Last updateFri, 03 Apr 2020 5pm

You’re out of a job. You’ve been stuck inside for weeks. You’ve re-watched Tiger King so many times that you’re starting to ask, “What was the crime here? Loving big cats and the Seth Wadley Auto Group too much? Free Joe Exotic!”

Shut-in delirium can only countered with new streams of entertainment—preferably at no extra cost, because that gub’ment check will only go so far.

This month, streaming TV services Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, Showtime, CBS All Access, Shudder, Sundance Now, Acorn TV and Urban Movie Channel have extended their free-trial windows to 30 days. New streamer Quibi will let you have up to 90 days free, which is nearly enough time to figure out, “What the fuck is a Quibi?”

Beyond all that: There are also plenty of totally free, no-strings streaming TV apps out there to take advantage of through Roku, Amazon Fire TV, Apple TV, Chromecast or however you stream (laptops and phones, too). Content Shifter has rounded up 12 for your quarantine needs.

Pluto TV: What was originally just an odd app with a never-ending Mystery Science Theater 3000 loop and a few other iffy feeds (like the Conspiracy Channel—maybe avoid it right now?) has exploded into a rainbow of free TV, movies, docs, music, sports and doggos. (Yes, Dogs 24/7—you need it right now.) Pluto TV was seemingly pre-designed for broke homebodies … conspiracy?

Crackle: Crackle has been around for more than 15 years—and you’ve still never clicked on that orange button. It streams hundreds of old-to-semi-recent movies and TV shows, as well as a handful of originals like tech thriller StartUp, dumb comedy Ski Master Academy, and the sequel no one asked for, Joe Dirt 2. Crackle also has both The Net (1995 film) and The Net (1998 series)!

Tubi: With thousands of movies, TV series and a surprisingly loaded music section (as well as all three Decline of Western Civilization docs!), Tubi is like the last Blockbuster Video at the edge of the world. For every familiar title (Donnie Darko, Minority Report) there are hundreds of obscurities (like 2017 Russian superhero anomaly Guardians), not to mention the Rock of Love oeuvre.

Roku Channel: If your streaming device of choice is a Roku (the unofficial streamer of Content Shifter … still waiting on that endorsement deal), the Roku Channel has stacks of movies, TV series, kids’ stuff, fitness programs and an unhealthy mix of reality shows. (Trees and Forest meditation? Sure. Diagnosis Unknown? No thanks.) Minus a Roku, the Channel works in a web browser.

Shout! Factory TV: A cult-flick aficionado’s digital dream, Shout! Factory TV is stuffed with cheesy action and exploitation “classics” like Bloodfist (parts 1-8!), Cyberzone (space bounty hunter tracks down android hookers!), and Neon Maniacs (self-explanatory), among hundreds of others. If your objective is to shut off your brain, Shout! Factory TV works like a vodka and valium tonic.

Comet: Speaking of sci-fi goodness, Comet is a space-centric channel that broadcasts to rabbit ears (‘member them?) and streams simultaneously. The movies are schlock standards (Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Futureworld, etc.), but the TV series are solid: Battlestar Galactica (the good one), Stargate SG-1, and the underrated ’70s Night Gallery, among others.

Adult Swim: There are well more than 100 original series from the past 20 years available on the Adult Swim app—and a few don’t even require herbal abetment (very few). Currently, AS is streaming full seasons of quintessential series like Metalocalypse, Squidbillies, and the immortal Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule, plus newer shows like Tim and Eric’s sitcom takedown Beef House.

The CW: Unlike most other TV networks, The CW makes all of its shows available to stream the day after broadcast for free—even Dynasty, a reboot no one can prove actually exists. Full seasons to date are available for some newer series, like Batwoman (worth checking out), Nancy Drew (ditto) and Katy Keene (another show of questionable existence). Beats an antenna.

CW Seed: The CW’s secondary streamer, CW Seed, is home to some legit classics that never even aired on the network: Schitt’s Creek, Pushing Daisies, Constantine, Girlfriends, and others. CW Seed also features a few flops that are still good for a laugh, like Hellcats (clashing cheerleaders!), Moonlight (sexy vampire detective!) and Sinbad (not the comic who didn’t play a ‘90s genie).

WhoHaha: Women aren’t funny? Get the fuck outta here. Actress/director Elizabeth Banks created WhoHaha as a “Funny or Die for girls” in 2015, accepting submissions from indie female comics and curating the content. Like Funny or Die, not every digital short lands, but WhoHaha series like Untidy With Marie Kondo (not really Kondo) and No Chill are uniquely hilarious.

Night Flight: Way back in the ’80s, a weekend cable show called Night Flight kept millions of rockers, stoners and outcasts indoors with a slapdash mix of rock ’n’ roll kicks, cult-flick imagery and subliminal anarchy. The Night Flight app recaptures it, but only a portion for free (access to the full library is $40 annually—anarchy costs in 2020). Still, a taste of a rad flashback ain’t bad.

Red Bull TV: The outdoors were pretty cool, from what I remember. Red Bull TV goes to extremes with mountain biking, skateboarding, surfing, snowboarding, skiing and some insane shit called “ice cross” that’s essentially frozen Rollerball. It’s all high-quality video immersion with little in-your-face Red Bull advertising; check it out to re-familiarize yourself with air and weather.

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In the winter of 1997, great American sketch series Mr. Show With Bob and David revealed the true secret of thespianism: “All acting is, is jumping up and down and screaming a lot.”

I drop this bit of knowledge not to entice you to watch Mr. Show (though you totally should, on HBO Now), but to warn you that Adam Sandler’s inexplicably acclaimed Uncut Gems arrives on VOD this month. Film critics … what the hell?

Anyway: Here are seven TV series that are actually worth streaming in March, the lamest of the winter months. It’s not cold; it’s not warm; assholes are drinking green beer … again, what the hell?

Better Call Saul (Seasons 1-4 on Netflix; Season 5 on AMC): Speaking of Mr. Show, can we take a beat to appreciate Bob Odenkirk? Yes, everyone on Breaking Bad prequel Better Call Saul is fantastic—Rhea Seehorn in particular—but Odenkirk’s Jimmy/Saul is THE performance of the Bad universe. (Sorry, Heisenberg.) Few crime sagas are as steeped in raw humanity as Better Call Saul; do yourself a favor, and dive in this month.

High Fidelity (Season 1 on Hulu): Nick Hornby’s 1995 book and the nearly-too-late 2000 movie don’t hold up in 2020—think about it if you’re asking, “Why do we need a new High Fidelity?” The record store (“No CDs”) now belongs to 20-something Rob (Zoe Kravitz), and this iteration is less toxic, more inclusive and just warmer. There’s nothing wrong with a playlist where Lescop and Frank Zappa can co-exist.

Hunters (Season 1 on Prime Video): Critics and Jewish historians alike are appalled by Hunters, a comically bloody fantasy about 1970s New York City Nazi killers—but, as show creator David Weil politely replied, “It’s not a documentary.” (I would have added, “Suck it, fun police.”) Hunters’ pulp fiction is highly Tarantino-ized but features minimal scenery-chewing from Al Pacino. It’s that unpredictable.

Devs (Season 1 on Hulu): Nick Offerman steals the Wig of Shame trophy from The Witcher in Devs, a twisty thriller from Alex Garland (Ex Machina, Annihilation). Software engineer Lily (Sonoya Mizuno) suspects that her company’s CEO (Offerman) had her boyfriend “suicided,” and soon uncovers a sinister tech conspiracy. (Aren’t they all?) The first two episodes premiere March 5, with one episode being released on each of the six following Thursdays. Garland has eight hours to blow your mind, and he will.

Black Monday (Seasons 1-2 on Showtime): Season 1 was a fictionalized, dark-comedy countdown to the stock market crash of 1987, or Black Monday—why continue? Because the cast (Don Cheadle, Regina Hall, Paul Scheer and a yacht-load of comic pros) is too damned good. Season 2 (premiering March 15) follows the fallout on Wall Street, which somehow produces even more obscene wealth and cocaine.

Westworld (Seasons 1-3 on HBO Now): Remember Westworld? It’s been almost two years since Season 2 dropped a megaton of unnerving info about synthetic humans and also set a few loose in the unsuspecting “real” world. Season 3 (premiering March 15) expands the robo-drama beyond its cowboy confines, and we so deserve it—as Futurama’s Bender once said, “You meatbags had your chance.”

Brockmire (Seasons 1-3 on Hulu; Season 4 on IFC): The first two seasons of Brockmire followed the gonzo exploits of alcoholic ex-MLB baseball announcer Jim Brockmire (Hank Azaria); the third sobered him up but sacrificed no profane hilarity. Season 4 (premiering March 18) goes for broke by fast-forwarding to 2035 and naming Jim the commissioner of Major League Baseball (!). Just in time for President Ivanka’s second term, cool.

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Like you, I was on the fence about the whole “The world ended in 2012, and we’ve been existing in an eff’dup alternate reality ever since” theory. But then the resurrection of the XFL was announced, so there’s no denying it: This is another dimension, and it is OFF.

For those unaware, the XFL was an “xtreme” football league launched by World Wrestling Entertainment in 2001. You don’t remember it, because the XFL crashed and burned after one mismanaged dumpster-fire of a season … or because your memory was wiped by the 2012 shift.

But now it’s back! Why? Stop thinking so hard. Here are the XFL teams we’ll all be following to glory, streaming on ABC, Fox and ESPN beginning Saturday, Feb. 8.

D.C. Defenders (Debut: Saturday, Feb. 8 on ABC): Washington D.C.’s 68th pro sports franchise will be led to violent, bloodletting victory by head coach Pep Hamilton. The Defenders are also notable for having D.C.’s least-racist team name.

Seattle Dragons (Debut: Saturday, Feb. 8 on ABC): When the XFL failed to recruit Imagine Dragons into its new gridiron venture, Vince McMahon said, “Fuck it, we’ll go to Seattle—they don’t have any football up there.” The readjusted Seattle Dragons are expected to have a strong running game, despite playing in Birkenstocks.

Houston Roughnecks (Debut: Saturday, Feb. 8 on Fox): Two XFL teams in Texas? How big is that state, anyway? The Houston Roughnecks derive their name from a downtown 1980s leather bar secretly frequented by NFL Oilers. In homage, the Roughnecks will play wearing zipper masks and ball gags instead of helmets and mouth guards.

L.A. Wildcats (Debut: Saturday, Feb. 8 on Fox): Early reports have it that the L.A. Wildcats’ coaching staff only wants to use this rebooted XFL season to transition their players into the NFL—which is sooo on-brand for L.A. In 2001, original XFL team L.A. Xtreme won the league’s “Super Bowl,” so … legacy? Like, totally.

Dallas Renegades (Debut: Sunday, Feb. 9 on ESPN): The new sportsball pride of Texas will play their home games in a refurbished Arlington baseball stadium—xtreme! Also, the Renegades will be the first football team ever to be allowed to use guns in defensive play, because, Texas. Sponsored by Alex Jones’

St. Louis BattleHawks (Debut: Sunday, Feb. 9 on ESPN): Since St. Louis is home to Anheuser-Busch, the BattleHawks’ official sponsor is … Bud Select? A 99-calorie light beer? A children’s brewski, at best. Even lamer, the BattleHawks’ hashtag is #KaKaw, a fowl cry not likely to strike fear into the hearts of Guardians or Roughnecks.

New York Guardians (Debut game: Sunday, Feb. 9 on Fox): New York didn’t have team in the 2001 XFL—kind of an insult, considering every franchise has boasted a Big Apple squad, even the Lingerie Football League (New York Majesty, represent!). Fun fact: The Guardians aren’t human, but supernaturally animated gargoyles.

Tampa Bay Vipers (Debut game: Sunday, Feb. 9 on Fox): Tampa Bay already has the Buccaneers, the Lightning, the Rays, the Rowdies, the Titans and Cannibal Corpse—what do the Vipers bring to the table? Lime-green uniforms resembling VeggieTales cosplay and Gatorade-filled bongs on the sidelines, bro. You gonna get Viped!

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New Year, new you? Likely not—but at least there’s new TV to stream.

You’re thinking, “New TV? I’m not even caught up on last year’s shows!” Just accept it: Unless you somehow land a sweet gig as a pro TV reviewer, you never will. I’m not saying I’m better than you; I’m just saying

Onward and upward—or at least fast-forward. Here are 11 new streaming shows to kick off the New Year. (I didn’t say “new decade,” because that starts in 2021. Don’t @ me.)

Reprisal (streaming now on Hulu): A flashy bouillabaisse of Tarantino pulp, rockabilly fetishism and neon-noir camp, Reprisal was lost in the December streaming overload—and I know that WTF? synopsis certainly didn’t help. The plot is simpler than the execution: A wronged woman (Abigail Spencer) is out for revenge against the savage hot-rod gang who left her for dead. Reprisal is weird and imperfect, but rarely dull.

The Witcher (streaming now Netflix): Speaking of weird and imperfect, you’ve probably heard of The Witcher; former Superman Henry Cavill’s pecs and He-Man wig are nearly as meme-able as Baby Yoda. For a Netflix series with a mild TV-MA rating, The Witcher is as much blood ’n’ boobs as it is swords ‘n’ sorcery, like a dollar-store Game of Thrones with a sense of humor. Beats the hell out of The Mandalorian.

Servant (streaming now Apple TV+): Remember Apple TV+? The arrival of Disney+ squashed its buzz before The Morning Show finally stopped sucking (only a little) and M. Night Shyamalan’s Servant arrived. It’s a creepy baby-sitter thriller with a twist—and then another twist, and another, and another, because M. Night Shyamalan. Most disturbing of them all is a teen baby sitter with no Instagram account (!).

Medical Police (streaming Jan. 10 on Netflix): A sequel to 2010-16 Adult Swim cult favorite Childrens Hospital, Medical Police stars several OG series doctors (including Erinn Hayes and Rob Huebel) as undercover Centers for Disease Control and Prevention agents recruited to stop a global bio-terrorism plot. It’s a mashup of Childrens Hospital and Jack Ryan that’s still less ridiculous than Jack Ryan, or (stay with me here) a sub-homage to Baywatch Nights.

The Outsider (streaming Jan. 12 on HBO Now): The murder of a small-town Georgia child leads to a solid-but-not-really case against a teacher (Jason Bateman), so it’s up to a pair of mismatched PIs (Ben Mendelsohn and Cynthia Erivo) to crack it. Spoiler: The Outsider is based on a Stephen King novel, so there’s supernatural shit afoot. As with King adaptation Mr. Mercedes (which no one saw), subtlety makes it work.

Curb Your Enthusiasm (streaming Jan. 19 on HBO Now): Season 10?! Damn. When last we left Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry (Larry David) was about to be assassinated over Fatwa! The Musical (2017 was a gentler time). We can assume he survived, unless CYE is going with an elaborate, Garfield Minus Garfield-esque setup of J.B. Smoove talking to himself for 10 episodes … which actually sounds amazing. R.I.P., Larry.

Avenue 5 (streaming Jan. 19 on HBO Now): Cocky Ryan Clark (Hugh Laurie) captains Avenue 5, a 1-percenter luxury cruise liner with an upgrade: It’s a spaceship. When a routine trip around Saturn goes awry, Capt. Clark and his crew aren’t up to the challenge of correcting course, calming passengers or paying NASA to save them. Avenue 5 is from the Veep people, so it’s at least funnier than Netflix’s Lost in Space.

Star Trek: Picard (streaming Jan. 23 on CBS All Access): As annoyingly reductive as the nostalgia-reboot trend is, there’s always room for more Star Trek—and if it involves Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), even better. Picard picks up with the retired Starfleet commander in 2399, taking on a new mission with help from new and classic characters (including ex-Borg Seven of Nine in odd militant-hippie mode). Make it so!

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (streaming Jan. 24 on Netflix): Fashion-forward witch Sabrina (Kiernan Shipka) can only save her boyfriend from Madam Satan (Michelle Gomez) and her clutches in Hell by assuming the throne as queen of the underworld to defend it against the Prince of Hell. Meanwhile, a pagan carnival rolls into Greendale with apocalyptically evil intent—this new season is not screwing around. Still no Lucifer crossover, Netflix?

Shrill (streaming Jan. 24 on Hulu): Last year, Hulu debuted Shrill, a charming comedy about a large woman (Aidy Bryant, below) that wasn’t about making said large woman lose weight—yeah, crazy. Even crazier, as Season 2 opens, Portlander Annie (Bryant) is regretting quitting her job at the local weekly newspaper. Such regret doesn’t exist in 2020, nor do (last time I checked) local newspapers. Fake news, Shrill!

BoJack Horseman (streaming Jan. 31 on Netflix): Netflix is stretching out the sixth and final season of BoJack Horseman, the Citizen Kane of alcoholic-horse cartoons, by splitting it up; these are the last eight episodes, sadly. In October’s Part 1, BoJack (the voice of Will Arnett) finally got his act together, but Part 2 looks to blow it all up. Don’t be fooled by the talking animals: This is smart, emotional storytelling—binge it, hard.

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Most review columns are dropping their “Best of 2019” lists right about now, thanks to a deadly combo of holiday resignation and critical narcissism.

On one hand, it’s almost Christmas, so who cares? On the other, critics absolutely must disseminate their invaluable hot takes to the masses, because how will The Sheep know what was good if they’re not told?! Screw the tree—people need to know about Parasite!

I’m not playing like that; there are too many shows to stream. Here are nine series from this fall alone you might have missed—so tune out the family, and catch up.

Succession (Seasons 1-2 on HBO Now): Forget Game of Thrones and The Sopranos—the most cutthroat family on HBO is Succession’s Roy clan. A black AF satire of wealth and passive-aggressive family dysfunction, Succession follows a vaguely demented patriarch (Brian Cox) dangling the keys to the empire before his damaged, power-hungry kids. It’s Arrested Development from the darkest timeline.

Mrs. Fletcher (Season 1 on HBO Now): Scene-stealing side-player Kathryn Hahn finally headlines her own show (well, her own seven-episode miniseries; six are out now, with the seventh coming Dec. 8). As Eve Fletcher, she’s a single mom who’s just sent her only son, Brendan (Jackson White), off to college—midlife crisis, come on down! Eve’s newly adrift life has its highs (lots of lesbian porn) and lows (heartbreaking loneliness), and Hahn embodies it all perfectly.

Harley Quinn (Season 1 on DC Universe): Margot Robbie may have nailed the role in Suicide Squad, but Kaley Cuoco’s Harley Quinn is funnier—and both R-rated and animated. This Harley is also so over The Joker (Alan Tudyk) and angling to join the Legion of Doom with help from Poison Ivy (Lake Bell). If DC’s live-action movies were as fun and profane as Harley Quinn … they’d still find a way to ruin them.

Pennyworth (Season 1 in Epix): “Does Batman’s butler have a back story?” is asked about as often as “How do I get Epix?” (read: never), but here’s the origin tale of a young Alfred Pennyworth (Jack Bannon), London spy. Kingsman comparisons aside, it’s a visually stunning series that presents a different Alfred (not yet omni-brilliant) and a very different Thomas and Martha Wayne (not yet dead).

Stumptown (Season 1 on Hulu): One of the few bright spots in a dismal fall 2019 TV-broadcast rollout, ABC’s Stumptown is essentially The Rockford Files wearing Jessica Jones’ leather jacket: A broke private investigator (Cobie Smulders) solves cases while dealing with intense past trauma. Stumptown is smart, funny, twisty and full of intriguing characters—and craft beer, because, Portland.

Lodge 49 (Seasons 1-2 on Hulu): Weird, wonderful, and now canceled by AMC, Lodge 49 was like nothing else on TV—stick your neck out; get your head lopped off. Long Beach surf-bum Dud (Wyatt Russell) is existentially adrift after the death of his father, but finds a sense of belonging with a local fraternal lodge full of eccentric characters. Lodge 49 plays out like a dream, which it just may have been.

Castle Rock (Seasons 1-2 on Hulu): You don’t have to be a Stephen King superfan to get into Castle Rock, but it sure as hell helps. In Castle Rock, Maine, characters from King’s literary multiverse collide, making for a creepy-if-slow Season 1. Season 2 raises the tension thanks to a jolting performance from Lizzy Caplan as unbalanced nurse Annie Wilkes (Misery). How about including The Running Man in Season 3?

Dollface (Season 1 on Hulu): Kat Dennings’ rom-com career was derailed by six seasons of CBS’ 2 Broke Girls and two Thor movies you’ve already forgotten; Dollface puts her back on track. When Jules (Dennings) gets dumped by her boyfriend, she has to win back the female friends she’s neglected. Dollface is fluffy, fantastical fun, and co-stars Brenda Song and Esther Povitsky own every scene.

Goliath (Seasons 1-3 on Prime Video): Goliath, created by TV lifer David E. Kelley, might look like a standard-issue L.A. legal drama on the surface, but there’s some bizarre shit going on underneath. Billy Bob Thornton is Billy McBride, a brilliant boozehound of a lawyer with a penchant for taking on wealthy corporate villains with over-the-top sex ’n’ drugs kinks. There’s something for law nerds and hedonists!

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The original Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th (1980) movies didn’t invent the “slasher” genre, but they did kick off a bloody wave of horror that ruled the ’80s. Which makes sense—have you seen archival photos of ’80s people? They needed some killing.

Since the entire month of October has been swallowed up by Halloween, Inc.™, Content Shifter is digging up some lesser-known ’80s slasher flicks. There’s a reason you’ve haven’t heard of most of these: They’re terrible AF. Some don’t even hit that “so bad it’s good” sweet spot—meeting a “13” quota isn’t easy, just sayin.’

Here are 13 ’80s slasher flicks to stream between the Halloween parties that nobody invites me to anymore. You dress up as Sexy Ben Shapiro one time

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987; Prime Video, Tubi, Shudder, YouTube): High-schooler Courtney (Crystal Bernard) takes her girl group on a weekend retreat, only to have band practice and brushes with lesbianism interrupted by the return of the Driller Killer! Even better, he’s been reincarnated as a singing rockabilly greaser with a sick drill guitar! Yes, it’s slasher flick with cool kills and musical numbers—sex and blood and rock ’n’ roll, baby!

New Year’s Evil (1980; Prime Video, YouTube): Speaking of rock ’n’ roll, early slasher New Year’s Evil features the most over-the-top metal theme song of the genre—suck it, Halloween. Blaze (Roz Kelly), host of a New Year’s Eve new-wave countdown TV show, receives a call from a mystery fan claiming he’ll kill a “naughty girl” in each time zone at midnight—with her being the last. Bonus: “punk” rockers galore.

Sleepaway Camp (1983; Prime Video, Tubi): Eight years after a Camp Arawak boating accident killed her father and sibling, teen Angela (Felissa Rose) is sent off to … Camp Arawak. This well-thought-out plan goes awry when campers and counselors start getting dead—is Angela the killer? The answer is obvious; Sleepaway Camp’s infamous twist ending is anything but. A fifth sequel is apparently coming.

Chopping Mall (1986; Prime Video, Tubi, Shudder, YouTube): With an impossibly fantastic title to live up to, Chopping Mall barely even tries—but at least there’s a spin on slashers: killer robots. A group of idiot 20-somethings break into a mall to spend the night (because … fun?), only to have the party crashed by boxy security Roombas set to berserker mode. Extra comedy points: Mary Waronov and Paul Bartel from Eating Raoul.

Death Spa (1989; Prime Video): Another tech-gone-evil slasher, Death Spa pits Spandex-wearing workout dopes against a haunted gym—as the pitch says, “You’ll sweat blood!” A bloodthirsty ghost infiltrates a health club’s computerized control system and starts killing gym rats with exercise machines, weight gear and overheated saunas. Death Spa is stoopid to the max, but it did introduce gym sushi (!).

Killer Workout (1987; Prime Video, YouTube): For some reason, the film distributor thought Killer Workout would sell better than the movie’s original title, Aerobicide—SAD! Buff boneheads are being murdered by a safety-pin-wielding psycho at an L.A. gym, so why not keep it open during the investigation? Also, safety pin? What it lacks in logic, Killer Workout makes up for in excessive T&A (not triceps and abs).

Visiting Hours (1982; YouTube): On the flipside, a feminist journalist (Lee Grant) provokes a serial killer by simply presenting her position on a TV talk show—sorry for the ’80s, women. She survives his attack, but now he’s in her hospital to finish the job, and her boss (William Shatner, who must have had a boat payment to make) is no help whatsoever. Surprisingly tense, yet still overtly Canadian.

Night School (1981; Prime Video): Not to be confused with the 2018 Kevin Hart movie of the same name, this Night School featured the immortal tagline: “A is for apple, B is for bed, C is for coed, D is for dead, F is for failing to keep your head.” This serial killer is a decapitation aficionado, though the original title was Terror Eyes—also, there’s little schooling. At least it gave the world Rachel Ward.

Final Exam (1981; Prime Video, Tubi): College students are being slain on campus days before summer break, and the killer is a completely random psycho with no connections or back story. As long as jocks and cheerleaders are being taken out, cool. Final Exam is short on blood and boobs, but long on—WTF?—character development, meaning you get to know these coffin-stuffers. Yay?

The Nail Gun Massacre (1985; Prime Video): No title ambiguity here—nail on the head, literally. Six Texas construction workers who skated on a rape charge are murdered one-by-one by a mystery motorcycle man with a high-powered nail gun. Like a Home Depot RoboCop, he serves wisecracks with his vengeance and kills more than a few innocent bystanders. Actual tagline: “A very penetrating story.”

The Mutilator (1985; Prime Video): A group of horny college coeds hang out at a beachfront condo during fall break, only to be killed off in increasingly gruesome fashions: axes, pitchforks, boat motors, fishing gear, etc. The creative killer is Big Ed, the father of one of the coeds who never forgave his son for accidentally killing Mrs. Ed. It’s almost Shakespearean, this little Mutilator gem.

Girls Nite Out (1982; YouTube): A college-campus scavenger hunt turns bloody when a killer in a mascot bear costume starts slashing up students with serrated-knife “claws.” Even worse, he get the college radio DJ to help broadcast his murders—as if that gig wasn’t already humiliating enough. Girls Nite Out was originally titled The Scaremaker, but they really should have gone with TerrorBear.

Stripped to Kill (1987; Prime Video, Tubi): An LAPD detective (Kay Lenz) goes undercover at the Rock Bottom strip club to investigate a string of stripper murders. Never mind that Emmy-winning actress Lenz is pole dancing (badly) in a low-budget slasher—Stripped to Kill features the most bizarrely ludicrous killer reveal of any flick on this list. Even weirder: The strip club is owned by Norman Fell (Three’s Company).

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For those of you who missed my TED Talk, “Passion, Perseverance and PBR: Don’t Let Your ‘Job’ Come Before Your Shows,” here’s the takeaway: There’s no shame in watching TV all summer.

Unless you’re an acclaimed TV reviewer like myself, there’s also no money in watching TV all summer. Should you quit your so-called “career” in order to keep up on Peak TV? That’s not for me to say … but my answer would be “Fuck yeah—tell your boss to take this job and place it firmly in a dark cavity!”

Now that you’re unemployed, here are nine killer series you missed this summer. Since they’re new and mostly only available on pay platforms, you might want to pick up a part-time gig. Hey, I don’t make the rules of capitalism.

On Becoming a God in Central Florida (Season 1 on Showtime): Kirsten Dunst’s wild and weird film career has always been leading up to a dark Showtime dramedy, and ’90s-set On Becoming a God in Central Florida doesn’t disappoint. Orlando everywoman Krystal (Dunst) is out to infiltrate and destroy the multilevel marketing company that fucked her over, and Dunst seethes rage and determination—hilariously, somehow.

The Righteous Gemstones (Season 1 on HBO Now): Following up Eastbound and Down and Vice Principals, Danny McBride’s latest HBO series takes on the easiest comedy target of all: televangelist megachurches. The Gemstone siblings (McBride, Edi Patterson and Adam Devine) live in the larger-than-life shadow of their famous father (John Goodman); they’re also complete idiots. God loves this show (he told me).

The Boys (Season 1 on Prime Video): Superheroes are managed, marketed and monetized by a megalomaniacal corporation—no, not Marvel/Disney. Not in this case, anyway: The Boys paints a dark world where “supes” are power-mad assholes indifferent to collateral damage, and the “Boys” (led by a deliciously profane Karl Urban) are going to end them. Rated MF for Motherfucking Violent.

Sherman’s Showcase (Season 1 on IFC): Like Spinal Tap meets Soul Train, Sherman’s Showcase is a parody retrospective about the greatest 40-year musical-variety TV series that never existed. Host Sherman (creator Bashir Salahuddin) doesn’t care for white people, political correctness or ever removing his shades indoors, and the musical guests (including a perfect Prince ringer named Charade) throw down.

NOS4A2 (Season 1 on Shudder): Horror sleeper NOS4A2 pits supernaturally-gifted teen girl Vic McQueen (Ashleigh Cummings) against immortal creeper Charlie Manx (Zachary Quinto), a quasi-vampire who feeds on children’s souls and then dumps them in Christmasland. (It’s not as cheery as it sounds.) Like Stranger Things without the ’80s cheese, NOS4A2 is smart, scary and just sentimental enough.

Veronica Mars (Season 4 on Hulu); After three TV seasons (2004-2007) and Kickstarter movie (2014), there didn’t seem to be a need for more Veronica Mars—but damned if creator Rob Thomas and star Kristen Bell don’t keep bringing it. SoCal private investigator Veronica (Bell) specializes in uncovering grand conspiracies (and cracking wise); this one just might get her dead. Oh, and Patton Oswalt!

Good Omens (Season 1 on Prime Video): Angel Aziraphale (Michael Sheen) and demon Crowley (David Tennant) are unlikely BFFs caught in the celestial crossfire when the arrival of the Antichrist and Armageddon inconveniences their earthbound bromance. Good Omens is more about friendship and fizzy banter than blasphemy, but the Jesus crispies still hated it—the best endorsement of all.

The Loudest Voice (Season 1 on Showtime): On the feel-bad flipside, there’s The Loudest Voice, the reality-based drama that explains the ’Merican entrenchment of Fox News and graphically details the misogynistic scumbaggery of its architect, Roger Ailes (a barely recognizable Russell Crowe). The bullshit cannon of cable news still entrances the deplorables, sadly; you can’t fix stupid, but you can understand it.

Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus (Movie on Netflix): Invader Zim, a 2001-2002 cartoon about a diminutive alien hell-bent on enslaving the Earth, remains one of the most bizarre and beloved series Nickelodeon ever produced. Even more unlikely than Zim airing in the first place was a revival, but here we are—obey the fist! Enter the Florpus delivers dementedly, and the last 15 minutes are the best drugs you’ll take all year.

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Summer’s not even over, and you’re already broke? Don’t worry—your big payout from those billionaires’ tax cuts will be trickling down any day now; many people on both sides are saying it’ll be tremendous.

In the meantime, you need some free TV—and I mean, as Our Lord Frank Zappa once said, absolutely free. None of these paid-subscription Netflix/Hulu/Prime Video/etc. shows that Content Shifter usually pushes on you while receiving no financial kickbacks. (Seriously, where are the damn kickbacks?)

Enter Pluto TV. It’s free, and it’s fantastic—but beware: There are commercials. (Sorry, Frank.) It’s a “live” streaming service with hundreds of “channels,” available through an app on streaming devices and smart TVs, or directly via It even does on-demand!

Here are 11 Pluto TV channels worth checking out:

Funny AF (Channel 423): Remember now-dead subscription comedy streamer Seeso? Funny AF is kinda like that—especially now that it’s picked up the “lost” Seeso season of cult hit Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (premieres Aug. 5). Pluto TV’s comedy block (channels 411-445) also includes constant content from The Onion, Fail Army, and Internet Gold, as well as a Cats 24/7 channel (meow).

Comedy Central (Channel 411): The real gem in Pluto TV’s comic cluster is the Comedy Central channel, which runs marathons of canceled network classics like Another Period, Drawn Together, Ugly Americans and others that stream nowhere else (except, well, at Comedy Central Stand-Up (415) is also loaded with rare sets from comics you forgot once stood up, like John Oliver.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Channel 385): I’ve been a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan for 20 years, and I still haven’t seen every episode; this 24/7 loop of 1989-99 originals is just what Dr. Z ordered. Sure, MST3K eps are scattered all over YouTube and elsewhere, but … convenience! Also: the MST3K channel runs alongside an offshoot RiffTrax channel (389), so there’s no end to the snarky shit-movie torment/joy.

Pluto TV Movies (Channel 54): It’s not all terrible flicks: The Pluto TV movie channels section (54-98) is like stumbling into the last VHS shop on earth. There are dramas, comedies, indies, thrillers, documentaries and more from the ’40s through the ’00s, with a quality-to-crap ratio that bests Netflix. The ’80s Rewind channel (88) is especially rad, with obscurities like Joysticks leading into bona-fide hits like Heathers.

Cheddar News (Channel 266): As cool as an around-the-clock news network about sharp cheese would be, this ain’t that. Cheddar News, along with companion net Cheddar Business, is smartly-reported news aimed at the under-35 set—the opposite of dinosaur cable news. But Pluto TV also has a CNN feed, as well as The Young Turks (ultra-lefty news) and NewsMax (to the right of the right of Fox News).

Impact Wrestling (Channel 515): Pro wrestling is America’s only true sport; everything else is just fakery and product placement. The Impact channel is a loop of neo-classic rasslin’ matches, and the sports arena of Pluto TV also has MMA channels, a surfing channel, a smattering of soccer and even a couple of legit sports networks (Fox Sports and Eleven Sports). It’s all replays, but so what? Go sports!

MTV Guy Code (Channel 314): Lamenting the lack of music on MTV is so 20 years ago—me, I miss the cartoons. The MTV Guy Code channel runs blocks of ’90s icons Beavis and Butt-head (sans music videos), as well as hilarious 2000s near-cartoon Rob and Big. Other MTV channels on Pluto TV play old episodes of MTV Cribs, Punk’d, Made, My Super Sweet 16 and, sadly, The Hills and Laguna Beach.

Cold Case Files (Channel 346): Before all the true-crime podcasts you misguidedly listen to instead of my television/drinking podcast (TV Tan, shameless plug) came along, there was true-crime TV—with visuals and everything! The Cold Case Files channel runs alongside other murder-iffic feeds like Unsolved Mysteries and Forensic Files; the whole block should be rechristened White Ladies + Wine.

Anime All Day (Channel 680): No, I don’t “get” anime—is it nightmares in cartoon form? Motion-sickness soap operas? Coder porn? Fuck if I know, but I do realize that a whole lotta people looovvveee their anime. Anime All Day is an eternal binge of shows like Bleach, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Log Horizon, Grave of the Fireflies, Death Note and other potential metal-album titles. Feel free to troll me on Reddit.

Conspiracy (Channel 571): A 24/7 feed dedicated to conspiracy theories only seems crazy until you notice that Pluto TV has dedicated entire channels to Dog the Bounty Hunter (353) and Wahlburgers (358). Though Conspiracy never touches the top two coverups of our time (Pink Floyd never landed on the dark side of the moon; 7-Eleven was an inside job), there’s still plenty here to ponder.

THC (Channel 591): No, it’s not The Homemaker Channel—THC is all about weed, all the time (or maybe it just seems like it ... what were we talking about?). This ceaseless stoner stream has the usual suspects (Cheech and Chong movies, cartoons, mucho Doug Benson) and a few surprises (like Dope State, a hilarious mockumentary about the pot-shop biz), and it’s all like … super-chill.

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Surprise: 2019 is halfway over. Another six months of your life have slipped by, and you were doing … what? Spending time with loved ones? Participating in humanitarian efforts? Pursuing higher education and enlightenment? Hey, no judgment here … hippies.

I know what you weren’t doing: watching enough TV. All that content isn’t going to consume itself—at least not until I launch my own premium streaming service, FrostyVision. For the low price of $6.66 a month, you’ll have access to the latest TV series and movies—but only for a week. Then, the shows self-delete forever, and a new batch appears for another seven days: Rinse, repeat, no more catch-up guilt. Just tell your friends, “Sorry, but Ozark is, like, gone—thanks, FrostyVision!”

In the meantime, here are seven of the best streaming series you’ve missed so far in 2019.

Doom Patrol (Season 1 on DC Universe): You’ll never to subscribe to the DC Universe streaming service. I get it—so I’m urging you to sign up for the seven-day free trial, binge Doom Patrol, and bail. This twisted tale of misfit “superheroes” is more talk than fight, more emotion than logic, and Robotman (Brendan Fraser) regularly asking, “What the fuck?!” for all of us. It’s welcome anarchy in corporate-comics times.

Fleabag (Seasons 1-2 on Prime Video): As “Fleabag,” show creator/star Phoebe Waller-Bridge is a horny, angsty, directionless Londoner who narrates her hilariously tragic mess of life directly to the camera, almost daring you to look away. Which is impossible—she’s as magnetic as she is luckless. Fleabag’s 12 brief episodes careen like an all-night bender, finally wrapping up perfectly (and hangover-free).

Russian Doll (Season 1 on Netflix): On the night of her 36th birthday, brassy New Yorker Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) dies, reappears at her party, dies again (differently), reappears, dies (differently again), reappears, etc. Despite the perpetual story reset, Russian Doll surprises at every turn, propelled by Lyonne’s dizzied-to-dogged performance, and the story’s subtle time-loop clues. It’s Happier Death Day.

Good Omens (Season 1 on Prime Video): The unlikely bromance between angel Aziraphale (Michael Sheen) and demon Crowley (David Tennant) is interrupted by the coming of the Antichrist and Armageddon—rude. Good Omens is clever, breezy fun in the face of impending doom, not to mention Tennant’s most triumphantly ridiculous performance ever (sorry, Doctor Who). Bonus: Christian groups were appalled.

PEN15 (Season 1 on Hulu): Thirtysomething actresses Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle play their early-2000s selves alongside actual 13-year-olds so that we may all relive middle school … thanks? PEN15—yes, the title is the joke you think it is—is at first silly AF, then Erskine and Konkle blend into the characters, and the pain becomes as pronounced as the laughs. Anybody remember AOL Instant Messenger?

The Umbrella Academy (Season 1 on Netflix): If Doom Patrol is the absinthe-soaked, steam-punk cousin of Marvel’s mutant teams, then The Umbrella Academy is Wes Anderson’s X-Men. Seven super-powered kids born on the same day in 1989 are raised to be heroes at the Umbrella Academy … then they grow up and waaay apart. We’re-dysfunctional-but-hot histrionics aside, TUA is a cinematography nerd’s dream.

Weird City (Season 1 on YouTube Premium): Jordan Peele produced a star-heavy sci-fi anthology series before his Twilight Zone reboot—but no one saw it because, hey, YouTube Premium. Weird City divides society literally into Haves and Have Nots, spinning six comic, Black Mirror-lite yarns about the still-flawed class delineations and tech of “the future.” Best of all, Weird City has a gym called ShapeCult.

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There was a time when nothing was available “on demand” unless you dragged your ass to Blockbuster Video—and then you had to settle for what wasn’t already rented out. I’m talking about the ’90s—the glorious age of grunge, G-funk and godawful TV action series.

“New content” rolled out over rabbit-ears TV in the summer. Local stations were flooded with low-budget syndicated action series every weekend, and few of them pass the smell test in 2019. If we’re currently in the Platinum Age of TV, the ’90s were Tin Foil, at best.

Here are nine ’90s action series worth a stream and a laugh—but good luck making it past the first episode of most. As with a six-pack of Zima, there’s no shame in tapping out after one.

V.I.P. (Season 1 on Sony Crackle): In 1998, Pamela Anderson’s V.I.P. satirized the inherent misogyny and T&A exploitation of previous action series—while also amping and camping up the T&A, because, Pamela Anderson. Vallery Irons Protection (V.I.P.) provides celebrity security and solid one-liners, and the pilot features future Breaking Bad award magnets Bryan Cranston and Dean Norris. Seriously.

Acapulco H.E.A.T. (Season 1-2 on Prime Video): It’s downhill from here, though: Acapulco H.E.A.T. (Hemisphere Emergency Action Team) could be the dumbest series ever created—and they made 48 episodes! The H.E.A.T. fights international terrorism while undercover as fashion models at an Acapulco resort hotel owned by … Fabio. How do you carry a gun in a bikini or banana hammock? Please stop thinking so hard.

Renegade (Seasons 1-5 on Prime Video and Hulu): Framed for a murder he didn’t commit (as usual), ex-Army Ranger Reno Raines (Lorenzo Lamas) and his lush mullet hit the road on a Harley. He then skids into a gig as a bounty hunter in the “badlands” (as pronounced in the dad-rockin’ theme song) and five seasons of this shit. At least Renegade inspired Mac’s sweet leather duster on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

La Femme Nikita (Seasons 1-5 on YouTube): Critically acclaimed and Canadian-awarded 1997-2001 TV adaptation La Femme Nikita is a mostly action-free “action” series about assassins who operate out of an IKEA-furnished shadow government HQ. Nikita (Peta Wilson) stares through blonde bangs and emotes icily about “moral conflict,” and LFM eventually earns its hype through slow-slow-slow-burn arcs.

Queen of Swords (Season 1 on YouTube): Number nerds believe the first “0” year of a new decade actually belongs to the previous one—therefore Queen of Swords, which debuted in 2000, is part of the ’90s. If you think that’s a stretch, how about a copyright-baiting female Zorro? Star Tessie Santiago made it work. QoS balanced fizzy fun and swashbuckling sexiness, but missed the ’90s action boat. Triste.

The Crow: Stairway to Heaven (Season 1 on YouTube): The Crow (1994) was a meh film that worked better as an alt-grunge soundtrack vehicle. In 1998, Canada created a Crow TV series with a lesser music budget—that’s like poutine without the gravy, hosers. Star Marc Dacascos did what he could with dead rocker/avenging angel Eric Draven, but The Crow was already played out (as proven in three inexplicable movie sequels).

Relic Hunter (Seasons 1-3 on Roku Channel): Like a Raiders of the Lost Ark without the Spielberg cash, or a Tomb Raider without Angelina Jolie’s balloon lips, 1999’s Relic Hunter rides the international artifact-wrangler trope with minimal brain strain. Tia Carrere plays a prim university professor who’s ready to strip down to a tank top and cargo pants and track trinkets at a moment’s notice. RH is almost … educational?

Highlander: The Series (Seasons 1-6 on Prime Video, Hulu and Tubi): After two Highlander movies, Adrian Paul took on the role of immortal ponytail enthusiast Duncan MacLeod (“of the Clan MacLeod!”) in a TV series that lasted six seasons, 119 episodes, and countless mom-jeans jokes. Highlander: The Series bests the film franchise, thanks to deeper storylines and the absence of Christopher Lambert—there can be (wait for it) only one.

Sheena (Seasons 1-2 on Sony Crackle): Former Baywatch star Gena Lee Nolin was looking for smarter roles in the late ’90s—but instead, she wound up starring in Sheena. Sheena (Nolin) was orphaned in the jungle as a child, but now protects the African wilderness with salon-perfect hair and a hand towel passing as a battle dress. Oh, and she can turn invisible, or into an animal. Spoiler: Everyone is white.

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