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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for April 16, 2015!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for April 16, 2015!

Thursday, April 16, 2015  |  Staff

On this week's preservative-laden Independent comics page: The K Chronicles takes a rather interesting stance on vaccines; This Modern World has a revealing talk with a cop; Jen Sorenson looks at the pros and cons of Hillary Clinton; and Red Meat does some pickling.

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Ask a Mexican: Did You Know Many Mexicans Can Become European Citizens?

Ask a Mexican: Did You Know Many Mexicans Can Become European Citizens?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015  |  Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: Do Mexicans know that if at least one of their grandparents was born in Spain, they can immigrate immediately not just to Spain, but any other country in the European Union? I know this is not an option for a lot of Mexicans, but it certainly seems like a better one for those who have ...

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The Potted Desert Garden: Yes, You Can Have a Flower Garden During the Summer

The Potted Desert Garden: Yes, You Can Have a Flower Garden During the Summer

Tuesday, April 14, 2015  |  Marylee Pangman

A substantial number of people who have moved to the desert ask me about the difficulties of growing flowers in the desert in the summer. No, check that: They tell me that you cannot grow flowers in the desert in the summer.

I admit it can be a challenge. However, with enough water, some afternoon shad...

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The Weekly Independent Comics Page for April 9, 2015!

The Weekly Independent Comics Page for April 9, 2015!

Thursday, April 09, 2015  |  Staff

On this week's artisan Independent comics page: Red Meat finds a creative use for bacon; Jen Sorenson looks for women on late-night TV; The K Chronicles enjoys a visit from Dad; and This Modern World checks in with right-wing God.

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Know Your Neighbors: Don't Ignore National Healthcare Decisions Day on April 16

Know Your Neighbors: Don't Ignore National Healthcare Decisions Day on April 16

Wednesday, April 08, 2015  |  Anita Rufus

Thursday, April 16, is National Healthcare Decisions Day—devoted to encouraging you to fill out an advance directive indicating who should speak for you if you can’t, and what end-of-life treatments you do and do not want.

If you’re someone who doesn’t want to think or talk about this … KEEP READING!...

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Ask a Mexican: Is It Normal to Be Angered by an Ethnic-Studies Course?

Ask a Mexican: Is It Normal to Be Angered by an Ethnic-Studies Course?

Wednesday, April 08, 2015  |  Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m a 23-year-old Latina attending a Texas university. I’m taking a class on Latino culture and history. I’m a first generation Tex-Mex kid, and lately, the documentaries and the other course work have been making me feel angry/sad/and overall confused, for lack of better phrasing. I d...

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Tuesday, 30 October 2012 08:00

Annoyed by Telemarketers? Get Even!

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(Editor's note: This was written by yours truly 14 years ago. [Gack, I feel old now.] We're posting it here, now, because in this age of annoying political phone calls, it still rings true, even if the reference to a CD club is just a touch outdated. Anyhoo, enjoy!)

Zzzzzzzzzz. I am very asleep. It is quite warm in this bed, and I am very, very asleep. I love sleeping in. Aaaahhhhh ...

"RIIIIIING!" says the phone. I jolt awake, and start cussing out the phone and the dweeb on the other end who dares to call me at this sort-of early weekend hour.

"RIIIIIING!" the phone insists. I decide to answer it, because I am awake now. Dammit.

"Hello?" I ask, wishing that visions of sugarplums (or whatever) were still dancing in my head.

"Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club."

"Um ... huh?" is my witty retort.

"Yes, that's right!" says Mort, who is trying really hard to sound enthusiastic, but is not quite pulling it off. "All you have to do is agree to buy three CDs at regular prices over the next year, and we'll send you eight free CDs of your choice NOW! What do you think, Mr. Blegle?"

"Bite me, Mort."

I hang up, and lay back in bed. I am awake now. Dammit, Mort.

I am too awake now to resume my peaceful slumber, and too disgruntled to yet start my day, so I just lay in bed and think of ways to get back at the Morts of the world ... those we call TELEMARKETERS.

I plot; I scheme. Over the next few days, I come up with some ways to get back a little at telemarketers. I thought I would share a few of these ideas; while they may not get rid of telemarketers, at least they'll make your dealings with telemarketers more enjoyable...

1. Come on to the telemarketer. I just think of the fun I could have had messing with Mort's head if I had thought of this earlier...

Me: Hello?

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me (with a low, passionate voice): Ooh, Mort. What are you wearing?

Mort (clearly confused): Yes, that's ri ... WHAT?

Me: (in a low, soft tone): Oh, Mort, your voice is soooo sexy. I feel I should tell you I am not wearing any pants. Hmmmm ...

Mort: GAAACK! Click!

At least, this is how the come-on technique should work. That telemarketing company will probably never call you back again, unless it is run by blatant perverts. But be careful; there's always a chance that Mort, if a blatant pervert, will enjoy your advances. This could be a real problem if he lives locally, because he has your phone number.

This technique may also seem a bit weird and too close to home if, like me the other morning, you really aren't wearing pants.

2. Talk like those teachers in the Peanuts television specials. This technique of annoying telemarketers is sure to confuse the telemarketer, and there is a much smaller chance that it will arouse the telemarketer. That is, unless he or she is a blatantly blatant pervert ...

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Waaa! Waaa waa? Waa wa wa wa waaaaa!:

Mort: Excuse me?

Me: Waaa wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Mort: Mr. Blegle, I am sorry we must have a bad connection. I'll try and call back.

Me: Waaaaa. No pants! Waaaa.

3. Act like you and a close personal friend are ... well, you know. But once again, you must be concerned about the pervert factor....

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Oh GOD! Oh, yes yes yes yes yes YES!

Mort: Gosh, Mr Blegle, that sure is a enthusiastic response!

Me (Gasping for air): Oh, please, yes. Yes! Harder!

Mort: Well, Mr Blegle! I will get your first CD out to you right ... harder?

Me: Oh, BABY! Yes! Harder! Harder!

Mort: WHAT???? Are you OK, Mr. Blegle?

Me: YES!!!!

4. Try and sell the telemarketer something yourself. This is sure to confuse him or her (and it's especially fun if you try to sell something that's actually free).

Mort: Hi! Mr. Blegle? My name is Mort, and I am calling to offer you eight FREE CDs if you join our music club.

Me: Wow! That's spiffy. Mort, can I call you Morty?

Mort: Why ... um, I guess.

Me: Let me tell you, Morty... right now, you can subscribe to the Coachella Valley Independent online for only $18 for three months! Ain't that a deal?

Mort: What? The Cockroach Velveeta who? No... I am trying to sell memberships to the CD club, and --

Me: But, Morty, buddy ... that's a quarter of a year for a mere 18 smackers? Come on, my friend.

Mort: I have to go. I am not wearing any pants! Click.

Now, these are just a few suggestions on how to mess with telemarketers. You, too, can come up with other ideas on how to deal with them, such as calling them to repentance (ADMIT you're a sinner, Mort) or pretending to speak only Pig Latin (Ite-bay e-may, Mort!).

Just whatever you do... have fun. Even if it's early, and you are blatantly without pants.

1 comment

  • Comment Link E. L. Tosi Wednesday, 31 October 2012 19:18 posted by E. L. Tosi

    Very good advice! I must try some of the lines when called late at night.

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