until at least Jan. 20 of next year.

Incorporated (Wednesday, Nov. 30, Syfy), series debut: So, is now the best time to introduce a sci-fi series about class warfare taken to corporate and technological extremes … or literally the worst time? Like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, the producers of Incorporated care. In this 2074-set drama, the world is split into two distinct halves: The Green Zone, a sealed corporate utopia that resembles American Psycho sponsored by the Apple Store and Ikea, wherein company loyalty is rewarded/demanded; and the Red Zone, the lawless, dirty dystopia that dozens of YA novels (and at least half of Syfy’s other programs) have warned you about. It’s slick and dazzling—so much so that Incorporated’s central story of an outsider (Sean Teale) infiltrating the Green Zone to save his girlfriend almost feels like an afterthought. Wait a minute … Green Zone … Red Zone … Christmas Incorporated?!

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Lovesick (Thursday, Nov. 17, Netflix), season premiere: The British series formerly known as Scrotal Recall returns for a second season as Lovesick. Admittedly, that’s not as catchy of a name, but how could one ever top Scrotal Recall? Dicks for the Memories? Poundtown Abbey? Doctor Strange? Anyway: Lovesick is still a romantic-ish comedy about sexually prolific Dylan (Johnny Flynn) contacting his former bedmates episode-by-episode to inform them that he has an STD; perhaps he will come across … let’s rephrase that … happen upon a Miss Right whom he may have blindly overlooked before. It’s charming-enough fluff, worth binging over the holidays after you’ve torn through Gilmore Girls, and you won’t have to explain the (new) title to the parental units.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Fridays, The CW), new season: We’ve recently learned a hard, orange lesson about trusting polls and ratings, but the numbers show that no one is watching the second season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, a musical rom-com oddity that struggled even before The CW banished it to Fridays. Too bad, because even though the songs aren’t as strong this time around—call it Flight of the Conchords syndrome—creator/producer/star Rachel Bloom is funnier and more confident than ever in the title role. In the first season, Rebecca (Bloom) left her career—and her meds—in New York City to chase old flame Josh (Vincent Rodriguez III) in strip-malled SoCal; now that she’s sorta-landed him, things are getting even weirder and more unpredictable in Season 2. Put Crazy Ex-Girlfriend in the catch-up cue before Lovesick.

The Affair (Sunday, Nov. 20, Showtime), season premiere: Still on? Really? The Affair ran out of story in its first season, and now Showtime is tossing out a third installment of The Sulking Whiteys. It all started with frustrated writer—aren’t they all?—Noah (Dominic West) boning waitress Alison (Ruth Wilson), much to the meh-smay of their respective, equally boring spouses (Maura Tierney and Joshua Jackson). For annoying measure, there are also alternate perspectives, split timelines and a whodunit murder subplot in play, all designed to excuse The Affair’s self-absorbed vanilla dullness with an “It’s Artsy!” defense. Nope. Shameless (still killing it in Season 7, BTW) deserves a better lead-out, Showtime.

Squidbillies (Sunday, Nov. 20, Adult Swim), Thanksgiving episode: Now more than ever, we need the redneck wisdom of Squidbillies. In Season 10 (!), the animated series about land-locked Deep South squids (just go with it) has been extended to include Halloween (grave-robbin’!) and Thanksgiving (dinner-fightin’!) episodes, but, sadly, there is no Christmas special—you haven’t earned it, ’Merica; maybe next year. On one hand (tentacle?), perhaps we should set aside such broad stereotypes and reach out to the conservative side of the nation to foster a new sense of unity and understanding. On the other … this shit is just too funny. Make America Squids Again!

Search Party (Monday, Nov. 21, TBS), series debut: Sometimes “dark” comedy is just code for “not necessarily funny” comedy, and there’s probably a reason TBS is blowing out Search Party over five days instead of running it for 10 weeks. When Dory (Alia Shawkat) and her insufferably shallow Brooklynite friends become caught up in the mystery of a missing college acquaintance they vaguely remember … barely anything happens. It quickly becomes apparent that these idiots wouldn’t even be able find their own asses without Google Maps, and that Search Party is a not-so-subtle commentary on directionless millennials who are armed with too much information and zero real-world experience. Edited down to a 90-minute indie-flick, this could work; the friends’ run-ins with harsh reality are hilarious, if too few and far-between. As a five-hour series, not so much.

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Better Things (Thursday, Nov. 10, FX), season finale: Like the just-wrapped Atlanta, Better Things is a comedy like no other—on FX or elsewhere. Pamela Adlon’s semi-autobiographical story of a B-level actress/saint-level mom (her daughters are the worst) delivers no overly grand statements or sitcom-wacky situations; it just makes it through another day and drops subtle, been-there wisdoms. Better Things swings from sweet to sad to snarky with an assured precision that her creative partner Louis C.K.’s Louie never quite nailed, and Adlon subverts the first impressions of her co-stars beautifully. (OK, her daughters aren’t that bad.) Hell, FX aired the 10 episodes in random order—a note to future on-demanders—and it still worked. Thank goodness the show has been renewed for a second season.

People of Earth (Mondays, TBS), new series: It’s not as instantly defined as recent TBS comedies like The Detour or Angie Tribeca (you know, as Vacation and The Naked Gun clones, respectively), but People of Earth at least has ex-Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac, which is a hell of a start. Cenac plays a New York City journalist dispatched to a small upstate town to interview an alien-abductee support group, and investigate “extraterrestrial activity” in the area. It’s a quirky enough setting—like Parks and Recreation with Lexapro dumped in the water supply—but People of Earth leans more weird than funny, and the characters are even less fleshed out than those of TBS’ weakest new sitcom, Wrecked. But, as I always say about TBS: At least it’s not another King of Queens rerun.

Good Behavior (Tuesday, Nov. 15, TNT), series debut: Whereas Animal Kingdom, TNT’s first bid for grit-drama cred, was mostly bark and little bite, the rebranding network’s new Good Behavior has teeth. Not-so-lovable loser Letty Dobesh (Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey) is fresh out of prison and low on prospects when she hooks up with a magnetic hit man (Juan Diego Botto) who’ll most likely derail her already-shaky plans for getting straight (well, him and the drugs). Like Cinemax’s fantastic (and novel-based—writing matters, people) Quarry, Good Behavior takes a boilerplate crime-noir setup and twists it into unexpected shapes, going deeper than usual TNT fare. Dockery and Botto are transfixing to watch, and director Charlotte Sieling (who also helmed Queen of the South’s similarly impressive pilot) brings the sweat of the South alive. Yes, now there’s another show you need to watch.

Sweet/Vicious (Tuesday, Nov. 15, MTV), series debut: Intentions were good-ish: Sorority girl Jules (Eliza Bennett) and outcast computer-punk Ophelia (Taylor Dearden) team up to beat down sexual predators on their college campus; think Kick-Ass filtered through Jezebel. It’s a heavy balance to strike, avenging rape survivors and dropping post-feminist snark (not to mention keeping up on classwork—vigilantes should be sponsored by Red Bull), and Sweet/Vicious’ Serious Issues half isn’t yet as compelling as its Violent Fun half. Still, credit first-time creator/writer Jennifer Robinson and MTV for hitting on a hot topic while it’s timely, instead of five years from now in a tossed-off Law and Order: SVU episode. Of course the soundtrack rocks—MTV hasn’t completely lost its touch.

Ice (Wednesday, Nov. 16, Audience/DirecTV), series debut: Crackle’s The Art of More, a star-studded drama about high-end art crime, streams its second season today, and now DirecTV’s Audience network is debuting Ice, a star-studded drama about diamond thieves. Is there a new 1 Percenter TV trend that I missed? Anyway: Freddy (Jeremy Sisto) puts his family diamond business—and his family—in jeopardy when he kills a connected rival gem dealer; now it’s up to his half-brother Jake (Cam Gigandet) to save his ass from a ruthless diamond-cartel crime boss (Donald Sutherland). Violence, sex and shiny-object fondling ensue, but who needs to add this “meh” trinket to an already overstuffed Too Much TV cue? And why wasn’t it titled On the Rocks?

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The Great Indoors (Thursday, Oct. 27, CBS), series debut: Well, this is uncomfortably familiar: Outdoor-adventure magazine editor Jack (Joel McHale) returns from—what else?—an adventure, only to find that the print arm of his company has been put out of its dwindling misery, and he’s now in charge of cranking out “web content” with the “digital daycare division.” Everybody knows that print is dead (pause for audible sigh from this tabloid’s publisher … and … moving on). The Great Indoors is just an excuse for hack gen-x sitcom writers to lazily mock millennials, and a waste of McHale as a snarky shadow of his former Community self. Besides, we gen-xers need to just lay off millennials and concentrate on making fun the real enemy: baby boomers.

Pure Genius (Thursday, Oct. 27, CBS), series debut: A tech billionaire (Augustus Prew) enlists a maverick doctor (Dermot Mulroney—not Dylan McDermott) for his cutting-edge Silicon Valley hospital to treat “incurable” patients for free—yes, it’s another medical drama, but with a Feel the Bern! twist. But as with Code Black and pretty much every other drama on its schedule, there’s no potentially “new” idea that CBS can’t turn into a snooze that’s demo-targeted at baby boomers. (Not a theme this week, just the truth, man.) Creator/writer/producer Jason Katims injects moments of his missed Parenthood heart and humor into this tech-healthcare wet dream, but can’t quite overpower Pure Genius’ preachiness and self-importance (not to mention Mulroney actually uttering the phrase “gadgets and gizmos”).

Tracey Ullman’s Show (Friday, Oct. 28, HBO), series debut: British comic actress Tracey Ullman headlined the then-brand-new Fox network’s second series in 1987 after Married … With Children, and birthed The Simpsons (not literally—short features from The Tracey Ullman Show were eventually spun off into the animated series). More than 30 years and dozens of TV projects later (including the should-been-bigger 2008-10 Showtime series Tracey Ullman’s State of the Union, the piss-take ’Merica could really use right now), Ullman is still as unstoppable of a comedic force as ever. Tracey Ullman’s Show is a BBC series that’s being rebroadcast by HBO, featuring a somewhat more serialized storyline than her previous strictly sketch shows, and a Euro-famous Angela Merkel impersonation that may be lost on Yanks.

The Fall (Saturday, Oct. 29, Netflix), season premiere: U.K. crime drama The Fall has smoldered, twisted and teased for two brief seasons, with Det. Stella Gibson (Gillian Anderson) tracking down serial killer Paul Spector (Jamie Dornan) in Belfast, Ireland. Though Spector was—spoiler!—gunned down upon capture at the end of last season, it’s a no-brainer that the literal lady-killer (women looove him; Dornan’s carving out quite the career as Mr. Deadly Dreamboat) is back for Season 3, with a possible exoneration looming as The Fall heads to the courtroom. Tense-sexy (tensexy?) parries between cop and killer are standard psychological-thriller fare, but Anderson and Dornan sell Allan Cubitt’s tight, if occasionally slow, scripting brilliantly. In typical Brit fashion, The Fall’s six-episode third season may well be its last—you know what to do.

Stan Against Evil (Monday, Oct. 31, IFC), series debut: Comparisons to Starz’s bloody-fantastic Ash vs. Evil Dead (currently slaying in Season 2) are inevitable, but Stan Against Evil is a different middle-aged-dude-battling-hell animal. First of all, it’s less gory, because 1. IFC is basic-ish cable, and 2. Ash vs. Evil Dead has severely depleted the nation’s fake blood supplies. Also, Stan (John C. McGinley) is far less gonzo than Ash; he’s just the retired sheriff of a small New England town (which happens to be built on the site of a 17th century witch burning, of course) reluctantly dragged back into action to help fight a demon uprising alongside his replacement (Janet Varney). McGinley’s over-it delivery is deadpan perfect, putting Stan Against Evil more in-line with Shaun of the Dead than Evil Dead. Happy Halloween! Regular timeslot: Wednesdays, beginning Nov. 2.

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Black Mirror (Friday, Oct. 21, Netflix), season premiere: Charlie Brooker’s near-futuristic Black Mirror anthology series has been creeping out both technophobes and technophiles since 2011, kicking off with an episode wherein the prime minister of Britain was forced to have sex with a pig on live TV. (That seems quaint given our own Election 2016 cycle, doesn’t it?) The series’ third season is only slightly less pessimistic about today’s/tomorrow’s oversharing online society; one out of the six episodes actually highlights some positive, non-horrific application of smartphone tech, so that’s … something. Among the doomed digerati of Season 3 are Bryce Dallas Howard, James Norton, Mackenzie Davis, Eve Alice, Wyatt Russell and Hannah John-Kamen, starring in a swath of stories that subtly filter film genres through a “Social Media Can and Will Kill You” narrative. At least there are no pigs this time around.

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (Saturday, Oct. 22, BBC America), series debut: Even if you’ve read the Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) novels upon which Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency is based, it’s difficult to explain just what in the hell’s going on here; “sheer madness with a chewy mystery in the middle” seems too simple, but it’s a start. American Ultra/Chronicle writer Max Landis brings the tale of kinda-detective Dirk Gently (Samuel Barnett, Penny Dreadful) and his certainly-not-Watson partner Todd (Elijah Wood, Wilfred) to crackling, chaotic life—so much so that it seems the action might spin right off the screen at any moment. Unlike Black Mirror, Dirk Gently celebrates the connectedness of all people and things (hence, “holistic detective”), even when there’s danger afoot (hence, a “holistic assassin”).

Dream Corp, LLC (Sunday, Oct 23, Adult Swim), series debut: Premiering after the Season 3 (!) return of the hilariously bizarre Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell (it’s Office Space in hell, and the boss is Satan—yes, we’ve all been there), Adult Swim’s new Dream Corp, LLC could the network’s most blatant “Let’s not pretend we’re not all watching this high at 3 a.m.” pitch yet. A wild-haired Jon Gries (Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite!) stars as Dr. Roberts, head of the titular psychotherapeutic lab where he and his equally sketchy team analyze the traumatic dreams of patients. That’s essentially the plot; the rest of Dream Corp, LLC is brain-twisting, hallucinogenic visual F/X rendered in rotoscope (animation over live-action film). It all makes about as much sense as USA’s dream-centric drama Falling Water, but gets it done in less than 15 minutes.

Man With a Plan (Monday, Oct. 24, CBS), series debut: Matt LeBlanc joins fellow Friend Matthew Perry in CBS Sitcom Hell, and while nothing could be as mind-numbingly awful as Perry’s The Odd Couple or Kevin James’ Kevin Can Wait (yes, 2 Broke Girls is now the Eyeball net’s smartest Monday comedy—this is where we are now, ’Merica), Man With a Plan is definitely a contender in the race to the bottom. In this laugh-tracked throwaway, LeBlanc plays a blue-collar dad who agrees to stay home with his children while his wife (Liza Snyder, replacing the wisely fled Jenna Fischer) returns to work. Guess what? The kids are a nightmare! Dad’s in over his head! Mom says, “Told ya so!” There’s not a joke here that can’t be seen coming from 85 miles away! Look up LeBlanc’s meta-funny Showtime series Episodes instead; it’s best to remember him that way.

Rectify (Wednesday, Oct. 26, Sundance), season premiere: The first three seasons of Rectify are currently available on Netflix; before this fourth and final run ends, I’d recommend starting there … patiently. Rectify follows the existential struggle of Daniel Holden (Aden Young), a man released after serving 19 years in prison for rape and murder. New DNA evidence got him out of the joint, though it’s still not clear whether he committed the crime or not—and it may never be revealed by the end, according to creator/producer Ray McKinnon. The residents of his small Georgia hometown have divergent, occasionally violent opinions; the same goes within his own family (including his stalwart-defender sister, fantastically played by Abigail Spencer, Rectify’s true heartbreaking center). Warning: Rectify moves ssslllooowwwly, and Daniel’s guilt or innocence isn’t the point of the story. Enjoy!

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Falling Water (Thursday, Oct. 13, USA), series debut: In the time of Too Many Shows, it’s almost suicidal to drop a new series that won’t get to the damned point by the middle of the first episode; USA needs to hook ’em fast, because viewers have a dozen other choices tonight (except for Notorious, which still sucks). Falling Water follows three seemingly unrelated people (Lizzie Brochere, David Ajala and Will Yun Lee) who come to realize that they’re all dreaming parts of the same dream, and said dream relates to “the fate of the world.” How? That’s annoyingly unclear, but the three are definitely dreaming—so much so that it’s impossible to tell what’s “real,” but at least the imagery is gorgeous. (If you have access to 4K HD and “herbal” medication, you’ll probably enjoy this more than most.) Falling Water has nine more episodes to establish a plot; otherwise, there likely won’t be more to come.

Goliath (Friday, Oct. 14, Amazon Prime), series debut: Yes, I’ve been complaining about the glut of new legal dramas this season … However! The potential of the combo of David E. Kelley (finally venturing into the streaming realm) and Billy Bob Thornton (sorely missed from episodic TV since Fargo Season 1) is too rich to ignore. As beaten-down Los Angeles lawyer William McBride, Thornton more than delivers, and Goliath, set against the classic-noir backdrop of seedy Los Angeles, is a stick-it-to-The-Man legal saga that echoes Better Call Saul and the late, great Terriers. McBride, on the edge of abandoning the legal system in favor of just drinking himself to death, is hell-bent on one last takedown—his former partner (William Hurt), a power-tripping shark using his corporate influence to cover up a murder and who-knows-what else. It’s a familiar trope, but Thornton and Kelley play it so well that it’s easy to forgive them for not using Goliath’s killer supporting cast (including Maria Bello, Molly Parker and Olivia Thirlby) to fuller effect.

Haters Back Off (Friday, Oct. 14, Netflix), series debut: Depending upon your tolerance level for YouTube star Miranda Sings (Colleen Ballinger), Netflix’s Haters Back Off is either a brilliant, inevitable expansion of her digital reach, or an inexplicably annoying excuse for comedy (i.e. you’re old—go watch Longmire again). Ballinger’s Miranda character is a satire of self-absorbed, tone-deaf YouTube “singers” desperate for fame, so creating a backstory around her (which includes The Office’s Angela Kinsey as her mother, and Eastbound and Down’s Steve Little as her far-too-supportive uncle) could bring the whole meta roof crashing down. Then again, there’s some undeniably funny writing here (“Are you an alto or a soprano?” “I’m American!”), and Ballinger dominates any size of screen she’s on, so it’s probably best not to overthink Haters Back Off. Besides, no Millennials are reading this, anyway … right?

Eyewitness (Sunday, Oct. 16, USA), series debut: Since there are, as previously stated, Too Many Shows, do you really need a crime thriller about a pair of teenage boys trying to hide their taboo relationship and stay one step ahead of a murderer whom they witnessed in the act at a remote cabin? If Eyewitness were even half as intense as the Norwegian series upon which it’s based, I’d be inclined to say, “Kanskje.” But, as with umbrellas and black metal, some things are just done better in Norway.

Chance (Wednesday, Oct. 19, Hulu), series debut: Hugh Laurie is back on TV (well, Hulu) as a doctor—but Dr. House, he ain’t. In Chance, he’s Dr. Eldon Chance, a forensic neuropsychiatrist whose treatment of a patient with possible multiple personalities (Gretchen Mol) becomes a bit too intimate for the liking of her abusive police-detective husband (Paul Adelstein). It sounds like the setup for a throwaway Lifetime movie, but Chance is a layered psychological thriller more in line with British imports like The Fall and Marcella, with even-seedier stories happening outside the margins and a surprisingly terrifying performance from ex-My Name Is Earl goofball Ethan Suplee. It may (or may not) be wise to also mention that Chance comes from novelist/screenwriter Kem Nunn, the man who created HBO’s most divisive drama ever, John From Cincinnati … but there it is.

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Divorce (Sunday, Oct. 9, HBO), series debut: Hopeless romantic Carrie Bradshaw is dead; meet Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker), a far-less-perky shadow of her former Sex and the City self. HBO’s new dark comedy Divorce delivers exactly what the title implies: 10 episodes of Frances and husband Robert (Thomas Haden Church) doing their damnedest to separate, or reconcile, or just figure out why and how they should do either. Like another of creator Sharon Horgan’s series, cult British import Catastrophe, it’s as messy as it is funny, and Parker and Church are fantastically nimble at darting between emotional states and situations. Unlike similarly black-to-absurd-and-back comedy You’re the Worst, however, Divorce doesn’t always work when the focus is off the central pair: Molly Shannon and Tracy Letts don’t add much as Frances and Robert’s married friends. (Hell, Church’s mustache is a more fully developed character than either of them.) Still, Divorce is unique, and potentially addictive—and as weirdly compatible with Westworld as anyone could imagine.

Supergirl (Monday, Oct. 10, The CW), season premiere: Moving to a smaller network and filming cheaper in Vancouver means we’ll see a lot less of Calista Flockhart’s charmingly abrasive media boss Cat Grant in the second season of CBS outcast Supergirl, but so what? They’ve got a Superman! Clark Kent (Tyler Hoechlin) finally pays a visit to National City cousin Kara/Supergirl (Melissa Benoist) in the season opener, and fortunately, his Superman isn’t the broody bummer of the Zack Snyder movies; he’s more like Kara in terms of sunny temperament, if not faux eyewear. Really, other than moving the governmental DEO from its cave headquarters to a more Canadian above-ground space (no, not a hockey arena—enough with the stereotypes, eh?) and less Cat (and the CatCo offices), this is still the same Supergirl. Bring on the crossovers!

American Housewife (Tuesday, Oct. 11, ABC), series debut: Enough with just defaulting to “American ______” every time a network is stuck for a title (though Kiefer Sutherland’s clunkily-named Designated Survivor probably would have worked better as American Political Hack Who Didn’t Get Blow’d Up). American Housewife was originally called The Second Fattest Housewife in Westport, but … yeah. Anyway: Katy Mixon (Mike and Molly, Eastbound and Down) stars as an average wife and mom dealing with the upper-crusters of Connecticut suburbia—which means American Housewife is yet another sunny-snarky ABC family sitcom with a killer cast (which also includes Diedrich Bader and Ali Wong), but there is little else to distinguish it from the pack. Except for maybe the burning question, “So who’s the first fattest housewife in Westport?”

Frequency (Wednesdays, The CW), new series: This is a remake of the 2000 movie, this time with a female cop (Peyton List) connecting with her dead-cop dad in the past through a ham radio. (Thanks for not updating it to a haunted Snapchat app, CW.) As with NBC’s new Timeless—and, the most cautionary continuum-chaos tale of them all, Hot Tub Time Machine—screwing with the past can create serious consequences in the present, but the daughter can’t stop herself from saving her father from an undercover sting operation gone bad back in 1996—hence, drama. Frequency seemingly has plenty of material to work with within its police procedural + overarching conspiracy framework. (iZombie has pulled it off well for a couple of seasons now.) But there are no superheroes here, so …

Criminal Minds (Wednesdays, CBS), new season: Thomas Gibson was booted from Criminal Minds, a series he’s starred in since 2005, over the summer, reportedly for being a dick—something I’d not previously considered a fire-able offense in the creative field. This news has me very concerned. Tonight’s episode is the first filmed without his FBI team leader “Hotch,” but since CM has one of the best ensemble casts on TV, surviving more player departures and arrivals than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Donald Trump’s campaign combined, they’ll be fine. Plus, Gibson’s 86ing (as well as the cancellation of Fox’s Grandfathered) has cleared the way for the full-time return of fan-favorite Prentiss (Paget Brewster) to the Behavior Analysis Unit, so all is right in the world. Except for those missing and likely now-dismembered women the BAU is tracking, of course.

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Marvel’s Luke Cage (Friday, Sept. 30, Netflix), series debut: No, I don’t know what the Netflix/Marvel release schedule is anymore, either, but here are Luke Cage; Iron Fist, The Punisher, more Daredevil and Jessica Jones, and the long-teased Defenders will show up eventually. Luke “Power Man” Cage (Mike Colter) is now a few months removed from the events of Jessica Jones, relocated to Harlem and trying to lead as normal of a life as a mega-strong, bullet-proof, street-level superhero can. He’s soon drawn into a soul-of-the-neighborhood battle with a charismatic gangster (Mahershala Ali, House of Cards), which only sounds like Daredevil’s debut season. Luke Cage was Marvel’s first-ever black headliner in the ’70s; appropriately, this series is the most ’70s, the most New York, and the most straight-up black entry into the modern Marvel cinematic universe yet. It’s also a worthy follow-up to Daredevil and Jessica Jones—you’re three-for-three, Netflix. Now don’t ruin Iron Fist, or whatever’s next.

Westworld (Sunday, Oct. 2, HBO), series debut: HBO is spending a hell of a lot of money on what the network hopes—really, really hopes—is its next Game of Thrones, while anyone who actually remembers the original 1973 sci-fi cheeseball Westworld (and the lame 1976 sequel Futureworld, and the lamer 1980 TV series Beyond Westworld) is thinking “Uh, why?” This new Westworld is smarter, sleeker and more terrifying than its origin flick, setting up a near-future resort wherein tourists pay $40,000 a day to play frontier cowboy, knocking back whiskey at the saloon and riding horses on the range, as well as shooting up cyber-townsfolk in gunfights and generally abusing them for kicks. (In case you needed a reminder, humans are just the worst.) As Jurassic Park, Ex-Machina and countless robot-uprising tales have taught us, this won’t end well. Westworld is also as thoughtful as it is frightful, portraying the welling “humanity” and consciousness within the synth-slaves even better than AMC’s Humans did last year. Once you get past the pilot episode (which is somewhat long and slow; patience), you may not care about dragons anymore.

Conviction (Monday, Oct. 3, ABC), series debut: Glam lawyer and ex-first daughter Hayes Morrison (Hayley Atwell, Marvel’s Agent Carter), to avoid jail time for a cocaine bust, casually takes a job turning over possible wrongful-conviction cases for the less-glam … because that’s totally how the legal system works. Will sparks fly with her sexy new boss (Eddie Cahill), her former courtroom nemesis? Will Hayes begin to—gasp!—care about people other than herself? Will Atwell ever master an American accent? Shaky dialect aside, Atwell offers a strong presence, and she is surrounded by solid players (including The Walking Dead’s Emily Kinney and The Following’s Shawn Ashmore), but Conviction is just another pretty legal drama that’s waaay beneath Peggy Carter.

Timeless (Monday, Oct. 3, NBC), series debut: A scientist (Malcolm Barrett), a soldier (Matt Lanter) and a history professor (Abigail Spencer) chase a time-terrorist (Goran Visnjic) through the ages to stop him from altering the past and destroying present-day America. (As for the rest of the world, who cares?) Timeless is really just a dumb-fun Syfy-style action-adventure series trying to pass itself off as a gravitas-laden drama delivering Important Historical Lessons (this country used to be even more racist, sexist, etc.); it works as long as you don’t take it too seriously. No, the big event of the pilot episode isn’t a Led Zeppelin album-cover shoot—it’s the crash of the Hindenburg! See? You’re learning already.

No Tomorrow (Tuesday, Oct. 4, The CW), series debut: Uptight Evie (Tori Anderson) falls for a free spirit, Xavier (Joshua Sasse), who believes the world is ending in eight months. Is he as crazy as he is dreamy? Does it really matter if Xavier can help Evie get her YOLO on through his … “apocolyst” … of stuff he wants to do before his maybe-imagined asteroid wipes out the planet? Sasse and Anderson are charming enough, and it’s nice to see that The CW hasn’t totally forgotten about the portion of its audience who don’t care about DC superheroes, but No Tomorrow doesn’t seem built for the long haul. If a final episode wherein the asteroid does destroy the earth has already been written, however, I’m absolutely on board. (Did I mention that humans are just the worst?)

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Notorious (Thursday, Sept. 22, ABC), series debut: A really, really, really ridiculously good-looking lawyer (Daniel Sunjata) and really, really, really ridiculously good-looking news producer (Piper Perabo) delve into “the unique, sexy and dangerous interplay of criminal law and the media” in a beyond-stoopid mash-up of The Newsroom and Law and Order with a vanilla title. (Considering its other useless new legal drama, Conviction, it’s like ABC isn’t even trying.) Notorious is based on a real-life behind-the-scenes media/law relationship that existed on ye olde Larry King Live, upping the “Who Gives a Shit?” quotient by 10. Don’t worry; Scandal will be back before anyone notices.

Pitch (Thursday, Sept. 22, Fox), series debut: Female pitcher Ginny Baker (Kylie Bunbury) is called up to play Major League Baseball for the San Diego Padres because shut up you sexist troll; it could totally happen, and why do you hate stories about strong women making their way in a man’s world? Pure intentions and Bunbury’s impressive performance aside, Pitch isn’t the statement-making pinnacle of the fall season that Fox wants it to be, and definitely not the 10-season journey that co-creator Dan Fogelman envisions: It’s an overanxious, overacted mess that will probably annoy feminists and baseball fans alike—common ground for disparate camps! Mission accomplished?

MacGyver (Friday, Sept. 23, CBS), series debut: Despite a few done-to-death spy-ops clichés (bickering about old missions gone wrong, hiring quirky-hot criminal hackers, playing dress-up at the gala, etc.), the CBS reboot of 1985-1992 series MacGyver delivers a surprisingly fast and fun pilot episode—one down, 12 to go. It’s also inconsequential covert fluff that makes 2010’s MacGruber takeoff look like The Bourne Identity, but, c’mon, it’s Friday night. Lucas Till may look too young to be this accomplished at, well, MacGyvering, but he’s charming as hell, and co-star George Eads provides unexpected comic relief after all those years of CSI grimacing. Speaking of CSI: Is it necessary to apply slick graphics and labels to every object MacGyver 2.0 manipulates? We can recognize a paper clip without a freeze frame.

The Exorcist (Friday, Sept. 23, Fox), series debut: Remember A&E’s quickly failed Damien series? Neither does Fox. The Exorcist, of course, is based on the iconic 1973 horror film that managed to wrap up a hellacious case of demonic possession in about two hours; Fox has 13 hours to fill. When young, skeptical Father Tomas (Alfonso Herrera) and haggard, consumed Father Keane (Ben Daniels) convene/collide in Chicago to investigate an evil household presence (keep your mother-in-law jokes to yourself), the result is spooky, atmospheric and … not much else. The result is kind of a letdown, considering that this is THE EXORCIST and all. Cue up Cinemax’s satanically superior Outcast instead.

Van Helsing (Friday, Sept. 23, Syfy), series debut: You may have caught the first episode of Van Helsing when Syfy snuck in a surprise preview of the new action-drama after Sharknado 4 in July—or not, because, Sharknado. This vampire hunter is a woman (Vanessa Van Helsing, played by Kelly Overton), but that’s not the only twist: Vamps in this universe age; they can be turned back to human by being bitten by Helsing (!); and VH’s showrunner is divisive film director Neil LaBute. It all works; Van Helsing is Syfy’s best-yet entry in its comeback line of sci-fi dramas led by ass-kicking females, improving on recent winners like Wynonna Earp, Killjoys, Dark Matter and The Magicians. Now let’s take a moment to forget that Hugh Jackman movie …

Channel Zero, Aftermath (Tuesday, Sept. 27, Syfy), series debut: If the current season of American Horror Story isn’t creepy enough for you, here’s Channel Zero, a new anthology series based on tales of creepypasta (Internet urban legends); first up is “Candle Cove,” wherein a man digs up increasingly disturbing memories of a kiddie TV show from his childhood. How bad could it be? How about a flesh-eating skeleton puppet and a child made entirely of teeth? Channel Zero’s implied terror and imagery is more effective than its dramatic execution, and the same goes for its Tuesday-night companion, Aftermath, which is yet another supernatural-apocalypse series—but this time, it’s about family! Mom is Anne Heche, so just bring on The End already.

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High Maintenance (Friday, Sept. 16, HBO), series debut: Unapologetically bipolar comedies (half-hours that lean a bit too heavy to be “dramedies”) are apparently the thing this season, and along with Donald Glover’s Atlanta, High Maintenance essentially defines them. The former Web series—created, written and directed by wife-and-husband team Katja Blichfeld and Ben Sinclair, about New York City weed dealer The Guy (played by Sinclair)—looks like just another stoner-com from the outside, but it’s deeper than that. The Guy, who’s the only constant of the series, is the thread between a roster of clients who are both comically bizarre (like the deceptively dim bros we meet first) and tragically human (seemingly stereotypical gay-guy/straight-girl BFFs Max and Lainey, the meat of the pilot episode’s story). The pair’s bitchy repartee soon takes a dark turn into co-dependency hell that’s as bitter as it is funny; maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the veiled pathos of Will and Grace. High Maintenance is too layered to watch, well, high; hold off for 30 minutes, perhaps.

The Good Place (Monday, Sept. 19, NBC), series debut: Now-dead Eleanor (Kristen Bell) tries to be a better-ish person with the help of an “afterlife mentor” (Ted Danson). NBC has been promoting the … hell? … out of The Good Place, and Bell and Danson are an unbeatable comic combo, but this might be too wonderfully weird for network TV. Watch hard; watch fast.

Kevin Can Wait (Monday, Sept. 19, CBS), series debut: Former awful sitcom star Kevin James returns from awful movies with an awful new family sitcom—it’ll probably run for 10 seasons on CBS. In Kevin Can Wait … gawd, even the title sucks … James plays a recently retired beat cop who finds that life at home with the family is exactly like a sitcom from the ’80s. Again, 10 seasons.

This Is Us (Tuesday, Sept. 20, NBC), series debut: The closest thing to a straight-up family drama on broadcast anymore has been CBS’ Life in Pieces—and that’s a half-hour comedy. This Is Us is a gorgeously written, filmed and acted capital-letters Family Drama with a mildly quirky plot hook; it’s a smart and grown-up alternative to everything else on Tuesdays. Thanks for trying, NBC.

Bull (Tuesday, Sept. 20, CBS), series debut: Michael Weatherly jumped off the NCIS money train for this? Bull, based on “Dr.” Phil’s early days as a trial consultant, is the latest case of When Legal Dramas Happen to Good Actors (an epidemic this season), as the likable Weatherly is wasted in a rote procedural amongst pretty, interchangeable lawyer-models. And, no mustache?

Lethal Weapon (Wednesday, Sept. 21, Fox), series debut: Riggs (Clayne Crawford, Rectify) and Murtaugh (Damon Wayans Sr.) are back! Uh, why? To paraphrase Murtaugh, Crawford is too good for this shit, and it would have been great to see him in something original, something better, just something … else. Imagine if TV turned Speed into a series—that would be more sustainable.

Designated Survivor (Wednesday, Sept. 21, ABC), series debut: When you ask, “What could be worse than choosing between Clinton and Trump?” you get Designated Survivor: After a deadly attack on Washington D.C., a low-level cabinet member (Kiefer Sutherland) becomes the president of the United States. DS has action and drama to burn, but why didn’t Jack Bauer save the real president? Hey, wait a minute …

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