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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Jan. 22, 2015!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Jan. 22, 2015!

Thursday, January 22, 2015  |  Staff

On this week's reflective Independent comics page: The K Chronicles wonders what hell looks like; This Modern World looks at the Charlie Hebdo backlash against cartoonists; Jen Sorenson ponders the race and the Charlie Hebdo aftermath; and Red Meat gets into some new livestock feed.

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Community Voices: The Menstruation Sensation Workshop Will Address the Stigma of Periods

Community Voices: The Menstruation Sensation Workshop Will Address the Stigma of Periods

Thursday, January 22, 2015  |  Jazmin Martinez

There is a stigma that often comes from women talking about menstruation publicly. And the shame happens in many ways.

Last year, the online publication Jezebel published an article titled called “ What Life Is Like When Getting Your Period Means You Are Shunned .” It profiled the life of a 16-year-old...

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Ask a Mexican: Why Don't Better-Off Mexicans Immigrate to the United States?

Ask a Mexican: Why Don't Better-Off Mexicans Immigrate to the United States?

Wednesday, January 21, 2015  |  Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I have a hard time believing that the immigrants we see at Home Depot are the best Mexico has to offer. Why can’t we entice more cream-of-the-crop of Mexicans to come up north? (Mexico has the richest man in the world, so someone has to be doing something right.) Are the laws fucked up...

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The Potted Desert Garden: Rethink Your Patio's 'Collecting' Spots

The Potted Desert Garden: Rethink Your Patio's 'Collecting' Spots

Tuesday, January 20, 2015  |  Marylee Pangman

Check out the pesky raised-bed garden above. This is what I call a “collection area”—a shady spot, a place close to a door, or any other convenient place to drop items on the way to or from the house.

These garden areas tend to become places for collections of things we’ve abandoned. We intend to lea...

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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Jan. 15, 2015!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for Jan. 15, 2015!

Thursday, January 15, 2015  |  Staff

On this week's reflective Independent comics page: Jen Sorenson, The K Chronicles and This Modern World all reflect on the horrible Charlie Hebdo murders, while Red Meat suffers from the effects of a camping trip gone wrong.

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Know Your Neighbors: Yo Soy Coachella!

Know Your Neighbors: Yo Soy Coachella!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015  |  Anita Rufus

The horrific massacre in Paris at Charlie Hebdo , the satirical magazine that generated much of its reputation via provocative cartoons , has united much of the world in standing against terrorism, saying, “Je suis Charlie!” (“I am Charlie!”)

Our outrage at terrorist tactics by radicals, of course, is j...

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Tuesday, 30 October 2012 08:00

Annoyed by Telemarketers? Get Even!

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(Editor's note: This was written by yours truly 14 years ago. [Gack, I feel old now.] We're posting it here, now, because in this age of annoying political phone calls, it still rings true, even if the reference to a CD club is just a touch outdated. Anyhoo, enjoy!)

Zzzzzzzzzz. I am very asleep. It is quite warm in this bed, and I am very, very asleep. I love sleeping in. Aaaahhhhh ...

"RIIIIIING!" says the phone. I jolt awake, and start cussing out the phone and the dweeb on the other end who dares to call me at this sort-of early weekend hour.

"RIIIIIING!" the phone insists. I decide to answer it, because I am awake now. Dammit.

"Hello?" I ask, wishing that visions of sugarplums (or whatever) were still dancing in my head.

"Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club."

"Um ... huh?" is my witty retort.

"Yes, that's right!" says Mort, who is trying really hard to sound enthusiastic, but is not quite pulling it off. "All you have to do is agree to buy three CDs at regular prices over the next year, and we'll send you eight free CDs of your choice NOW! What do you think, Mr. Blegle?"

"Bite me, Mort."

I hang up, and lay back in bed. I am awake now. Dammit, Mort.

I am too awake now to resume my peaceful slumber, and too disgruntled to yet start my day, so I just lay in bed and think of ways to get back at the Morts of the world ... those we call TELEMARKETERS.

I plot; I scheme. Over the next few days, I come up with some ways to get back a little at telemarketers. I thought I would share a few of these ideas; while they may not get rid of telemarketers, at least they'll make your dealings with telemarketers more enjoyable...

1. Come on to the telemarketer. I just think of the fun I could have had messing with Mort's head if I had thought of this earlier...

Me: Hello?

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me (with a low, passionate voice): Ooh, Mort. What are you wearing?

Mort (clearly confused): Yes, that's ri ... WHAT?

Me: (in a low, soft tone): Oh, Mort, your voice is soooo sexy. I feel I should tell you I am not wearing any pants. Hmmmm ...

Mort: GAAACK! Click!

At least, this is how the come-on technique should work. That telemarketing company will probably never call you back again, unless it is run by blatant perverts. But be careful; there's always a chance that Mort, if a blatant pervert, will enjoy your advances. This could be a real problem if he lives locally, because he has your phone number.

This technique may also seem a bit weird and too close to home if, like me the other morning, you really aren't wearing pants.

2. Talk like those teachers in the Peanuts television specials. This technique of annoying telemarketers is sure to confuse the telemarketer, and there is a much smaller chance that it will arouse the telemarketer. That is, unless he or she is a blatantly blatant pervert ...

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Waaa! Waaa waa? Waa wa wa wa waaaaa!:

Mort: Excuse me?

Me: Waaa wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Mort: Mr. Blegle, I am sorry we must have a bad connection. I'll try and call back.

Me: Waaaaa. No pants! Waaaa.

3. Act like you and a close personal friend are ... well, you know. But once again, you must be concerned about the pervert factor....

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Oh GOD! Oh, yes yes yes yes yes YES!

Mort: Gosh, Mr Blegle, that sure is a enthusiastic response!

Me (Gasping for air): Oh, please, yes. Yes! Harder!

Mort: Well, Mr Blegle! I will get your first CD out to you right ... harder?

Me: Oh, BABY! Yes! Harder! Harder!

Mort: WHAT???? Are you OK, Mr. Blegle?

Me: YES!!!!

4. Try and sell the telemarketer something yourself. This is sure to confuse him or her (and it's especially fun if you try to sell something that's actually free).

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Wow! That's spiffy. Mort, can I call you Morty?

Mort: Why ... um, I guess.

Me: Let me tell you, Morty... right now, you can subscribe to the Coachella Valley Independent online for only $18 for three months! Ain't that a deal?

Mort: What? The Cockroach Velveeta who? No... I am trying to sell memberships to the CD club, and --

Me: But, Morty, buddy ... that's a quarter of a year for a mere 18 smackers? Come on, my friend.

Mort: I have to go. I am not wearing any pants! Click.

Now, these are just a few suggestions on how to mess with telemarketers. You, too, can come up with other ideas on how to deal with them, such as calling them to repentance (ADMIT you're a sinner, Mort) or pretending to speak only Pig Latin (Ite-bay e-may, Mort!).

Just whatever you do... have fun. Even if it's early, and you are blatantly without pants.

1 comment

  • Comment Link E. L. Tosi Wednesday, 31 October 2012 19:18 posted by E. L. Tosi

    Very good advice! I must try some of the lines when called late at night.

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